HAVING A BABY WAS undoubtedly stressful. It seemed like Andy could hurt himself everywhere. I was constantly wondering if he would choke on a new toy or if he could be allergic to something. The worry that he might smother himself in his sleep had minimized, but it was still there.
And don’t even get me started on the soft spot…
Needless to say, I saw problems all the time.
Damien was concerned about how lax I’d been with my AA meetings, but I’d still been talking to Joy. She helped a lot. And it didn’t matter what time it was, if I needed to talk, she was there. If I needed her to stop by, she came over. That assuaged some of his fears. But now that the move and holidays were behind us, I needed more of a routine.
Staring down, I got lost in a beautiful pair of chocolate brown eyes. “You’re sure you’ll be okay?” I asked my brother, not taking my gaze off Andy’s. It was still difficult to leave him.
“We’ll be fine.” I could practically hear his eyes roll. Nodding, I finally looked away and made my way out of his nursery. I jogged down the stairs, throwing out a goodbye to Naomi before dashing out of the house.
“Later!” she hollered from the couch.
I arrived at the church fifteen minutes later. Despite my nervousness about being away from Andy, I was also excited to see some of the members. Even though we didn’t talk outside of group, they had become my friends. I hadn’t seen them since before Christmas.
I pulled on the door to the cafeteria and stepped through, my eyes immediately falling to the circle of chairs in the middle of the room. Joy jumped up with a squeal and ran toward me.
“You came!” she shouted, drawing everyone’s attention our way as she wrapped me up in a tight hug.
“Ooof. I just saw you a couple days ago.” I laughed as I returned her embrace.
A few others joined us while some people I didn’t recognize looked on in curiosity.
“Let’s see some pictures,” one of the older women said. Every time I came, they wanted new pictures. I couldn’t blame them. With a smile, I eagerly dug some out and passed them around.
“This one was taken on Christmas.” I pointed to the one in my hand as I turned it around for everyone to see. It was Andy sitting by Grayson’s tiny Christmas tree. It was a rare moment, a handful of seconds in which he’d stopped trying to unravel the lights or stick a branch in his mouth. You couldn’t see it in the picture, but I was lurking just outside the frame, stopping him from doing any of that.
“He’s beautiful, Ellie.”
I smiled. “He is. I’m still so relieved. I think part of me was expecting he’d come out with horns or something. It seems too good to be true that none of the alcohol touched him.”
Even months later, I felt this way. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was almost two months along. That was two months of partying. Eight weeks of drinking. I didn’t discuss it much, but I had been wracked with guilt and paranoia as I waited to see how my mistakes would affect him.
Premature labor.
Brain damage.
Heart defects.
There was no limit to the number of things that could have gone wrong. And somehow Andy was perfect. I didn’t deserve it, but I certainly wasn’t complaining.
I showed them a few more pictures before they dispersed, sensing it was almost time to start the meeting.
As we headed to our seats, I grabbed Joy’s arm. “I almost forgot. We’re finally having a housewarming party tonight. Now that it looks habitable, Naomi wants to show it off.”
“Oh. Uh… I can’t, actually.”
She avoided looking at me as she dug around in her purse. I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you being so shifty?”
Joy immediately dropped the act. “I have a date with Carter.”
“What?!” I yelled. Several heads turned our way, including Carter’s. He was still on the other side of the room talking to another guy. Even from here, I could see his blush, like he knew we were talking about him.
“Yeah. He just walked right up to me at the last meeting, no preamble, and asked me out. Almost like he was afraid if he didn’t do it quick, he wouldn’t get it out.” She shrugged. “It was kinda cute.”
I grinned. “Only kinda?”
Rolling her eyes, she plopped into her seat while I took mine. “Fine. It was really adorable.” Joy definitely loved awkward guys.
“What happened to your worries about him not confiding in you?” I asked, suddenly a little worried. Knowing how much my shared confidences with Grayson had helped in the last few months, I understood her concerns. I didn’t want her to get hurt.
“They’re still there. But I can’t let the fear of something that might happen rule my life. I’d drive myself crazy.”
I was silent as I thought about that. It felt like I’d been doing that for my entire life. But lately I was learning to let go of some of those fears, wasn’t I?
“It’s like what you’re doing with Grayson,” Joy interrupted my inner thoughts. “And I’m so proud of you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. I looked over to see her eyes bright with emotion.
