Chapter Fifteen
It was a rare day that Sam chose to work from her parents’ house and by three o’clock she couldn’t hold out any longer. She hopped in her truck and headed to the coffee shop to get her fix.
“Psst. Hey,” she stage-whispered, strolling up to the counter and summoning Lucy with one finger. “Come here.” Even now, months into dating, her heart pounded when she caught Lucy looking around to make sure none of her customers were paying attention. It was a sure sign she was about to get a sly kiss, and even though she knew it made her a huge mush, it got her every time. “How’s your day?” she asked.
“Busy. What about you?”
Sam nodded in response. “My parents were out all morning. I was able to get a lot done.” She settled herself onto a stool. “Which means I’m all yours for the rest of the day.”
“I like the sound of that.”
Lucy poured her coffee and placed the steaming mug on the counter. Sam stirred it out of habit, even though she knew it was already prepared exactly how she liked it.
“I was thinking.” Sam placed the spoon on top of a napkin. “Any chance we could sneak away for a few hours this weekend?” She saw apprehension in Lucy’s face, so she edited her idea right on the spot. While she’d been set to pitch a night together camping on the beach at Fire Island, she could already see that wouldn’t fly. “What I would really love is to go away for a night somewhere. Hike all day. Maybe camp out. I love being outside—you know that. I want some time to experience that with you.” She steadied her shoulders. “But I can see there’s no way you’re letting Raven handle a Sunday without you.”
“Sam, I can’t. I’m sorry, babe.”
“What about Saturday afternoon?” She touched the curve of the spoon’s handle. “Cut out early, we can head to the Jersey Shore.” She took a small sip of her drink. “Catch some late-day sun on the beach. Walk on the boardwalk. Go out for a nice dinner. I’ll have you home in bed by midnight.”
“Yeah, you will,” Lucy responded with more than a little spirit.
Sam grinned. “Is that a yes?”
“Almost.”
“Almost?”
“Cindy is working Saturday afternoon. I would not relax knowing I left my baby in the hands of Cindy Defazzio. Nice girl, but let me just make sure Raven’s available to cover as well.”
As if on cue, Raven came through the back door and hugged Lucy from behind. “Lucy Weston, you are my hero. I owe you so big-time.”
“Well, that sounds promising,” Sam said, lifting the mug to her mouth.
“Sorry, Sam. I’m not really groping your girlfriend. Promise.” Raven shucked her apron and folded it neatly into a corner. “I feel so much better already. Thank you, boss lady.” She skipped out from behind the counter. “Tomorrow when you see me, I’ll be a changed woman. But maybe a little sore.” She laughed nervously. “Wish me luck,” she called out as the door’s bell jingled above her.
“Good luck, honey,” Lucy called after her.
Sam held up her palms. “Gonna fill me in or what?” She took a big gulp of coffee. “Raven seemed pret-ty excited about your advice.”
“It was nothing.” Lucy wiped the spotless counter out of habit. “Raven’s friend was giving her a hard time.”
“The girl she’s dating, you mean?”
“No, actually. Just one of her friends. But it was about the girl she’s seeing.”
“A jealousy thing?”
Lucy put the cloth down and took two steps closer so she was directly in front of where Sam was sitting. “No.” She checked a look at the only person present with them, a man finishing up his coffee by the window and whispered, “Her friend was giving her crap because Raven’s girlfriend wants to use…toys.” She licked her lips. “Like, you know, a dildo.” Her voice had dropped another octave.
“I’m familiar with sex toys, babe,” Sam whispered back. She watched Lucy blush as she held her hand up, offering a good-bye to the shop’s sole customer as he left. “Let me guess. Her friend said using that stuff makes her not gay enough or some shit like that?”
“Exactly.”
Sam shook her head into her drink. “That’s ridiculous.”
“I know. I told her that.”
“You obviously made her feel better. What did you say?”
Lucy toyed with the edge of Sam’s spoon. “I told her she should do what she wants and to not let anyone come into her bedroom and judge her.” She touched the tip of Sam’s thumb with her index finger. “What happens between her and her girlfriend is for them. No one gets to weigh in on that.”
“Wise words.” Sam let her fingers drift all the way up Lucy’s forearm. “Sounds like she’s going to go for it.”
“I don’t know. She’s nervous. Afraid it’s going to hurt.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I didn’t.” She pushed off the counter and then came back in slowly. “I would have had to admit I didn’t honestly know. So instead I emphasized that our bodies were designed for all sorts of things—”
“Hold up.” Sam twisted her coffee cup by the handle. “Are you saying…” She let her voice trail off, uncharacteristically shy about finishing the question.
