TONIGHT WE WERE FINALLY having our first date.
It’d been almost three weeks since we’d kissed on Christmas, so this was three weeks overdue, but between my work schedule and the fact that Andy had gotten sick at the start of the new year, there hadn’t been time.
I had just finished putting the chicken in the oven when the doorbell rang. Barefoot, I padded to the front door and immediately pulled it open to reveal a smiling Ellie holding Andy’s car seat. Stepping forward, I grabbed it from her and kissed her on the cheek.
Damien and Naomi were going out to dinner, so they’d offered to drop Ellie off on the way. I told him I had no problem picking her up, but I was guessing I’d lost that right in his eyes. If this was his way to make me feel shitty for what happened a couple months ago… it worked. Not that he needed to try or remind me. It made me sick to my stomach every time I thought about it.
“Hi,” she said.
My gaze ran over her. She had on a simple light purple dress that hugged the curves of her breasts perfectly and stopped just above her knees. There was a bite to the January air, so she was also wearing a black coat. Nude flats covered her fidgeting feet.
“Hey,” I finally replied, realizing she’d struck me mute. Opening the door a little wider, I stepped aside. As she crossed the threshold, I watched Damien pull away. Naomi had a wide grin on her face. Once I shut and locked the door, I stared down at Andy. He was sleeping with my lion. That never failed to put a smile on my face.
Looking up, I found Ellie smiling down at her son as well. When she caught me, she blushed and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “So what’s the plan? And why did you want me to bring Andy?”
“I thought we could have dinner here.” Ellie’s head tilted toward the kitchen, like she’d just smelled the food. “I’m cooking baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and asparagus.”
She looked back at me. “That sounds amazing.”
“And as far as Andy goes… I’ll obviously want alone time with you. To take you out, just the two of us. But this is the beginning, and I need you to know, right now, at the very start, that it’s about both of you. You’re both important to me, and this isn’t something casual. It seemed appropriate that he be here.”
In the blink of an eye, Ellie was in front of me, standing on her tiptoes to give me a kiss on the corner of my mouth, just outside my lips. I swallowed roughly when she pulled back. She seemed just as nervous.
A timer in the kitchen beeped, startling us both. “Why don’t you sit in the family room while I check on dinner?” I’d already started moving toward the couch. I set the car seat on the ground and turned to find Ellie hovering behind the couch. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” she said.
My long strides brought me to the kitchen quickly. The chicken still had thirty minutes, and I wasn’t going to start the other two until the meat was almost done, that way everything would be hot. The timer was for the apple crisp. It had been on the top shelf of the oven for forty minutes and would need to cool. I grabbed a mitt before sliding the dessert out and setting it on the stove. After sprinkling some cinnamon on top, I made sure my shirt was clean and walked back out.
Andy was where I’d left him, but Ellie had moved in front of a cabinet in the corner. Her fingers were ghosting over the pieces of my favorite black-and-white-marble chess set. It was a gift from my father when I graduated from the police academy. I only kept it out for show. My dad and I played with a different one—the banged-up frosted board that was propped up a few feet away, the black bag next to it housing its pieces.
“Have you ever played?” I found myself asking.
She jumped back and her hazel eyes met mine. “Sorry… I…”
Gently smiling, I stepped forward, keeping my voice low. “You don’t have to apologize.” She swallowed roughly and nodded. I repeated my question. “Do you play?”
“No. I don’t even know the rules.”
“I could teach you.”
“Isn’t it a game for super smart people? That seems to be the stigma around it.” Ellie smiled, not bitter or self-reproaching, just… accepting.
I walked by her and carefully picked up the frosted board along with the bag of pieces next to it, before bringing it to the coffee table. Slowly unzipping the bag, my gaze flew to hers. She was standing in the same spot, a small frown on her lips. I only looked down when I began setting it up.
“Would you prefer to sit on the couch or the ottoman?” I asked, nodding toward the rectangular footstool across the room.
“Uhhh… what are we doing?”
“I’m going to teach you how to play,” I said, not taking my eyes off the board. “While I personally don’t buy into the idea that certain people should do certain things. If you believe smart people play chess, then you should know how to play.” I lifted my head and found her eyes following the movements of my hands. “Because, Ellie”—I paused, waiting for her gaze to meet mine—“You. Are. Smart.”
“The ottoman’s fine,” she said softly. I watched her pull it over and take a seat.
“First we’ll go over the pieces. Chess is a game of strategy. It takes practice and patience to learn.”
She nodded, her lip caught between her teeth and her brows dipped in serious concentration. My lips raised infinitesimally. I didn’t want her to think I was making fun of her, but she was too cute for her own good sometimes.
