Nixon
I wanted to shut her up with intelligent rhetoric. Put her in her place with excuses about how striving for constant happiness would only lead to a restless heart. But all I could do was sit there and stare at her.
I am going to make the worst fucking lawyer in the world.
I hated myself in that moment.
She deserved to be lashed with the truth. I wanted her to hurt for how much she’d hurt me. But I couldn’t.
Because she was Charlie, and I’d always love her.
The thought of hurting her made me sick, which was why I’d forced myself to let her go. I couldn’t make her happy. What we’d had in Yosemite was just a dream.
The song ran through the back of my mind. I’d listened to it over and over when she first left. “Just a Dream” lamented with me, carried me through the end of that dark summer and into the life my parents wanted for me.
When I’d first told them about changing my plans and delaying college by a couple of years so Charlie and I could travel, they hadn’t taken it well. But I’d been prepared to fight. It was Charlie, not just some chick.
They told me to think twice about it. Galivanting off on a world adventure and simply living in the moment was reckless. What about my future? A college education? A career?
They implied that Charlie was too wild and unpredictable, that she’d let me down.
I saw the fear in their eyes. They thought Charlie was too much like Reagan, that she’d take me free-climbing and I’d fall to my death.
But they didn’t know her.
I tried to argue that she’d never do something like that to me. We were in love. She wasn’t going to hurt me or break my heart.
But then she did.
I hated that they were right, because I was so convinced they weren’t.
She was my best friend, and had become my lover. The chemistry between us was smoking hot, built on a foundation of trust and friendship. What Charlie and I had was rock-solid.
Until she smashed it to pieces without so much as an explanation.
As I stared at her across the diner table, I wanted to cry, scream, yell…do something to unleash what I’d been holding back for the last four years.
My stomach was raw with nausea and I had to smash my teeth together in order to keep it in.
Charlie’s face crumpled with regret. It was blatant; I wasn’t reading her wrong. But it only confused me.
What the hell was she regretting?
She’d gone off and made all her dreams come true.
Well, most of them. She still had the travel thing on her agenda, but if anyone was going to make it happen, it’d be her. She didn’t let life get in the way. She never had.
Wiping her finger under her nose, she gave me a pained smile while we both sat there holding it all in.
Damn, I wanted to know what was going through that brain of hers. She’d always been so open and honest with me. But that was four years ago, when we were the closest any two people could get.
I wanted to hear her admit she’d made a mistake. That she never should have left me.
But what would be the point?
I was with Shayna.
And Charlie didn’t want me. If she did, she wouldn’t have taken off like that.
She probably thought she was sparing my feelings somehow, and I needed to tell her she hadn’t. What she’d done was brutal.
“I…” Charlie’s mouth opened and closed for a second.
She’d always been allergic to conflict. Whenever someone was angry or sad, she’d go out of her way to make them smile, shift the tone to something fun.
Well, it wouldn’t work this time.
Nothing she could say or do would make this better.
She’d hurt me. She’d stolen my dreams and set me on this path.
This restless path that I so desperately wanted to love but couldn’t quite get there. This path that gave me the security I needed.
I had to keep reminding myself of that. Shayna was a good woman who’d never let me down.
Charlie was the exact opposite of that.
Looking away from her, I stared at my phone and started spinning it again. What the fuck else was I supposed to do?
“Live Life Loud” came on the radio and a movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention.
I glanced at Charlie. She was mouthing the lyrics and getting into the song. As soon as she saw me watching her, she started banging her head and rocking out on her air guitar. Blue hair splashed around her face, her exaggerated expressions tugging at me, forcing me to grin when I didn’t want to.
Entertaining me wasn’t going to solve the problem, and it pissed me off that I couldn’t resist her.
I wanted to be mad at this girl, but she made it impossible.
She was rocking out to a song that epitomized who she was. Charlie lived life loud; she made the most of everything and she’d chased her dreams to become a photographer.
What the hell was I becoming?
A lawyer.
I’d wear gray suits to work and have to shine my shoes on the weekends. I’d drive some boring car and live in some boring house in a boring suburb.
The secure, safe life my parents wanted for me. Quiet and unassuming.
The exact opposite of the kind of life Charlie Watson would lead.