GRAYSON WOULDN’T TELL ME where we were going. He only said to make sure Andy and I were ready at five o’clock, and not to eat dinner. I couldn’t really control my son but I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, so I was starving.
Andy was downstairs playing with Naomi while I finished packing his bag and grabbing fresh clothes to change him into.
At the sound of a knock I jogged downstairs, my smile widening with each step. My gaze had been on my feet so I didn’t trip, but my head snapped up and I came to an abrupt halt when I hit the bottom.
Damien and Grayson were standing there staring at me. Damien with a smirk and Grayson with a soft smile. My face flamed as I thought about how goofy happy I probably looked coming down the stairs.
“Hi.”
“You ready to go?” Grayson asked quietly.
“Almost. I just have to put Andy’s clothes on.” I walked into the family room and lifted him from his blanket where he lay next to Naomi on the floor. Naomi rolled over and grinned up at me, spreading her arms and legs as if she was making a snow angel. My brother came to a stop beside me and smiled down at his fiancée.
I was moving toward the stairs when I felt a hand on my waist. Looking over my shoulder at Grayson, I raised an eyebrow. He squeezed once before letting go and grabbing my hand.
“I’ll help you,” he said, pulling me up the stairs.
We didn’t speak as Grayson dressed Andy in a blue onesie and put his tiny black Vans on. I stood leaning against the doorjamb and watched him lift my son into the air, a wide smile on both their faces.
“You ready to have an adventure?” Andy kicked his chubby legs and giggled at Grayson’s question. “Is that an affirmative?”
“I’ve come to interpret it that way.” Grayson turned around at my words and brought Andy to rest on his hip. He held his hand out for the bag, but I waved him away.
“I can carry it. You don’t have to do it all.” I turned my back on him to grab it when his arm snaked around me and easily picked it up.
“I know you can carry it, and I know I don’t have to,” he whispered against my ear. “I want to help you.” Shivering at the way his breath hit my skin, I nodded and let go of the strap I’d been holding on to.
Before he could make it far, I grabbed Andy’s lion and stuffed it in the bag. Grayson grinned down at his old toy before starting for the stairs.
When we got back to the family room Damien had joined Naomi on the floor. Except he was on top of her, her hands pinned over her head, as they made out like teenagers. They were always big on PDA, especially Damien, but it’d gotten out of control since they got engaged. As soon as Naomi let out a moan, I covered one of Andy’s ears and gently shoved his head against Grayson’s shoulder to block out the noise.
“Really?” I hissed at them. Grayson chuckled as I quickly opened the door and shoved him through it. I locked up while he went to the car and got Andy situated. He was still laughing when I got to him, securing the last strap of the car seat.
“I feel like I’m living on the set of a porno.”
“They can’t be that bad.” Grayson shut the back door before stepping around me to open mine.
“They are,” I assured him, sliding into my seat and buckling up. Once he was in and turning the car on, I continued, “They’re considerate at first. But every time I leave the room I come back to find one of them on top of the other. We were watching a movie last week and I had to go to the bathroom. Three minutes, Grayson. I was gone for three minutes, and when I came back Naomi’s sweater was off and she was straddling my brother.” I shuddered, swatting Grayson when he started laughing again.
I wasn’t really annoyed—far from it. Yes, seeing Damien and Naomi in various states of undress these last few weeks hadn’t been pleasant, but I couldn’t be too angry when it kept making my normally serious boyfriend smile so much.
“So I’m guessing you didn’t get to finish the movie?”
“No.” I huffed. “And I was really enjoying it, too.”
He grinned, reaching over and wrapping his hand around mine. The drive was quiet, but never once uncomfortable, until we stopped in front of a large white house.
“Where are we anyway?” My voice shook. Something about this gave me a bad feeling.
“It’s my birthday.”
My head whipped back around. “What? Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t have a gift. That’s twice now, I’m like the world’s worst girlfriend…” I groaned and dropped my head into my hands.