Gesturing to the front row of eight, I began speaking. “These pieces are pawns. They can only move forward, one space at a time, except in the beginning when they can move two spaces. The pawn can only capture an enemy piece when it’s one square diagonally in front of it. It can be to the right or left.”
“Okay. Got it.”
“One more thing.” I held up a finger and her eyes met mine. “The pawn has one more ability. If it reaches any square on the back row of the opponent’s side, it gets upgraded. You can choose whether it becomes a queen, rook, bishop, or knight.”
Ellie sat up straighter. “That’s pretty cool.”
I nodded before explaining the rest of the pieces. Ten minutes later as her gaze flitted over the board, I asked, “Does all that make sense?”
“I think so.” She toyed with her king. “So this guy is kind of useless? And the queen is the most powerful piece?”
“Technically speaking, yes. But I’ve never seen it that way. I don’t think about it in terms of power. People are so focused on the pieces they perceive to be the most important, and they don’t pay attention to the pawns. Not until it’s too late. Not until the pawns are close enough to becoming more.”
Ellie’s eyes were locked on mine. I picked up a pawn. “People disregard this. They forget about it. But it’s just their own perception of what power is and who has it. The pawn can always become more, Ellie.” My words were soft by the end. Her eyes grew wet with an emotion I couldn’t quite catch. I wanted to ask her what it meant, but she cleared her throat and looked down at the board.
“Okay, so who goes first?”
I nodded to her. “You can.”
She was hesitant. Her fingers hovered over the pawns like she wasn’t sure which one to pick. I tried to restrain my grin, I really did, but it was pointless. After she made her move, she looked up and startled when she found me staring at her. Without taking my eyes off her, I moved one of my pawns forward.
“This game will be practice. I’ll talk you through it, explain which moves would be best and why.”
Ellie nodded and leaned closer, hovering over the board, eager to learn. And I was so confused why anyone would give up on her. Maybe her parents expected her to be perfect straight out of the womb, but I always appreciated attitude over skill. A person’s skill could be elevated and built on. But a poor attitude was harder—if not impossible—to change.
Ellie’s attitude was great. She got confused a few times, but she didn’t stop asking questions and every time she bit her lip with indecision or furrowed her brows in concentration, I wanted to shove the chessboard out of the way. I imagined grabbing her by the cheeks and pulling her to me, smashing my lips against hers. I’d never felt so hormonal before.
Thankfully the timer went off before I did exactly what I’d been thinking about. Ellie offered to put the game away while I finished with dinner. I smiled when I heard the sounds of Andy waking up and Ellie quietly singing to him. Then I turned around and stared at the table, which had three placemats and a high chair. I’d even gotten a small bowl of flowers for the center.
This was something I’d never thought I’d have. I may have only been twenty-five, turning twenty-six in just over a month, but I’d resigned myself to a life of loneliness. It didn’t seem possible that I would meet someone I’d risk my carefully constructed life for. But for Ellie, I’d risk everything.
It was like a punch to the gut, realizing how much I wanted this. Because it could just as easily be taken away. But for once, I was more excited than I was afraid.
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head and went back to finishing dinner. Ellie came in a few minutes later. “I figured I’d just hold—”
I looked up from setting the dishes on the table. “You got him a high chair?” she asked.
Shrugging, I walked closer to them and took Andy from her arms before settling him in. “Yeah.” I came back and pulled out Ellie’s chair for her, but she was still frozen.
“Thank you,” she whispered after she took a seat. I could tell the sentiment was for a lot more than pulling out her chair, or buying a high chair.
I should have been the one thanking her. She was turning my world of gray bright with colors. Andy was filling my house of silence with infectious laughter. They were both bringing joy to a life of pain.
I’d just finished loading the dishwasher. The food was already put away and the rest of the kitchen was spotless. Ellie was in the front room playing with Andy. After shutting off the lights, I walked in and found him on his back while his mom rubbed his stomach.
I slowly lowered myself to the ground next to them. Andy grabbed his feet and rolled toward me, giggling like I was exactly who he wanted to see.
Ellie shifted onto her side, bending one arm and propping her head up to watch us. Andy settled on his stomach before he began wiggling around, grunting and slapping his hands on the blanket in frustration when he couldn’t right himself.
“He has some trouble rolling over when he’s on his stomach,” Ellie explained. “It’s hard to watch him struggle, but he can’t learn if I always help him.”
I nodded. Both of our eyes were on Andy while he shimmied back and forth. After a couple seconds he shoved himself up a bit and leaned enough to roll himself over, landing on his back before me. He squealed, reaching his hands toward me and kicking his feet.
