I FELL ASLEEP NEXT to the rocking chair, my back against the wall and my head tilted down. My limbs protested movement when I tried to stretch them out. Looking around, I found I was alone.
After I’d apologized to Ellie, I’d stayed and we’d talked for a little bit. At some point it had turned into a comfortable silence. We both were content to just watch her rocking Andy. I must have fallen asleep.
I slowly made my way downstairs and into the kitchen where Damien and Naomi were.
“Morning,” I said.
“Hey, Grayson. Are you staying for breakfast?” Naomi asked, glancing over her shoulder as she finished washing her hands.
“As long as it’s not my pureed balls on the menu.”
She laughed, and I thought I heard a faint chuckle from Damien’s direction too.
“I’m making a little bit of everything. Ellie didn’t eat much last night, so I want her to have her pick,” her brother said, throwing a pointed glare in my direction. He turned to fully face me and crossed his arms. “Do you want to know what she ate?”
“Damien,” his girlfriend hissed, shooting him a warning glare.
“What?” I asked. I didn’t want my feelings considered. If anything I wanted to feel as shitty as possible, because that was how I’d made Ellie feel.
Damien ignored Naomi’s warning and said, “A granola bar. She ate a fucking granola bar for dinner while she sat outside for an hour waiting on you.”
“What the hell?” Naomi smacked his arm. “I thought the punch last night and stupid head nods covered everything.”
“Nope. That covered him getting through the door to see Ellie. I have free rein on making him feel like shit until the end of time.”
It was working. I stared down at my hands as they continued arguing. But I didn’t really see them—I saw Ellie. I imagined what she must have looked like when she’d first stepped outside… excited. And probably so fucking beautiful it would’ve taken my breath away. What she looked like after ten minutes… nervous. Twenty minutes… confused. Thirty minutes… devastated.
And yeah, Damien could have free rein. I deserved it.
It was a wound I hadn’t meant to open, a wound I’d never wanted to open. But pain was pain. Damage was damage. And intention didn’t really matter.
I was still having a hard time believing I’d forgotten. It didn’t seem possible. More often than not lately she consumed my thoughts. Even silly and mundane things made me think of her.
I’d hear a joke and imagine her laugh.
I’d see a stuffed animal and think about where I could buy one for her son.
I’d go to a new restaurant and wonder if Ellie would enjoy the food.
But when I was at work I tried to keep all my focus there. My family had admonished me for being “married to the job” a couple years ago. I hadn’t taken it seriously. In fact, I was proud of it. I thought that kind of dedication should be lauded, not worried over. Maybe all along they’d known I was eventually going to pull away from them.
I understood their concern now. In fact, ever since I’d started seeing Ellie with Damien and Naomi, I wondered why I’d let myself drift so far from my family in the first place.
“Enough, no free rein. That was the last time you mention it. Give him a break, Day. He’s already suffered.”
I looked back up when he asked, “How?”
“A, you punched him. B, you just told him what happened so you don’t need to rehash it, and C, and this is the big one, he missed out on seeing how hot Ellie looked. That last one is punishment enough.”
Damien grumbled something I didn’t catch, but when he looked over at me and nodded, I figured it was his way of—begrudgingly—forgiving me. If only I could absolve myself as easily.
“Where’s Ellie?” I asked right as loud banging came from the living room. I hadn’t even checked in there when I came down.
Naomi smiled. “She’s playing with Andy. I think I’ll go join them.”
Once she left the room Damien spoke again. “You were supposed to make her life easier, to help her.”
Okay, so maybe he doesn’t forgive me…
“And it seems you’re just bringing her more pain,” he continued. “I didn’t ask you to look out for her so you could—”
“What?”
We both turned to find a horrified Ellie standing in the doorway with a dirty bowl in her hand. Damien stopped what he was doing and moved toward her. “Ells—”
“No.” She quickly took a step back. “W-what are you two t-talking about?” Ellie stuttered, her eyes quickly shifting between her brother and me.
“Nothing, I—”
“You asked Grayson to look out for me?” She turned to me, confused and hurt.
