Charlie
I spent the night crying in my room. I heard Fliss and Maestro come home but pretended to be asleep when she popped her head in to check on me. She snuck out with a soft apology, and I clung to my pillow to muffle the tears.
By the time I got up at nine o’clock to take a shower, I was shattered.
I just wanted to soak in a hot spray before officially going to bed.
I was a worn-out, tattered mess, my head pounding while my heart disintegrated. I hadn’t cried so much since I’d left Nixon four years ago. Aunt Jessica wasn’t there to mop up my tears either.
It was tempting to go to Mom. She’d hug me, but then she’d also swaddle me in advice that would be more a pep talk than anything. I couldn’t stomach it.
I could just head back to Montana. There was a certain sense of solace there.
But then what?
After a few months I’d get bored and need to move again. I couldn’t keep spending my life jumping from Montana to LA to Seattle to Portland, then down to San Diego. I couldn’t keep doing that. All the different jobs, the constant sense of restlessness.
The wedding photography gig had been my steadiest income and I kept coming back to it. But the thought of doing that, like actually enduring another wedding, kind of nauseated me. It was fine when there was still a chance of true love for me. I could snap photos of the couples kissing and committing their lives to each other, secretly hoping that one day I’d be that bride, kissing Nixon.
My wedding wouldn’t be white and traditional.
I’d come up with all sorts of colorful, wacky scenarios.
But I couldn’t waste my time doing that anymore.
That chance was over. My hope was gone.
I needed something to channel my focus, bring me out of the depressing vortex.
I needed clarity.
Switching off the shower, I quickly dried myself and decided to chat with Fliss. She always made me talk until I could think clearly. She was so wasted on animals. She should seriously be studying psychology, not doing veterinary training.
“We need wine, chocolates and a good chat.” I flicked off the bathroom fan and heard a soft moan coming from the living room.
My nose wrinkled, and then I rolled my eyes.
“That better be a frickin’ movie,” I muttered, tying back my hair as I stomped down the hallway.
But no. Lucky me. It was a live-action romance featuring my roommate and her rock star boyfriend.
Fliss was on Flick’s knee, mewling as his hands gripped her ass and they got busy with a heated make-out session.
Jealousy ripped through me like a green monster, and it took everything in me not to throw the TV remote at their heads.
“If you guys do it on the couch again, I’m seriously burning that thing!”
They jumped apart. Fliss yelped and laughed as she reclasped her bra, then straightened her shirt. Flick’s eyes were hot with desire when he winked at her.
She giggled and turned to face me.
Maestro scampered across the wooden floor and I crouched down to give him a quick pet while glaring at my roommate.
Her smile was near blinding as she skipped over to me. I stood, preparing myself for the worst. Fliss only got super giggly when the news was epic.
“You’re not going to believe it.” She stole a glance at Flick who grinned at her. She giggled and held up a trembling hand. “I’m engaged!”
The only response I could manage was a little squeak as I took her hand and gaped at the ring.
It was a simple diamond…a freaking huge simple diamond, but still nothing fancy. The rock was set inside a band of white gold. Stunning yet subtle. So incredibly Fliss.
Flick snickered as he rearranged the beanie on his head. “I know. The last thing you expected, right?”
I looked at him, still struggling to form a sentence.
“Truth is, I was just going to ask her to move in with me, but then I figured if we were going to be living together, we may as well be engaged, you know?”
“So freaking traditional. The last thing I expected from you, baby.” Fliss shook her head, staring at the ring in wonder.
Flick smiled at her, the gooey kind that makes girls swoon, and whispered, “Complex, sweetness.”
She rolled her eyes and giggled again.
“Wow.” I finally breathed, then forced myself to choke out the best congratulations I could. “I’m so happy for you guys.”
I was. It didn’t seem like it in that particular moment, but I seriously was. Fliss and Flick may have been on and off again, but they always came back together. They were made for each other, even in those moments when they didn’t want to be.
It was good that Flick acknowledged that. I was happy for Fliss.
It was great.
I was…happy.
Fliss gave me a pained smile. “I know this is kind of springing the whole moving out thing on you, but I’m not actually planning on leaving until the summer starts. I’m so close to classes here, so it makes sense to move after they’ve finished.”
“Of course.” I nodded.
“You’re not…upset, are you? I can help you find a new roommate.”
