I WOKE UP DISORIENTED. I recognized the soft cries that sounded to my left, but I was unfamiliar with everything else. The dark gray walls, the black satin sheets, the hairy leg I’d just kicked…
Awareness flooded me as I rolled over and saw Grayson lying next to me. I was still getting used to waking here even though I’d spent almost every night here for the past two weeks. Naomi and Damien were enjoying the continued alone time and as much as I was afraid to admit it, Grayson’s house felt as synonymous with home as my brother’s.
He was still asleep, so I quickly reached over and muted the baby monitor before Andy woke him. Silence blanketed the room as I carefully crawled out of bed, leaving Grayson to sleep.
Andy was low maintenance this morning. After a quick bottle and burping him, I put him back in his crib. I could have crawled back into bed as well, but seeing as it was almost seven o’clock, I decided to stay up and make breakfast for Grayson for once.
And that was where he found me when he woke up fifteen minutes later. I was standing at the counter and cutting up a pineapple, when I felt his palms land on my waist. They effortlessly slid around and pulled me back into his strong, warm body. We were both still wearing what we went to bed in.
Him: Drawstring pants and a fitted T-shirt.
Me: Thigh-high socks and a loose T-shirt.
“Morning,” I whispered. He didn’t respond as he peppered soft kisses down my neck. My hair was pulled up into a loose bun on the top of my head, giving him easy access. Knuckles gripping the counter, I closed my eyes when his hand slipped underneath my shirt. Grayson’s hand was so large it spanned my entire stomach, his pinky flirting with the edge of my boy-short panties while his thumb brushed the underside of my boob.
I was torn between wanting his hand to go higher and lower. It was amazing how quickly he could turn me on, almost without even trying. I rejoiced when his hand shifted lower, only to groan when it landed on my thigh and slowly slid down toward the end of my sock. His other palm fell to the opposite leg, mirroring its movements.
Grayson’s lips hovered by my ear. “Do you know how many times I fantasized about you?” he asked, low and tortured. I quickly shook my head, waiting for what he’d do next.
“Hmmm, so you probably aren’t aware…” He trailed off, his fingers teasing the top of my thigh-highs, slipping under and stroking the skin.
“A-aware of what?” I managed to get out. My head was pitched forward, eyes on the abandoned knife and fruit. His lips moved to my cheek, and I felt him smile against my skin before he placed a gentle kiss there. Then he slowly dragged his mouth toward my ear before answering.
“How many times I saw you in these socks”—he paused while his fingers, still underneath the material, skirted around my leg until he was stroking the skin on the back of my thighs—“and wanted to drop to my knees? To bury my face between your legs while you wore nothing else?”
My breath hitched.
No. I had definitely not been aware of that.
He gripped the end of my T-shirt and waited. I didn’t have to look at him to know he was asking for permission. I quickly nodded and helped him remove it, feeling the bite of the cool air as it met my skin. The shirt floated to the ground and I stood before Grayson in only my thigh-highs and boy shorts. His fingers ghosted over my back, exploring.
After a few minutes he removed his hands, but I didn’t have to mourn the loss for long before he grabbed my hips, pulling me even further away from the island. I shuffled back, hitting the opposite counter, when he said, “Hold on.”
Taking a deep breath, I gripped the edge and waited. When he got on his knees, mine almost buckled at the look he was giving me. His eyes flared as he stared up at my naked breasts. I personally never thought my A-cup boobs were much to fawn over. Except for being pregnant, I had been thin my entire life. Some even called me gangly. Having a child didn’t change that. Three months after I gave birth I returned to my former size, plus a few stretch marks.
I’d be lying if I said standing nearly naked in front of Grayson like this didn’t make me nervous. Of course he’d seen me already, quite a few times. Never in the daylight though, where every flaw was highlighted.
But the second I saw the look in his eyes, that fear dissolved and arousal took its place. He was looking at me like I was perfect.
He smirked at the expression on my face—undisguised lust—before shuffling forward, still on his knees. The smile fell and his hands rose until he was stroking the skin above my panties. Leaning in, he kissed one of my faded stretch marks.
“You’re not embarrassed, are you?” he asked, gently tracing the pale pink line. I could tell he wasn’t asking because he thought I should be.
“No,” I whispered, one of my hands leaving the counter to run through his hair. “I don’t regret anything having to do with Andy. I’d proudly wear stretch marks all over my face if it meant I had him.”
Grayson smiled up at me. “And you’d still be beautiful.” I felt my blush all the way to my toes. It turned into an entirely different kind of flush when his hands moved lower. My breath caught and my heart hammered as they slid around and down, until he was cupping my butt beneath my underwear.
