WE HARDLY SAID A word as he drove us to his place. Andy was sleeping in the backseat, and a tense silence fell over the front seat. It was filled with my words from earlier. After he’d left the nursery, I went to my room and changed my underwear. I’d considered relieving myself, but decided against it.
By the time I came down, Grayson looked ready to crawl out of his skin. He kept his mouth shut as he loaded us into the car and drove off. Damien shot me a strange look as Grayson barely mumbled a goodbye.
I was shifting in my seat and I felt him look over; whatever he saw had him gripping the steering wheel harder and stepping on the gas.
When we got there, he parked the car and blindly shoved the door open. I watched him grab the bags from the backseat before walking up to the door. I quickly unbuckled Andy and followed close behind him.
“I’ll go put him down,” I said quietly. Grayson nodded, still facing the door after he’d locked it. After I tucked Andy in and grabbed the monitor, I turned on his mobile and slipped out of the room, grabbing one of the bags Grayson had dropped off on my way out.
Letting out a deep breath, I slowly walked down the hallway before dipping into the bathroom to change into my pajamas. I slipped a pair of tiny, loose black shorts over my dark green panties before pulling on one of my baggy T-shirts that matched the green of my underwear. The shirt fell just a couple inches shy of meeting the black thigh-high socks I was putting on.
I ran my palms down my sides as I looked in the mirror. My eyes were shining bright with excitement and my cheeks were flushed. I gathered my long blonde hair into my hand and pulled it into a messy bun on the top of my head, exposing my neck. With nothing left to do, I shoved my dress into my bag and left it in the bathroom before exiting.
I paused outside the door, listening to the sounds coming from the family room. Unable to discern them, I let my feet carry me toward the source. Stopping at the entrance, I took another deep breath. Grayson had changed too. Gone were the khakis and blue sweater. In their place was a simple white T-shirt and gray sweatpants that hugged his ass. I’d never really given much thought to the phrase “you could bounce a quarter off his ass.” I understood it now.
Only when he sat down, depriving me of the sight, did I pay attention to what he was doing. He was setting up his chessboard. There was no music playing and the room was dimmed like it’d been the night of our first date, when we watched a movie.
I shook out my jittery hands and walked toward him. His hungry gaze roamed over me as I took a seat on the ottoman across from him.
“We’re playing chess?” I asked, the disbelief evident in my voice. We’d only played a handful of times since he’d first taught me a few weeks ago.
Grayson shifted his eyes back to the board and cleared his throat. “Strip chess,” he clarified. “You seem to like games, yes?” I squirmed in my seat. “I capture your piece, I get to remove something from you. And vice versa.”
“The winner gets head,” I threw out. I was a bit nervous, but Grayson made me feel safe, and I felt like pushing boundaries.
My eyes traveled to his lap. It was a pointless bet. He would win; we both knew it.
“How about the winner gets to choose?” he countered. I clenched my legs in response, and based on his grin, he noticed. To be honest, I’d always favored oral sex. So I wasn’t complaining about the idea of him going down on me. Truthfully I was quite glad he seemed to like the idea, since some guys didn’t. But what man turned down a blow job?
“Not a fan of blow jobs?”
Shrugging, he said, “I wouldn’t know.” And then he continued setting up the board like he hadn’t just dropped a bomb.
“What?!” I screeched. Grayson glanced up and cocked an eyebrow.
“How…? Why?”
“Virgin, remember?”
“You said you did stuff…” I sputtered.
“Not that.”
I thought I was going to pass out. Grayson chuckled when I roughly exhaled. I didn’t care. His unabashed attitude about his virginity was kind of attractive.
Yes, his virginity still terrified me, but I couldn’t deny how amazing it felt knowing he wanted me to be his first.
Without a word, he started the game. I was silent too. A few rounds passed until he finally captured the first piece.
Standing up, I moved to lift my top when Grayson stopped me. “I said I get to remove it.” With that, he got up and walked around the table. His hands fell to my abdomen and slipped beneath my shirt. He carefully dragged it upward, all the while leaving a trail of heat where his hands had been. I shuddered as he skimmed over my bra, only opening my eyes when I felt air hit my bare back. Grayson tossed the shirt on the couch before he moved back to his side.