He chuckled, grabbing my wrists and freeing my face. “No. You’re a good mother who doesn’t happen to be psychic.”
“Well I’m getting you a real gift this time. It’ll just be late.”
“Fine.”
“But seriously, what’s with the house?” I pointed over my shoulder.
“Before I say anything, promise you won’t freak out.”
I swallowed nervously. “You know a surefire way to get someone to freak out? You make them promise not to.”
Grayson laughed with me, but mine was really more of a nervous chuckle. He was smart and caught on quickly, his expression quickly sobering.
“This is my parents’ place. My family is inside waiting for us.”
“What?” I yelled. I shut my eyes when Andy suddenly woke up and started wailing. I couldn’t reach him because he was facing back, but I tried to gently rock the car seat. “Mommy’s sorry, buddy. Don’t cry.” After he settled down, the silence felt unbearably heavy. I kept my eyes on the top of my son’s head, but I could feel Grayson’s stare on me.
With a sigh, I pulled back and faced forward. The silence continued. Mine because I was counting all the ways this would go wrong, and I assumed Grayson was giving me time to process. I stared at the house again. It looked like the kind of place where kids had the perfect childhood. I knew from Grayson’s past that that wasn’t the case. I knew things weren’t always what they seemed. My house probably looked the same way to people. So I knew that a pretty facade could easily cover the horrors within. But Grayson had told me other stories, stories about how united his family was, how close they were.
“Ellie.” His voice was soft, gentle, coaxing, and his overwhelming concern was apparent in just those two syllables.
“Parents don’t really like me,” I whispered, my gaze still on the house.
Grayson reached over and gently gripped my chin, slowly turning my head toward him. “I’m sorry for not telling you. I wasn’t trying to deceive you. At least not maliciously.” His gaze reverently moved over me. “I’ve seen your confidence grow so much over the past few months. It’s been a beautiful and amazing thing to watch. I wouldn’t be taking you to meet them if I didn’t think you could handle it. The only reason I didn’t tell you about it was so you wouldn’t spend all day worrying.”
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and let his words strengthen me. Naomi had said something similar a few days ago. It was time I started believing in it. I wasn’t being given much of a choice now, but I needed this push.
My eyes fluttered open and I nodded my head. “Okay, thank you.”
“You’ll be fine.” He leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. “Should we make up a code word? In case you want to bail?”
I shook my head. I could do this. I would do this.
We silently got out of the car, Grayson grabbing Andy’s bag while I unbuckled him from his seat. “Should I bring the car seat in?”
“It’s not necessary. My older brother has a two-year-old and with the number of siblings I have, my parents are keeping everything for future grandchildren. I told my mom about him, so I’m sure she has a high chair out.”
Nodding, I shut the door. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a rush of warmth in my chest, knowing they were already trying to accept Andy without even knowing us.
Grayson came up beside me, and I shuddered when his hand fell to the small of my back. “Ready?”
I took a deep breath.
Yes, I was.
“Hi, Ellie.” My mom was smiling wide as she stepped forward and hugged my girlfriend. “It’s so great to finally meet you.” She squeezed before pulling back. “Grayson,” she said, my name rolling off her tongue with disdain. “Hadn’t even told us your name.”
Ellie’s limbs locked. I could read her body language pretty well, but anyone would be able to tell she was nervous about that last statement. The problem was I could never follow her train of thought. Her insecurities messed with her mind and provided no clear, logical path to her worries.
“It’s just like him,” another voice said, drawing our attention to the top of the stairs where my second-eldest sister, who was, at twenty-eight, two years older than me, was walking down. Veronica’s heels slapped against the steps, and I looked over to see Ellie staring at her with stars in her eyes. I could understand her envy. My sister undoubtedly was poised and graceful. Beauty pageants throughout school taught her to be. And her everyday life as a fashion designer in Paris meant she constantly had even more practice.