“You have scars, just like everyone else, but you’re no longer looking at them and only seeing the pain. You know they’ve shaped you and that you can’t forget what happened, and you’re working through it. Ever since you started talking to Grayson, I’ve noticed the change. And right now, I’m aspiring to be more like you.”
She was smiling when she turned to the front as someone started talking. I was stunned into silence, still staring at her profile.
I didn’t think anyone had ever aspired to be like me in their life. Why would they?
But there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Joy was being one hundred percent genuine. I looked away as tears flooded my vision and a small smile spread across my face.
I’d always thought that befriending the right people would solve all my problems. But even with Grayson, Joy, and Naomi now in my life, I still faltered. So maybe it wasn’t about finding people to keep me from going over the edge, or even about having people who would catch me when I fell. Maybe the right people were the ones who were simply there. Day after day, struggle after struggle, helping me stand and fight again.
“You did what?” I screeched.
“He said he didn’t mind.” Damien spoke like it was no big deal, like telling me that Andy and I were spending the night with Grayson wasn’t a humungous deal. If he wasn’t rocking my six-month-old son in his arms, I would’ve punched him. Hard.
“But… you can’t… you can’t just…”
He threw me an easy grin. “Ellie, relax. He looked thrilled to be honest.”
“Yeah, who wouldn’t be thrilled with having an infant for the night? Damien, you—” I was cut off by the doorbell.
“You should go get that. It’s probably him,” my brother helpfully filled in.
I glared at him before stomping out of the room. There may have even been a growl.
But the second I cleared the door, any trace of annoyance fell away as I realized what my real problem was. I wasn’t mad, far from it. I was excited that Damien was about to propose to Naomi, which was the reason he wanted the house to himself later tonight. I’d had no idea that the housewarming downstairs was doubling as an engagement party.
And I was happy for him, for both of them. They deserved this.
My real problem was that I was terrified.
Grayson and I had only just started dating and I’d never spent a night alone with a guy, at least not when I was conscious. I cringed at the thought. I’d be horrified if I ever discovered all the things I did when I was drinking.
Laughter rose from the family room as I quickly made my way downstairs. My heart felt lodged in my throat, even as butterflies swarmed my stomach.
I paused at the bottom of the stairs, staring straight into the window next to the front door, which confirmed Grayson was on the other side. He looked good. Really good.
Swallowing roughly, I let my gaze leisurely travel over him. His hair was swept back from his forehead like he’d just run his hand through it, and he was wearing a navy-blue knit sweater and khaki pants. Nothing particularly special or out of the ordinary, and yet for some reason it had me flushing.
Probably because I knew I’d be sleeping in the same house as him tonight. Shaking my head, I lifted my gaze and found him staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I took a deep breath and walked forward to pull open the door.
“Hi.” I threw in a little wave while my other hand had a painfully tight grip on the door.
“Hey.” He smiled, his eyes dipping to my outfit. “You’re wearing a dress.”
I didn’t wear them often, but… “You seemed to like it on our date.”
Grayson looked amused. My face heated as I looked down at my strapless mint-green dress that fell just below my knees. With my bare feet, it was a casual look.
A moment later I felt his finger on my chin before he lifted my gaze to his. His eyes were soft on mine, that small smile still touching his lips. “You look beautiful, Ellie.”
Loud laughter rose up behind me, and Grayson’s gaze traveled over my shoulder. When he noticed all the people, his hands started fidgeting right before he stuffed them in his pockets.
“Grayson!” Naomi yelled, skipping over to us. “You made it.” She threw her arms around him in a friendly hug. I cringed a little as jealousy sat hard and ugly in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t that I thought Naomi liked him or that he liked her back. I was jealous of how free Naomi was, how she could just throw her arms around him like it was no big deal.
That’s probably because it isn’t…
And yet I was second-guessing myself with every step I took, wondering if I was coming across as clingy. But guys liked confidence like Naomi’s, didn’t they?
I felt slightly vindicated when I saw him cringing and awkwardly patting her on the back. But even if he didn’t want me to be like her, in the moment I did. I wanted to be the one to so freely wrap my arms around him, to melt into his embrace, to not have to worry about what was considered an acceptable amount of time to hug him.
When she pulled back, her gaze flickered between us. “Well, I just wanted to say hello. I’ll leave you in Ellie’s capable hands.” She turned away, but not before winking at me.
I loved her. But I also wanted to kill her. That was probably the truest indication she was family.