Oh God, this is going to be a long game…
We played a few more moves, neither of us successful until I captured his knight. Silently, we both stood up. I slipped my hand into his pants, finding boxers underneath. Feeling bold, I palmed him through the thin material.
“Ellie…” he growled, his hands forming fists.
Taking pity, I stopped, but when I grabbed the sides of his sweatpants and dragged them down his legs, I made sure to lower myself with them until his sweats were pooled around his ankles and I was on my knees.
“Step out.” My voice was husky and his dick twitched in response. I tossed his pants on top of my shirt and, unable to help myself, I leaned in and placed a light kiss on his tip.
Nerves raced through me. Being this way with him, feeling this comfortable, was exhilarating.
“Dammit,” he muttered. Grayson reached down and pulled me up, smashing me against him as he kissed me roughly. It was over as quickly as it started. “Be careful,” he warned. I wondered if he knew how much those two words, said in that low, guttural tone, made me want to be the exact opposite.
Standing up on my tiptoes, I whispered in his ear, “Just imagine that without your boxers between us.”
I stepped back when I felt him swell against my stomach. His muscles were taut and he looked ready to snap, as I casually sat back down. He moved slowly, like he was in pain, and I had to bite back a grin.
We continued the game. Capturing pieces. Slowly teasing each other. It was the best foreplay ever.
Twenty minutes later, the only clothing left between the two of us was my panties and thigh-highs. Concentrating with a naked Grayson across from me was impossible. My eyes kept straying to his lap, and his stare kept landing on my breasts. He licked his lips when my nipples pebbled, craving more than air.
It was my turn and I saw two scenarios. One would keep me fighting, while the other would set him up for a surefire win. Without hesitation I went with the second option. We both knew what I’d done. We weren’t playing a complicated game, but neither of us commented on it as he swiftly moved his queen and mumbled, “Checkmate.”
We flew at each other, our bodies crashing together, our lips fusing as one, and our moans creating the perfect soundtrack in the empty room.
Pieces clattered to the ground as we bumped into the table, but neither of us cared. I was actually surprised he didn’t want to fix it.
I hissed as our nipples grazed and he groaned when I wrapped my legs around his waist and slowly rubbed myself against him. The cotton was still between us, but I knew he felt how damp the material was.
“Fuck, Ellie…” he said as he ripped his mouth away.
“Do you still want to choose?” I asked. Our eyes were locked as I continued slowly grinding against him. His hands were on my butt, setting a tortuous rhythm, and mine were wrapped around his neck.
Before he could answer, I went on. “Imagine my tongue sliding over you, my mouth sucking you in, my hands squeezing…” I licked a path up his neck, and my lips settled against his ear.
I’d never felt this fearless. It was amazing.
“Jesus Christ.” He pulled my head back and kissed me. It was rough and hard.
Then we were moving, his strides quick and sure. Our breaths were heavy when he flung open his bedroom door. I unlocked my legs from behind him and slid down his body.
“What would be most comfortable for you?” He was barely hanging on by a thread, and yet he was still concerned for me.
I cleared my throat before nodding to the bed. “Lie on your back.” Grayson immediately obliged, stuffing several pillows under his head so he had a good view.
Without hesitation, I did exactly what I’d said. I slid my tongue along his length before sucking on the head. One of my hands moved to cup his balls while the other wrapped around his base. I hollowed my cheeks and took as much as I could.
“Fuck…” He groaned as one of his hands moved to my head and grabbed my hair, tugging me closer.
My eyes never left his. The pure ecstasy on his face was the best thing I’d ever seen. His eyes were completely black and his mouth had dropped open. I moaned around him as I pumped faster and sucked harder. Lightly squeezing his balls, I pulled back and swirled my tongue around the tip. When I took him back in, Grayson snapped. With a grunt, he grabbed my head with both hands and began thrusting into my mouth. I gagged. He looked momentarily horrified but I shook my head, digging my nails into his thigh. His eyes flared when he saw my other hand disappear beneath my panties and between my legs.
My fingers were soaked instantly as I began circling my clit, moaning around him. He didn’t last long—seconds later he was coming, and I swallowed all of it.
