CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Loch
Bocca was hitting walls everywhere. He couldn’t find anything else on Lance or Reagan’s roommate. Things with the club took priority and he was doing all he could to find out who was behind the attack.
The Dogs of Wrath were still nowhere to be found. Things were tense among the brothers. All the chapters were staying put in their home towns. The guns we had were locked up tight in the model home basement. It was the safest place we had that wasn’t tied to the club. No one would suspect that they were there. And it wasn’t like anyone was actually going to look at that place. Most who were going to buy a house on the rich side of town knew what they wanted. Having a town full of locals had its perks. Besides, if it did need to be shown we would get a heads up. So, for now, things were safe. But the club wasn’t and we didn’t know how long it would go on. We needed some kind of insight as to what was happening. We needed to know who we were up against.
With the Dogs down there would be no more runs for a while. We were feeling the heat from the MCs that we dealt with throughout the country. As far as we were concerned, we were shut down for the time being. The safest place for us all was close to shelter. And that was the clubhouse. We still weren’t on a lockdown, but most of us chose to stay around the clubhouse when we weren’t working. We all had rooms there. They were small, but we’d manage. The ones with old ladies stayed at home watching over their families. That was their right. Until a permanent lockdown was in place, families stayed put.
We kept the bar going. Reagan and Chris continued to run things. I dropped by every now and then. I used the excuse of needed to do office shit, but the truth was that I just wanted to see Reagan. I wanted to breathe in her smell and touch her soft skin. I was pretty sure I wasn’t as sly as I hoped to be, but she never let on that she was aware of it. Sometimes the air was so charged around us that I almost dragged her back to the office like a damn cave man. I craved to be near her and more so, to be inside her.
Things with her seemed simple from the outside. We would come together when the need became too much. Then we would go our separate ways. Well, the reality of it was, I would stay and she would sneak off. But if you looked at it from the outside, I guess you could have said that I let her go.
I made my way out to the kitchen. The club girls had been doing a good job of keeping us fed and the place cleaned. There were fresh eggs, bacon, and biscuits. The smell of it made my mouth water. I filled up a plate and sat down at one of the long tables. I was up early and most everyone was still sleeping. The place was dead quiet outside my door when I cracked my eyes open half an hour ago.
As I was shoveling eggs into my mouth, the side door off the kitchen opened. In walked a very tired looking Jessica. She gave me a friendly nod before going and making herself a plate. Sitting down across from me, she took a long sip of her coffee.
“You and Axe off again?” I asked not giving a shit about beating around the bush. I liked to stay on top of things that were going on with the club. Even down to what was going on with the girls.
The thing with Jessica and Axe was always up and down, but it never brought drama. So we let it be. Sure some of the guys got a little pissy when there was one less girl to pass around. But they knew well enough that in a few weeks she would be free again. She was the best of them, and I didn’t even blame Axe for laying his keep on her every now and then. I think both of them wanted it to work, but deep down both of them knew it would never last. She was one of the good ones. She didn’t keep in with the rest of the mean girls, as I saw them. She kept her business private and she knew her place. On top of that, she kept things going around the compound. She was the queen bee among the club girls and she knew how to keep them in line for the most part. I had no doubt that someday one of these fuckers would wise up and make her an old lady. And she would be an amazing one. But for now, she seemed happy just being a part of the club.
“Yeah,” she replied with a nonchalant shrug. I breathed a little sigh of relief. Sure she was good at keeping it cool, but with women, sometimes you never knew what would set them off. “Why? Is there something I can help you out with?” And just like that, she was back to it. I cracked a small smile.
“I’m good, darlin’.” It wasn’t lost on me that I had no interest. She was the number one in my book among the club girls, but nothing inside me sparked at all. I knew it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with Reagan.
“Ahhh, so the rumors are true.” She gave me a soft smile. Her feelings weren’t hurt and she seemed genuinely happy for me. I was glad, the last thing I would want to do was to make her feel unwanted in any way. By her tone, I could tell she wasn’t trying to be a gossip queen.
