CHAPTER TEN
Reagan
The afternoon had been weird and oddly nice. I didn’t know what to expect when Nate came in and demanded me on the back of his bike. I certainly didn’t expect to end up under a tree in a vacant field. And I definitely didn’t expect there to be a blanket and food. It almost felt like a date. My stomach clenched with nervousness at the thought. Even though deep down I knew better. There was no way Nate was taking me on a romantic date out of the blue. I would have said that it had something more to do with pity. Still, it was nice.
It made my heart flutter that he opened up to me and shared a special place with me. Even if he did shut down when we were leaving, I took pride in small victories. It was a little shocking how similar our stories were. We both were pretty much on our own at a young age. True, his parents died while my mom was most likely still alive somewhere out there. But I could tell it was something that changed both of us; made us into who we were.
Nate the boy sounded very different from Nate the man. My mind drifted, wondering what a seventeen-year-old Nate was like. I had a feeling that if his parents hadn’t left him at such a young age his life would have been very different. I imagined he wouldn’t be suck in this small town. He wouldn’t be part of a biker gang. And he wouldn’t be doing shady things. Not that I had proof of that last one, but I had an idea that the Steel Paragons were not completely on the up and up. I imagined that being left in the world with no guidance he sought out somewhere he could belong. Maybe he saw it as the best option. Or maybe it was something as simple as him wanting something to call a family again.
I was shocked how easily I fell asleep and how quickly I was dead to the world. I don’t know how long he let me lay there, but I felt much better once I got up. I was thankful and felt like it was some sort of breakthrough. Like he actually wanted to spend some time with me.
We pulled into his driveway and he helped me off. I looked at him and smiled. A real, genuine smile.
But then I saw it. Or rather didn’t. As I looked across Nan’s yard and into the driveway I noticed my car was gone. Not there. Just up and disappeared, gone. In its place was pretty much the same car, only not as ancient. And when I say not as old, I mean like in this decade. I would have put it at three years at most.
At first, I was sad and let down. Disappointed that what we’d shared wasn’t real. I quickly stomped that down and embarrassment took over. I thought he actually wanted to spend time with me. I thought maybe some part of him cared about me. How had I gotten it so wrong? How did I let myself get carried away?
Then came the anger. Fire, hot lava, melt your face off anger. Angry that he tricked me. Pissed as hell that he went behind my back and got me a new car. Fucking seething through to the bone that he had used his charm to fool me. And I had let him. Without a second thought.
“Rea,” he said, his tone almost worried.
“Don’t!” I screamed, holding my finger up as if daring him to say another word. I ripped the helmet off my head and shoved it, hard, at him. Before even making sure that he had a hold on it, I stormed off across the yard.
I got halfway to Nan’s front door when I spun around. My face was hot and I felt like I was going to explode. He was still sitting on his bike. His shoulders slumped forward. His arm rested on the helmet in between his legs. He looked almost defeated like I’d never seen him before. But that didn’t stop me.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” I yelled, my voice cracking halfway through. My body was vibrating with anger and frustration.
He jumped off his bike, and within a few lightning fast strides, he was standing in front of me. He was close enough that his addictive scent filled my nose. It was all I could smell. All I could focus on. He towed over me, a breath away from my face. I refused to look up, choosing to keep my eyes locked on a blank spot in the middle of his t-shirt. I knew if I looked into his eyes I would break.
“Give it to me, Rea,” he said, his tone was so calm it pissed me off more. I threw my hands up at his chest and pushed. Nothing, not even a little budge. I pushed harder. “Get pissed at me. Hate me. Yell at me. Get it all out. ‘Cause at the end of all this, you will be driving that car.”
“I. Don’t. Need. Your. Help.” I said through gritted teeth. “I don’t want it. I never wanted it. I never asked for it. I can take care of myself. Who the hell just buys someone a car? Who thinks that is normal?”
I pounded on his chest with closed fists. But could tell I didn’t even hurt him a little bit. He took all that I had to give. He let me get all my rage out without so much as a flinch. For a fraction of a second, I wondered if I was being a bratty bitch, but I couldn’t stop. With one last movement, I slapped him hard across the face. His head whipped to the side no more than an inch and his jaw clenched tight. Right away his cheek turned red and blotchy where my hand connected with his skin.
“I am a person,” I said as I felt the tears sting my eyes. “You can’t just make me do things I don’t want to do. What I want matters. I matter.” I turned around before the tears started to fall. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back around. He bent down and searched in my eyes. For what, I wasn’t sure. I looked back into his and saw a softness I hadn’t seen before, but I couldn’t let it get to me. I ripped my arm out of his grip and walked into the house, not once looking back.
I stomped up to my room and locked myself away for the rest of the night. I was suspicious that Nan at least had an idea about what was going on. I would’ve even gone as far to say that she had a helping hand in it. I cursed myself for not seeing it sooner.
Later that night I got a text from Chris. I perked up, thinking I could vent to him. Then again, I wasn’t completely sure I should. He did, after all, work for Nate. I swiped my phone open and read the message.
Chris: Do I even want to know?!
Me: What?
Chris: Don’t play coy, missy. Boss man is in a mood. He’s talking to Brand right now. It’s kinda funny the crap he’s giving Loch. Never seen Brand so talkative. Hmmm…
Chris: Spill it.
Me: He bought me a car.
Chris: Oh nice! Lucky girl.
Me: No. I’m pissed. Used his alpha male bullshit to take me away and did that shit behind my back.
Chris: Pissed. Got it. Take a bath. Relax. We’ll talk tomorrow.
That was that. He didn’t dig too much and I was glad. I had no doubt that when I saw him next he’d push for more details. I could only hope that I’d feel better then. There was a small pain in my gut when I thought about trash talking Nate. I did my best to push it away because I was still red-hot pissed.