His fingers left my hair as his head fell back, his hands covering his face as he groaned, long and loud. “Ellie… God, that felt…”
Grayson slowly came down as I licked him clean, but I was still building myself up. Pulling my mouth away, my forehead fell to his thigh as I whimpered. I’d just moved my fingers so I could fill myself when I was in the air.
With a thud, I landed on Grayson’s chest as he captured my lips. Seconds later I was moving again, being flipped onto my back. I lifted my hips, seeking something… anything, when he pulled away, resting on his elbow and staring down at my heaving chest. I quickly shimmied out of my underwear, tossing them across the room before grabbing his hand. Taking his fingers, I ran them through my wetness. We both moaned, and he dipped his head to take one of my nipples into his mouth. My grip on his wrist tightened before he shook me away. Grayson continued to tease my breasts as he brought his finger to my clit.
“Yessss,” I hissed, spreading my legs wider. One of my hands twisted in the comforter while the other grabbed the back of his head, tugging on his hair. I had already been close, so when he sped up, it didn’t take long for me to explode. My soft cries filled his bedroom as I shamelessly rode his hand, chasing the last of my orgasm.
“I didn’t win, though,” I muttered lamely as I threw an arm over my eyes.
Grayson laughed and removed it. He kissed me slowly, deep, drugging kisses that had me slipping. And between that and the orgasm, I was quickly pulled under.
The last thing I heard before sleep claimed me was, “We both won.” The words were serious and reverent, and sounded like they were about a whole lot more than a couple orgasms.
My eyes fluttered open slowly… naturally. Arms stretching above my head and sock-covered toes curling against the sheet at the foot of the bed, I felt relaxed. I hadn’t slept through the night this well in months. And even when I did, I woke to the sounds of Andy’s cries in the morning. I hadn’t woken up on my own since before he was born.
That thought had me immediately bolting upright and looking toward the nightstand. 8:23 flashed back at me. The baby monitor was missing from its place beside the alarm clock.
I kicked the sheets off and swung my legs over the side of my bed, looking for our clothes, only to remember they were in the other room. I ran to Grayson’s dresser and grabbed the first shirt I saw before scurrying down the hall toward Andy. My sock-covered feet slid against the wooden floor as I came to a stop in front of the door and shoved it open.
Grayson turned toward me, rubbing Andy’s back. I slumped against the doorframe, my hand going to my wildly beating heart.
It didn’t slow down. The panic waned, and in its place was desire. Grayson was wearing drawstring pajama bottoms, sans shirt. My gaze drifted to the chair behind him; his shirt was lying on it, spit-up clearly present.
Most women considered muscles a turn-on. Try having a half-naked man hold a baby… it was the death of all conscious thought.
Only when Grayson’s eyes dropped to my legs did I remember what I was wearing. Blood rushed to my cheeks. His gaze started at my feet, sliding up my black thigh-high socks, pausing at the top. He fixated on the area of bare skin for a minute longer before moving to the oversized white T-shirt I was wearing. When his eyes met mine, they were heated. In reality only a few inches of my thighs were showing, but maybe the suggestion of what was underneath was enough.
I felt my nipples tighten, and even though the fabric concealed it, I brought my arms up and crossed them over my chest. My shirt rose with the action. That was also when I remembered I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
Oh my God… I can’t win.
I was positive my whole body was flushed red at this point. Trying to exhibit confidence I definitely didn’t feel, I walked forward, casually dropping my arms in the process.
“Is he okay?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” Grayson’s voice was equally quiet. My brows furrowed when he offered no further explanation.
“Where was the monitor?”
“I grabbed it after you passed out last night, but I kept it on my side. I thought you could use the sleep. Damien tells me you rarely let him or Naomi help.” Grayson’s hardened eyes, which had moved to my son, now rose to mine. “I figured you would’ve said no if I’d simply volunteered.”
“I would have.”
He nodded. “So I took away the option.”
“My option,” I said, poking myself in the chest. I wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t used to having someone like Grayson in my life. He just… did things. He didn’t think about whether a person would be angry. Or if they’d fall to their knees and be grateful. Grayson simply did what he thought he should, what he thought was best. He helped me the only way he knew how, and I knew he wouldn’t apologize for it. Not that I wanted him to. I loved, and envied, how assured he always was with his decisions.