I whimpered, my hand tightening in his hair, when his fingers dug into my skin. His patience was fading as he dragged my panties down my legs and flung them behind him, leaving me in only my baby pink thigh-highs.
With ease, he lifted my leg and hooked it over his shoulder, and started eating me out like he’d been doing it for years. There was nothing slow about it, and the immediate pressure had my back arching and my legs shaking.
“Oh God,” I moaned. My fingers twisted, tugging on his hair, until my legs gave out and I fell back on my elbows. There was a bit of pain at the contact, but I didn’t care.
“Are you okay?”
“Don’t stop,” I panted as I tightened my legs around him. He laughed even as his eyes flared with desire, and then I couldn’t think about anything else when he put his mouth back on me.
The closer I got to my orgasm, the less I cared… about anything. I shamelessly ground down on his face. Embarrassment might have touched me, even in my blissed-out state, if not for the way his eyes heated and his fingers dug deeper into my skin, pulling me closer.
He seemed to want as little space between us as possible, and I didn’t disagree.
“G-Grayson…”
At the sound of his name, he groaned against me, sending delicious vibrations through me. One of his hands fell to my bare thigh, shifting lower until his fingers flirted with the edge of my socks.
“I’m close,” I mumbled, just as he swirled his tongue around my clit before sucking… hard. I cried out, wave after delicious wave rolling over me. He was relentless, wringing out as much of my pleasure as he could. “Oh God, I c-can’t…” I whimpered.
Grayson finally slowed. My eyes fell shut and I tipped my head back, a sated smile on my face. He stood up, pressing kisses against my skin as he went, until his mouth met mine.
After a few drugging kisses, he pulled away and whispered, “Morning.”
“You know, for someone who…” I stumbled over my words. Quickly clearing my throat, I finished, “… has never done that before, you were pretty good at it.”
His hand slid around my neck, kneading the back of it. “I love to study. And guess what my new favorite subject is? You.” I shivered as he kissed my cheek.
“Your pleasure.” Another kiss to the corner of my mouth. The smile that spread across my lips quickly dropped when his hand found its way between my legs.
“Your moans,” he said, eliciting that very thing. “Your—”
He cut himself off when Andy started crying. Grayson chuckled. “At least he was considerate enough to wait until I’d finished.”
Shaking my head with a laugh, I pushed him back, quickly grabbing my discarded clothes and pulling them back on.
Grayson walked by, heading toward the fridge, and paused to squeeze my hip. “Why don’t you grab him while I finish breakfast?”
I frowned, looking back at the discarded cutting board. “It was my turn to feed you.”
“You did, and it was the best meal I’ve ever had.”
I rolled my eyes and turned around. “I walked right into that one.”
He grinned. “You sure did.”
Andy’s screams grew louder, and I pulled away.
“Hurry back,” he called as I walked down the hallway with the goofiest grin on my face.
Everything was perfect.
Until it wasn’t…
“All units, we have a ten-thirty-one in progress, commercial burglary at 9620 E. Monroe.”
My hand was already reaching for the sirens when my partner said, “That’s only two blocks from here.”
Nodding, I began weaving in and out of traffic as Brody responded to the dispatcher, telling her we were on our way. We were there in minutes, hopping out of the car and approaching the drugstore with our guns drawn.
“HURRY!”
Our backs were flush against the walls outside the door. I peeked around the corner and assessed the scene.
Two perps. One had a handgun pointed at the cashier, who was crying as she shoved the cash into a sack. The gunman’s arm was shaking, and I’d bet anything that upon closer inspection I’d find several more signs of a junkie. His partner was equally jumpy. He had a gun pointed at an older couple huddled against the back wall. Leaning in just a bit, I looked at the large security mirror in the corner and noted there was no one else in the store.
My back hit the wall again as I looked at Brody. I quickly relayed what I knew: the number of perpetrators, number of hostages, and what they were carrying.
With a quick nod, we entered, guns raised at each perp.
“Police! Freeze!” Brody shouted.
“Drop your weapons,” I calmly instructed, my eyes dead set on the gunman aiming at the couple. Now that I was closer and looking longer than a couple seconds, I could see he was shaking badly. There were sores on his arms and panic in his eyes.
“C’mon, guys. No one’s gotten hurt. Let’s keep it that way,” my partner tried to reason with them. Mine was close to caving: his arm was still raised, but his gun was angled at the hostages’ feet.
“A-A-Al…” the guy I had my gun trained on stuttered. “I don’t…” He didn’t finish as he slowly lowered his gun to the ground. The second the metal made contact, all hell broke loose.
