I TRUDGED UP TO the house with Naomi. After we’d left the hospital earlier, we met up with Joy to tell her everything and get some dinner. Then the three of us just drove around, talking.
Now, her arm was wrapped around my waist and my head was on her shoulder. We separated when we reached the door. She dug around in her purse before she found her keys and let us inside.
Our eyes moved to Damien, who was sitting in the living room, spread out on the couch with Andy sleeping on his chest. My brother’s large, tattooed hand rested against his back to keep him safe.
“I kinda want one,” Naomi said softly. I whipped my head toward her and she smiled. “Obviously not any time soon, but I can’t wait to come home to this one day. He’s so good with him.”
I looked back at my brother and smiled. “Yeah, he really is.”
Damien stirred and when he saw us standing there, he bolted upright, all the while keeping Andy asleep. “Hey,” he whispered, his eyes darting between the two of us before stopping on me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, and I’m sorry about before.” I waved my hand toward him. “I know your heart was in the right place. That’s all I could ever ask for.”
He blew out a breath of relief before looking at his fiancée and tensing again.
“Here, I’ll take Andy.” I reached for my son so I could give them some privacy. When I passed Naomi I squeezed her shoulder and mouthed, “Be nice.”
She grinned. I knew they weren’t in any serious fight. I gingerly walked upstairs and immediately went toward Andy’s room. He stirred when I checked his diaper, but other than that he easily went back to asleep when I put him in his crib and wrapped him up.
I slowly shut the door until it was only opened a crack, then padded across to my room. Pausing, I saw the yellow post-it on my bedroom door. There was a single word on it, written in Grayson’s messy scrawl.
Still.
My lips pulled up into a small smile as my eyes filled with tears. I grabbed the note before turning around and heading downstairs. I grinned when I found Naomi and Damien making out on the couch.
That didn’t take long…
“Hey.” They broke apart, panting, and I winced. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but is there any way you could watch Andy? I want to go see Grayson.” I didn’t explain or tell them about the note.
“Of course,” Naomi agreed, looking toward the fireplace to make sure the baby monitor was there and on. The green light indicated yes.
“Great. Thanks, guys.” I waved before turning around and walking out.
My palms were sweaty when I got there ten minutes later. It was ten o’clock when I knocked on his door. The porch light flooded the area around me a second before he opened the door.
He was in sweatpants and a T-shirt, looking like he had run his hand through his hair a lot recently. His eyes were red like he’d been crying.
“Ellie.” His shoulders slumped and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. I slowly put mine around his waist and breathed in his scent.
“Hey.” Pushing away, I slipped my hand into my back pocket and pulled out the post-it. “I got your note.”
Grayson had kept his distance since our argument this morning. He hadn’t bogged me down with calls or texts; I’d only gotten the post-it. But he wasn’t the type to let things sit. He would normally demand we talk it out, but he was oddly quiet. I must have really scared him this morning if he hadn’t already brought it up.
“I went to see her,” I whispered into his chest. He froze, but when my breath shuddered he snapped out of it.
“Are you okay?” Grayson asked, his voice low and worried. I felt a warm palm cup my cheek, and I smiled.
“I am.” I’d finally stood up to them. And it wasn’t an act, it wasn’t for show. I did it because I believed it.
He smiled, but something about it was still off. “I’m proud of you.”
Nodding, I looked over his shoulder. “Can I come in?”
“Always.” He stepped back and waved me in. But I didn’t feel comfortable like I normally did. The tension I’d thought would disappear seemed to thicken. “Do you want anything to drink?”
“No, I’m good.”
He looked me over and shook his head. “I’m going to get some water.”
I didn’t like the feeling that something monumental had happened and I had no clue what it was. I slowly padded into the kitchen after him, freezing when I saw him. His arms were corded with tension as he braced himself on the counter, his head hung low and his eyes squeezed shut.
“Grayson?”
His eyes flew open as he straightened and moved toward the fridge. “Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said slowly. I didn’t bother asking how he was—it was obvious something was wrong. Instead I walked over and rested my hand on his forearm. “Tell me something that hurts?”
He shuddered, closing the fridge empty-handed. “We’re supposed to be talking about you.”
“I can wait. Grayson, look at me.” When he did, I found a strange combination of sadness and relief. “Please, talk to me.”
Nodding, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall toward his bedroom. Grayson immediately went to his dresser and pulled out a T-shirt. “Will you put this on?”
