Nixon
I drove to my parents’ house in agitated silence. My fingers tapped the wheel as I sped around a corner and onto the next road.
Part of me was still livid that Dad had ‘intervened’ and ruined my chances with Charlie. But another part was scared to tell them that I’d finally found my balls and was ready to fight for the girl I’d wanted all along.
They were going to go apeshit.
And their apeshit was scarier than my wrath. I knew that already.
Shit, everyone was going to go crazy when they heard what I’d done.
I dumped Shayna.
From the outside, me walking away from that gorgeous, lovable girl was certifiably insane.
And maybe I was a little crazy.
But I’d go out of mind if I entered the life everyone was planning for me.
If I didn’t break free, I’d spend the rest of my pathetic years wondering.
The back of my mind warned me that I could be making a massive mistake. But something in my chest told me to keep fighting.
I braked and punched in the gate code. The gate ground open and I zoomed in the second it was wide enough. My nerves pulsated like a freaking strobe light as I pulled up beside the house.
Shutting off the engine, I gripped the wheel for a minute, clenching my jaw and willing my anger not to fade. I needed it to get me through.
A slice of fear sizzled through me, the impending battle nearly making me back out.
“Stop being so fucking pathetic,” I whispered as I hitched my jeans and walked to the door.
Twenty-two years old and still afraid to defy my parents. It was ridiculous.
Thoughts of Reagan tortured me when I reached the door.
“Leave me alone,” I gritted between clenched teeth.
It wasn’t fair. I couldn’t live on a guilt trip anymore.
My shoes echoed on the polished floor as I walked into the house. “Hey, Mom and Dad. It’s me,” I called into the cavernous entrance.
Memories of the first time I’d brought Charlie over suddenly assaulted me. She’d looked so small in the big entrance, her vibrant color slightly dimmed by the austere surroundings. Then my mother had walked in, adding another shade of gray as she so eloquently demeaned my precious friend. Charlie had been wearing bright red shoes, yellow shorts and a shirt that looked like a paint pallet had thrown up on it. I loved that shirt.
Mom? Not so much.
She’d cast her eyes down Charlie’s body like the girl had mental problems.
The woman had never understood the unique rainbow that Charlie was. It’d always been lost on her.
Charlie had stood up to my mother’s cold reception with her spunky flair, but the politely veiled insults had obviously eaten at her more than she let on.
My shoulders tensed with anger. I still couldn’t stomach the fact that Charlie had been cornered by my dad, no doubt fed a nasty diatribe about how unworthy she was, and then believed it.
She’d believed it.
The thought made me sick.
I should have gone after her. I should have driven to Montana and begged her to reconsider, convinced her that we could overcome the odds together.
“Nixon.” Mom’s delighted greeting was punctured by her heels on the floor. Even on a Friday evening in, she was still dressed up like she was going out. The woman was all class and elegance. She felt most comfortable when she looked great, and probably didn’t even understand the beauty of sweatpants or the awesomeness of ripped jeans and a sloppy, oversized T-shirt.
“What are you doing here?” She smiled. “Are you all set for graduation?”
“Yeah. My robe’s in the car.”
“Wonderful. I can’t wait.” She kissed my cheek and gave me a hug. “My amazing boy. I’m so proud. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
My smile was tight as I gazed down at her.
“So, what can we do for you? Or are you just here to visit?” Her eyes were dancing, bright with hope and expectation. First my engagement, then my acceptance to Columbia. The next day I’d be graduating, and then I was getting married and moving to New York to eventually become a high-flying lawyer. My mother was going for the triple win—everything she wanted.
Shit. She’ll take losing the wedding hard.
But I couldn’t keep up the facade anymore.
And maybe she deserved a little hurt after everything she’d inflicted on me. Scheming behind my back. Manipulating me.
Anger made my jaw clench.
Oblivious, Mom flicked her hand and led me into the library. A glass of malt whiskey was next to Dad’s red armchair while a bulbous glass of merlot was beside the couch next to Mom’s open book.
“I don’t know where your father’s disappeared to, but I’m sure he’ll be back in a second.”
Tucking her skirt beneath her legs, she sat down on the couch and crossed her ankles before smiling up at me.
“Can I get you a drink, sweetheart?”
“No, I’m good.” Sliding my hands into my pockets, I gazed down at the cream rug and fought a wave of nausea.
“Well, take a seat. Tell me about your day.”
I had to get it over with. Pressing my lips together, I counted to three and then blurted, “Shayna and I broke up.”
