CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Loch
It took everything in me not to go to her. I wasn’t sure if Reagan even wanted to see me. I didn’t want to add anything to her plate. She had enough that she was dealing with and I didn’t want her to think that I needed something from her. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.
Between Chris and myself, we were taking care of the bar. I didn’t want her working unless she wanted to come back, and only when she was ready at that. I figured she would come to me when she was. Things were quiet most nights. Everyone seemed to stay at the clubhouse more and more.
A pang of guilt hit me when Bocca told me that he and a few of the guys were going over to cheer up Reagan. I had Brand watching over her and I knew she wasn’t even leaving her room. More than once Bocca and Brand told me I needed to go see her. Brand could see her spiraling down and didn’t know what to do. He told me that she was healing physically. But he could tell that she was a wreck on the inside. I wanted to be there, but the last thing I wanted to do was add more to what was already going on in her head. Brand tried to tell me that I was only making it worse for her. I blew him off, thinking that staying away was the best thing. There were times I doubted myself and the need to see her and hold her almost made me crack. But I felt like I had to be strong for her. We would get our chance, but I wanted her to know it was when she was ready for it. I would wait until the end of the world if I had to.
It was hard not to blame myself for this. Things had gotten crazy at the club and the whole thing with Lance had been put on the backburner. I couldn’t ask Bocca to do more digging. He already had his hands full with finding out more on The Devil’s Kings and what we were up against. I had been too busy staying close to the club to look out for her. I kept kicking myself for not listening to that pang in my gut. Deep down I knew something was wrong, but I let myself get carried away with the imminent threat to the club. For the first time in my life, I was torn between my loyalties to the club and the need of my heart. In the end, I won’t say I made the wrong choice, I should have just handled balancing both a little better. All of that was on me and I would never forgive myself.
Things had been calm at the club but there was a heavy tension lingering in the air. Until Savage decided to finally reach out. It was the moment we all had been holding our breaths for. Cal had received a call a week ago. He said that it was from Savage himself. The leader of the Devil’s Kings told Cal that we would continue to make runs and with less of a pay cut. He said that there would be upping the number of runs, too. He explained all of this to Cal in a tone that let him know there would be no other option. Savage wasn’t a man to be messed with. I could tell that even Cal was rattled after talking to him.
We had no choice but to go with it. We brought it to the table. Members of the other chapters came and the room was packed. There was outrage. But in the end, we decided it was best to sit it out and wait. So far it wasn’t anything that we couldn’t handle. Bocca had been shot but nothing fatal. We decided to keep collecting as much as we could and when the time came we would all be ready. This meant revving up security and having a tighter lock on the clubhouses. Everyone was in agreement as we left the table. We would wait and see. Something itched under my skin and the feeling that we made the wrong decision was clawing at me.
Weeks went by. I was aggravated and on edge. I wanted nothing more than to hold Reagan and have her warmth invade me. I threw myself into work. I did everything I could to help Bocca out with the new security cameras in the clubhouse. We even added a few to the bar and the garage. It was becoming costly, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle for now.
I made rounds throughout the town every day. One in the morning and one right before the sun went down. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep, I would make another in the middle of the night. Which happened more often than not. Everything was normal and quiet and I took the time to look at the people in the town. What we as a whole were turning this town into. It was growing slowly but it was a good growth. The kind that would last for years to come and make the next generations proud.
I’d never thought about leaving a legacy before. But sitting back and watching the way people interacted got my brain going. The way people would go out of their way to help each other on a daily basis made me strive to be apart of it and help it grow. It left me with a tiny hole in my heart. I wondered what it would be like to share that with someone. It made me think about what it would be like to share that with my kid. Thoughts that I was sure had died long ago.
When I lost my parents, I lost a huge part of myself. I gave up on the next life and started living in the day. I never looked to the future. Never made plans beyond the next hour unless it was club business. I often felt I was simply shuffling through life, waiting for the end.
But now I wanted more. I wanted a life and I wanted to live it to the fullest. I wanted to share things and grow with someone. I knew who exactly that person was in my mind. Reagan had started to stir something deep inside of me the moment she stepped back in town and I saw her. It was a shame that it took me awhile to catch on. And now that I’d let those feelings in, the never-ending possibilities were running wild.
I wasn’t even sure if Reagan would want children. There were so many things that we’d never discussed. We both had a rough life and I wondered if she felt like me on the inside. I wondered if it had hardened her to the point of no return. Unlike her, I was lucky enough to see love through my parents. I wanted nothing more than to share that with her and open her eyes to the beauty of it all. She had unlocked something in me and I was bound and determined to show her how it felt.