Damien stepped forward, forcing Ellie’s eyes back his way. “This isn’t his fault. I only wanted to help you. I asked him to watch over you. I thought having him around would be a good idea in case you relapsed or needed extra help. We weren’t trying to deceive you and Grayson never—”
“Stop,” Ellie whispered. She teared up and shook her head. Damien’s eyes flew to mine, and I could clearly see the panic in them.
“You really think I was so desperate for friends I wanted you to make someone feel sorry for me in order to get one?” she asked. “That I wanted a friendship built on a lie?”
He looked stricken and I felt sick.
“That wasn’t it at all—” he started as I said, “It wasn’t a lie.”
“Then what was it?” she snapped. Ellie swung her head my way, and my knees nearly buckled at the sight of her pain. “I never thought someone would willingly come back to me over and over again like you did. I never thought someone like you would even notice someone like me.” She gave me a watery smile. Her gaze roamed around my face as if she was seeing it for the first and last time. “So I don’t know why I’m surprised. But I am, I really thought…” Ellie glanced away in embarrassment.
I didn’t understand. Damien had told me Ellie might be upset, but I’d never imagined this. I didn’t understand this.
“It wasn’t a lie, Ellie,” I repeated, my voice sounding hoarse.
“Do you remember how we met?” she asked. I nodded. Every single moment was embedded into my brain. “You really believe you would have looked at a pregnant screwup trying to get herself clean and thought, ‘Hey, that’s someone I want to get to know and spend time with’?” She shook her head. “You wouldn’t have.”
“He—” Damien tried to interject on my behalf, but Andy started wailing.
“I have to check on Andy.”
And with that, she turned around and left.
I felt nauseous and lightheaded as I walked back into the living room. Blindly setting down the dish I had been taking to the kitchen, I looked over at Andy and saw that Naomi had calmed him down.
“What’s wrong?” she whispered.
Shaking my head, I asked, “Did you know?”
Her brows pulled down into a deep V. “Know what?”
“That Damien asked Grayson to be friends with me?”
Saying it out loud hurt more than I expected. I was seeing everything differently. Was there actually a time I’d thought he’d wanted more?
I thought back to last night and felt even more foolish. Of course he’d stood me up. I wasn’t a priority. I was a responsibility, a checkmark on his to-do list. Just like every other person in my life.
“No… I had no idea, Ellie.” Naomi appeared horrified when she looked toward the kitchen.
“Ellie?”
I froze at the sound of Grayson’s voice behind me. Naomi walked forward and handed Andy to me. My eyes widened, silently begging her not to leave me.
“I need to talk to Damien,” she whispered. Her gaze moved to Grayson, and whatever she saw had her eyebrows furrowing. “And you probably need to talk to him.”
I didn’t turn around as I listened to her walk away. In fact, I moved farther into the living room, away from Grayson.
“Ellie, there’s nothing fake about us,” Grayson began. His voice was soft and I heard him growing closer. “Yes, our relationship started with Damien asking for my help. But that had nothing to do with anything else. I didn’t feel sorry for you or stay friends with you because of your brother. I care about you.” It was hard not to react when his voice broke on the last word.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. Damien wanted to, he thought I should. I genuinely didn’t understand why it would matter. I didn’t think you’d be so upset…” He trailed off, choking on his words. Grayson grabbed my hand and squeezed, my back still to him and the other arm holding my son. “I would never do anything if I knew it would make you anything other than happy.”
I swallowed roughly. “I told you things. I opened up to you and the whole time you knew? You knew I’d had a drinking problem? That I didn’t know who Andy’s father was? That my parents didn’t want me? All of it?” I whispered.
His hold on my hand tightened and he said, “Yes.”
I turned around, forcing him to drop it. “Do you know how hard those things were to tell you? How stupid I feel to know you knew the whole time?”
“Ellie.” His eyes quickly filled with tears. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. Between last night and this morning, I’m just really fucking sorry.” Grayson looked down and shifted on his feet. His next words were so low I almost missed them. “You’re my best friend, Ellie.”
Maybe it made me stupid, but I believed him. He was my best friend too, and I knew he didn’t have it in him to lie. If anything he could be painfully honest.
