DOGS BEING DRAGGED BEHIND cars.
Babies being neglected and abandoned.
Children getting beaten by their parents.
Women getting sexually assaulted.
These were some of the reasons I didn’t believe in fate. How could I? How could I believe in things like fate and destiny and meant-to-be when shit like this went on in the world?
In what universe were these things meant to happen? What higher power would demand these things to happen?
None I wanted to follow or believe in.
And the people who believed in fate were either fools or just plain weak.
Fate was for cowards, who wanted to shove their poor decisions off on a force greater than them. People were responsible for their own lives. Things didn’t happen to me. No, every action was a result of a decision I made.
I believed all those things to be true, wholeheartedly. As it turned out, it only took one moment, one tiny moment, for my entire world to be flipped upside down.
I never saw that moment coming, of course. I walked up to Damien Harrington’s apartment and knocked on the door like it was any other day.
“Who is it?” a voice called.
“Officer Mable.”
The door swung open, and it was his complete opposite. Fair skin. Long, light blonde hair neatly brushed and falling over her shoulder. And despite her round stomach, courtesy of being four months pregnant, I could tell she normally had a slight build. But what struck me most was her hazel eyes. Despite everything Damien told me, they were bright and determined… and so beautiful I needed to remind myself to breathe.
She was wearing a baggy gray T-shirt that skimmed her knees and a pair of black thigh-high socks with the face of a cat at the top. There were only a couple inches of bare skin between the two, yet something about her outfit made her look exposed.
“Hello?” she asked with an uneasy expression.
I hadn’t responded; I was still too busy staring. Something about her was familiar and terrifying.
She began to fidget. I wasn’t surprised—I’d often been told I made people uncomfortable with how I gave my complete attention. Damien had also mentioned her skittish nature.
Silence settled between us as I tried to figure out what to say. All of a sudden her eyes widened. “Oh God. Is it my brother? Did something happen to Damien? Is he—?”
“No, no. Nothing’s happened. Damien is fine. I’m actually a friend of his. Clearly he’s not home, but do you know when he’ll be back?”
I peered over her shoulder into the living room, adding to my lie. Funny, it hadn’t felt like one when I’d decided to come over. But now that I was here, something about meeting her this way felt strange, dishonest.
“Do you know when your brother will be back?” I repeated, feeling incredibly uneasy. Should I tell her? But what was there really to tell? And shouldn’t Damien be involved in that discussion?
“Uh, no. I don’t. Not an exact time.” She suddenly looked down, and my eyes followed. Her orange popsicle was melting and a few drops had landed on her finger. I watched with rapt attention as she licked them away. Then she sucked on the popsicle to stop more from falling.
My gaze instinctively moved to her lips, watching her take the popsicle out of her mouth. I lifted my eyes a second before Ellie and saw her face redden.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
“It’s okay.” I cleared my throat. Now I felt uneasy for an entirely different reason. “I apologize for stopping by. I should have called before coming over.”
“That’s okay,” she quickly said. “Do you, uh, do you wanna come in?”
My eyes moved over her again. I cursed myself and stepped away. “Actually I have to get going.”
“Oh, okay.” I’d just turned when she called out, “Hey.”
“Yes?”
“What’s your name?”
I paused. Something about telling her my name made this official, like this was truly the first moment we became aware of one another. The first time we heard each other’s names. For her that was true, for me less so.
“Grayson,” I finally said.
“I’m Ellie.” She gave me a small smile as she held up her hand and waved. It was fucking adorable. She seemed too sweet for her own good, and it left me unsettled. Women like her got destroyed by the world, all but eaten alive. And I suddenly felt like a fraud for agreeing to help Damien. When had I ever been able to help a woman like Ellie? I’d failed the one person who mattered most. What business did I have in trying again?
Too many thoughts were swirling in my head, and I had to get away from them. I gave Ellie a distracted nod before all but running down the stairs.