“What?”
“Luce?”
“Sam?” She bit her lower lip coyly. “Is there something you want to know?”
Sam could feel her face getting hot but her desire for the answer won out. “So you’ve never”—she moved her head from side to side—“used, you know, like a strap-on or anything?”
“No.”
She focused her eyes on the ceramic cup twisting it back and forth. “And is that, like, something you might be interested in?” Her attempted nonchalance failed miserably but it didn’t matter. She watched intently as Lucy examined her short fingernails as she answered.
“Honestly, I never considered it before.” She put both hands on the countertop. “It was never really there as an option.” She bit her lip, looking both shy and embarrassed at her admission. “Things with you are different. So if you’re really asking, a hundred percent I’m interested.” They were alone in the store but Lucy spoke low anyway. “I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do with you.” Her shrug was almost playful. “So if you’re up for it, and judging by the look on your face, I’m going to say that’s a yes, let’s do it.” A small delighted sigh escaped her. “I bet it’s going to be unbelievable. I almost can’t wait.”
Sam was so turned on she could barely talk. This day couldn’t get any better. It wasn’t yet three thirty on Tuesday afternoon and she’d already talked Lucy into a Saturday date, and they were discussing ramping up their already hot sex life. She glanced over at the door to the kitchen, contemplating whisking Lucy behind it. Lucy would never let things get out of hand, but she would play along for a little bit. Of that Sam was certain. She stood up to go for it when a string of four customers came in together. They were all dudes, dressed in suits, laughing loudly. Literally cock-blocked, she sat back down with a disheartened thud, but Lucy came bouncing out from behind the counter to offer hugs as she greeted them each by name.
Sam looked on from her perch at the bar as Lucy excitedly asked what they were doing on Staten Island. One of them, clearly the mouthpiece for the group, mentioned a meeting at the detective bureau at one of the police stations. Cops. Sam swiveled more to monitor the exchange, half waiting to be introduced. It didn’t happen though, and she hardly cared. It was nice to see Lucy so animated at seeing her old cronies. Sam watched as her girlfriend happily hooked them up with complimentary coffee and cookies, clearly proud of the business she had cultivated.
They were standing in a semicircle yammering away in cop-speak when the greeting bells jangled and a woman decked in full uniform strolled in with a younger cop who clearly didn’t hold her rank.
“Gentlemen,” she said, saying hello to them as a group.
“Captain.” They addressed her formally, their laughter dying out. Sam idly wondered if Lucy would be so respectful, seeing as she was no longer part of the force. Sam looked to see for herself, but when she assessed Lucy’s reaction, there was neither joviality nor reverence. Only shock.
“Lucy.”
“Dani. Hi.” Lucy stuffed her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “You got promoted. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” She twisted her eight-point hat in her hands, looking around. “This is a nice place you have.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve been meaning to reach out to you.” The officer glanced at the detectives for reference. “I guess you know we had a major case meeting out here today.”
Lucy nodded. “The guys filled me in.”
“Right.”
“Anyway, I was hoping we could talk.” Her tone held hope and her eyes did too. “Privately, perhaps?” she added, as though her intent wasn’t already clear.
Lucy looked over in her direction, but she clearly wasn’t asking permission. Not that she needed to, but it still felt like betrayal when she waved the woman back behind the coffee bar, through the door, and into the kitchen area. Through her anger, Sam listened to the other cops snicker among themselves, making jokes about how some things never changed. One of them turned to her before he passed through the door on his way out. “Hey, tell your boss thanks for the joe.” She wasn’t sure why she nodded in response.
Her blood pressure began its steady incline as the minutes passed and there was no sign of Lucy. She glared at the lackey cop waiting for his boss even though none of whatever was happening was his fault. He must have felt her ire though because he excused himself to wait outside, crossing his arms over his chest as he virtually stood guard in front of the door.
When they finally emerged, Dani first, Lucy just behind her, they were both silent. Lucy stayed behind the counter but the other woman headed straight for the door. Just before she left, she turned and said, “Think about it, Lucy,” before she opened the door and was gone.
Thirty seconds passed and Lucy said nothing. She gave no apology, no explanation. Sam waited until she saw the white-and-blue patrol car pull away before she spoke.
“Are you kidding me?” she asked. When Lucy responded with a blank stare, she controlled the anger in her voice, but just barely. “What was that?”
Lucy took a deep breath and leaned against the prep counter behind her. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”
“Well, that’s good. Because it looks pretty fucking terrible.” She didn’t care that she was being harsh. Lucy’s actions were rude and hurtful. She wanted her to know in addition to taking her by surprise, she’d also upset her. “Care to enlighten me on your private meeting?”