“Why are you so resistant to letting others help you?” he asked. I wavered, something he immediately noticed. “We have a deal. No lying. We share secrets.”
“So you’ll tell me something in return?”
“Of course,” he said, like I should have known better. “But we shouldn’t have to trade anymore. You should just tell me because I’ve asked or it could help.” I opened my mouth, but he quickly cut me off. “Just like I should do with you.”
Grayson’s eyes dropped to my legs again. “It’s the least we could do after last night, no?”
My face turned bright red, my thoughts straying. I quickly shook myself out of it and tried to get back on track. The fact of it was, he was right.
“I don’t want to burden anyone. I want to be able to do this on my own. He’s my son. If I didn’t have you guys—”
“But you do,” Grayson interrupted softly. “What’s the point in thinking about scenarios that will never happen? There are far too many out there for it to be practical or helpful.” He stepped closer. “No one doubts your ability to do this by yourself. But you don’t have to. If you didn’t have us, I know you’d be able to take care of your son alone. But you do; you have us.” He paused again, his eyes roaming over my face. “You have me,” he said meaningfully.
Grayson’s large palm cupped my cheek. I shuffled closer, almost mindlessly, and his hand slid to the back of my head, gently cradling it while his fingers massaged my scalp. My eyelids fell as I surrendered to him.
Our lips came together, just for a moment, since Andy had started stirring, but it was enough. The hand that had held my neck moved down to my chest, resting over my fast-beating heart. His lips tipped up.
“Grayson…” I murmured, but I was unable to finish. Andy started wiggling more, shattering the moment, before turning around and facing me. A string of unintelligible sounds left his mouth as he reached for me, giggling.
With a wider smile, Grayson handed my son to me.
“I’m going to make us breakfast,” he whispered as he smiled down at me. I nodded, literally at a loss for words, and stayed in a daze as he moved around me. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear before leaving the room.
He was acting like this was all normal. Like we did this every day. A doting husband who let his wife sleep in while he took care of the baby, giving her a kiss before making breakfast. It was… surreal.
This wasn’t my life. I wasn’t sure I even deserved something like this.
Andy giggled, bringing my eyes to him.
But he deserved it. No matter what, he deserved something this pure. I wouldn’t let my insecurities nor my pride take anything away from him.
“Ells?” he called from the kitchen. “Do you want orange juice or milk?”
“Milk!” I shouted back, covering one of Andy’s ears while the other lay against my shoulder. My son put his hand atop mine, like it was a game, something we did every morning. Again, this all came naturally, and I only had one hopeful thought…
Could this really be my life?
I had just started breakfast when Ellie came out and put Andy in his high chair. I tried to grab her and pull her in for another kiss when she waved my outstretched hand away.
“I have morning breath,” she mumbled.
“I’ve already kissed you.”
“I know.” She cringed. “I’d forgotten. I was in such a hurry to find Andy.”
Grinning, I tried again. “Well I didn’t care the first time and I don’t care now.”
Ellie slapped her hand over her mouth before saying, “I care.” Well at least I assumed that was what she said. It was hard to understand her that way. And it just made me want to kiss her more. I laughed as she pivoted around and bolted from the room.
“I’m gonna change,” she called out before the bedroom door slammed shut.
The scrambled eggs were done in no time, and I’d just finished buttering the toast. I was only waiting on the bacon.
My bare feet felt cool on the wooden floor. I was wearing loose drawstring pants and had grabbed a clean T-shirt. I walked toward Andy and rested a hand on his head. He was laughing, his hands raised near his face. I leaned down and shielded my eyes from him. I could imagine his smile dropping, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead, as he looked around. Right as panic was probably setting in, I moved my hands with a gasp. Andy kicked his chubby legs and opened and closed his fists toward me, his laughter twice as big as before.
I felt her the second she was in the room. Without looking, I knew she was hovering in the entryway between this room and the hall.
“Is your mommy spying on us?” I suddenly asked, still facing forward. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her straighten and walk into the room.