My feet quickly carried me to the parking lot. I was walking fast, faster than normal, and that visceral reaction scared me. I deliberately slowed my pace as I neared my car. Not that it had done much good—she’d already seen me practically sprinting away from her. A man didn’t move in that much of a hurry unless a person had an effect on him.
It wasn’t really her I was running from; it was my mind and my past. Things that were always with me.
And now they were mingling with the present. With Ellie. A storm started brewing in my head, and all I could do was stand there, waiting for nature to wrap me in its clutch.
This was the moment. The tiny, unforeseen moment that flipped my world upside down. All my thoughts about fate felt like a lie when my eyes fell on Ellie Harrington for the first time.
I felt something around her I hadn’t felt in years.
Magnetic. Buzzing. Overflowing with energy.
I knew I’d never forget her.
But somehow I’d have to.
Because I couldn’t fail another person the way I’d failed Taylor.
My feet pounded the pavement as I hit mile three of my five-mile jog. I usually ran the same route, but now that I knew where Damien and Ellie lived, I found my legs taking me off course… right by their apartment complex.
It had been two weeks since I’d first seen her, and I still felt out of sorts. So I wasn’t seeking her out—I didn’t actually think I’d see her. But as I rounded the corner and my eyes lifted to the balcony of their apartment, my body lurched to a stop at the sight of her blonde hair. It was like a beacon against the dreary buildings around her.
Lifting my shirt, I wiped the sweat from my face. My chest rose and fell as I shuffled closer.
Ellie was standing at the railing, her head bent and her hands on her stomach. She was wearing purple thigh-highs and a black T-shirt. I smiled, wondering if that was her standard attire.
I knew why the father wasn’t around; one-night stands were hard to track down. But it seemed impossible that no guy was in the picture. I’d only met her once, but some people had an innate goodness in them that you noticed immediately. She was one of them. She was—
Crushed.
That was the only way to describe her expression as she lifted her head and stared out into the distance.
I was still several yards away, and a floor down, but I could see the shake of her shoulders as she cried. I watched as she pulled her arms tighter around her stomach and bit her bottom lip.
I could see everything except for her eyes. The one thing I wanted most. Although I’d imagine if I did see them, I’d want to destroy whatever—or whoever—was responsible for her pain.
Closing my eyes, I stepped back.
No.
I couldn’t do this. She reminded me too much of Taylor. Her sadness and pain called to me, and that was the very reason I had to step back.
The only thing I could do was help her from afar, through Damien. Keep everything neat, just like it’d always been. That was the safest option for all.
I wasn’t getting further involved. The decision was made.
Without looking back, I turned around and continued my jog. I didn’t question why my heart rate and breathing hadn’t gone down in the time I stood there watching her.
I just ran.
My phone was ringing when I walked through my front door twenty minutes later. I took a few deep breaths before answering. “Hello?”
“Hey. It’s Damien.”
“I know.” I’d seen the ID before picking up. “What’s wrong?”
He paused, his agony present even in the silence. “I came home tonight and found Ellie sitting in front of a bottle of Jack.”
Every part of me froze, except for the dropping of my heart.
This is why she looked so devastated…
I’d only spoken to her once, only seen Damien a handful of times, but this felt like my failure. My insecurities, my past, my fear, were stopping me from helping someone who truly needed it. If that wasn’t cowardly, I wasn’t sure what was.
“Hello?” Damien asked when I remained silent too long.
“Yeah, I’m here.” I cleared my throat as emotion crept in. “Did she drink any?”
Listening to him relay the incident was more painful than I’d anticipated. It literally made me weak in the knees and I had to sit down. I didn’t even care that I was sitting on my couch dirty and covered in sweat—something I never did. My routine was always to shower before sitting down after a run.
I hated the way he sounded, like he thought he’d failed. But oh, how I could relate to it.
Ellie didn’t drink any. He said the bottle was sealed. Still, after seeing her, I was sure she considered it. I was also sure those thoughts had felt like failure to her.
