Chapter Twenty-one
Meg rested against the chain-link fence that enclosed Bay West’s tennis courts watching the paint crew work their magic on the exterior of the Commons. She had come out to check the status of the job per a directive from Kam Browne, but after a few minutes she found herself soothed by watching the long smooth strokes of the roller brush spreading glossy paint that both cleaned and covered the blemishes of the old building.
“Everything okay over there?” Jesse’s voice came from the path a few feet away. “You look extraordinarily deep in thought,” she said walking over to hang with Meg.
“Actually, I’m not thinking about anything at all.”
“Just watching the guys paint?”
“It’s oddly relaxing.” She broke her stare to look at Jesse. “Reminds me of when I used to watch my mother iron growing up. Anyway”—she shook herself from the memory—“what brings you over this way, cowboy?”
“I went for a run down on Bay Street, near the Alice Austen house.” She pointed off into the distance behind them.
“Beautiful day for it.” Meg looked up at the clear blue sky. “Better get all your running in now before your sole exercise is changing diapers.”
Jesse laughed low and soft.
“So are you ready?” Meg asked, her eyes still fixed on the workers.
“For?”
“Parenthood.”
Jesse smiled. “I wonder if anyone’s ever ready for parenthood,” she mused. “I’m excited, a little nervous.”
“Please, you guys will be great,” Meg said, affectionately bumping Jesse’s shoulder with her own. “Still not going to tell me if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“Sorry, kid. You’ll have to be surprised like everyone else.”
“Nah, I’ll break you before then.”
Jesse laughed at Meg’s slight air of confidence. “Congrats on your promotion, by the way. Lexi told me last night.”
“Thanks.”
“You really have been working like crazy. Chicago, Phoenix, and Seattle in the last two weeks. That’s a lot of jetting around.” She stretched her arms over her head. “I’m glad it paid off.”
Meg spotted a leaf falling from a tree and kept her eyes on it until it touched the ground in front of her. “Yeah, me too.”
Jesse waited a minute before she spoke. “How’s things with Sasha?”
“Haven’t seen her,” Meg responded, locking her eyes squarely on the scaffolding. “Busy, you know.”
“Sure, yeah. Of course.” Jesse toed a rock with her sneaker. “Think she’ll show tomorrow night at Mix and Match?”
It was a reality Meg hadn’t considered. Since their face-off a few weeks back, her communication with Sasha had seriously declined. Sasha had reached out to her several times early on but she’d been traveling steadily for work, and had used that distraction effectively as a stall tactic, keeping all her responses brief and generic. It had actually been a few days since they’d communicated. It was entirely possible Sasha had given up on Meg after all. But geez, would she really come to a singles event at Bay West?
“I doubt it.” She met Jesse’s serious expression. “I mean, maybe,” she said, reversing course immediately before shrugging her shoulders. “Who knows?”
“Why are you doing this, Meg?”
“Doing what?” Meg said sharply.
“Don’t get mad at me,” Jesse said. “I’m on your side.” She pushed her sweaty hair off her forehead. “You should let yourself be happy.”
“Was I really happy with Sasha?” she countered bitterly. “All the head games, the uncertainty. Living in the closet. Not to mention the cheating episode.” She picked up a fallen sycamore ball and whipped it at the tree a few yards away. “Doesn’t sound like bliss to me.”
“This self-imposed torture, woe-is-me routine doesn’t appear to be a blast either.”
“I’m just telling it like it is.”
Jesse shook her head. “No. You’re telling it like it was.” She folded her arms across her chest and bladed her body, putting all her body weight on one shoulder against the fence so she was looking right at Meg. “You can’t fake it with me. I know you love her. It’s blatantly obvious when you’re together. And kid, I understand your fear. Believe me, I do. Because yes, all that stuff happened. And it was terrible.” She touched Meg’s forearm, demanding her attention. “Even then, you didn’t stop caring about her. You shut her out. You moved on. Or tried to, anyway.” She put one hand on Meg’s shoulder. “Meg, I commend you for your willpower, your inner strength, your commitment to your own sense of self-worth. It’s truly admirable.”