“I need some time.” The words were soft and gentle. He nodded and lifted his head. I watched his hand disappear into his pocket before he took out a bright green post-it note. It was probably from the stack Naomi kept in the kitchen for her schoolwork.
He handed it to me. There was only one word on it.
Still.
My brows furrowed as I held it up. “I don’t understand.”
“My mom leaves them for me, letting me know I’m still loved. Mostly she did it if we were fighting. She could never quite pinpoint how I was actually feeling. Now it’s more of a reminder, just because.” Grayson shrugged and stared down at the note.
“I’m sorry for a lot of things, more than I thought I’d be. None of it changes how I feel… or where I want this relationship to go.” His Adam’s apple bobbed and my eyes widened. Our conversation was taking a turn I hadn’t expected. Actually, the past twenty-fours felt like a whirlwind of emotions.
“I understand you need time. But please remember I still care and you’re still wanted.” His eyes held mine, and he wavered like he was trying to make a decision. After a couple seconds his expression turned resolute as he leaned forward and gently kissed my forehead.
“Please think about everything I said,” he whispered. He waited for my nod, and before I knew it, before I was ready, he was gone.
I thought about it. For the next two and a half weeks I did nothing but think about it. Thanksgiving came and went, and other than a quick Happy Thanksgiving! text message, Grayson and I hadn’t spoken.
It sucked.
At first I couldn’t figure out who I was more upset with: Damien or Grayson. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was mostly mad at myself. I was mad that my brother had no other choice but to reach out to Grayson. I needed to own up to who I was.
I was struggling back then, I needed help, and Grayson was someone I was thankful for every single day. And even if he did take notice because of my brother, at some point he must have decided I was worth knowing. Grayson wanted to be my friend. I was done letting the negative side of my brain and all the ghosts from my past tell me otherwise.
The only problem was I didn’t know how to approach him. I felt silly for getting so upset, for lashing out at two people who were only trying to help me.
Trying to shake off the worrisome thoughts, I finished dressing Andy. He was fresh out of the bath because Damien, Naomi, and I were getting ready to take him Christmas-tree shopping. My brother was grumpy when I suggested it, saying we had a ton of other boxes we could start unpacking, and that we didn’t need one so soon. He wasn’t wrong.
Since I was still unemployed—aside from helping Naomi with her Etsy shop—I’d been taking on the responsibility of getting the house situated. It was easy to forget how much stuff we had. After living in a small apartment, I guess we’d assumed we didn’t have much. But between our belongings and Naomi’s, we had plenty to unpack. And I wasn’t even halfway done. Having a four-month-old wasn’t exactly conducive to productivity.
I walked downstairs, Andy in tow, to find Naomi on the couch, bent over and pulling her shoes on. The stroller was near the coffee table, so I put my son inside while we waited for my brother.
“C’mon, Damien!” Naomi shouted toward the direction of their room. He and Naomi had the master bedroom on the ground level. My room and Andy’s nursery were on the second floor.
She’d just looked up from lacing her boots when Damien walked out of their bedroom, acting sheepish. Well, as sheepish as a giant, tattooed, and bearded man could.
“Claire called.” He held up his phone. Naomi groaned and I frowned down at Andy, who was giggling and clapping. He had no clue what was happening, but he was clearly excited for the adventure waiting for him beyond the door. Except Naomi and I knew what that call meant. Claire was his boss at the tattoo shop, and she wouldn’t be bothering him unless she needed him to cover for someone. And she hated to do it. My brother was still working hard. Monday through Saturday he spent nine hours in her shop, and on Friday and Saturday night he was a bouncer at the club. Sundays were his only days off.
The plan had been for him to reduce his hours once Andy was born, but he decided to continue until December. Naomi was still getting acclimated to law school so she wasn’t free much anyway.
“The new guy flaked again, and Claire has a lady coming in for a large piece on her back.” Damien shrugged. “I’m sorry. I’d only have to run in for a few hours. We can go when I get back?” He may not have been receptive to Christmas-tree shopping initially, but once he saw how excited Naomi and I were, he did a complete one-eighty.
His girlfriend stood up from the couch and walked his way. “It’s okay, Day.” She stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek. “We can handle it without you.”