Damien told me she was lonely, that the bottle had only been there because one of her old friends had come over to “congratulate” her on the baby. I could imagine how happy having company would have made her. The decision made by alcoholics and drug addicts to get clean often resulted in the loss of most—if not all—of their friends.
Loneliness was a strange affliction that could make people do crazy things. Stupid things. I knew the feeling well.
Ellie was in desperate need of some friends. Damien had told me about her sponsor, Joy, and his new girlfriend, Naomi, but they all had other commitments too. I didn’t know much about Joy, but she obviously had a life outside Ellie, although her brother said he could see how dedicated she was to helping Ellie, not just as a sponsor but as a true friend. Then there was Damien, who worked two jobs and had recently settled into his own relationship with Naomi. Plus I had a feeling he was the last person Ellie would go to if she felt stressed—she wouldn’t want to worry him. And that left Naomi, who would be starting law school in a few months.
Ellie needed someone with fewer responsibilities. Someone like me.
Outside of work, I didn’t have a girlfriend or any other friends to speak of.
I was never lonely like her. I enjoyed my solitude, my bubble of peace. If I wanted to be responsible for helping people, I couldn’t afford to get emotional. Emotions clouded judgment; they didn’t let you see what was right in front of you. If I wanted to help people—and that was all I wanted—it was better to keep myself at a distance.
It seemed Ellie required someone a little closer, and I could do that. As long as we kept the conversations focused on her and I said little about myself, it would stay in the realm of one person helping another.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Damien had gotten quiet, and I could imagine all the regrets and what ifs floating through his head.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“What is?”
“I know you want to be there for Ellie, but that doesn’t mean presenting her with some cardboard cutout of what you think she needs. She feels terrible right now because she thinks she’s let you down and that you’re mad at her.”
“I’m—”
“But your reactions, and sometimes your overreactions, are going to make her stronger. She is going to see how this affects you and realize she needs to step up. She may have declined the drink but she still let her friend in, she still let her stay, and she let her leave the alcohol. But one day Ellie will be more than a passive observer in her life. One day she’ll take control. Ellie will actively take control and make better choices because she’ll want to make you proud… She’ll want to make her child proud.”
I also wanted to tell him that at least he was doing something. He wasn’t burying his head in the sand, hoping the problem would solve itself. Even if he didn’t know what he was doing, even if he was grasping at straws—like reaching out to me—he was still trying.
But I couldn’t say any of that. Not without revealing my own inaction all those years ago.
“That makes sense,” he finally said, his voice soft and contemplative. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I’m ready to be there for you as much as for Ellie.”
I didn’t give him a chance to refute me before hanging up. I also didn’t analyze why this felt like such a big deal, my willingness to let two people in when all I’d done for years was shut others out.
My plan had been to stay away for good. But it looked like fate wasn’t done knocking me on my ass.
That was how I ended up in Babies R Us, glaring every way I turned.
I wanted to get Ellie a real gift. Why I thought I knew what the fuck that should be was beyond me. I must have looked as lost as I felt.
“Excuse me, dear… do you need any help?”
I was preparing my polite decline as I turned around, only to be struck mute. It wasn’t an employee like I’d been expecting. The woman had to be at least eighty—her thinning hair was white and framed a weathered face.
“I bet you know exactly what to get. But help an old gal feel useful,” she said with a grin. My smile easily matched hers.
“I want to get a practical gift.” I turned back to the aisles, lifting my gaze to the signs.
“Is this for a first-time mother?”
Nodding, I looked back to the woman. “She’s also on the younger side. I want her to feel more prepared.”
“What a thoughtful young man you are.” I shifted on my feet, my hands itching to straighten the pin she had on her shirt. She laughed in response. “Follow me.”
Thirty minutes later I left with a few packs of diapers and wipes, a nursery kit, and a bath time gift set. Everything was loaded in my trunk.
“Thank you again. I appreciate all your help.”
