Chapter Nineteen
The day of the luau boasted record-breaking temperatures. Factoring in the humidity, the heat index was in the midnineties by nine a.m. At three, Meg met Lexi and Sam to prep the grassy knoll area next to the pool and meet with their food and drink vendors, one of which just happened to be Lucy’s Coffee Bar supplying sugary treats and nonalcoholic fare. They stocked Bay West swag at a makeshift merchandise stand, along with floral and kukui nut leis, and ensured that all the tikis were filled with burn oil. Just under a half hour before the party officially kicked off, Meg announced she was running home to grab a quick shower. When Lexi rolled her eyes in obvious disapproval, Meg mimicked the gesture in playful response, citing her level of perspiration and promising to be back in fifteen minutes.
Just as she was exiting the party setup, she saw Sasha sauntering toward her in a short, breezy cotton dress.
“Party’s this way, I thought?” she said with a lazy smile.
Meg felt her cheeks pinch with a big smile. “You’re early.”
“I might have been hoping for some one-on-one time with a particular host,” she said in a lyrical tone.
Meg felt herself blush and looked down at her clothes, slightly disheveled from hours of work in the blistering heat. “Well, this host is a disaster at the moment.” She swiped at her damp shirt pulling it away from her body before snapping it back in place. “I was setting up all afternoon. I’m kind of a sweaty mess.”
Sasha gave her a complete once-over and ticked her head to the side. “I think you look hot. As in, like, hot-hot. I mean sexy-hot, not, you know, because of the temperature.” She covered her face with both hands. “Gah, talk about butchering a line.”
Meg laughed as she pulled Sasha’s hands away from her face. “You are cute, but I stink. I’m just going to shower quick. Go in,” she said, nodding over her shoulder. “Lexi is there and Sam. I’ll be right back.”
She got ready fast enough, toweled her hair dry, keeping it a shaggy mess with extra pomade, and threw on clean shorts and a fresh tee. She felt good and clean and ready for the night ahead. But just as she approached the luau’s entrance, Kam Browne pulled her aside.
“Meg, run up to the office in the Commons and get some change. We’re low on small bills already. If there’s nothing there, then hit the main business office in the rental section, that’s definitely stocked. Here’s the keys,” she said handing over a gigantic key ring. “They’re all labeled. I’m going to text you the safe combination now.” It was not a Please do this favor for me kind of situation. This was an order from her boss. Good soldier that she was, she zipped to the Commons, but just as Kam suspected, the safe was low on singles and fives, so she was forced to trek to the rental section and back which took a good chunk of time. The second she got back, the beer vendor recognized her as one of the organizers and as he hooked her up with an IPA, he informed her that one of his CO2 tanks was losing pressure. He had a backup in his van parked in the auxiliary lot, but with a busy bar and only one helper, he didn’t have the staff to retrieve it.
Meg pounded her drink and took another as payment for her services as she hoofed it across Bay West’s grounds to the overfill parking lot. Upon her return, she downed another drink, mostly from thirst, but as she watched the bartender fill her cup for the fourth time she remembered that she had hardly eaten all day. She should probably slow down. Taking the drink anyway she was about to turn around when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, you.” The familiar voice came from behind her and she turned, meeting Reina eye to eye.
Meg smiled, genuinely happy to say hello to her old girlfriend. “Reina. It’s good to see you.”
“Same, Meg.” She reached forward and pulled Meg into a nice embrace. “Teddy tells me you’re running things here at the development these days.”
“I wouldn’t say running them.”
“The way I heard it, you’re responsible for this party.”
“That’s kind of true, I guess.”
Reina raised her mostly empty drink. “Nicely done, Meg. Really.” Her smile was sincere. “This is a nice night.”
“Thanks, Reina.”
“You’re truly in your element here, Meg. I’m happy for you.”
Across the crowded bar, Meg saw Melinda eyeing them suspiciously as she fought to get her order in.
“Yeah, you too,” Meg said with a nod. “Speaking of, I should let you get back to your girlfriend,” she added.
“And you to yours,” Reina said with a wink as she gestured into the distance. Meg followed her eyes to the edge of the dance floor where Sasha was talking to a tatted-up andro chick. She didn’t bother to correct Reina’s assumption. Her tone was completely earnest and Meg didn’t know how to explain the state of in-between-ness that described her current relationship with Sasha.
She walked away, beer in hand, as a mix of emotions flooded through her. Trying to focus on the positive, she acknowledged that she was happy to have peace with Reina. Not that there had ever been any real fallout over their breakup, but it was still nice to feel completely content with the way it had all played out.
As she made her way toward Sasha, she couldn’t ignore how much it irked her to witness the blatant flirting that was going on. Sasha didn’t stop, even as Meg got closer. Fully annoyed, Meg continued walking right past, hoping to find Lexi or Sam or even someone who might give her another errand. She was almost at the Porta-Johns when Sasha caught up to her.
“Meg. Hey, Meg,” she repeated when Meg ignored her. “Wait.” She reached for her arm. “Are you avoiding me?”
“Sorry,” she said coolly. “I had stuff to do.” She looked past Sasha to the lines forming to use the facilities. “You seemed to entertain yourself okay.” She took a sip of her drink. “No surprise there.”
“What does that mean?”
Meg frowned keeping her eyes in the distance. “I’m gone for a few minutes. Working, by the way. And you’ve already moved on. Same old, same old.” She raised her cup in an odd toast to her sentiment, before taking another long swig.