“Calm down, Sam.”
“I think I’m being very calm in light of the situation.” Her pulse was racing. “What the hell, Lucy?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“Fantastic. Because what I think is that Miss Hotshot Cop there”—she pointed sharply toward the door—“is your ex. And I’m pretty sure she was here to get you back.”
Lucy let out a heavy sigh but couldn’t meet her eyes. “It’s not quite that simple.”
“Come on, Luce.” She heard defeat in her tone as she pressed the base of her hands against her forehead. She took a minute to try to gain her composure but she just got angrier. “Fuck, I want to be wrong. I want to believe that my girlfriend would not escort her ex into the back room right in front of my face.” She tapped the base of a fist on the edge of the counter. “I also want to believe there was a real good reason you didn’t bother introducing me to any of your old friends. They think I’m your employee, by the way. That’s an awesome feeling,” she added sarcastically. “You know the worst part?” She stood and started backing away. “I actually believed I was more to you than just some person you’re sleeping with.” She bumped into a chair and almost knocked it over. “I guess not,” she said righting it quickly. “Because that, the way you treated me just now? That’s how you treat a fuck buddy. Believe me, I would know. But let me just say this.” Her hand was on the door handle but she made eye contact from across the room. “Even when I’m away on business, I go out of my way to stay away from my project manager after hours.” She rolled her eyes at her own foolishness. “God, these days, I don’t even go out for drinks with my team, just to avoid any uncomfortable interactions or anything that could be misconstrued as flirting. I do that out of respect for you, Lucy. And you’re not even there.” She shrugged as she stood in the open doorway. “I guess we’re just not on the same page.”
Sam waited for a second. Whether she was hoping for Lucy to ask forgiveness or beg her to stay, she wasn’t sure. It hardly mattered, because Lucy said nothing.
*****
It was almost nine. Sam tossed the controls aside and pushed off the leather couch in her parents’ finished basement. She’d purposely let herself fall down the rabbit hole playing Outback Outlaw on her nephews’ gaming system that was hooked up to the gigantic flat screen. The constant shoot-outs made it easier to avoid Lucy’s texts that had been coming through steadily since she left the shop. They were all apologies and were probably heartfelt, Sam thought, even though texting dulled any emotion that might actually be present.
Sam knew this wasn’t an end-of-relationship kind of fight, but she hadn’t yet responded because she was still raw. Only now, hours later, was she finally coming down. She should probably send a message. At least answer one of the texts. Padding across the floor she searched behind her father’s bar hoping for something to take the edge off as she figured out what she wanted to say. She’d tried a beer earlier but couldn’t get past the first sip. Behind the oak bar, the selection was expansive but still nothing appealed. She leaned her elbows against the smooth bar surface and rested her head in her hands. Today sucked.
She heard her phone vibrating across the room, and when she looked over saw that it was Lucy. A phone call. That was…direct. Without taking time to overthink it, she walked over and answered.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” Lucy’s voice was sweet and she sounded relieved Sam had answered. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”
“Luce—”
“Please, listen to me for a second. I know you’re ignoring me. And rightfully so, I guess.”
“I just needed a minute. That’s all.”
“I want to give you as much space or time as you want. Honestly.” She heard a siren in the distance echoing through the phone. “But I need you to know…what you said today, it’s not true.” The siren got louder and sounded close by. “That’s not how I think of you.”
Sam nodded even though Lucy couldn’t see her. “I know.” She sank into the couch and put her feet on the edge of the coffee table.
“You have to believe me.” Lucy sniffled a little and Sam wondered if she was crying. “Can I see you?”
She wanted to say yes and race right over to Lucy’s apartment, kiss her face, forgive her on the spot, but it seemed pathetic. Plus she was wearing beat-up sweats and a worn-out baseball tee. She could use a shower, a change of clothes at the very least. She found her dignity. “I’ll come by in the morning, before I go into the city.”
“I don’t want to wait that long to talk to you.”
She almost caved, but resisted. “We’re talking now.”
“I want to see you. I need you.” There was a pause. “I get it if you don’t want to be with me tonight. You need a break. I respect that. Can I come inside? Or, better yet, just come out for a minute.”
“What?”
“I’m kind of outside your house.”
“You are?” Sam took the stairs in twos, making it to her front door in under thirty seconds. Peering out the glass storm door she caught a glimpse of Lucy’s Nissan Rogue across the street. She pushed the door open, not waiting for an answer. “Come here, park in the driveway.”
Sam ended the call without saying good-bye as Lucy pulled in behind her Tahoe. She opened the passenger door and sat down next to Lucy.