“Of course. That mom is one lucky lady.” She squeezed my arm before digging around in her oversized purse. Once she found what she was looking for, she handed it over. It was a Babies R Us bag. With furrowed brows I opened the bag and looked inside. “I saw you looking at it inside,” she said, confirming my suspicion. It was currently wrapped in paper, but underneath was a simple white picture frame. The words love at first sight were written on the bottom, and there was room for an ultrasound picture.
“You were supposed to be going to the bathroom,” I murmured, closing the bag and looking back up at her. “It wasn’t practical.”
She grinned. “Not everything needs to be.”
Reaching for my wallet, I said, “Let me give you money—”
“You’ll do no such thing.” The woman sounded genuinely offended. “It’s a gift.”
My gaze moved back to the trunk. This was a lot. Possibly even overkill and maybe a little weird. But I got the feeling that people thought about Ellie far less than they should, so even if it was a lot, over the top, or weird, I wanted to show Ellie she deserved to be treated special.
“Thank you,” I said as I turned around to face the old woman.
“You’re welcome, dear. Treat that girl and her child well.”
“I’ll do my best.” Even though my best had never been enough before…
The woman swayed on her feet. I quickly shut the trunk and locked the car before holding my arm out. “Let me help you to your car.”
She was parked close by and after I got her settled in the front seat, she beamed up at me and patted my hand. “Such a sweet boy.”
I awkwardly shifted on my feet, unsure of how to end a conversation with someone whose name I didn’t even know.
The decision was made a few seconds later when she pulled her door closed and wiggled her fingers at me from the other side. I lifted my hand and returned her wave before she pulled out of the spot and left the parking lot.
My palms were sweating when I got back in my car and took the same path out. I made the drive to Ellie and Damien’s apartment slower than necessary. Truthfully, I was nervous. It’d been so long since I’d done something like this, something outside of my routine. And I was headed there this time with zero expectations. I had no idea whether Damien would be there or if Ellie would even want to see me again. She didn’t know me, and I didn’t exactly make a good impression the first time.
Despite my unhurried speed, I still arrived sooner than I expected. I grabbed the one large bag that contained wipes, the nursery kit, and bath set, and one pack of diapers. I’d have to come back for the others.
I knocked and waited longer than it would take someone to answer, but I was undeterred. Somehow I knew she was home. I could sense her apprehension though, while she most likely remembered what happened the last time someone came to her door.
After I knocked again a soft voice asked, “Who is it?”
“Grayson.” The last syllable hadn’t fully left my mouth before the door flung open, so fast I had to take a step back. My eyes did a quick sweep of her body. She was wearing thigh-highs again—this time they were pink with white stripes at the top—and a black T-shirt fell to her knees similar to before.
“Hi.” She cleared her throat and I saw her fingers gripping the doorframe. Then she started fidgeting. I lifted the bag and her eyes widened.
“I brought some things. Uhh… for the baby.” I used my other hand to pat the pack of diapers.
“Oh.” Her surprised eyes lifted to meet mine. Then she smiled. A wide, brilliant smile that told me no matter how ridiculous I’d felt, I did the right thing. It was the kind of smile I’d do almost anything to see again. “Come in.” She scurried backward and I crossed the threshold for the first time. My eyes took in their apartment. It was small but you could tell it was lived in, that the people there loved each other. It was displayed everywhere. On the fridge where Damien had left his sister a note, on the couch where Ellie appeared to be folding the laundry, and on the walls where several framed pictures were hung, and even some hand-drawn ones.
I blindly put the Babies R Us bag and the diapers on the kitchen table before walking over to one of them. It wasn’t framed, rather tacked to the wall. My eyes traced the soft curves and simple lines of the woman he’d drawn. She was sitting on a couch, legs crossed with her hands on the sides of her rounded stomach. The smile she was wearing was different than anything I’d ever seen. It put the brilliant one she just gave me to shame.
“I had no idea he was drawing me,” Ellie whispered from beside me.