Ellie had this habit of looking at someone who she thought was complete, and comparing herself. She couldn’t do that. If she were to compare herself to my sister when Veronica was just starting her career, when she was at the crossroads of finding herself, Ellie would see that Veronica went through the same things she did. Fear. Doubt. Insecurities.
It was natural to compare, but we were all at various stages of being complete, and in thousands of different ways. People were far too complex and unique to waste time comparing.
“Hi.” She came to a stop at the bottom and held out her hand. “I’m Veronica.”
“Nice to meet you,” Ellie said as she shook my sister’s hand.
“You too.” Veronica threw a hand toward me. “Grayson always kept his favorite things hidden, like if he showed the world someone might take it from him. His favorite toys, books, clothes, pens. Everything. Once he even tried to hide the new family puppy. Thankfully Dad saw him before he locked Misty in the trunk by the foot of his bed.”
Ellie blushed and the tension in her shoulders melted away, hopefully along with whatever she had been worried about.
“Hey, I was young,” I said as I reached for Ellie, wrapping my arm around her shoulders, careful not to hit Andy’s head. He caught the movement and reached for my fingers, bringing one to his mouth and giggling around it.
“And who’s this handsome devil?” my mom asked as she tickled Andy’s stomach.
“This is my son, Andy.” Ellie spoke with so much pride, and my mother looked close to tearing up. She quickly shook it off and held her hand out to Ellie.
“Dinner’s almost ready. Why don’t you come meet everyone?” She ushered her away from me. Ellie shot me a nervous smile over her shoulder as they left Veronica and me alone in the foyer.
“So that’s her.”
“Yes.”
She grinned, not the least bit put out by my short reply. “Just don’t try to lock her away too. Humans need air and water and…”
I lightly pinched her arm. Veronica laughed as her words faded—words she’d copied from Dad when he sat down with all of us and discussed what having a puppy meant.
“I’m surprised you were able to make it on such short notice. The plane ticket had to be a fortune,” I said.
She smiled and squeezed my arm. “But seeing my little brother happy again? Priceless.”
It was a joke, but I still felt shitty. “I’m sorry for—”
“Hey,” she cut me off. “I get it. Maybe not all of us do, all of the time, but we know your distance was never about not loving us.” She straightened. “That’s the last we’re going to talk about it. It’s your birthday, and our only discussions will be joyous ones. So let’s go, lover boy.”
She weaved her arm through mine and walked us to the kitchen. When we entered my eyes immediately went to Ellie. She looked overwhelmed as my father introduced everyone. It was understandable. There was one husband, one wife, one boyfriend, and five children between my six siblings.
My two nieces who were here at Christmas ran toward me and started talking my ear off about everything and anything.
“Now those two are Brad’s daughters. Brad is Grayson’s older brother. He’s a detective a couple cities away,” I heard my dad say. “Stephanie, that beautiful blonde right over there, is the oldest kid. She’ll always be my baby, even though at the age of thirty-four, she insists she’s not my little girl anymore. She’s a prosecutor in New York. She, her husband, and their three children made a special trip out here since they couldn’t in December. And…” On and on he went. I saw Ellie’s hand twitch against Andy’s back.
Thankfully my mom swooped in and threw her arm over Ellie’s shoulder. “Don’t be intimidated, honey. I still forget who they are.” She looked across my girlfriend and eyed me up and down.
“Which one are you again?”
I narrowed my eyes, but when Ellie started laughing I couldn’t help but smile. An idea suddenly came to me and I stepped away, grabbing a pen and a piece of paper from our junk drawer. When I was finished I walked back over to Ellie.
“Here you go.” I held the sheet out to her. She took it with furrowed brows, and I looked over her shoulder as she read it.
Stephanie (age 34): NYC Prosecutor. Married with two boys and a baby girl.
Brad (age 31): Phoenix Detective. Married with two girls.