“Sorry I’m a mess,” Lucy said, smoothing her hair back off her face.
Sam fanned over her sweats and tee. “Right there with you.”
“I’m not stalking you, I swear.” Lucy shifted in her seat, and the glow of the gold streetlight framed her beautiful face. She let out a nervous laugh. “Okay, maybe I am a little.” She rubbed her palms against her jeans. “Are you still mad?”
“It’s not that I’m mad.” Sam faced forward, her eyes glued to the back of her truck. Was that a scratch? “I don’t understand why you would treat me like that.” She pressed her head into the headrest and turned to look at Lucy. “You didn’t even introduce me. Not that I really care, but then when your ex came”—she dropped her gaze—“I just felt like a jerk.”
“Babe, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Lucy moved closer in her seat and placed her hand on Sam’s forearm.
“What happened today?” Sam asked.
“It’s not what you think.”
“She’s not your ex?” Sam’s voice was full of disbelief.
“No, she is, but it’s more than that.” She looked out her own window and let out a heavy sigh. “It’s complicated.”
“Luce, you’re here. I’m here. Talk to me.”
“There was a moment”—Lucy’s mouth hung open and she was clearly choked up—“more than a moment, when she could have saved my police career.” She jutted her chin. “She didn’t.”
“Lovely woman.”
“The incident at the police department, the accidental discharge, well, I was with her when it actually happened. I told you I wasn’t in the room where it happened. I was with Dani. She could have admitted that.”
“Why didn’t she?”
“She was off post. There would have been repercussions to her career, for one. Also, she was married.” She tilted her head to the side. “I can’t imagine that would have gone over well at home either.”
“Instead, you lose your job. That’s fair.”
“She apologized today. That’s why she wanted to talk to me. She knows she screwed me over.”
“A little late, no?” Sam’s question was snide and she waited a beat before asking what she really wanted to know. “What else did she say?”
Lucy’s expression told her that she didn’t need to be more specific. She didn’t even try to sugarcoat it. “She’s divorced now.”
“I knew it.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lucy reached for Sam’s hand. “I’m with you. I told her that.”
Sam raised her eyebrows. “She didn’t seem convinced.”
“That’s just Dani being Dani.” Lucy’s voice was flippant. Sam wondered if she was downplaying their relationship for her sake.
“But you loved her.” It was a question, even though she didn’t phrase it as one.
Lucy smiled and curled her lips. “No, I didn’t.” She tapped the bottom of the steering wheel with one finger. “That might make it worse,” she added. “But it’s the truth.”
“You took her in the back.” Sam crinkled her forehead, knowing her distress was on display. “God, Lucy. It killed me.”
“I know.” She hung her head in defeat. “I was thrown off by all of it. The guys. Dani,” she added. “It’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have done that.” She gripped the steering wheel at ten and two, chewing her cheek. “I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me. I can’t lose you over this.”
“You’re not.” Sam shook her head. “I’m just…it hurt.”
“I never want to hurt you.” She looked at Sam and touched her face, her hands stroking her cheekbones and jaw. “I love you, Sam.” She leaned forward and kissed her gently. “I am sorry. For everything today.”
“I know.”
“Come home with me.” Her finger traced Sam’s lips. “I need to be near you. I want to fall asleep in your arms.”
“Okay.” She didn’t need convincing. She wanted those same things. “Give me ten minutes. I have to go grab a suit and stuff—I have a big presentation tomorrow.” Sam opened the door but Lucy grabbed her forearm.
“Wait.” She looked nervous and her voice caught in her throat. “Can I ask you something?”
Sam pulled the door shut, meeting Lucy’s serious tone. “What’s the matter?”
“You said something today. Earlier. It’s been on my mind all afternoon.”
“What is it?”
Lucy looked down at her short fingernails. “This woman you had a thing with.” She looked out the window. “From your job.” She paused again. “Is she always with you when you’re away?”
Sam let out a long slow breath. It was a question she wasn’t expecting. “A lot, yeah.” She thought about it for a second. “Not always. But probably ninety percent of the time, these days.”
“Ouch.”
“Babe, there is nothing there. Trust me.”
“I know. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
Sam reached across the center console and took Lucy’s hand. “I’ll give you one, though.” She rolled her head against the headrest searching for the best way to put it. “It has nothing to do with anything other than we work well together. We have good click. Professionally, I mean.”
“Stop.” She squeezed Sam’s hand. “I trust you.”