Damien came down a few minutes later, and the two of us followed him into the family room. My eyes fell to Derek and Sam, who were sitting on the couch. It was the first time she’d come home since she’d left six months ago. I knew it wasn’t for the engagement, but I also had no idea what it was for. Derek didn’t seem to care either way. Every chance he got, he was around her.
Grayson and I had somehow ended up separated, talking to different people. But our eyes constantly went back to one another.
I turned away from talking to Naomi’s mother when I heard Damien asking Naomi to grab Andy. I knew this was the moment. My brother had bought a custom onesie and was using my son as part of the proposal.
“Hey there, little fella.” Naomi lifted him up and brought him to her hip. “Woah, you’re getting heavy, little man.” Andy giggled while she pretended to struggle with holding him up. “You are—”
Naomi froze when she finally saw it. I quickly took Andy from her and showed the rest of the room while Naomi focused on Damien. The onesie was sky blue and had the words Will you be my Auntie? written in white across the chest. There was even a diamond ring hanging off the e in Auntie.
Everyone quieted as my brother walked to Naomi and got down on one knee. He cleared his throat before beginning.
“I tried, for days, to think of an eloquent way to ask you to be with me for the rest of my life. Because you deserve that. You deserve something more than a simple will you marry me? So I racked my brain, trying to figure out how to give you the best of me. How to take the best thing I’ve got and give it to you. But then I realized, you’re the best thing about me. You are. It’s like, I don’t even know how I existed before I met you. It sounds so cheesy, but it’s the truth. And even though my feelings aren’t simple, what I want is. I want to marry you, have children with you, and grow old with you. I’ve known since the beginning that you were going to be one of the most important parts of my life, and I don’t want to waste a single second without the rest of the world knowing it, too. I love you, Naomi.” Damien pulled his hands away and reached into his pocket, pulling out and opening the black velvet box.
“Sweetheart, will you marry me?”
I was crying when Naomi knelt to the ground in front of him. She ran her hands through his hair before saying the one word we all knew was coming, “Yes.”
We all clapped and cheered as they kissed. I looked down when Andy started laughing. They eventually broke apart and everyone moved in to congratulate them, but I hung back. Suddenly I felt eyes on me and when I looked to my left, sure enough, Grayson was staring at me. I swallowed roughly at the heated, yet tender, look in his eyes.
Our eyes were still locked when Damien came over and grabbed Andy so they could take pictures. I felt more than saw Grayson walk over to me, and when he finally stopped in front of me I was hardly breathing.
“Do you want something to drink?” I asked. We still hadn’t touched, and something about that put me on edge and had me shifting on my feet.
After a curt nod, we walked toward the empty kitchen. He seemed a bit more distant than when he’d first arrived. We’d seen each other a few times since our first date almost two weeks ago; could he really be sick of me so soon? I remained silent though, swallowing down my insecurities.
I was leaning against the counter and watching him grab a soda out of the fridge. Grayson cracked it open and took a sip, eyeing me over the can as he rested his hip against the opposite counter.
The silence grew thick, but he didn’t seem to mind. I could have sworn I saw his lips twitch, like he was fighting off a smile. After I couldn’t take any more, I said the first thing that came to mind. Naturally, it was embarrassing.
“So… I hear we’re sleeping together tonight.” My eyes immediately widened, and if I could kick myself in the face, I was pretty sure I would. “T-that came out wrong. Not sleeping sleeping together, just… we’re having a sleepover?” The utter mortification I felt tripled as a wide grin spread across his face.
Kill me now.
“Calling it a sleepover sounds a bit like the two of us are twelve-year-old girls planning to braid our hair and have a pillow fight.” He continued to grin, but I couldn’t fully enjoy it as my face flamed red. His smile melted into something softer as he took pity on me. “If you’re referring to the fact that you and Andy are staying over at my place tonight so your brother and Naomi can have some privacy, you would be correct.”
I looked around the kitchen, Naomi’s eccentric decorations causing a smile to pull at my lips. When I turned back to him, I grimaced. “I’m sorry Damien put you in that position. I don’t know what he was thinking. He can’t be okay with this…” I mused.
Weren’t older brothers supposed to lock you in a tower and keep you away from other guys?
Almost as if he read my mind, Grayson said, “It’s not like your brother thinks you’re a virgin.”
I started coughing, but he seemed completely unaffected. Jeez.