I quickly toed off my shoes and stripped out of my skirt and tank top. He’d already crossed the room and was sitting on his bed, waiting for me. Once I was close enough, he lifted the sheets up and settled us underneath.
Only when I was in his arms, our legs tangled together and our breaths mixed, did he seem to relax.
“I read Taylor’s letter tonight,” he whispered.
“What?” I jerked back, separating us enough so I could see his face.
“Yeah.” His eyes were focused on my throat.
“Why didn’t you wait?” I asked softly. “I would have been here for you.”
Grayson’s brows creased and his lips turned down. “I didn’t know when you’d be back.”
He didn’t say it, but the implied if hung in the air between us. We’d spent so much of our relationship trying to assuage my fears and insecurities that we never touched on his.
“I was always coming back.” I ran a finger over one of his eyebrows, smoothing it out.
“When we first met, you reminded me of her. Over and over again, I’d imagine all the ways I could fail you, like I failed her.” I opened my mouth to correct him when he shook his head. “Like I thought I’d failed her, until I read her letter.” Grayson took a deep breath. “She said there was nothing I could have done differently. She didn’t blame me…”
“Of course she didn’t. It wasn’t your fault.”
“It’s not fair… that you could love someone so much and still not be enough, that you could try your hardest and still fail. But no one said life was fair.” He smiled wistfully. “And I’m starting to see that I did my best with what I had. I’ll never stop wishing things were different, but she said something about making something positive out of it. So I’ve decided to look into programs for teen bullying.” He shrugged. “See if my story—our stories—could help someone else.”
“That’s great,” I whispered.
“Ellie.” He finally lifted his eyes to mine. “I understand why you were mad. But just because I wanted to help you doesn’t mean I think you’re incapable. I’m amazed by you,” he breathed, his gaze roaming over my face like he was looking at something precious. “You’ve overcome a lot, and I was worried your parents would undo all your hard work.”
I started to smile, ready to reassure him that I knew all that, when he spoke again. “I can’t promise something like this will never happen again. It’ll always be in my nature to want to protect you.” He blew out a heavy breath. “And if that isn’t something you want…” He trailed off, like the idea was too painful to consider, and looked down at the bed between us.
Was this really where his mind had been all day? It made sense. Grayson had never been in a relationship before, never really had many friendships before, so it was likely he couldn’t tell an argument from the end.
With a frown, I shuffled closer. “Grayson?” My palm came up to his cheek. “I know that’s a big part of who you are. And I appreciate it. I do. But there’s a difference between helping someone once they’ve fallen and constantly holding them up, just in case in they do.” I leaned forward and lightly kissed his lips before whispering against them, “I want you to be the one to help me stand when I’ve fallen, but I need to at least try.”
He nodded, his warm eyes tracing the curves of my face. I smiled and whispered, “You know what else today made me realize? I got mad at you.”
“Yeah, I noticed,” Grayson muttered.
I shook my head with a laugh. “You don’t understand. I’ve never really gotten mad at anyone except for Damien. I get sad and frustrated, sure. But I rarely let myself be mad at people. I’ve been afraid for so long, worried that if I get angry or say the wrong thing I’ll push the few people I have away. I didn’t worry about that this afternoon. I wasn’t worried when I came back over here either. I trust you. I believe you’ll stay.”
“I will.” His eyes changed, the fear and uncertainty replaced with a look that had me holding my breath. “Because I don’t simply see you. I’m in love with you.”
He leaned forward and kissed me. Nothing passionate, just slow, sensual sweeps of his lips against mine, before pulling away. I slowly opened my eyes. My heart raced, giddy and terrified about what I was going to admit. Something I’d never said to anyone other than Damien before. “I love you, too.”
I looked at the slab of concrete, trying to find words, but I had nothing.
Ellie stayed over last night and when I woke up this morning and told her about my urge to see Taylor, she got up and dressed without a word. Now she was patiently waiting in the car, working on some of the knitting she’d brought with her, while I stood here, doing and saying nothing. Because now that I was here, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
Taking a deep breath, I—
“Hey, stranger.” I turned around at the sudden sound of Rebecca’s voice.
“Hi,” I said back, stunned to see Taylor’s mom here. My throat grew dry when I realized we hadn’t been here together since the day of her daughter’s funeral.
“How’d you know I was here?”
She tilted her head toward the waiting car. “A little birdie told me. She figured you’d want to talk, but would be less inclined to do so in the impractical setting of having no one to actually talk to.”