Veronica (age 28): Fashion designer in Paris. No significant other.
Steve (age 22): A senior at Carillo University, majoring in finance. Girlfriend (not present).
Anthony (age 21): In the police academy. No significant other.
Mary (age 19): A freshman at Carillo University, major undecided. Boyfriend.
Margaret (age 55): Retired prosecutor.
Jerry (age 57): Retired police chief.
“Does that help?”
Ellie looked back at me, smiling. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Thank you.”
My mother gasped as she looked on. “You never reveal a woman’s age without her permission.” Ellie giggled again, and I didn’t think I’d ever loved my mother more.
“Why don’t you three go relax? I just need to finish a few things.” She squeezed Ellie’s arm before walking to a cabinet. Standing on her tiptoes, she tried to reach for a dish.
“Jerry, would you mind?” she asked, falling back on her heels with a huff.
“‘Course, Mar.” He walked toward her with a smile. Placing a hand on her hip, he reached over her and grabbed the plate. My father handed it off to her before kissing the corner of her mouth.
“Thank you.” She smiled at him and cupped his cheek. Then she moved to the stove and started scooping the mashed potatoes onto the plate. When my dad saw Ellie staring, he walked over and leaned against the counter. She looked up at his tall frame as he bent down toward her and whispered, “I put the dish up high so Margaret has to ask for my help.”
Ellie smiled—thankfully, no one seemed put out by the fact she wasn’t saying much—before my father winked and walked away.
I grabbed Ellie’s hand, pulling her to the dining room so we could have a minute alone before they descended. “How are you? Are you okay?” I immediately asked.
“Yeah. Your family seems really nice, especially your mom.” Her eyes filled with tears right before she looked down at Andy, and I knew she was thinking about her own mother. I reached for her hand, wrapping it in mine and holding it tight.
“She likes you,” I said softly.
“You think?”
“I know.” I wanted to say more but the kids started trickling in, followed by everyone else. Brad helped my parents bring the dishes in while Veronica corralled the children into their seats. My mother was smiling as she pulled a high chair up next to Ellie’s chair.
Andy looked around with wide, curious eyes as she set him down, shaking out her arms from holding him for so long.
Dinner started shortly after, and even though it was my birthday and Ellie was a new person they could interrogate, my entire family could clearly see she preferred to be an observer. They only asked her a few questions, but whenever they were telling stories they made sure to look at her. She laughed along with them, but the first time she interjected on her own, it surprised everyone.
“You don’t talk to me nearly as much as you do everyone else,” Mary complained to me as she shoveled a forkful of broccoli into her mouth.
I rolled my eyes. “Your text messages are half emojis. I have no clue what you’re saying half the time.”
“Hey, I like emojis,” Ellie said with a slap to my arm. It wasn’t until it grew eerily silent that she realized how freely she’d spoken. Her face heated, and my mom quickly turned to her youngest daughter.
“Hopefully that will change now that Grayson has found his better half.”
“It better.” Mary narrowed her eyes in the most unintimidating way possible.
Ellie didn’t say much after that, but she was still included, and after dinner was over she surprised me when she asked my mom if she could help with dishes.
“I’d love that. Thank you, honey.”
“Would you mind watching Andy?”
I nodded, struck mute. Then she reached up and kissed me on the corner of my mouth, pulling away with a shy smile, before darting off after my mother. Lifting Andy up, I brought him into the main room where the other kids were rolling around on the ground. I went to his diaper bag and grabbed my lion. His head had fallen to my shoulder and he was close to passing out, but he still reached for the stuffed animal, shoving it under his chin as I sat in the recliner and rubbed his back, watching the others play.
“You’re good with him,” Stephanie noted.
“I’m trying to be.”
Smiling, she leaned forward and squeezed my knee. “You are. I can tell.”
Resting my head back against the chair, I closed my eyes and gently rocked us until I was in danger of nodding off as well.