My voice was quiet but the words still exploded into the room, shocking the hell out of my mother.
She blinked, then laughed and shook her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you correctly because you just said you and Shayna broke up, and that can’t be right.”
“Why? Because it doesn’t fit into your plan for me?” I looked her in the eye, my tone sharp and defiant.
Her head jerked back like I’d just slapped her. “Where is this coming from?”
“I’m sorry, Mom, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m my own man. I officially resign from beneath your care…and manipulation.”
My words were spiky and hard, but she acted like they were balls of cotton wool.
Running her finger down her sleek hairline, she fought for control with a polite smile, then brushed her hand through the air. “It’s okay, we can sort this out. Let me call Shayna’s mother. We’ll get you two together, have some mediation. It’ll be fine. Let me get my phone.” Standing tall, she brushed past me and out the door just as Dad stepped into the room.
He grinned at me, his eyes lighting the way they always did. “Hey, son.”
I ignored him and called into the hallway. “I don’t want you to sort it out, Mom.”
“Yes you do, honey. It’ll be okay.”
“No! Get back in here!” I shouted.
Dad’s frown was sharp, distorting his long handsome face. “What are you thinking talking to your mother that way? What’s going on?”
I sighed and admitted in a heavy voice, “I broke up with Shayna.”
“You broke it off?” Mom stormed back into the room. “Are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? You have a gorgeous woman who is perfect for you and you dump her just before the wedding?”
“I did have a woman who was perfect for me, and you drove her away!”
Mom and Dad both gaped at me like I’d gone crazy.
Then the lightbulb came on.
Mom’s eyes popped wide and then she let out an aggravated groan. “Oh, good grief! Please do not say this is about Charlie Watson! She broke your heart, Nixon. How can you still be hung up on that girl?”
“She didn’t want to break up with me,” I retorted.
Mom’s face flickered with confusion as I pointed a finger at Dad. “You went and saw her, telling her she was going to ruin my life and destroy the family. You said she wasn’t good enough for me. And she believed it! She walked away because she thought she was doing me a favor.”
“She was!” Dad’s voice reverberated throughout the room. “That girl spelled nothing but disaster for you. She was an airy-fairy dreamer who was leading you astray. I did what was necessary to protect you!”
“What?” Mom touched his arm, clearly oblivious to my father’s manipulation. “You never told me this.”
“It’s what you wanted, Gloria. You were distraught after Nixon told us their travel plans, petrified that we were going to lose him. I had to do something. I couldn’t see you suffer that way again.” Dad’s voice cracked.
My eyebrows dipped together, Dad’s wretched expression trying to tug at my sympathy, but I still couldn’t move past the fact that he’d interfered. “What did you say to Charlie? Did you threaten her?”
He looked to the floor like he’d just been busted. Mom blinked at me, still trying to process what was going on.
“You scared her off.” My voice was low and brittle. “You made up some bullshit story, weaving the perfect lies to drive her away from me!”
Dad smoothed a hand over his hair and patted the back of his head. “It wasn’t all lies. Your plans were going to pull the family apart. I told her what you both needed to understand, what you weren’t willing to hear!”
“What did you say, huh? What threat was the clincher?” My voice was deep with rage.
Dad closed his eyes, then shook his head like I was being a pain in the ass for asking. “I just laid out what your future might look like. You were young and immature, your plans barely thought through. You would have faced so many battles. It would have been too hard, so she left.”
“Because you told her to!”
“I didn’t tell her she had to go. She made that choice when she said she couldn’t look you in the eye and break it off. Come on, son, she was smart enough to know you two were a lost cause. You were the only one who didn’t get it.”
“Until Shayna.” Mom implored me with a look that could have broken the strongest man. But I’d seen it too many times before. I’d given into it…to my own detriment.
Enough was enough.
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I fought for air as a new kind of rage brewed inside me. It was a thunderstorm, and I fed off its power.
Letting out a frustrated yell, I pointed at my parents and went for it. “You convinced me that she was too wild and that’s why she left! You made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of her!”
“We never!” Mom’s voice pitched high. “Honey, she left without saying goodbye. That was her choice. And I may not have known what your father did, but…” She glanced at Dad. “He said those things to her because he loves us. And she did leave without a word, which hurt you incredibly. She could have handled that so much better.”
“Don’t you dare!” I pointed at Mom. “Don’t you dare judge her when Dad was the one who crossed the line! We could have talked about it! We could have found a compromise, but you drove her away from me and then lied about it!” My voice boomed inside the room, the vein in my forehead no doubt bulging.
