Nixon
“Everything I Didn’t Say” was playing on the radio as I drove back to my apartment near UCLA. I couldn’t help questioning myself the closer I got to home. Had I said everything I should have to Charlie?
She still hadn’t told me why she’d left in the first place, yet I was getting ready to dump the person who’d been loyal to me from the moment I met her.
It was a hard pill to swallow, and I seriously didn’t know what to do with it.
Being with Charlie was magical. It always had been.
Then when she wasn’t there reality hit again, and I was struggling to reenter it.
I was about to end the life I’d known for the last couple of years. It’d been a good life.
Not a magical one.
But a reliable one.
Biting my lips together, I slammed the wheel and tried to figure out what the hell I really wanted.
Charlie.
She always made me happy.
But being with her was also confusing—unchecked joy married with huge amounts of self-doubt that she’d get bored with me or spontaneously fly away on a breeze. I never wanted to be responsible for holding her back, which meant I had to let go of my own fears. My life had always been stable, certain. Being with Charlie meant I couldn’t rely on that safety anymore. Would I ever find the courage to let go and truly be with her?
It would mean defying my parents—people I’d spent my life trying to please. I didn’t want to hurt them. Not after everything they’d been through with losing Reagan.
Me being with Shayna made them so happy.
And she was a good woman.
I cared about her. I loved her.
She didn’t set me free the way Charlie always did, but she was safe and trustworthy…and she deserved my loyalty. We’d been together for two years. I couldn’t just turn my back on that because I felt like it.
Commitment meant something, and I couldn’t hurt her.
But Charlie—somehow it always came back to her.
With a sad sigh, I parked outside our apartment and leaned my forehead against the wheel. For some weird reason I thought about snow.
My life had been turned upside down because of that random spring snowstorm. Thousands of tiny flakes, harmless on their own, but en masse they could shut down an airport…and change a life.
Leaning back, I gazed up at the house. Dread settled in my belly as I thought about what awaited me inside. Tears and heartbreak. I’d be the cause of it.
Exhaustion pulled at me, reminding me of how little sleep I’d had, how unprepared I was for any kind of argument or tears.
Charlie told me to take my time. She understood how hard it would be for me.
I still had one day of spring break left. Maybe in the morning, I’d have the energy and resilience to do what I needed to.
Poor Shayna.
I hadn’t really admitted to Charlie how serious things were between us. She didn’t know we were living together. All I’d said was that I had a girlfriend. There were so many different degrees within that relationship.
Guilt munched on my insides as I slithered out of the car. My feet were concrete bricks as I climbed the front steps. I could hear giggling from inside and took a moment to steel myself before opening the door.
“Nixon!” My name was shouted in unison when I stepped into the living-dining area.
Shayna, Harper, Mimi, and my mother were sitting around our small dining table, lunch food spread between them.
“You’re home early!” Shayna squealed and jumped up from the chair. Her arms were tight around my neck, her body familiar against mine. I gave her a squeeze before letting her go. “I was hoping you’d be back in time.”
“You look exhausted,” Mom said.
I looked over Shayna’s shoulder and struggled to find my voice. “Mom.”
She looked so happy, hanging out with Shayna and the girls. She’d been practically euphoric since Shayna and I started dating. She’d been the one to introduce us, to encourage me to ask out the stunning blonde. She was the cupid in our relationship, and her wings would fall right off if she knew what I was planning on doing.
She was genuinely happy these days, unhindered by the cloud of Reagan’s death. Her son was doing well and she was flourishing in my success. All the good things that were happening to me meant the world to her.
Guilt added a few extra pounds onto my shoulders.
Dumping Shayna, hurting her so I could be with the girl Mom never wanted me with…it would steal her smile in a heartbeat. Could I really do that to her?
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” I croaked.
“Well, Shayna invited me over.” She giggled. “Your father’s away and I figured I’d keep her company since you were taking so long to get back.” Her motherly expression softened even more. “You look like you need some sleep.”
Shayna let me go but snuggled into my side. I lightly squeezed her shoulder as she nestled her forehead into the crook of my neck. I kissed the top of her head without even thinking about it. “Yeah, I kind of drove through the night.”
“Aw, to get back to your girl.” Harper placed her hand on her heart, and all I could do was offer up a tight smile.
My girlfriend squeezed me around the middle.
“Shayna said you drove back with an old school friend?” Mom’s eyebrows dipped and fear clutched my belly. “Who was it?”
I glanced down at Shayna, not sure what to say. I couldn’t do it now. I couldn’t break her heart in front of her friends. Sure, they’d be there to comfort her, but I wasn’t quite brave enough to put myself in the line of fire.
Besides, Mom would be torn apart.
I had to be really careful how I played this.
“Um…” I licked my lips and decided to lie. Not a full-blown one, just a little whitey. “Chuck.”
Mom’s eyes bulged. “Chuck, as in Charlie?”
“No. Chuck, as in a guy in my statistics class. I don’t think you knew him.” I scratched my eyebrow while I spoke, avoiding eye contact.
“Oh.” Mom relaxed with a smile. “I thought you meant…” Her gaze drifted to Shayna, then flicked to mine.
“Nope.” I shook my head and then forced a smile when Shayna looked up at me. “Anyway, I need to get some sleep before I fall over.”
“Good idea.” Shayna grinned. “I need you awake for tomorrow.”
My forehead crinkled with a frown. “Tomorrow?”
“Yes.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “I thought you wouldn’t be back, but now you are and we can go together.”
“To where?” I glanced at Mimi and Mom when they started laughing—a triumphant kind of snicker that made me nervous.
Shayna’s tongue skimmed the side of her mouth, her eyes sparkling. “I’m going to surprise you.”
“Oh, Nixon doesn’t like surprises,” Mom singsonged.
“Well, it’s good for him to experience some.” Shayna giggled and planted a kiss on my cheek. Mom tipped her head with an adoring smile.
“Don’t worry, you’re going to love it.” She winked and sent me on my way with a pat to my cheek. “Sleep well, baby.”
I lifted my bag and shuffled out of the room, my insides a churning wreck.
Mom’s face when I said Chuck. Shit, I thought she was going to pass out.
And Shayna…wanting to surprise me with something I’d love.
Whatever she had planned for tomorrow had her pumped, and I couldn’t just break up with her on the cusp of that. I’d have to get through the day and then find the right moment to gently ease out of the relationship.
It felt weird.
We’d planned to go to New York together. I was her ticket there. She’d be gutted. And I hated the idea of causing her pain.
Plus, the ramifications of dumping her would have a flow-on effect that would last a lot longer than a short, painful breakup speech.
Maybe I shouldn’t do it.
Maybe this whole road trip with Charlie had just been a surreal dream and I had to snap the hell out of it.
But…
“Chix,” I whispered, flopping onto my bed and picturing blue hair dancing on the breeze.