“Look at me,” Sasha demanded.
“Excuse me?”
“I want you to look at me.”
“You want everyone to look at you. Me, Beau, Evan, that chick over there.” She gestured roughly with her cup and some beer spilled over the side landing with a splash on her foot. “That’s sort of the problem.”
“You’re mad that I was talking to a girl?” Sasha shook her head like she couldn’t believe it. “Meg, you’ve been gone for hours. Your friends are busy doing party stuff. Like you. When you didn’t come back, I just felt”—she fingered her floral lei—“a little in the way.”
“I’m so sorry to have inconvenienced you.”
“Stop, Meg.” Sasha touched Meg’s forearm. “That’s not what I meant.”
She withdrew her arm, crossing it over her chest. “Fine, whatever, Sasha. It doesn’t matter.”
“Why are you being like this?”
Meg laughed obnoxiously. “I’m not being like anything. Go.” She flicked her away with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Go back to your new friend, whatever her name is.”
“Meg, I’m here for you. I want to be with you.” She had tears in her eyes and her voice cracked a little. “You know I do.”
“That’s the problem, Sash. Even when you’re with me, I mean, who knows?” She shrugged. “I disappear for a second and boom.” She snapped her fingers. “Replaced, immediately.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is though. I mean, cheating on me with Scott last year was the ultimate betrayal but I’m not even talking about that. Or tonight when you decide to pick up a random while I’m doing my job.” She stuffed her hand into the pocket of her shorts, gripping her keys tightly. “Christ, even the fucking movie event at Lucy’s. I actually thought we had a date planned, but no. You were on a date. With Evan, apparently.”
“Meg, I didn’t even know about that. Honestly.”
“Sure you didn’t.”
“Really, I found out five minutes before we got there.”
Even though she was a little tipsy, Meg heard truth in her own words. All the fears she hadn’t wanted to own were suddenly impossible to ignore. It was as though her slight intoxication had lifted the lock of the dam and she was instantly flooded with the clarity to see her feelings and the courage to verbalize them.
“I can’t keep being your doormat.” She sniffled in spite of herself. “I won’t do it.”
“Gah, Meg.” Sasha held her forehead with one hand. “I get it. I know you have every right to doubt me because of what happened with Scott. And even before that when we were together”—she shook her head—“I was a jerk. Selfish and stupid. So worried what everyone thought. But then I lost you and none of that mattered. Like, at all.”
Sasha paused, and Meg waited. Sasha must have realized Meg wasn’t going anywhere because she took a deep breath and continued. “You don’t have to believe me. Honestly, I get why you’re scared. I am too. I watched you talking to your ex just now at the bar. Hugging her. Was I jealous? Heck, yeah. That’s life. I have spent the last, I don’t know, year?” She held her hand up, not bothering to calculate exactly as she continued. “Trying to figure out how to get you to talk to me, to look at me like you used to. I was thrilled when you asked me to watch TOTU with you. Not because it’s a sick movie, but because I thought, This is it. This is my moment. And then the second we get there Beau springs it on me that his friend is coming and is, like, down the street. I tried to explain all of this to you over text but you kept shutting me down. So I let it go. And then you texted and told me to come tonight and I was so relieved and excited because, once again, I thought, yes, it’s finally going to happen.”
Sasha turned back and forth in a small semicircle, her nerves clearly getting the best of her as she spoke. “But I can see you’re not ready. And it’s okay. It’s fine. But know this: I’m not giving up. Because I know in my heart you’re it for me.” She hugged herself, gripping both elbows. “Deep down, I think you feel the same. I could be wrong, I guess.” She wiped away the tears that slid down both cheeks.
“What we had”—she shook her head—“it’s not a given. Some people never find this connection.” She gestured back and forth between them. “Every song I hear reminds me of you. When I watched Game of Thrones this season, the whole time I’m thinking, gah, is Meg watching right now? I had to keep myself from calling you just to hear what you think is going on with Jon Snow. And, you know, whether I have a great day or a crappy day, you’re the one I want to talk to about it.” She let out a heavy sigh. “It sucks that I blew it last time. I hate myself for that.” She looked up at the stars. “I am so sorry for hurting you.”
Waiting a half a second, she met Meg’s eyes. “You have my word that nothing like that will ever happen again.” She crossed her arms and nodded, losing the fight to maintain her composure. “I understand that my promises probably don’t count for much, but I will prove it. But you have to give me the chance.” She pursed her lips, obviously still upset. She took a step forward and put her hand on Meg’s chest. “Don’t shut me out, okay?”
Meg nodded once, truly unable to find her voice as Sasha took a step away.
“I have to go,” Sasha said looking at the ground. “Not because I’m trying to be ultimatum-y or dramatic. It’s just too hard for me to stay right now.” She rubbed delicately at her face again, undoubtedly brushing away more tears. Her voice cracked desperately as she spoke. “Call me this week, Meg. Please?” she added as she backed away and out of Meg’s sight.
Meg tipped her head back and stared at the dark sky, trying to process what was happening. She was angry and sad and kind of confused, if she was being totally honest with herself. While she hadn’t quite admitted that getting back together with Sasha was what she wanted, she knew it was the truth. But she’d just let her go, when she could have asked her to stay.
The truth hit her right then, doubling her over, and she thought she might puke. Sasha was right. After all this time, the months of friendship and buildup to something more, a simple fact remained.
She wasn’t ready.