My eyebrows shot up and I looked down at my arms, hidden underneath my bulky, baby blue parka, complete with a white faux fur hood. I may not have been able to see them, but I didn’t need to. I knew they were stick skinny. And although I had gotten more muscle from the months of carrying Andy, I was a long ways away from being able to lift and load a freaking tree.
Damien chuckled, staring between the two of us, before finally landing on his girlfriend. “Sure, sweetheart.” The sarcasm in his voice was heavy.
“You don’t think we can?” she challenged, taking a step back and crossing her arms.
“That was the implication, yes. Aren’t lawyers supposed to be good at deducing?” He smirked, and if glares could kill, I’d be an only child right now.
“Time out.” I stepped forward, forming a T with my hands. “Naomi, we can’t buy a tree without him. And D, it’s already one o’clock. The place closes early on Sundays.”
“Oh.” He frowned and rubbed the back of his neck. Thankfully Naomi took pity on him. They were joking around, but she knew how much Damien hated letting us down.
“It’s not a big deal. If Claire needs help, she needs help.” She lifted her shoulders and motioned to me. “We understand. We can go next weekend.”
My brother looked at me and I nodded. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, someone knocked.
They started talking and I moved to answer the door. I swung it open and froze.
Grayson.
The noise behind me stopped.
“Hey,” I said softly, suddenly feeling self-conscious about my parka that made me look like I was going out to walk with penguins and not stroll around on a gorgeous Arizona winter day. Because no, I didn’t need something this thick. But our winters were so short we had to squeeze all the cute and comfy clothes into two or three months.
“Hello.” He glanced over my shoulder and nodded to Damien and Naomi before bringing his eyes back to mine.
“Do you want to come in?” I asked, stepping back and opening the door wider. Grayson looked me over. Then he shifted his gaze to Andy.
“Were you leaving?” he asked with a frown.
“No,” I blurted out, scared he’d leave. “We were… uhh…” I stared back at Naomi for help.
“Getting ready to leave.” My jaw dropped. She threw me under the bus and shrugged, like, What the hell was I gonna say?
Turning back to him, I said, “The plans have been cancelled. So do you—?”
“Actually,” Naomi interjected. The mischief in her voice made me nervous. My head pivoted her way as she continued talking. “Damien has to head into work and I’m not feeling very well all of a sudden. Maybe you could go with her?”
“You don’t feel good?” my brother asked, his brows dipping in concern as he looked her over. With wide eyes, she shot him an are you stupid? look and discreetly shook her head.
It didn’t matter. When I turned to face Grayson he wasn’t paying attention to them. He was too busy frowning down at me. “Go where? Are you okay? Is Andy—?”
“We’re fine,” I quickly cut him off. He seemed anxious. “I promise,” I added softly.
“They’re perfect!” Naomi came up beside me and flung her arm around my shoulders. “We were going Christmas-tree shopping.”
“Oh.” His tense shoulders relaxed. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“You’re not. Like I said, this is actually perfect. Damien and I can’t go, but we really need a tree.” Naomi forced a pout and I almost rolled my eyes. Then my gaze caught on Grayson, who appeared hopeful but unsure.
“I don’t think I’d be able to lift it on my own.” I pretended to flex my muscles, even if the action was lost in my puffy jacket. “Would you mind?”
Grayson smiled. “I’d like that.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but Naomi beat me to it. “Excellent!” She rolled Andy forward. “Have fun.”
I looked down at him and frowned. His hair was still a bit wet. I pulled out a hat and fit it on his head. “He’ll get a cold if his hair’s wet.”
“You don’t catch colds that way. It’s a myth,” Naomi said, grinning down at him.
“Oh.” I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth before pulling the hat down further on Andy’s head. “Well, just in case.”
Without a word, Grayson grabbed Andy’s bag by the front door and walked down the driveway toward his car.
Not a single word was spoken on our way to the tree lot. The radio was off, and Andy was surprisingly quiet for most of the ride.
It was the most uncomfortable I’d ever been around Grayson.
When we finally pulled into a parking spot, I practically jumped from the car. He made a normal exit and shot me a frown over the roof. I ducked and pretended to be too busy with Andy’s car seat to notice. He was giggling as I unbuckled him.
“Hi, baby.”