“No. Spying implies hiding, and I was standing in plain view.” Turning my head, I saw her nodding to herself before she moved toward the fridge. She was still wearing her black socks, but she’d changed into one of her own shirts. I wouldn’t have minded if she’d stayed in mine.
When she came out dressed like that last night, I nearly lost my mind. She looked much like she had when I’d first met her: a baggy T-shirt and thigh-highs. And just like that first time, a bolt of lust shot through me. That sliver of skin where her shirt ended and her socks began tempted me like nothing I’d ever felt before.
My gaze lifted from her ass when she turned around. Ellie blushed, catching me. When I looked closer I noticed she was fidgeting.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I saw the parenting books on your nightstand.” She bit her lip and I frowned.
“What about them?”
“Did you buy them?”
I moved back to the stove when the bacon started sizzling. “Well, as an officer, I don’t condone stealing. So yes, I paid for them.” I grinned back at her.
She rolled her eyes and came to stand next to me. “I wasn’t sure if maybe you borrowed them from one of your siblings. I didn’t know you bought any books. I didn’t…” Her gaze ran over my face tenderly. “When’d you get them?”
“Just before Andy was born. I had no clue what I was doing. How else was I going to help you?”
Ellie shook her head like I was missing the point. I might have been. “You’re amazing,” she whispered with a wide smile. I hooked my arm around her waist and pulled her into me.
“I think we did pretty good. And you were worried.” I shook my head.
“Huh?” she asked.
“You were worried about our first ‘involved’ sleepover.” I smirked when I pulled away and put air quotes around involved.
“Oh, yeah. We did okay.”
“Just okay?” My brows rose. “I may not be experienced, but I seem to recall—”
She immediately covered my mouth with her hand. “I have no clue what you’re going to say. But I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know. I’ve turned into the tomato version of myself enough times around you lately.” I grinned against her skin right before I kissed her palm.
Our heads turned as Andy started banging his hands on his tray.
“I don’t think he likes sharing you. Not that I could blame him.”
“You’d better be careful—a girl could get used to all this flattery,” she joked.
Her feet had carried her too far away for me to pull her back, but if she’d been closer that was exactly what I would have done.
“That’s the idea.” I didn’t watch for her response, I simply turned around and finished taking the bacon out of the pan.
Ellie started getting Andy’s food ready while I put all the dishes on the table. When I stepped to the sink to wash my hands, my eyes caught on the drawer in the corner. The one where I kept all the Still notes my mother had left me. She’d be giving me one more in a few weeks, on my twenty-sixth birthday.
I quickly dried my hand as I came to a decision. “I’ll be right back,” I told Ellie as I snatched my phone off its charging station and walked into another room.
My mother answered after only two rings.
“Grayson? Is everything okay?” she immediately asked.
“Yes. Everything’s perfect.”
“Oh. Okay.” I heard her take a deep breath before I spoke again.
“I’m sorry, I can’t talk long. But I had a favor to ask.”
“Of course. Anything.” I wondered when I’d stop feeling like shit at the enthusiasm in her voice when I called.
“I was wondering if we could get the family together and have a birthday party? For me, I mean.”
Her silence stretched on for so long I was sure she’d hung up.
“Hello?” I asked.
“Yes.” She cleared her throat, sounding choked up. “Yes, we can. Of course, Grayson.”
Over the years I’d convinced myself that I “had” to work on my birthday every year. It wasn’t my choice, I’d rationalized. It was complete crap, I knew that. But a person could convince themselves of anything if they were desperate enough.
I nodded. “Can I bring someone? Actually, two someones?”
“Absolutely.”
“One of them is a baby.”
Papers were shuffling around, and I could tell it was killing her not to ask a million and one questions. “Perfect. We’ll see you in a few weeks.”
She hung up quickly after that, perhaps afraid I’d change my mind.
A small part of me was too. But seeing them at Christmas only highlighted how much I missed them. The reason I’d limited my time with my family never had anything to do with them. The problem had always been me. Because it was hard to be around the people who had seen you at your weakest.
A person’s past had a way of putting a dirty filter on their vision of the future. It was time I cleaned mine.
It was time for me to go home.