“No.” I brushed my hand through the air. “I’m not even sure what I’ll be doing this summer, so the timing could be perfect for us to let go of this place.”
“Oh, okay.” Fliss’s pale eyebrows rose. “Do you have a plan?”
“Not yet.” I winked, making her laugh. She was too euphoric to notice how forced I was being, and that kind of suited me. It wasn’t the time to shit all over her happy parade with my depressive wanderings.
Squeezing Fliss’s hand, I forced my brightest smile. “Seriously, it’s so awesome. I’m so happy for you guys.”
They grinned at each other and I could feel the vibe electrifying between them. They’d be having sex soon, and I didn’t want to be around to hear it.
I was about to step back towards the door when Flick said, “Let’s get going, sweetness. The guys are all waiting at the house to celebrate.”
Fliss let out this girly squeal and sprinted to her room. “I’ll just grab my stuff.”
“You want to come, Chuck?” Flick pulled the keys from his pocket.
I shook my head. “No, I’ve got a…”
His eyes narrowed at the corners, reading me in ways I didn’t want him to.
“I am seriously happy for you guys.”
“That’s the third time you’ve said that in about five minutes.”
Damn his keen eyes and intelligence!
“But I am. I swear.” I licked my lips when his scrutiny didn’t let up. “I’m just…uh… I’m having my own personal crisis right now and before you ask me if I’m okay, please don’t. I’m not ready to talk about it.”
He pursed his lips and nodded. “I get it. But whatever the hell it is, don’t let it eat you alive. You beat that bitch with music or action or whatever you need to do.” He tipped his head toward the hallway. “You know Fliss will listen to anything you have to say, right?”
I gave him a closed-mouth smile. “Yeah. But not on the night she gets engaged, okay?”
He snickered and raised his eyebrows with a nod. “Look, I know it’s a big deal to lose her. You guys have had fun here. But just because she’s moving in with me doesn’t mean she won’t be there for you.”
“I know,” I whispered before shuffling away from his penetrating gaze.
He thought I was gutted because I was losing my roommate. And for sure, I was. I loved living with Fliss. But that wasn’t what was killing me.
As I stepped into my room and leaned against the back of my door, the thing that made my knees buckle was the truth that all the people I loved were moving on.
And I was stagnant.
Stuck in this holding pattern.
Waiting for something that was never going to happen.
My stomach jerked with a sob, but I wouldn’t set it free. I’d cried enough to last me the next two decades.
I slammed my teeth together and wiped my finger under my nose.
I had no idea how long I sat on my floor doing that. Fliss called out a goodbye. The front door shut behind her. Maestro’s nails clicked on the floor. He sniffed around my door for me, and when I didn’t respond he disappeared, no doubt to his squishy bed in the living room.
My butt was sore and aching by the time I finally moved. Crawling over to my computer, I opened Spotify and scanned the playlist, looking for something to get me out of my funk.
Music had magical qualities and damn, did I need some magic in that moment.
Pushing my finger up the mouse pad, the list of songs in my extensive playlist turned to white fuzz.
I couldn’t even find music to listen to.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I bashed my finger onto the pad with a yell.
And soft piano music started up.
I recognized the tune within eight beats—“Carry On” by Fun.
Sitting motionless on my knees, I stared at the screen until it became a blur. The lyrics spun around me, sinking in and speaking to me the way music always had in the past.
The sad voice understood me and I gazed up at the ceiling, fighting tears.
“If you’re lost and alone…,” he sang.
I closed my eyes, tears trickling down my cheeks as I soaked in the chorus.
Then the drumbeat kicked in and I knew…
I knew what I had to do.
Move forward.
Move on.
Let go of a pipe dream.
I’d walked away for Nixon’s sake. Because I was trying to do the right thing.
But deep down, I hadn’t left him at all.
It was time to do it for real.
Jerking up, I grabbed my chair and sat down, then pulled up a new tab in my browser. As the song built around me, my fingers flew over the keys. I started with a dream, just Googling pictures of places in the world to inspire me. And then it turned to research, which became a scrawled plan on paper. As the clock ticked past two, I’d worked out how much money I still needed to save to see the places I’d dreamed of for years. My beautiful plan had taken shape and inspired something inside of me.
With my finger hovering over the pad, I stared at the PURCHASE TICKET button and whispered, “Carry on,” before taking the plunge and securing a one-way flight out of LAX.