“You did it, buddy!” I said, smiling down at him. I brought one of my hands to his side and gently tickled him. Sweet laughter filled my living room even as he tried to squirm away.
Ellie was notably quiet. Looking up, I found her gaze soft on mine. “You’re so good with him.”
“I learned from the best,” I said, staring intently at her so she knew what I meant. She rolled her eyes with a laugh and nodded, accepting the compliment.
My hand was flat on his stomach now, slowly calming him down. It seemed to be working because a few minutes later his eyes were struggling to stay open.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked quietly.
She lifted her eyes to mine. I loved the way she looked at me right after she’d been staring at him. There was so much love in her gaze that I could almost pretend it was for me.
“Yeah,” she whispered back. I helped her stand and then picked him up before heading toward the hallway.
“Where are you going?” she asked as she trailed behind me.
Oh. Right. I hadn’t told her about the nursery. I never had the need to, just like with the high chair.
I kept walking, past my room and the guest bathroom. There were two more bedrooms in the back. One was my office, and the other I’d converted into a room for Andy.
Pausing outside the closed door with my hand on the knob, I turned back to Ellie and said, “I set up a room for Andy.” I shrugged. “It’s not much.”
Her jaw dropped as I pushed the door open. “I only got the basics. A crib, sheets and blankets, a few toys, a changing table, a night-light, a mobile…” I laughed, rubbing the back of my neck. “Maybe a little more than the basics.”
“How long have you had this?” she asked softly.
“I got it a couple weeks back.”
Her hand rested on my forearm and I turned to look at her. “Why?”
Her eyes were wide with shock. It was moments like this when I realized just how deep-seated her insecurities were. Even after everything I’d said, after asking to kiss her, she was still surprised I wanted her here.
“You’re my friend. I figured you’d bring him over at times. It made more sense to have things already here so you didn’t have to lug them back and forth.”
“So this is all about practicality?” she asked with a small smile.
I cleared my throat. “Of course.”
She shook her head with a laugh and stepped toward me. “I think it’s because you’re sweet.” The smell of strawberry shampoo hit my nose and had my mouth watering. It was beginning to feel tortuous not to touch her. But I was also afraid I’d never be able to stop.
Ellie placed a hand on Andy’s back and then lifted him from me before settling him in the crib. Tucking the blanket around him, she whispered good night and turned back to me.
“Ready?”
I swallowed roughly and nodded. It was all I was capable of at the moment. Without a word, I left the room and went back to the family room. I heard her enter and sit on the couch as I looked through my movies.
“Do you have a preference?” I asked, praying like hell she did because I couldn’t concentrate enough to read the titles.
“No.”
Fuck.
Wait. I let out a breath of relief after I remembered what I’d picked up the other day. I looked to the very top at the A’s because I kept them in alphabetical order.
Trying to keep it hidden from her, I grabbed the DVD and walked to the kitchen so I could remove the plastic and the stickers.
When I came back in, I looked at her for the first time. She was sitting with her legs tucked underneath her and her hands in her lap. I smiled tightly before popping the disc in and moving to the light switch. I paused with my hand hovering over it. I always turned them off, but would that make Ellie feel weird?
I decided to dim them until the room had a soft glow. Grabbing the remote, I finally moved to the couch and sat next to Ellie, leaving a couple of inches between us. My fingers began a tapping rhythm on my thigh.
Ellie’s delighted squeal filled the room when the movie menu came up. I turned and looked at her.
“Thank you. But you didn’t have to do this for me. We can watch something we’d both enjoy. The date should be fun for you too.”
Laughing, I hit the play button and we waited for the second Avengers movie to start. We’d already watched the first one together months ago. “Ellie if you’re having a good time, I’m having a good time.”
It really was that simple.
He’d put space between us. But for once I wasn’t insecure. I wasn’t freaking out about what it could mean, because I knew. He was nervous. It was in the way his Adam’s apple bobbed every few minutes or his fingers tapped along his impressive thigh.
I caught Grayson’s leg bouncing out of the corner of my eye, another tell, as I discreetly scratched my arm. When I was afraid I might rub it raw, I slid my hands under my legs and sat on them.
There. Problem solved.
Except not really. Because I started digging my nails into the couch. His leather couch.
“Shit,” I muttered, instantly freeing them.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yup.” I didn’t even look at him as I crossed my arms and started bouncing my leg too.
“Ellie,” he whispered, moving closer. My heart was thudding wildly against my chest.
“Ellie.” The word was softer now, but I heard it loud and clear because he said it right into my ear. His breath ghosted over my skin, causing me to shiver.
“Yeah?”