I shook my head. He didn’t simply draw her. He captured her. I looked at this paper and saw a million little things that told the story of who this girl was.
My usual compulsion to straighten the crooked paper wasn’t there because even that felt like part of the narrative. Ellie didn’t need a frame, and she didn’t need to be displayed on a perfectly aligned canvas. In this picture, she existed outside of all that bullshit that others hid behind. Damien showed Ellie embracing her life, the good, the bad, and the messy.
Looking to my right I found her gaze on me, questioning, maybe wondering what I saw. I appraised her in the same way until she dropped her eyes and stepped back.
This was the first I’d seen of Damien’s work, and I could tell he was undoubtedly gifted, but I had a feeling not even this touched who Ellie really was. I’d only been around her for a collected ten minutes, but I could tell. It was in the way she fidgeted, ready to escape your presence, or how she dropped her eyes, fearing you’d see too much.
I turned around and found her standing on the opposite side of the table. “Do you want something to drink? Or maybe a popsicle?” she asked, her face growing red again. “That’s not a normal thing to offer, is it?”
My lips twitched as Ellie waved a hand and laughed at herself. Pointing to the bag, she asked, “Can I look?”
“Of course. They’re yours.” I stepped back and pointed toward the door. “Actually, I bought a few other packs of diapers. I’ll go grab them.”
I was back in less than two minutes, and what I found gutted me. Ellie was sitting at the table, sniffling as her shoulders shook. She startled when the door shut. Still facing away from me, her shoulders straightened, and I watched her bring her hands up to wipe away her tears. Silently, I put the diapers on the table and sat. I let out a breath of relief when I saw the picture frame in her hands. My reprieve was short-lived.
“I already love him so much,” she blurted out, her voice high and nearing hysterical. “This isn’t about not wanting him. But I’m scared for him. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not enough? I didn’t think it’d be this way. Raising a kid alone, no one to help me, no one to want to, no one to love me…” She trailed off, her cheeks flaming, most likely replaying the last few seconds. “OhmyGod. I didn’t mean to say any of that. I’msosorry.” Her words were slurred as she buried her red face in her hands.
“Ellie—”
“Nonono.” She lifted her head and asked, “Can we forget about this? Chalk it up to hormones?”
The awkwardness sat heavy on my shoulders as I tried to figure out what to do. I knew pregnancy hormones were intense for some women. I remembered when I was six years old and my mom was carrying my youngest sister, Mary, she cried when a man helped her in the grocery store. But Ellie’s overactive emotions came from real fears, and ignoring problems never solved anything, I knew that too well.
“You’re going to be fine, Ellie. It’s your actions that determine strength and security, not your thoughts or feelings. Everyone gets scared.”
She shrugged and tried to smile. It was clear her embarrassment would overshadow everything else. But that was okay—I hadn’t planned to stay long. I just wanted her to know someone was thinking about her.
So many things about this visit were the same as the first. I’d taken the same flight of steps up to her, I’d stared at the same cracked paint and knocked on the same dented door. She’d been nervous and I’d been awkward.
And yet… something felt different.
Maybe it was because I’d given myself permission to befriend her, because I looked at her and saw a world of possibilities. Possibilities I shouldn’t be seeing, let alone considering.
This was Damien’s sister. The sister he asked me to help.
Recovering alcoholic.
Pregnant.
I had zero business being so intrigued by her. But I couldn’t help it. I’d never felt anything like this before. There was this overwhelming feeling that I needed to know more about her, that the pain in her eyes might understand mine. That this random way we came into each other’s lives meant something.
Clearing my throat, I took out my phone and opened up my contact list, selecting the option to add a new one. Without a word, I slid the phone in her line of sight. Her eyes, which had been staring down at the table, avoiding mine since her confession, lifted. My gaze moved to her fingers, watching her slowly type in her number.
Our stares tangled when she finished, and our fingers brushed as she handed my phone back to me.