“Tuuuuuuurd.”
“Buttmuncher.”
“Nutbob.”
“It’s nut job.”
“Whatever.”
I tried to tune out my two nephews as they stood in front of me. I was succeeding until one of them kicked my shin. A big part of me wanted to scare them, but I couldn’t do that without waking up Andy. Instead, I slowly opened my eyes, all while keeping my lips in a flat line. As I shifted my stare between them, they looked at each other before running away, their own high-pitched laughter following them. Stephanie shook her head with a small smile.
“Boys, what can you do?” she asked with a shrug.
Head tilted down toward Andy, I whispered, “You’ll be so much better than them.”
“And that is what every parent thinks about his or her kid, but just you wait.” She was full-on laughing now. But I didn’t join her—I was too caught up in what she’d said. Did I think of Andy as mine?
Undoubtedly.
The realization was both exhilarating and terrifying. It wasn’t even that I wanted him to be mine, but he truly felt like mine. If Ellie wanted nothing more to do with me—and as God awful as it’d be to lose just her—I would lose him too. It was a strange feeling, for someone to feel like they belonged to you even though they didn’t.
“Excuse me,” I mumbled, carrying Andy toward the kitchen where my mom and Ellie should be nearly done. I stopped right before I rounded the corner when I heard my mother’s soft voice.
“What worries you, Ellie?” she asked. I imagined my girlfriend biting her lip, struggling with revealing something so personal to a virtual stranger.
“I can’t change the world and make everyone else accept him, can I?” She sounded dejected, her voice getting softer, and I had to shuffle closer to the wall so I could continue to listen.
“No, you can’t. And as a parent, nothing hurts like not being able to shield your child from the world’s ugliness. But experiencing that is also a part of life. It’s unavoidable. You did. Grayson did. And unfortunately Andy will, too.” I held him tighter, as if I could reject her words, before peeking around the corner. I watched my mom gently grab Ellie’s shoulders.
“The problem is you’ve both been waiting for other people, whether it’s society or your family, to tell you it’s okay to be who you are. And maybe you’re looking for that validation from people you know will never give it to you, because you feel you’re not enough. You don’t want to be accepted.”
My brows furrowed as Ellie frowned and said, “That makes no sense.”
“Exactly,” she said with a patient smile, letting go of her shoulders. Ellie’s gaze went to the ground as she worried her bottom lip, thinking over my mom’s words. She went still and as if she felt me standing there, her head slowly turned my way.
Our eyes met and I froze, hoping she wouldn’t be mad at me. I’d purposefully eavesdropped, there was no other explanation for it, and I wasn’t going to insult her by offering her one.
Thankfully she smiled and walked toward me. “Hey, there.”
“Hi. You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Your mom’s given me a lot to think about.”
“She usually does,” I said with a grin. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw my mom walking toward us as she dried her hands on a dishrag. When her movement slowed, I looked toward her and found her eyes on Andy.
“Is that…?” She trailed off as she pointed to the lion, half of its ear in his mouth.
“Yeah, it is,” Ellie said. “It’s his favorite toy.”
My mom had tears in her eyes, but she quickly shook her head. “Look at me, getting all emotional. Are you ready for dessert?”
Looking at the clock, I saw it was just shy of nine. “Actually, could we get it to go? I don’t want to keep waking him up,” I said as I stroked his head.
Ellie straightened and her eyes nervously shifted between us. “We can stay. I don’t want to ruin—”
I cut her off by resting one of my fingers against her lips. “You ruin nothing, Ellie.” Her lips tightened beneath my finger.
“I’d actually be grateful if you took him off my hands,” my mom said.
“Thanks.” My tone was dry, but somehow it made both women smile wider.
Just then one of Stephanie’s sons came running in, screaming. His brother was close behind, chasing him with a stuffed toy in his hand. “ARGGGG. I’m gonna get you.”