“Have no idea what’s floatin’ around the rumor mill, so I can’t tell you if it’s true or not.” She narrowed her eyes at me letting me know she wasn’t stupid. I let out a short laugh.
“This girl, she make you think about things beyond this club?”
Her question made me pause. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I had spent too much time trying not to figure out how I felt about Reagan. Trying not to want for more than I thought she wanted to give.
Truth was, I did want more. I wanted Reagan to be by my side. And I’d found myself wondering how it would be to have something other than the club in my life. Not saying I wanted to give up the MC all together, just have something more. I knew if I opened my mouth it would unlock a box I wasn’t ready to open.
“Loch, I’ve been around you long enough to know you. If she’s got you turning down your girl of choice then she’s got you by the heart… or balls rather.” She raised a brow at me in a playful manner.
I let out a laugh. Maybe it was true. I was glad Jessica kept this conversation light with such a heavy subject. She said her piece and was going to leave me to ponder shit. She was well aware of the fucking hurricane she’d just unleashed in my head, but she wasn’t going to help me figure it out.
We ate our food in silence. I found myself thinking about just how great Jessica was. I definitely didn’t feel the way about her as I did about Reagan. At the same time, Jessica knew how club life was. She knew the ins and outs of how things went. She knew not to ask questions and to do as she was told. She knew when to be there and when to back off. I wished things would work out for her. Maybe with Axe, but I knew they were too much of the same person to ever last. Hell, they had given it more than enough chances to work.
I could tell she was as lost in thoughts as much as I was. I struggled to think of something to say to her. I wasn’t good with women and emotional shit. I blamed it on the fact that I’d never really taken the time to learn the language of that stuff. After my parents died, part of me died too. A big part. I closed off my emotions and didn’t look back. I was a good listener, and I guessed the best thing I could do was to ask.
“You okay?” I croaked out feeling a tad bit nervous. She blinked as if I had brought her back to reality. A smile spread across her face but it didn’t reach her eyes. I knew then whatever it was she was going to keep that shit to herself.
“Yeah. Still waking up, I guess.”
“You know if you ever need anything we’re here for you?” My tone was stern, I meant that shit. She had been there for the club in more way than I could count over the years. One thing we held high on the list was that we took care of our own. And in my book, that included making sure making sure she was okay.
“I know, Loch. Thanks.” She patted my hand and stood up. She cleared her plate and mine, then walked out of the room.
I remained there long after she left, lost in thoughts of Reagan. Part of me wanted to man the fuck up and claim Reagan. Part of me knew that wasn’t the way to go with her. It was a struggle I didn’t know how to deal with. I wanted to protect her and when I tired she pushed back. She had a damn independent streak a mile long. It wasn’t something I was used to dealing with. In my world, and the way I was raised, a man took care of his woman. I didn’t know what to do with one that wanted to take care of herself. The best option I could come up with was to keep things the way they had been. But I knew it wasn’t going to make me happy in the end. Baby steps weren’t my thing, and I was getting tired of holding back.
“Hey, Loch,” Mel said stepping into the kitchen, arms full of bags. I jumped up and grabbed the bags out of her hands.
“Woman, you know we got prospects for this shit,” I said laughing. She patted my chest and shook her head.
“I know things have been tense around here. I figured I’d give them a little slack,” she replied. “Looks like everyone is asleep anyway. What the hell you doin’ up so early?” I shrugged.
“You got more?” I pointed at the bags. She nodded. “Lake!” I yelled knowing he wasn’t ever too far away.
“Yeah?” He popped his head into the kitchen not even a minute later, hair sticking up all over the place and rubbing his eyes.
“Get the rest of the shit outta Melody’s car.” I barked. He turned on his heels and darted out the door. “What’s all this stuff?” I said peering into the bags and seeing bright blue and green streamers and balloons. I looked in another bag and saw some paper plates. They had some weird cartoon looking dinosaurs dancing in the middle.