I’d had sex before—obviously, but all my encounters occurred with men I didn’t really care about. I couldn’t recall a single one of them, either. My nerves skyrocketed.
How would I compare to everyone Grayson had been with? How would I—?
“Ellie?” he asked, gently brushing my hair away from my face until he was cupping my cheeks and tilting my head his way. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head for good measure.
Grayson frowned. “Nothing needs to happen if you don’t want it to.”
“I want to. I just…”
“What?”
“I feel like a bit of a virgin,” I blurted out. He raised his eyebrows and I felt my cheeks burn. “I mean obviously I’m not because I have Andy. And I’m not the Virgin Mary or anything like that. I’ve had sex, which means I’m not a virgin…” His smile widened as I kept rambling, and at this point my face felt like a ball of fire.
“Ellie,” he said around a chuckle. I groaned and my head thudded against his chest. Grayson ran his fingers through my hair and tilted my face toward him. “Please relax. I want you to feel comfortable. How can I make that happen?”
“You can’t,” I said softly. I cringed at the hurt I saw in his eyes. “I just meant… my insecurities are my own.”
“What could you possibly be insecure about?” His eyes greedily moved over my body, making me squirm.
“A lot. I’ve never been completely conscious when I’ve had sex. To be honest I only remember a few…” I trailed off when I saw the thunderous expression on his face. “Not that I’ve slept with a ton of people.” My voice broke at the end. How could I even say that? I didn’t really know, did I?
I felt my eyes well with tears and immediately tried to push him away. God, this was embarrassing. I kept my gaze on his chest, away from his face.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t mad at you or angry about anything you’ve done. I’m furious at the guys who took advantage of you. In fact, if you had their names and addresses I’d probably be out of a job by tomorrow.”
My tears vanished as fast as they came, none having fallen. I took a deep breath before looking up at him. His eyes were soft and apologetic. “I didn’t say no. They didn’t take advantage of me.” It was important he knew the type of person I was. I wasn’t innocent.
The dark shadow returned, but I wasn’t scared this time. “If you weren’t in the right frame of mind to say yes, it’s just as bad. Silence isn’t consent. I’m not saying you weren’t reckless. You were.” He delivered those last lines gently, and I could tell he was only saying them because he was concerned. “But they should have stopped you. I don’t care if they were drunk too. A guy can tell when a girl is too far gone. They just didn’t care, and there’s nothing you can say that will make me feel differently.”
I smiled, wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing. “Thank you,” I whispered into his ear.
“You’re not alone, you know.”
“What do you mean?” I pulled back, my fingers playing with the hair around his nape.
“We’re both entering into this relationship the same way.”
My brows twisted with confusion. “I don’t…”
“I’ve never been in a relationship, Ellie.”
“I know, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t… you know.”
Grayson laughed. “You have a kid but can only say sex in the middle of a nervous ramble?”
“Apparently,” I muttered.
He looked contemplative as his hands moved to my shoulders, slipping under the straps of my dress, ghosting over my skin. “You’re right. I could have. But I didn’t.”
I froze. His words weren’t computing at all. “T-that… that’s not possible. I mean… are you saying… you don’t… you can’t mean…” I trailed off.
“I’m a virgin?” He chuckled at my wide-eyed expression. “That’s exactly what I mean.” His fingers moved the straps down, baring my shoulders. “Is it really so hard to believe? I told you what my childhood was like. I told you how closed off I became after Taylor’s death.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, and a brief flash of pain moved through his expression.
“I know. I guess I still thought you’d…”
“Hook up with random girls?” At my nod, he shrugged. “To each their own, but that’s not me. It never has been. I’ve fooled around some, but it never felt like a priority. When my family joked about me being married to my job, they weren’t kidding.”
Swallowing roughly, I nodded, lost in my thoughts. That was a lot of pressure. His goal had been to put me at ease, but this was almost worse. What if he regretted it? Regretted me?
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Look at me,” he said softly. I quickly shook my head.
Grayson’s hand slipped beneath my hair, gently grabbing the back of my neck, and his other hand cupped my cheek to turn my face his way. “I need your eyes.”
I slowly opened them and he was there waiting for me, just like he’d been since I’d met him, with open arms and tender words.
Kiss me.
The thought made my lips tingle. I unconsciously licked them, and Grayson’s eyes fell to the action.
“Grayson?”
“Yeah?” he asked distractedly, now looking at my chest and how rapidly it rose and fell.
“I need your lips.”
He chuckled; it was deep and filled with need. And then his lips were on mine. Soft and light, like I was delicate. Like he had on Christmas. But not in a way that made me feel fragile, just worshipped, loved… safe.