More unintelligible noise exploded from him. I lifted him and met Grayson by the trunk, where he’d taken out and unfolded Andy’s stroller.
“Hey,” Grayson said softly, grabbing my elbow. I looked into his eyes, noting the unease. “I didn’t mean to show up out of the blue. I had gotten in my car and before I knew where I was planning to go, I was at your house.”
Warmth exploded in my chest at his words, and I held Andy to me tighter. “It’s okay. I’m glad you did.”
“Yeah?” His eyes lit up.
“I’ve missed you,” I admitted. His distress dissolved and was replaced with relief as he let out a breath.
“Me too. God. I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been walking around in a constant state of feeling like I was forgetting something. Did I turn the stove off? Did I fill out the correct paperwork at work? I finally figured out it was you I was missing.”
Pure joy swept through me until I remembered the reason we’d been missing each other. “I’m sor—”
“No,” he immediately cut me off. “Please don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. You had every right to be upset.” Grayson must have sensed I was about to say more because he kept going. “If you want to talk about how I fucked up, or you want to demand I crawl around on my knees all afternoon to prove how sorry I am, then by all means yes, let’s continue this conversation. But if you don’t, I’d really like to forget the last couple weeks ever happened. I just want to enjoy today with you and Andy.”
“I want that too,” I said with a grin.
He smiled and stepped back, allowing me to put Andy down. We started walking and I noticed his hands fidgeting by his side. I’d come to realize that Grayson was the kind of person who wanted to be useful.
“Hey, would you mind pushing Andy for me?”
With an eager nod, Grayson took the handles and we started through the lot. It seemed we couldn’t get more than ten feet without someone stopping us so they could look at Andy. He was cute, I totally got it, but I drew the line at random strangers reaching in and petting him like a dog.
“Why do people believe babies are communal property?” I grumbled as the latest woman walked away. “They’re not. Andy’s not. He’s mine.”
“I don’t think he minds,” Grayson commented.
It was true. My son loved people. So much so that when the last person left, Andy started kicking his legs, and I knew what was coming. In three, two, one…
“WAHHHH!!”
I cringed against the sound and looked at Grayson. “He hasn’t been loving his car seat or stroller lately, and when people are around it’s even worse. I might have to hold him for a bit.” I’d moved only a few inches when I felt Grayson’s hand on my arm.
“Can I?” he asked quietly. “I missed him, too.”
With a lump in my throat, I nodded and stepped back. I watched Grayson unbuckle Andy before carefully lifting him up and into his arms.
My laughter filled the lot when Grayson stuck his tongue out with wide eyes. Andy quieted instantly, almost unsure. But when Grayson made another funny face, my son lost it. He giggled and kept reaching for Grayson’s jacket.
“You love attention, don’t you?” Grayson asked. Andy started slapping him on the cheek. I winced every time. But Grayson didn’t seem to mind. He made a few more funny faces that Andy tried to copy before we started moving deeper into the tree lot.
We walked around for close to an hour—Andy in Grayson’s arms the whole time—before we found a tree. It wasn’t huge like some I’d seen. It couldn’t have been a foot or two taller than my five-six frame. Grayson was strapping it to the roof of his car when I asked him if he’d gotten his yet.
“I usually don’t get one,” he said. He finished tying the last bit down and turned to face me. “There doesn’t seem much point with only me there.”
I frowned. I knew he wasn’t super close to his family, but I guess I’d never thought about what that entailed. “You could put one up for yourself.”
Grayson smiled, dropping his hand to my back and walking me to the passenger side door. Andy was already in his car seat, completely passed out. “I’ll consider it.”
I grabbed his hand as it settled over the handle. “Consider more than that. I know I don’t know everything. I know that something about seeing your family makes you sad, but maybe you should try to reach out.
“I love Damien. He’s an amazing brother and an even better person. But he was the only family I had. I’d have given anything for two parents who loved me and a handful of siblings who would stand behind me, no matter what.”
Feeling a little embarrassed by my sudden declaration, I removed my hand from his and stepped back so he could open the door.
I knew he missed his family. He didn’t have to say it. And after getting to know the wonderful man he was, I could only imagine how much they missed him.