Nixon
I was tortured. It’d been two days since I last saw Charlie and I couldn’t get her out of my head.
But I needed to.
Or I needed to break up with Shayna.
I closed my eyes, nausea rolling through me as I drove the streets, taking the longest way home that I could.
When I was with Charlie—kissing her, reliving the past—it was so easy to dream again. To imagine this perfect existence.
But it wouldn’t be perfect.
I’d have to hurt Shayna and my family in order to get it.
I’d have to break hearts and then risk having my own broken all over again.
What if Charlie left me without a word?
She was impulsive and spontaneous. Backing out of the June wedding? She’d done that on the fly. But knowing her, she’d go through with leaving LA.
Because she was Charlie.
Unpredictable Charlie Watson.
A wisp on a breeze.
Mom always said she wasn’t right for me. I’d fought so hard to prove her wrong, but then Charlie had done exactly what Mom said she would.
And so had Shayna. She’d been loyal, trustworthy and loving.
My parents wanted me to marry a gorgeous, reliable person who would give me a good, stable life. They wanted that because they loved me. They’d helped me get it.
Was I willing to just throw that all away because I felt like it?
That didn’t make sense.
Love was a choice.
So, which woman did I choose to love for the rest of my life?
When I first got back to LA, I was flying high, ready to end things with Shayna and start fresh with Charlie. But then reality hit—consequences, doubts, uncertainty, fear.
My mind was telling me one thing loud and clear. I knew what the right choice was, but I didn’t know if I had the courage to let go of the other.
Would Charlie haunt me forever?
I signaled left and turned down a street, not realizing until I was halfway down that I was driving past Charlie’s house. I slammed on the brakes and just sat in the middle of the road, staring up at her door.
My fingers gripped the wheel so tightly my knuckles turned white.
“What do you want from this moment, man? Are you knocking on her door to say…what? Fucking what!” I thumped the wheel and pulled into a parking space down the street when I noticed a beat-up VW Beetle coming down the road behind me.
Agitation made my fingers jitter. I tapped them on the wheel and stared out the windshield. My jaw kept clenching and unclenching while a new song started on the radio.
I didn’t even register the music until the beat kicked in. Finger clicks grabbed my attention and I stared down at the radio. “11 Blocks” by Wrabel. I knew the song, not word perfect, but enough to know the gist. Some poor loser still stuck on a girl, struggling to let her go when he had a perfectly amazing woman waiting for him at home.
With a heavy sigh, I leaned back against my seat and forced my brain to function logically.
When Charlie first left me, I’d fallen into this morose melancholy funk. Listening to sad-ass music all the time, speaking in mumbles and grunts. She stole me, turned me back into the boy who’d lost his beloved older sister.
So I threw myself into studies…and then I met Shayna.
Shayna pulled me out of my shell and took the edge off. She made it better…and she stuck around.
Surely she was the right choice.
Logic figured it all out for me, but this wave of resistance kept pounding my heart.
I thought I’d given up Charlie. I thought I’d set myself free of her, but I was right back where I started. Because in reality she still owned a piece of me.
“Make up your fucking mind, man! Or just get out of here!” I glanced over my shoulder as I reached for my keys, and froze.
Charlie was standing at the bottom of her steps, staring across the street…at me.
I couldn’t just take off. I’d never deny I was coward, but that really was going too far.
With a heavy sigh, I shunted the door open with my shoulder and walked across the road.
Charlie tensed and took a step back, creating a bigger gap between us.
“Hey.” I greeted her with a feeble wave.
Her nostrils flared. The bag of groceries in her hand made a crinkling sound as she gripped the bottom corner.
“I have to assume you’re not here for the reasons I want you to be, so you should just say your goodbyes and go.” Her eyes flashed with anger. “Your fiancée is no doubt wondering where you are.”
I scratched my chin and let out a cynical huff. “She’s not even my fiancée yet. It’s not official.”