“Coward!” Al yelled, turning and firing at his friend. He only got two shots off before Brody shot him once in the chest. The two of us moved forward quickly yet carefully, just as I heard backup arrive. I secured the gun before searching for where he was hit. The one who’d lowered his weapon looked up at me, pale as a ghost, shaking his head.
“He m-missed.” That wasn’t too surprising.
“Sarah! Sarah!” I looked over and saw… shit! He missed his “friend,” but managed to hit the woman. The man was leaning over her and shouting her name over and over.
“Cuff him and call a bus,” I instructed one of the backup officers who had just arrived before moving over to the couple. My feet froze when I truly saw them for the first time. I’d been too focused on the gunmen before.
I’d only seen the couple one other time, but I’d never forget them.
How did you forget the people who made the woman you love cry? Who’d made her feel like a failure? Or unimportant?
You didn’t. But I had to put that aside and do my job.
I moved forward, assessing her. She was on her back, going in and out of consciousness. There was blood on her pristine white shirt. I quickly found the source, a slug on the right side of her chest, below her shoulder, and began applying pressure.
“Was she hit anywhere else?” I asked while still looking for another possible injury.
“No, no. The other one went into the wall.” He pointed up and my gaze followed, confirming what he said.
“Ma’am? Can you hear me?” I increased the pressure as her eyelids fluttered closed.
“SARAH!” the man screamed again.
I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like the bullet had missed anything vital. I didn’t say anything though; I continued pressing my hand to her chest while I listened to the chaos around me.
My eyes zeroed in on her. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a bun so tight it was barely disheveled despite the circumstances. She—Sarah—was wearing pearls, a tight skirt that stopped halfway down her calves, and I imagined her white blouse had been perfectly ironed before all this. She was the type of woman who always looked put together. I’d gathered that much at the grocery store all those months ago. But one circumstance was all it took to undo it. Why hadn’t she seen it was the same way for Ellie?
And instead of trying to stop the unraveling of Ellie’s life, she made it fray more, tugging on the ends until the fabric of who her daughter was was practically unrecognizable.
“I glanced away for a second,” I heard Brody say. I imagined my partner was explaining how “Al” had managed to fire off two shots before he reacted. The rest of the conversation was lost on me as the paramedics arrived. I stepped back and gave them room, but my gaze stayed on her.
A few seconds later Sarah regained consciousness, her stare meeting mine. I looked down into a pair of hazel eyes, so similar to the ones I stared at every single day. These were harder—even now, in this vulnerable position, there wasn’t any warmth to them. But there was recognition.
The rest happened in a blur. There was paperwork to fill out and statements to make, and by the time it was all done, I was beyond exhausted.
The only thing I wanted was to go back to my house, where Ellie and Andy were. She’d wanted to stay over and make me breakfast since I was working a night shift.
It was four in the morning right now, so she was asleep and wouldn’t notice if I was late.
I’d debated on what to do for only a couple seconds before deciding I needed to talk to Damien. The car was in park—I was so shaken I didn’t even check to see if it was parallel with the sidewalk—in front of his house when I dialed his number. My thigh bounced, hitting my keychain every few seconds.
The call was edging toward his voice mail when he finally picked up. His voice sounded groggy as he muttered, “Hello?”
“It’s me.”
I heard the ruffling of sheets and a soft, “I’ll be right back” before he came back on. “Grayson?”
“Yeah.” I was staring out the window, looking at the world around me with new eyes. It felt strange that everything would be the same when on the inside, nothing felt similar.
Your whole world could change, and yet everything went on like nothing ever had.
“Where are you?” He sounded more alert now, his voice moving toward panic. “Are Ellie and Andy okay? Is—”
“They’re fine. I’m outside.”
Damien was quiet as I saw the front porch light turn on out of the corner of my eye. I looked over in time to see the curtain covering the front window fall into place a second before the door opened.
I didn’t know who hung up first, but when he came out he didn’t have a phone and mine was already discarded in the passenger seat.
Slamming the door, I looked over at Damien. His long blond hair was disheveled around his face, and his sweatpants and T-shirt were rumpled. He looked exactly like you’d expect, until you looked at his face. Jaw tightened and eyes hard, he seemed to be bracing himself.
“Grayson, I’m trying to stay calm, but you’re freaking me the fuck out.”
“It’s your mother.”
He crossed his tattooed arms over his chest, the only indicator of his worry the slight flare to his eyes. “What about her?”