I knew he wasn’t calling me a slut, but his words made me feel dirty, especially knowing that he was a virgin. And they shouldn’t have. Nothing related to Andy should. But the way he was conceived, the fact that I didn’t even know who his father was, never failed to make me feel ashamed.
I cleared my throat, my eyes aimed at the ground as I tried not to let my emotions get the best of me. But as I quickly excused myself and walked down the hall toward the bathroom, I knew I’d failed.
“Ellie—” He’d reached out as I passed, but I managed to dodge him.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I mumbled.
My back hit the door as soon as it shut, the light still off, the moon shining through the window above the shower. I hated feeling so unstable around him. I hated having flashes of insecurity that pulled me into the past when all I wanted was to sprint into the future.
I thought back to my AA meeting this morning, to Joy’s words, and to a part of the Serenity Prayer that we said at every meeting.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.
I couldn’t change what I’d done. I couldn’t change all the insults my mother threw at me.
I could start looking at those mistakes differently. I could see how far I’d come instead of how far I’d fallen. I could hear my mother’s words for what they really were: the insecurities of a woman who’d probably never felt like she was enough.
It wasn’t easy. It might never be. And I would probably have to remind myself of these things over and over again, but for right now, they were helping.
I could breathe a little easier.
I could fight a little harder.
I stared at the hallway, expecting her to come right back. When she didn’t, I found Naomi and told her about the conversation, asking her if she thought Ellie was okay.
“I’m sure she’s fine.” But it didn’t sound like she believed it either.
Feeling frustrated, I said, “I was joking. I don’t understand…” I hated being so flustered, but I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong. Before Naomi could say anything, though, Andy started crying and she went over to soothe him.
My hands twitched at my side as I kept myself from pacing. When I first arrived, I was almost knocked on my ass with how beautiful Ellie looked.
During the proposal I’d kept my eyes on her the entire time. When Damien asked if she could spend the night, I nearly came out of my skin. He knew we were dating, and Damien was slowly getting back to being cordial with me, but I was still surprised. I was also surprised that Ellie thought I’d see it as a burden. Despite all our progress, I was slowly seeing that her insecurities wouldn’t be cured overnight. That was okay; I was willing to work on it. But in moments like this, where she disappeared and I didn’t know what was wrong, I had no clue what I should do.
It felt like years had passed before she returned. I quickly stepped forward and gently grabbed her shoulders.
“Hey, sorry. I—”
“Are you okay?” I asked, my eyes roaming over her face. Swallowing roughly, she nodded. Her face was a little red, but other than that there was no indication she’d ever been upset.
I never wanted to think of her as only an alcoholic, but I couldn’t help but worry every time she seemed stressed. My concern always had me wondering if something was tipping her toward that temptation. I meant every word I’d said on our date, but just as her fears wouldn’t go away overnight, neither would mine. My mind still spun with scenarios in which I could lose someone.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, noting my worry.
Not wanting to tell her my thoughts, I said, “Parties aren’t really my thing.” It wasn’t an exact lie. I much preferred one or two people to a dozen.
She frowned. “You didn’t have to come if you’re uncomfortable. Damien would’ve understood.”
I stared down at her. “I didn’t come for Damien.”
Before she could say anything, Naomi came running over. With a huge grin, she shoved her hand under Ellie’s face again. We both started laughing as Ellie slapped it away. I knew it wasn’t the ring itself. She probably could’ve had a giant Fruit Loop around her finger and been just as happy.
Damien came up behind her and wrapped his arms her midsection, resting his chin on her shoulder.
“Sweetheart, you’re scaring people.”
“Oh hush.” Naomi swatted him.
The evening continued in much the same way: Naomi flitting around to people, bursting with joy, and Damien trying to tame her. As the housewarming was winding down, I noticed Ellie was missing. Checking to see that someone had Andy—Naomi’s mother—I quietly slipped upstairs and found Ellie in his nursery.
“It’s okay. We’re okay. Everything is okay,” she was whispering as she started shoving Andy’s things into one of his diaper bags. I could hear anxiety in her soft words and frowned. The door creaked when I shoved it open. Ellie jumped and whirled around.
“Crap. You scared me.” Her hand was over her rapidly moving chest.
“Are you all right?”