I huffed out a small laugh, amazed that Ellie knew me so well when I hadn’t even put that together yet. And that she’d managed to grab Rebecca’s number without me seeing.
“She’s right,” I murmured, looking back at the ground. “Not that that’s surprising. She’s smart.” My voice dropped to a whisper when I said, “Taylor would have liked her.”
“I could see that. Ellie seems like a wonderful girl.”
Nodding, I looked back at my girlfriend. “She is.”
Rebecca touched my arm and when I turned toward her, there were tears in her eyes. I’d never been the best at reading emotions, but they didn’t look sad. They looked… hopeful?
“Ellie mentioned you finally read Taylor’s letter. That you realized there wasn’t anything you could have done.” Rebecca’s hand landed on my arm and she squeezed. “I’m glad you’ve come around. Her father and I hated that you thought that.”
“I don’t think it could have been avoided.”
“I suppose not. We blamed ourselves for years, too.” Rebecca was staring hard at her daughter’s grave. “It should be a crime to outlive your child,” she whispered.
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. She was right. We all felt loss, but that kind of loss… there was no comparison. I imagined it was the worst kind of torture.
“It feels like it goes against the laws of nature… I’d be a widow if I lost my husband. She’d be an orphan if she’d lost us. But there isn’t a word for when a parent loses a child. You know? Like the idea is so painful, the thought so unimaginable, we couldn’t even find a word for it.”
She cleared her throat and looked at me, a few tears spilling down her cheeks. “But all that pain doesn’t change anything. All I can do is miss her and honor her in any way I can. That’s what she would’ve wanted.”
“I haven’t been very successful there.”
“You’re starting now.” She wiped away her tears. “Grayson, no one blamed you for the way you felt. We understood. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to see this. It’s more of an evolution. And you’re getting there. That’s what matters.”
I coughed into my fist. “And maybe we could see each other more?”
Her eyes lit up with her smile. “We’d love that. Truly. And if you want to bring Ellie, we could even tell her about Taylor…”
“I’m sure she’d love that, too.”
Rebecca stepped forward and pulled me into a hug, one I easily returned. When she moved back, she took out a piece of paper and placed it in my palm; her hands encased mine and squeezed. “Be well. We’ll see you soon.”
We hugged again and she walked away. I opened it and stared at the words. My eyes filled with tears. Like her daughter, Rebecca had always known the right thing to say.
Ellie was walking down the stairs, Andy babbling against her shoulder, while I sat on the couch. After we left the cemetery this morning, we swung by to pick him up before coming back to my place.
I was holding Rebecca’s note and flipping it over my fingers when she sat down beside me. Andy was already drifting back to sleep as she patted his back. Without a word, I handed her the paper. I knew she’d been curious earlier and I wanted to share, but my nerves had been too raw then. I placed my hand on her knee as she read the words I’d already stared at hundreds of times today.
“You cannot save people. You can only love them.”
—Anaïs Nin
I felt a gentle hand wrap around my bicep and soft hair touch my arm as she leaned her head against me. Her gaze moved to the quote in her hand.
“I don’t know if I agree,” she said softly. “Isn’t loving someone a little like saving them?”
“I guess it depends on what you’re trying to save them from.”
She nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it… and maybe it’s a push. Maybe loving another person is like giving them a little nudge, providing a reminder that that person is someone worth saving. That they should try harder to save themselves. Does that make sense?”
I placed a kiss against her forehead. “It does.”
“Circumstances matter. It’s natural to want our loved ones to save us, for us to want to save them. But that doesn’t always mean it’s possible. I’m not saying you’re responsible for what happened—”
“I know,” I cut her off, my tone gentle. “I know exactly what you mean. Being loved by you helped me see that I can’t shut myself off from the world. It doesn’t take away the pain, only robs the joy. You taught me that feelings aren’t a curse, but a privilege. But it was up to me to forgive myself for what happened to Taylor. You showed me how to love again. And if that’s all a person can do,” I said, pointing at the paper. “Then yes, it feels like you saved me.”
She smiled wide, tears swimming in her gorgeous hazel eyes. “Exactly,” she breathed, stunned, like she couldn’t believe I’d understood her. I was positive there wasn’t anyone I knew better.