“Grass’ fourth birthday party,” she said like I should have known the answer. With everything going on it had slipped my mind. “Friday night. Figured make it a big party. My sister is coming down with the kids. You should invite your girl.” She didn’t look up at me as she picked through the bags like it was a normal thing to say to me.
“Everybody been talkin’?” I grunted. She laughed at me.
“Can’t keep shit to yourself in a town this small, especially when you got these guys around. Word is that you aren’t trying to keep it all in the shadows anyway.” She winked at me like the all-knowing woman she was. “Bring her by early.” It wasn’t a request.
I kissed her cheek and then left her to her organization. I didn’t want to get caught up in sorting things and putting shit together. I chuckled knowing she would pull Lake into it. She would make this party big for Grass. Melody was never one to do things half-assed. Like most of us, she had a soft spot for the little guy and felt like it was her place to step in and play mom for the big events.
I needed to get out and clear my head. After checking with Cal to make sure he didn’t need anything, I let him make sure he knew I was going to be out. With things the way they were, it was just good manners. I didn’t want him to worry if I wasn’t around for the day. Also, he would know that if I didn’t show up by tomorrow then it was time to send out a search party. He gave me the go-ahead, telling me he will call me if he needed me.
The open road and my bike gave me the relief I needed. Miles flew by under my tires as my head tried to sort out what to do about Reagan. Shit was never easy, especially with her. Questions rattled around my mind and I needed to look deep inside and find answers for them. If I was going to lay it all out there for her, then I needed to know what I was laying out and how I felt about everything. With her, I didn’t want to do the in-between thing anymore. She deserved more and if it wasn’t what I wanted, then I needed to let her go. I gave into every insecurity and every doubt I had trying to figure out what I was going to do.
First thing that bothered me was age. She was so young, but she seemed wise beyond her years. She was a product of having to always do things for herself. I was damn old and set in my ways. One of those ways was that believing my woman should be treated like a queen, and that meant me taking care of her. Somehow, I doubted that would fly with Reagan. It was the way I knew how to love. My dad took care of my mom and in return she took care of him in her own ways. He would work, kept a roof over our heads, and fixed shit when needed. She would make sure he had clean clothes and good food in his belly. The love that surrounded them seemed endless. That was what I grew up with and it was the way I knew how to show my love. I wondered if it would work for Reagan, but I felt like it wouldn’t. At the stage I was in life, I wasn’t sure how to change everything that was ingrained in me.
Next thing was the club. It wouldn’t be a problem me taking an old lady. I knew everyone there would respect it. Most of them thought she was mine anyway by the way I’d made her off limits. But I wondered how she would be able to handle the club part of my life. There were things I wouldn’t be able to tell her. There would be times I would have to go away for days, even weeks, at a time. Not to mention the fact that the club girls would always be around. Letting their man around those girls wasn’t something that most women would be comfortable with. Not that I would ever do anything for her to mistrust me, but it still wasn’t an easy thing to deal with.
Being with Reagan, even the few time I had, left me wanting nothing else. I had never felt the way I felt with her. I had never been so desperate to be inside of anyone the way I was with her. She was the top on a hellova long list. I wanted that every day, forever.
Forever… the thought of it should have sent me running, but it did the fucking opposite. It made me smile, a rare happy-as-shit smile. Like a damn kid that got everything he asked Santa for on Christmas. Maybe that’s what she was, my everything.
There was a mountain of things we needed to sit down and talk about. The end of the line was coming and I was pushing the train to its limits to get there. I knew she felt some way towards me. Just in the way her body responded to my touch told me so. But there was also more. I saw the way she looked at me when she didn’t think I was paying attention. I saw her unguarded when she let her walls slip around me. She was beautiful inside and out.
I headed home with the decision to hit this damn thing head on. First step would be to see how she did around the club at Grass’ birthday. Yes, I was going to bring her. I was going to see how she acted around the brothers and the club girls. I was going to see how she got along with the other old ladies. It was a big step for me and I knew it wouldn’t be easy on either of us. If all went well, then we would sit down and have it out. No more secrets. No more of the half-in, half-out shit we had going on.