She paled a bit before turning back to the bag. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“If you aren’t comfortable staying overnight, I can pay for a hotel.” The words were hard to get out. I wanted her and Andy to stay over. More than that, I didn’t want them to be alone somewhere else. But I couldn’t justify forcing her to stay at my house. Her being uncomfortable was also unacceptable. I would have to check into the hotel too. If possible in the room next to—
“It’s not that.” I snapped out of my thoughts to find her facing me again, slumped back against the changing table. She straightened as I walked toward her, placing my hands on her hips and pulling her to me.
Letting out a breath of relief, I realized it was the first time I’d held her tonight. She melted too, making me think she’d felt the same discontentment that we hadn’t touched earlier. I certainly hoped so, because I wasn’t planning on letting it happen again.
“I’ve never… God, this is gonna sound so stupid,” she muttered, her face thudding against my chest. I chuckled, my hand moving to the back of her head. I threaded my fingers through her hair and massaged her scalp.
“Eyes, Ells,” I whispered, feeling her smile. Sure enough, when she looked up it was there.
Some of the tension returned as she admitted, “I’ve never slept with anyone before.”
“Me neither. But I’m sure two smart people such as ourselves could figure it out.” I grinned. Her body relaxed as I leaned down and sealed my lips over hers. My hands squeezed her waist as her fingers skated up my arms before diving into my hair. She tugged, and I instinctively pressed my body into hers.
Her soft lips moved leisurely over mine, when all I wanted was to devour her. She tasted like mint and chocolate from the dessert earlier in the night, and I was ready for a second serving. Tilting my head, I took the kiss deeper. Ellie moaned into my mouth when our tongues touched, her hips instinctively pushing into me. I dropped one hand to her bare thigh, trailing my fingers along her soft, smooth skin and under her dress. Lifting her leg, I directed it around my waist and ground into her.
She broke from the kiss and dropped her head back. Her hands flew to my shoulders, her nails digging in, as I moved my lips to the column of her throat. “Grayson,” she whimpered, and my cock twitched in response.
Fuck, she felt good.
I squeezed her leg tighter and her dress rose a little higher. Shuffling back and looking down, I saw she was exposed. Her light purple panties had a damp spot on them. I tried to swallow, but something felt lodged in my throat. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ellie’s chest heaving.
When I looked up, she was already staring at me. Without taking my eyes off her, I removed my hand from her hip and slowly let my palm slide down her abdomen. Her eyes flared as she waited for my next move. Ellie bit her lip when my fingers descended, lightly brushing over her. I added a little more pressure, grazing her clit through her underwear. Her eyes were begging me for relief, her hips seeking more from me.
This was dangerous. The door was still halfway open. Naomi and Damien were downstairs with a few partygoers and Andy.
I leaned forward and nipped her chin, all while making small circles on her clit. She whimpered when I slowed down and removed my hand. I gently unwrapped her leg from around my waist and stepped back. Her eyes that had fallen shut flew open.
“What are you doing?” she croaked, her hands hanging limp by her sides.
“We don’t have to do anything tonight. Not if you’re uncomfortable. You can even sleep in a different room,” I teased. There was no way she’d be sleeping in another room.
She narrowed her eyes, like I’d planned to get her worked up. I hadn’t. Truthfully I’d just gotten lost in her, but a small part of me was relishing the way she squirmed.
“Ellie.” My next words were tender. “I only want to sleep next to you.”
That wasn’t the truth. I couldn’t wait to get back to my place and finish what we’d started, but if she didn’t want that, I had a fully functional hand and a shower. It’d be a piss-poor substitute, but I’d make do. My biological needs weren’t nearly as important as her comfort.
Her eyes softened. The arousal was still there, but I could tell my words affected her. “I want that too,” she whispered.
“Good. I’ll see you downstairs.” I grinned and backed up. If I wanted to leave this house still a virgin, I had to get away from her right the fuck now. Shit, I could still feel her arousal on my fingers. I’d just made it out the door when Ellie called my name. I turned to face her. “Yeah?”
She slowly walked toward the door, stopping just shy of touching me. Standing up on her tiptoes, she whispered in my ear, “But before we go to sleep, you’re gonna finish what you started.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck.
I listened to her fall back on her heels and I opened my eyes. Her bottom lip was imprisoned between her teeth, begging me to release it and claim it as my own.
She looked like she was waiting for an answer, so I cleared my throat and managed to say, “Okay.” I was surprised she recognized what I said considering how hoarse my voice was.
With a nod, she turned around and went back to packing, like she didn’t leave me standing here with a massive hard-on.
Looks like I wouldn’t be heading downstairs right away after all…