The energy that surged through me was a complete shock to my system; the feeling was so unexpected it was frightening and overwhelming. But instead of killing me, it brought me to life.
It was what I imagined being struck by lightning felt like.
I couldn’t see all the ways it would affect me; I just knew my life would never be the same.
I had a job. Well, kinda. I think.
Honestly, it felt a bit like a pity job. One I wasn’t even sure I’d be any good at it, but I was willing to try.
Naomi came over about half an hour ago and started telling me about her Etsy shop. She sold knitted items and had been looking for some help since she was going to start law school next year. I’d never so much as picked up a knitting needle before, but after a few minutes of her teaching me I started to get the hang of it.
This was a good distraction, I realized. It kept me from thinking about Grayson. It’d been about two weeks since he’d first knocked on our door, and I was completely shocked to find him on the other side of it again yesterday.
Our second conversation was as awkward as the first, thanks to yours truly. I still couldn’t believe I’d cried in front of him. But after he went back to his car and I found that picture frame, I was too overwhelmed to keep it in. He was nice about it, nicer than most guys would be, and I couldn’t deny the warm, fuzzy feeling I had when he left.
I’d never had a guy ask for my number before. Well, he didn’t technically ask, he simply assumed I’d give it. Not in an arrogant way, but like there was no other option.
I smiled just thinking about it.
I’d yet to mention anything to Damien. I wanted to keep it to myself for a little bit longer. Plus, I wasn’t quite sure how he’d feel.
Joy was also in the dark about it. I didn’t want to hear all the negatives while I was so happy. Joy and Damien definitely tried to keep me grounded. I needed that, but I didn’t always want it.
Still, I was dying to tell someone. I started wiggling my butt against the couch cushion, my eyes darting to Naomi every few seconds, trying to think of a way to casually bring Grayson up. All of a sudden she set her half-done scarf down and turned my way.
“What?”
I jumped a little, losing my place and dropping my needles. “What what?”
“You want to say something. Spit it out.”
Crap.
Naomi seemed nice, but I didn’t know her well enough to feel one hundred percent comfortable. I fiddled with my needles as I tried to buy more time. I could feel my blush running across my cheeks and down my neck.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I finally whispered.
She gave me a dubious look, and something about her expression reminded me of a dog with a bone—she was not going to let this go.
“Well… I was just… wondering…” I stumbled for a minute before admitting defeat and sighing. “DoyouknowGrayson?”
“Who?”
“Damien’s friend… Grayson.”
Naomi’s lips turned down. “I don’t actually know any of his friends.”
My guilt bubbled up again. “He doesn’t really have any. Between working and me… D doesn’t have much time. That’s part of the reason I was so surprised. But he…”
“He, what?” Naomi was grinning as she lightly poked me in the side with the flat end of her needle.
“He was really nice. I’ve never…”
You think a nice, put-together police officer would be interested in you?
It was amazing how I could hear my mother’s voice like she was sitting right next to me. I shook my head. “Never mind. It’s stupid.”
Naomi frowned. “What’s stupid?”
“Thinking about a guy right now. I’m pregnant.” I pointed to my stomach. “Pretty soon I’ll be waddling… I’m going to be a waddler. How sexy.” I shrugged, trying to make it a joke so it didn’t hurt so much.
Naomi was undeterred. “To the right man. Yes, it could be extremely sexy.”
“I’m pretty sure my brother would have a heart attack if I started dating. Besides, I barely even talked to him. I’m being crazy right now.” It was crazy, but I had to accept that I had no control over the feeling.
I smiled a little as we started working again. After a little while, Naomi looked over at my work and said, “For a beginner, you’re getting the hang of it really fast.”
“Thank you.”
“Also, if we’re gonna be friends, the first thing you should know is that I’ll always call you on your bullshit.”
My smile widened, and I felt my heart get a little lighter. “We’re gonna be friends?”
Naomi rolled her eyes. “We’re already friends, that was just an expression.”
Friends.
It felt like such a long time since I’d had one of those.