“You should.” Sam rubbed Lucy’s hand with her own. “There was never anything there. The thing with me and—”
Lucy put her hand up stopping the conversation. “No. I don’t want to know. I can’t.” She waved both hands frantically. “I can’t know the details. I’ll harp on them.” She whooshed her hands through her hair. “Let’s just leave it alone.” She blinked long and hard. “I know myself. If I know too much, just trust me, I won’t let it go.” She turned, looked right at Sam, and frowned pathetically. “It’s a character flaw.”
“It’s okay.” Sam let out a half laugh.
“I probably sound crazy. Look, I know you’ve had a life before me. I get that. I just don’t need to know the specifics. God, I have no idea how Lexi does it.”
“What do you mean?”
Lucy shook her head. “Being with Jesse. Seeing Mary around all the time and knowing they were together. You know, like that.” She widened her eyes. “Like the way she is now with Jesse. I couldn’t do it. No way.”
“I’m surprised you know that story.”
“Lexi and I talk. She really went out of her way to include me when I moved here. Make me feel part of the community.” Lucy’s face softened at the recent nostalgia. “She knew my story, a lot of it anyway. I filled in the gaps for her.” Her mouth twisted to the side in a small smile. “She confided in me too. Probably just to make me feel comfortable.”
“She is one of a kind.”
“My point is, I couldn’t handle what she deals with on a daily basis.”
“No worries, there.”
“Sam, I know it’s your job to be around this woman. I respect that. Just promise me, okay?”
“Luce, look at me.” She waited until Lucy turned, and was silent for a second, hoping Lucy could see how deeply she felt about her. “You’re it for me.” She felt her mouth tweak up to one side. “I love you.” She flicked Lucy on the leg with one finger making an attempt at light humor in spite of the seriousness of the conversation. “Even if I have to beg you to hang out with me outside of your store or your apartment.”
“You don’t have to beg me.”
“I’m teasing,” Sam said, even though there was an air of truth to her comment.
“In a year or so I’ll be in a better place with the shop, I’ll have less overhead, make more profit. Hire more staff so I can keep better hours. Probably not in the mornings,” she added offhandedly, “but certainly I’ll be able to get away more.”
“Lucy, I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”
Lucy reached for the bottom of Sam’s shirt to pull her close, but Sam resisted, casting a look at the façade of the house.
“Is that not okay to do here?” Lucy asked, looking from the house and back obviously trying to assess the situation.
Sam rolled her eyes. “It’s fine. I mean my parents know. Obviously.” She indicated her body with one hand. “They’re just…not great about it.” She grimaced. “We have more of a don’t ask, don’t tell thing happening here.” She picked a piece of lint off the glove box. “It’s ridiculous, but it’s their house and I’m living here for free.” Rolling down the window, she let the fabric go in the warm breeze. “I hope you’re not mad I didn’t ask you to come in. It’s not that they’d be outwardly mean to you or anything. They would just judge you silently. Like they do me.” She zipped the window back up. “I have to endure it. You don’t need that nonsense.”
Lucy squeezed Sam’s hand. “I didn’t know.”
“It’s not tragic. They’re not bad people. They just can’t deal with me being gay. Actually, that’s not even it. They’re fine with the fact that I’m gay, in theory anyway. I mean, they are total libs, my parents. On paper, anyway. What they can’t handle is that I’m butch. It bothers them. They used to ask why I wasn’t more like Lexi. They thought I was trying to prove something.” She winked at Lucy. “You’ll do okay with them. The long hair helps.” She was hoping her situation came off not as dour as she knew it sounded.
Lucy frowned. “I shouldn’t have just shown up here.”
“How did you find me anyway?”
“You mentioned that your parents live across from the country club.” Lucy hid her smile. “I’ve seen your car just about every day for months. I know your plate. Force of habit,” she said lifting one eyebrow in explanation. “I was a cop for almost ten years.”
“You tracked me down?”
“Don’t make it sound all creepy.”
“It actually just sounds like a lot of work.”
“Not really. I knew the general vicinity. I drove around until I saw your truck.” Lucy picked a frayed fiber from the rip in her jeans. “It didn’t take me long at all. I spent more time around the corner trying to work up the nerve to call you.”
“Don’t ever do that again.”
“Come here? Okay,” she said, answering her question before Sam could.
“No.” Sam shook her head, smiling. “You can come here whenever you want. I told you that stuff just so you’ll know what the vibe is here. But you are always welcome.” She held Lucy’s hand and looked at her seriously. “Never, ever be nervous about talking to me,” she said, giving a little squeeze. “Promise me.”
“I promise.” She nudged Sam’s shoulder. “Now go get your clothes for tomorrow, so I can take you home and rip these ones off. Okay?”
“Sounds like a plan.”