“You loving me has always felt like the start of being saved,” Ellie said. “I’ve been thinking about this ever since I found out my mom was shot. About what it meant that one person—her—could make me feel so little and insignificant, and then how one person—you—could make me feel so powerful and worth knowing. And I think it wasn’t really about you guys at all. I let her tear me down because I secretly felt that it was what I deserved.”
My heart broke. “Ellie—”
“Let me finish,” she interrupted softly. “I wouldn’t have known what to do with someone like you had I met you then. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to accept myself even if no one else would. To love myself even if no else did.” She smiled again. “And now I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t know what to do with her hateful words and complete disinterest in me or my son. It doesn’t fit because there isn’t a single part of myself that believes I’m weak or stupid or incapable.
“Over the years, with each person I’ve gained, Damien, Naomi, Andy… you, I’ve realized how worth saving I am. How loved I am. I have so much to offer this world. Even if I trip and fall, it doesn’t discount how far I’ve come, and nothing about it prevents me from picking myself up and going any further. It’s just a fall, and my life isn’t meant to be lived there.”
She laid her hand over my heart, and I felt her warmth move through me, like it did whenever she touched me.
“I kinda think our greatest villains and our strongest superheroes will always lie within us. I was the reason for my struggles in high school, and I’m responsible for my success now. And I believe, no matter what, I would’ve gotten here eventually. But I can’t deny what your love has done for me.
“I’d been hiding, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be found. I just wanted to see who’d come looking.”
“I’ll always come looking,” I whispered.
“I know.” She was beaming. “You made me whole, Grayson. Not because you completed me, but because you helped teach me how to complete myself. You loved me, and because of that I was able to save me. And I think… I think maybe that’s what a soul mate is.”
There was no ducking of her head as if she was waiting for my approval of her opinions, no eyes shifting back and forth like she was unsure if she should have said anything. Ellie spoke her mind and was proud of it, no validation needed.
Cupping her cheeks, I drew her to me and my lips crashed down on hers. She let out a squeak of surprise before melting into me. One of her hands clutched my arm as the other made sure Andy was secure against her shoulder.
I had to pull back after only a minute. Ellie’s eyes were heavy with desire as I reached for Andy.
“Wait, wait,” she slurred.
I watched as Ellie kissed him on the forehead before lifting his leg and kissing the underside of his foot. Andy lightly giggled and wiggled his legs. The movements were sluggish, sleep working to pull him under. Only then did Ellie hand him to me.
I moved across the room to secure him in his bouncer, where his eyes drifted shut almost immediately. I grabbed his stuffed lion and placed it next to him, watching him immediately curl toward it. When I turned around she was smiling, but froze when she saw me studying her.
“What was that about?” I asked. Her brow furrowed and I elaborated, “I’ve seen you do that a couple of times. Kiss him on the head and then the foot. I was just wondering why…”
A deep crimson rushed across her cheeks and down her neck. She bit her lip.
“It’s a reminder that I love him from head to toe,” she finally divulged. “I know he’s just a baby and he doesn’t understand it, and by the time he’s old enough to understand it he’ll be too big for me to do it…” Ellie waved her hand and sighed.
“It probably sounds silly out loud.” She shook her head and looked down.
I wasted no time in getting back to Ellie. She was softly laughing as I jumped over the couch and tackled her onto her back. Bending down, I captured her lips with mine. I pulled away a few seconds later, resting one hand on her hip and threading the other through her hair, tilting her face up. “No, it doesn’t. It sounds wonderful. Do you see how much joy you bring him when you lift his leg and kiss his foot? He has plenty of people to kiss his head, but I bet no one else kisses his foot. He may not understand why but he feels it, and sometimes that’s more important.”
With a shy smile she melted into me, wrapping her arms around my waist and placing a kiss over my heart. I rested one hand on the back of her head, gently messaging, and rubbed her hip with the other. She hummed her contentment.
“Do you know why I kiss your knuckles?” I asked. Ever since our first time together, I made it a habit to.
Her eyebrows pulled down. “No. I’d noticed but never really considered why.”
I ran my finger over them. “You don’t use your fists, but you beat yourself up more than anyone I’ve ever met. And however little sense it makes, or stupid it sounds, I kiss them. In my mind, I’m reminding you to stop beating yourself up.”
“Grayson…” she murmured, gazing up at me in wonder. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by all the emotions running through me. And as I stared down at her, soaking in her sweet smile and the adoration in her eyes, I thought about how much I loved her. But how so many people before me failed to.
Because I was lying here wondering… how could anyone not?