I took his suggestion and ran a bath. As I soaked in the nice hot water and relaxing salts, it all started to fade away. But as soon as I got out it all came flooding back.
I crawled into bed and cried. I was tired of being used. It wasn’t a feeling that anyone should feel comfortable with. While I knew some people thrived on it, I wasn’t one of those. It hurt. A punch to the gut. The same feeling I had the day my mother left me. People only had to deal with me. I was like an unwanted house fly and they found themselves relieved when the damn thing went down or flew back out. I let myself think for a moment that he wanted to be around me. That he wanted my company and actually enjoyed it. I hated feeling like a fool and I hated being tricked. Sure, if he had come out and told me he was buying me a car I would have pushed back with all my might. Somehow, having the option to fight for what I wanted to be taken away shook me to the core. It only solidified the feeling that no one cared about me. Someone not caring about what it was that I wanted only made me question the point of my existence in their life. Or in life in general.
I sighed and willed myself to sleep. It didn’t happen. This time it was Nate that clouded my mind. The strength in trying to remind myself that I hated him. The weakness that, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t. I finally crawled out of bed at daybreak. I walked down to the kitchen hoping I wouldn’t see him at the bar later that night. I knew there was no avoiding Nan. I was sure she was going to have some witty words to go along with the fire I was going to spew at her. I sat down on the couch in the living room with my coffee in hand and found myself getting lost in the angry steam.
By the time Nan came into the living room, I was well past angry and headed deep into self-pity territory. Splash in a lot of embarrassment and stupidity, and that was the party I was throwing myself in my head. I was drained, empty, and hurt. The tears were just the outward evidence of that. Nan looked at me with a silent sad look before she came to sit next to me on the couch. She patted my leg and we sat there in wrapped in a blanket of quietness for a long time.
“I’m so stupid,” I finally said. Maybe it was that I didn’t have any friends to talk to or that I just needed to get it out. Or it could have been that I needed some kind of guidance. Even if it came from a crazy, outgoing old lady.
“No, you’re not, dear.” She turned to face me and looked me in the eyes.
“Yeah, I am. I thought he wanted to spend time with me. Like really spend time with me.” I took a calming breath. “But it was all a huge a distraction.”
“You want to know what I think?” she asked in a tone that told me she was going to tell me no matter what. I didn’t reply, I just waited for it. “I think that boy likes you. I think the two of you are just stubborn as fuck and it is only going to get in the way of something that could be good.” I blinked at her. Part of me was thrown that she cussed out loud. Part of me was taking what she said to heart.
“No. That man knew I wasn’t going to let him have his way. So he found a way around that, leaving me no say so in it.” My tone became bitter.
“That man bought you a car because he knew the one you had wasn’t safe for you. In other words, he doesn’t want anything to happen to you. This is the way you need to start looking at things, Reagan.” I sighed at her.
“I won’t ever lose myself in a relationship. I refuse to change and be a completely different person. I will never be…” I stopped myself. Sure, it was true and it was my mother that I was talking about, but I also had to remember that she was Nan’s daughter.
“Your mother,” she said for me. The look on her face was a mix of emotions. She sat back a little and relaxed into the cushions. “I know you’ve had it rough, and I blame myself for a lot of that. After your grandfather left me, God rest his soul, I may not have set the best example. But I always put her first. I kept most of it out of the house and away from her. I went to every dance recital and school play. Hell, I even went to most of the PTA meeting and baked cookies and shit.” I huffed out a laugh.
The image she was painting of my mother’s childhood seemed strange to me. My mother never talked that much about what it was like for her growing up. Hell, we never really talked about anything. I learned about most things on my own. I had to figure out sex on my own. And at fifteen with an inexperienced Jimmy Nelson in his parents’ basement, it was a horrible first lesson. I had to teach myself that drugs were not a good thing and to drink in moderation. I had to learn to always be aware of my surroundings and to keep my guard up. I basically had to teach myself life.
“Is it horrible that I don’t even miss her?” My voice was barely above a whisper. I should have felt guilty about saying that. But it was the truth. She had been a sad excuse for a parent. At the end of the day, I had to remind myself that she was my mom. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for her. Although, there were many days when I debated if that was such a good thing.
“No. Some days I have the same thought. She left me long ago and never gave a second look back. Why should I waste my love on someone who doesn’t want it?” Nan said looking off into the distance. “I still wonder if there weren’t things I could have done differently. Better.”
“Nan, you couldn’t have…” I grabbed her hand and gave it a firm squeeze.
“Can’t change the past. Only can enjoy the present and try your best to hope for the future.” I gave a silent nod of agreement. “And by enjoy the present, I mean enjoy it.” She winked at me. Crazy Nan was back.
“Okay. Okay. I get what you’re saying.” I rolled my eyes at her. I wondered what sex was like at her age. I wondered if it was the same old or if it changed somehow through the years. I was about to ask her, then I remembered she was my grandmother and I grimaced.
“That boy there is meant to be enjoyed. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.” She looked at me pointedly. I blushed and closed my eyes.
“There will be no enjoying of anything in any way with him.” I knew she could see right through me.
“He bought me a car,” I grumbled.
“He bought you a car,” she said in a happier tone.
“He didn’t give me a choice.” I pointed out again.
“He’s keeping you safe. He doesn’t see that as an option.” She pinned me with a hard look like I should have seen it that way the whole time. I rolled my eyes again and flopped sideways on the couch.
“Pull yourself together. You’ve got work later and I need to go get my hair done for my date tonight.” She patted my leg then got up.
“Date? Do I even want to know?” I asked, regretting it as soon as it left my mouth. Luckily, she didn’t say anything else. She only flashed me a mischievous grin and headed into the kitchen.