“My partner and I responded to a call earlier. It was an armed burglary at a drugstore uptown. Your parents were there. One of the gunmen ended up shooting and caught your mother in the shoulder.” I pointed out the area, a little lower than the shoulder; it had been closer to her chest, but saying that made it sound worse than it was. “The paramedics told us that barring complications, she should be okay.”
I waited for a reaction, but Damien was like a statue. Truthfully I wasn’t sure what he should be feeling. What was the appropriate response to something like this?
Their parents had been out of their lives for years, and the two times they’d spoken to them in the last year had ended with Ellie’s tears. But they were still their parents. At what point did blood stop being important?
With every disregarded feeling, every cruel word tossed out, and every piece of her heart that broke off, they pushed Ellie—and by extension Damien—further away.
I saw it time and time again on the job. People returning to their family members because they insisted they “loved” them, only to be hurt again. At some point they had to release that connection. Because being beaten and battered along the journey would prove to be more painful than simply letting go.
“Ellie will want to see her.” Damien’s voice jarred me from my thoughts.
“She will,” I agreed, nodding my head. It didn’t escape my attention that he was completely ignoring his own feelings on the matter.
“We can’t let her.”
I wavered. I didn’t want her near them anymore than he did. I could still feel her shaking in my arms, her sobs piercing my ears and heart as she cried that day in the grocery store parking lot. My mind still heard the insecurities spill from her as we talked back at my place.
But could we really make this decision for her?
Before I could deliberate any more, he spoke again. “You haven’t been there, Grayson.”
My fists bunched as I took a step forward. “I held her while she fell apart that day in the store. I—”
“One time,” he all but shouted. “You’ve witnessed it one time. How can you ask me to send her back to them, knowing what I know? How am I supposed to tell her this, knowing she’ll go back to the mother who belittled and degraded her? And that was when she bothered to pay attention at all.”
I cringed as each word fell from his mouth, and he wasn’t even close to done.
“Once, I was about sixteen, I came out of my room and found her sitting on the stairs, quiet and focused on the conversation in the other room. I’d just opened my mouth to ask her what she was doing when I heard it. My mother was entertaining friends in the next room, and they were talking about a dance that was coming up. Someone asked when she was taking Ellie shopping for a dress.” He shook his head and laughed, but the sound was dark and cold. “I remember watching Ellie sit straighter, excited by the prospect of spending time with our mom. Later she told me she thought our mom was going to surprise her about the dance. I couldn’t even see her face that day on the stairs, but I could tell she was glowing.”
Damien’s eyes filled with tears while I stood there, unblinking, as if I couldn’t miss a minute. He ran a hand over his mouth before letting out a deep breath.
“Our mother chuckled, and I could imagine her shaking her head and rolling her eyes, as she told them Ellie wasn’t going. I had to stand there and watch Ellie’s shoulders slump and her head drop. I had to stand there and listen to my mother tell a room full of women who had daughters in school with Ellie that Ellie was a waste of a daughter. Who would take her to the dance? What dress would even look good on her stick-skinny arms and chicken legs? It felt like she went on forever, and I had to stand there and watch my baby sister wither with each word. Her shoulders got lower and lower, as if everything our mother said was a physical weight, pushing her down, until finally she got up. Our mother had made one final ‘joke’ that had everyone breaking into laughter before Ellie stood and quickly spun around, ready to flee up the stairs. She froze when she saw me there; silent tears were running down her cheeks, and her eyes held a world of shame. I’ll never forget the embarrassment on her face. Like she was worried I’d heard everything and somehow agreed.
“I’d been on my way out, but instead I brought her to my room and held her as she cried. Hours. She cried for hours, Grayson.” Damien took a deep breath and hung his head. “A few weeks later she had her first taste of alcohol,” he whispered.
When he looked up, his eyes were begging me. “She’s in a good place—hell, a great place, now. I’ve never seen her so happy, and a big part of that is Andy and you.”
His words filled my chest with an emotion I didn’t recognize.
“Do you want to jeopardize all that?”
No.
“I don’t want to lie to her, Damien.”
“Some lies are necessary.”
I wanted to argue, but the look in his eyes told me it would be pointless. But my loyalty to Ellie far outweighed my loyalty to her brother. “We should go see your mom. Gauge the situation for ourselves.”
He begrudgingly agreed, and we made a plan to meet at the hospital at ten o’clock.
By the time I got home it was a quarter to five. I was meeting Damien in five hours, and while I knew I needed all the sleep I could get, I also knew I wouldn’t be getting much.
I changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt before sliding in behind Ellie, pulling her into my arms and burying my face in her hair. A few seconds later Ellie sighed, melting into me even more. I squeezed her closer; something about this whole night had me feeling that I needed to hold on extra tight.