My gaze moved to Ellie, waiting for her to recognize the toy she gave me almost eight months ago. Her wide eyes flew to mine as they zipped by her and ran back into the family room.
“Was that…?”
“The mouse you knitted? Yep.”
She chuckled, her eyes growing wet, and shook her head. “What the heck?”
“I told you I was going to give it to them. I shipped it to Stephanie months ago.”
“You made that?” my mom asked excitedly. Ellie’s confused eyes shifted between us.
“I did, but… I messed it up. It was worthless.”
“Nonsense. My grandsons love it. They call it The Demon.” We all chuckled as the noises in the other room got louder. My mother’s expression grew somber. “Nothing’s useless, Ellie. It’s just not in its rightful place.” She squeezed Ellie’s shoulders. “That goes for people, too.”
My girlfriend swallowed roughly as she nodded. “I’m starting to see that.”
“Now, let me wrap up the dessert so you guys can go.” She shuffled toward the fridge. “Grayson has a bit of a sweet tooth. He rarely allows himself to indulge, but red velvet with cream cheese frosting is his favorite.”
Ellie tried to keep up with my mom’s rapid change in topics. “Oh. I had one at Christmas. They were delicious.”
“Thank you.” My mother beamed.
I smiled as my family’s laughter rang from the other room. Andy was in my arms, and I pulled Ellie into my side.
It was the best birthday I’d ever had.
Later that night, after Andy was in bed, Ellie and I were sitting on my couch. The birthday presents from my family were on the table in front of us, untouched. They knew how awkward I felt opening gifts in front of other people so I always unwrapped them alone.
This year I was going to open them with Ellie. A lot of things had changed this birthday.
Ellie had haphazardly stuck the candle through the frosting and when she lit it, I found I didn’t even care that it was lopsided. Then, for the first time in years, I made a wish.
Please let me keep them.
We were finishing off one of the four cupcakes my mom had given us, when my eyes moved to the clock, seeing it was a few minutes past midnight. Turning back to Ellie, I grabbed her hand and laced our fingers.
“We’ve known each other for exactly one year.”
Her eyes widened. “Really?”
“Yes. We met today, March 7.”
“You remember the day we met?” she asked, disbelief coloring her tone. Not like she thought I was lying, but she was still adjusting to the idea that she could be the center of someone’s universe.
Nodding, I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “But in the spirit of full disclosure, since it was the day after my birthday it wasn’t too hard to remember.”
She shuffled closer, her smile not dimming, as she ate the last of the cake. A bit of frosting was left behind on her lip. Without a word, I leaned forward and swiped my tongue until it was gone.
“What did you do last year? If you weren’t talking to them?” she asked once our lips separated. My eyes ran over her face, wondering if I should tell her the truth. I didn’t consider long—I’d always tell her the truth.
“I worked.” Looking toward the counter in the kitchen, I nodded my head and said, “And then I sat there and ate my cupcake. Alone.”
Ellie’s hand cupped my cheek, turning my head back to her. She was frowning with tears in her eyes. I grabbed her wrist and kissed her palm.
“Don’t feel sorry for me. If anything that should show you just how much of an impact you’ve had on my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I pulled her to me as her tears fell. Then I kissed her, running my tongue over every inch of her mouth, tasting red velvet and a sweetness that only came from Ellie. Her salty tears ran between our lips, but they merely heightened my happiness because I knew they came from overwhelming love. After a few minutes, she leaned back with a goofy grin on her face. “Let’s go to bed.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her back for one more kiss.
It was a simple kiss. No tongue, just one soft sweep of my lips against hers.
It wasn’t the kind of kiss that should have my blood boiling. It shouldn’t make me lose my mind or instantly crave more. But that was exactly what it did.
I later realized it wasn’t the kiss itself. It could have been just her breath hitting my lips, no contact at all, and I’d constantly be craving more.
It was Ellie. And I’d always want more.