Mom blinked, her hand trembling as she covered her mouth.
“We just wanted to protect you.” Dad spoke calmly, ever the smooth and cool lawyer. “You’re so…important to us, and she had this hold on you. We were scared to lose you. We so want you to have a good life.”
“Yeah, a good life,” I spat. “One where I’m happy. And you stole that from me. I know you never really liked Charlie. She scared you. You just thought of her as a threat. But you never got it. You never saw how she brought me to life. After Reagan died, she was the first person to make me feel joy again. I was genuinely happy whenever I was with her. How could you take that from me?”
Mom and Dad didn’t answer right away, so I kept going.
“You go on and on about wanting me to have a safe, secure life.” I threw my arms up. “I could be whoever I wanted around her and she was going to love me anyway. That was the kind of security I had in her. The only security you’ve offered me is financial. That’s worthless if this is how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life!” I slapped my chest as I spoke. “I am unhappy! I am living a life I don’t want, to try and please all you people!”
The raw honesty in my voice shocked them both.
Mom’s hand fluttered over her chest as she tried to find her voice.
“How…how can you not be happy?” She trembled. “You have everything you need. We’ve given you everything!”
“Except love without expectation.” I leaned forward, begging her to understand. “Do you have any idea how exhausting it is? I have tried so hard to make you guys proud. To make up for the pain of losing your daughter.”
“And you have.” Dad went to squeeze my shoulder but I jerked away from him.
“I don’t need your pride anymore. I want your acceptance…and your love. But I need to choose my own life, and I need that to be okay with you.”
Mom’s mouth opened like she wanted to speak, but nothing came out.
Dad’s wounded expression made my heart sink.
Closing my eyes, I let out a soft sigh and shook my head. “It’s not going to be, is it?”
The only sound in the room was the ticking clock on the mantel. It had never sounded so frickin’ loud.
My jaw worked to the side as I shook my head and let out a heavy sigh.
“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but it’s time for me to do what I should have done years ago. I’ve strived my whole life to be the perfect son, but I can’t carry that responsibility anymore. I want Charlie. I love her. She’s the only girl I’m meant to be with. Now I don’t give a shit if you want me to or not, but I’m finding that girl and I’m telling her exactly how I feel. And I will frickin’ drop to my knees and beg if I have to, until she understands how much I never wanted to let her go.”
“What about graduation?” Mom whispered. “You’re still going to do that, right? And Columbia? Your future?”
I frowned at her, pissed off yet not surprised that she was of course worrying about fucking law school and not my tattered heart.
Dad’s pained expression deepened. “Please, please don’t give up this opportunity. You’ve worked so hard. Get your qualifications and then go wherever the hell you need to. Heck, take Charlie to New York with you if that helps. Please, son. Please don’t throw this opportunity away.”
I cringed, yet again feeling that pressure and struggling to stand up against it.
I didn’t love the idea of law school, but if Charlie came with me…
If Dad was saying they’d accept that…
At the end of the day she was all I wanted. If I could convince her to join me, then I could do it. And maybe I’d have a chance of keeping both parties happy.
Maybe I could make this work.
With a heavy sigh, I gave them both a stern glare. “If she agrees to come with me, then you will treat her like a queen, you understand me? You will accept the fact that we love each other and you will do nothing to break us apart again. Are we agreed?”
Dad’s expression was hard, but he relented with a stiff nod.
Mom was still staring at the floor, shock turning her face a stark white.
“Look, I’m sorry about the wedding, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t find the courage to do this earlier. I should never have let it get this far.”
“Is Shayna okay?”
“I hope she will be.” My chest hurt. I hated that she had become a victim of this fight.
Mom sniffed delicately and tried for a smile. “She’s a strong woman. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
“I know it’s awkward, but divorce would be worse. If you’d just let me follow my heart in the first place, all of this could have been avoided.”
She closed her eyes like she was going to throw up and pressed her hand into her stomach.
I wanted to apologize for letting them down, but I just couldn’t form the words.
They’d let me down.
If anyone had a right to be pissed off, it was me.
Unable to keep looking at their forlorn faces, I made a beeline for my old room. I had no place else to go.
I took the stairs two at a time and shut myself away. I’d hoped to feel liberated by my outburst, but the heavy weight still sat inside me, a painful reminder that this was a bleak day for my family. The joy Mom and Dad had so desperately been waiting for was covered with another gray cloud. It was partly their doing. But it was also mine.