“Well, you should probably do something about that, because I think she’s pretty set on planning your June wedding!” She huffed, her fingers trembling as she rubbed her forehead and looked away from me. “You made me think it wasn’t that serious, but…you’re getting married!”
“I…” I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut, already hating the conversation.
“What do you want, Nix? Huh? What? Why are you here?” she shouted.
“Hey, don’t yell at me,” I snapped. “This is your fault!”
“Mine?” Her eyebrows dipped together.
“You left me. You left without even the courtesy of an explanation and expected me to what? Just wait around on the off-chance you might change your mind and come back? You obviously didn’t love me enough to stay in the first place, and the last four years didn’t inspire you to track me down! Of course I was going to move on!”
Her face blanched white like I’d just slapped her or something. But I was on a roll so I kept going, finally spewing out all the angst I’d been carrying for far too long.
“You know, I held off making a move on you for two years because I was petrified I’d lose my best friend if I did. But then we went camping that summer and you made me believe. You fooled me into thinking we could have something amazing. And I will never understand why you did that. Why? Why did you do that to me? And why, when I’m around you, do you make it so fucking easy to forget that you did that to me?”
My voice quavered like I was about to cry. It made me pathetic and un-manly, but what did I really have to lose? A big chunk of my heart was finally breaking off. It’d been teetering on the edge for years anyway, rotting and festering. But finally saying it out loud like that… The chunk fell away, splashing into the ocean of pain I’d been living with ever since she took off to Montana.
Tears lined her lashes, sparking that torturous doubt that confused me. Why was she crying? Why did she keep acting like she cared?
“You thought I fooled you?” she whispered.
“Well, I don’t know what else to think.” I threw my arms wide. “I thought we were in love and you just left.” My voice hitched and I looked to the ground, cupping the back of my head.
Dammit. I was not going to fucking cry!
My eyes burned as I listened to the sound of Charlie placing her groceries on the step and walking down to stand beside me.
She placed her hand on top of mine and pressed her forehead into my cheek.
I should have moved away but I couldn’t. Especially when she started talking in that trembling whisper.
“I…I wasn’t right for you, Nix. I would have held you back. And I knew if I tried to tell you that to your face, I wouldn’t have had the courage. My selfishness would’ve won. I had to leave the way I did or I wouldn’t have been able to. You deserved so much better than me. I just wanted you to be happy.”
My face buckled with confusion. It took me a moment to process what she was saying. When I pulled back and stared down at her, tears were trailing down her cheeks. I had to fight the urge to brush them away.
“You left to make me happy?” I touched my chest.
“I definitely didn’t leave to make me happy. I’ve missed you every day.” She sniffed and swiped at her tears. “My life will never be as great as it was then.”
“I don’t—” Pinching the bridge of my nose, I huffed again. My brain was going to explode in a second. Her logic was unreasonable. She left to make me happy? Was she insane?
“How would you leaving me make my life better? How would that make me happy!” My shout rose to an uncharacteristic roar.
She flinched and took a small step away from me. “I wasn’t good enough for you. I’m too wild and unpredictable. Your parents—” She pressed her lips together and looked to the ground.
“What? My parents what?”
She sighed and bunched her hair at the nape of her neck. “They didn’t want us together. We both knew that. It would’ve been too hard. With the whole Reagan thing, I didn’t want to cause a rift or destroy family ties. They need you. They love you, and you deserve… You shouldn’t have to fight. I would’ve disrupted everything. You’re too smart and talented to end up with the likes of me. I would have led you astray and…and ruined your life!”
What the hell was she saying?
Did she think…?
I shook my head, confusion making my frown deep and painful. “You thought you were doing me a favor?”
Her expression buckled as a fresh set of tears lined her lashes. “They’re the only family you have. I couldn’t drive a wedge between you. They're your blood.”
“And you were my heart.” I closed the gap between us, grabbing her face and pressing my forehead against hers. “You were my heart.”