One of my hands fell to his waist, skating around to his back, relishing the warmth of his skin. The other laid on his chest, resting over his heartbeat. My fingers curled into his shirt and pulled him closer.
He was slow at first. Not unsure, but like he was savoring the experience. Grayson’s hands framed my face, the tips of his fingers massaging my hairline. Then he pressed harder, his tongue sneaking out to trace the seam of my lips. I moaned into his mouth and he immediately dipped his tongue inside. The first contact was heady, just like the first time. Thankfully I was sitting, because it made my knees weak and my head fuzzy.
My mind was whirling. His kiss turned confident and commanding. Almost painful, but the best kind. And within minutes we were done. Completely lost to each other.
We began shuffling at the same time, somehow keeping our lips connected. I twisted and lay back against the couch while Grayson awkwardly half stood until I could stretch out my legs. Once I was flat on my back he settled on top of me, the most delicious weight there could be. I spread my legs, and his hips fit like they were meant to be there.
Everything about how the two of us fit together felt that way. It was crazy and undoubtedly cheesy, but in this moment I swore we were made for one another. Opposites who completed each other in every way.
Grayson’s lips left mine to drop kisses on my neck, and every single touch had me falling deeper. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it hadn’t been this. I’d imagined he would be ravenous, eager, so ready to lose his virginity that he wouldn’t take this much care with me.
But that was exactly what he did. And I knew my fears and expectations were still being clouded by my past. By how every other hookup had been just that… casual. No one had ever known or cared about me the way he did.
He really did see me. And not for who he wanted me to be, or who I’d been. But for who I was now, and who I hoped to be.
I didn’t realize I was crying until he stopped and wiped away a stray tear. “What’s wrong?” His voice was soft, soothing.
“Nothing.”
“That’s not what this says.” Grayson lightly ran his thumb under my eye, catching another one. I brought my hands up and wrapped my fingers around his wrists.
“They’re happy tears. Sometimes I still can’t believe that you’ve stayed.”
“I couldn’t walk away from you, Ellie. Believe me, in the beginning I wanted to. I felt like it was only a matter of time before I failed you.” Grayson frowned as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.
“I feel that way every day about Andy. I haven’t thought about alcohol much, Joy and AA have helped; you’ve helped. But I’m constantly fearing the day I’ll choose it over my son.”
“You won’t.” He sounded so sure.
“How do you know?” I asked.
“You said you started drinking to escape the pain?” I nodded and he continued. “I know addiction is complicated, and I can’t boil it down to one thing. I know there will be bumps and hard times, but I’ve seen all kinds of people struggle, and I have a good feeling about your chances. You have the things you were lacking, and if you ever feel like escaping again, come to me. Pour all your pain into me. I promise I won’t let you drown in it.”
His words, filled with determination, floated over me. I rested my hand on his chest and stroked the spot over his heart. “So you want my new addiction to be you?” I asked with a small smile.
Grayson stayed quiet, brushing his hand over my head and winding his fingers through my hair. I held my breath as I waited for his response, and even though every fear and insecurity I’d ever had was trying to convince me to look away, I kept my eyes on his. I could feel his gaze like a touch, and when it settled on my lips, I shivered. Leaning down, his lips brushed my temple before resting against my ear.
“It seems only fair,” he whispered. “Since you’re mine.”
The words settled in my heart, filling me with more happiness than I’d thought possible.
Grayson moved back and the second I could, I lifted my head and sealed our lips together. His hand skated across my collarbone—
A high-pitched wail sounded from the back of the house. Then another. And another. Until it was one long, continuous cry.
He broke the kiss and his head fell against my shoulder.
“Shit,” he muttered. I agreed.
When he lifted his head, he looked toward the clock. “I should probably get you home anyway.”
I didn’t want to leave, but I took comfort in knowing he wasn’t thrilled with the idea either. Grayson reluctantly pulled away, standing and holding his hand out to me. He was staring at my lips as he helped me up. My eyes moved to his too.
When Andy screamed louder, I snapped out of it, shaking my head and putting distance between us. His hand snaked out, like an instinct, and rested on my hip, preventing me from moving farther away.
“I-I need to check on Andy.” I pointed over my shoulder.
Grayson nodded, still staring at my lips, before releasing me. I turned around and stumbled away, only to pause by the entryway and glance back at him. My heart soared when I saw him standing in the exact same place, gaze on the ground and his fingers reverently tracing his lips.
He lifted his head and found me staring. My breath stalled at the wonder on his face. No one had ever looked at me like that before, so I couldn’t say with any sort of guarantee what it was. But it almost looked like love.