Jesse gave her shoulder a small squeeze. “Look, I get it. Settling down, committing to one person, it can be daunting.” She smiled. “It’s the part that no one talks about. And you and Sasha are both so young. I can imagine how scary it is for you.” She looked over at a squirrel scampering down the long branch of a tree. “You want some advice?”
“Um, do I have a choice?”
“No.” Jesse laughed, before getting serious again. “When it’s right there in front of you, don’t push it away.”
“What, like, girls?”
“No, Meg. Love.” She let out a heavy sigh as though she was about to reveal an age-old secret. “You don’t know when, or if, it will come around again. I know you want a guarantee that it’s all going to be perfect and smooth and easy—”
“I don’t,” Meg jumped in, cutting her off. “I get that it’s hard and you have to work at it. But yeah, forgive me for wanting some assurance that it’s worth the risk. Is that really too much to ask?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, that’s too much to ask?”
“Yes.” Jesse nodded in support of her statement. She must have read the distress on Meg’s face because she continued. “Meg, we all want guarantees.” She held her hands up in a kind of surrender. “None of us gets them.” She dropped her shoulders. “That’s life, kid.”
Meg shook her head in disbelief. “But you and Lex, it’s different. You don’t worry about it not working out, do you?”
Jesse cast her eyes over at the maintenance crew still working away. “I suppose I don’t stress about breaking up.” She rubbed her chin as she considered Meg’s question. “It’s because I love her. And I believe in us.” Her hand brushed through the short waves atop her head. “I don’t think there’s anything we couldn’t get through.” She stretched her arms over her head. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” she said, putting her hands on her hips and rocking from side to side. “You love Sasha. She loves you. Figure out how you can trust her again. And just do it. Be happy.” Pulling each leg up one at a time, she worked her hamstrings, the final step to her cool-down. “I have to head home. You sticking around to see this project through?” she asked, nodding at the painters.
“For a few more minutes. They look to be almost done and it’s strangely comforting.”
“Kam Browne knew what she was doing when she singled out you and Lexi as the new show runners here. Can’t fault her there.”
“What?”
“Meg, she’s grooming you. Both of you. It’s almost endearing.” She grinned. “You know how I love giving her a compliment. But in this one particular case, I believe she made two excellent choices. So I can swallow my pride, I suppose.”
Meg smiled at Jesse’s meager humility. “I don’t know that you’re right about the grooming stuff.”
“Oh, I’m right,” Jesse said, her voice loaded with signature confidence. She started to turn away, but Meg saw an enormous smile spreading across her face. “Kid, I’m right about this. I’m right about Sasha. I’m pretty much right about everything.” She winked. “It’s funny, you’re just like me in so many ways. Pragmatic, logical. It’s why we’re successful.” She bounced off the fence and squared her body. “But Meg, relationships?” She looked up at the sky. “They’re not neat and orderly. And love, forget it. Makes no sense most of the time. Not to me anyway. And yet it’s amazing. The best feeling in the world. There really is no explaining it. But you know I’m right.” She pointed at Meg as she backed away. “Even if you don’t, you should just trust me,” she said, turning around and heading in the direction of her house. “And trust yourself. It will be worth it. You’ll see.” She waved over her head and disappeared into the distance as Meg got lost in the long, lean brushstrokes while she silently contemplated her future.
*****
Just over a day later, Meg stood inside the door of the Commons, a hint of the fresh paint coming in with the slight breeze reaching her post near the entrance. There was kind of a lull at this odd hour, just before eight o’clock, with most of the Mix and Match participants having already arrived and the regular social not slated to get under way for another hour. Meg watched the single women skirt each other, the room characterized by an energy that was a mix of hope and angst. In a little while the vibe would change completely when the room filled to capacity with lesbians from all across the spectrum—single, married, partnered, young, old, in between. Would anyone find love tonight? She sighed, knowing she would never know. But the thought filled her soul with optimism as she kept her eye on a cute pair that had been chatting steadily for the last thirty minutes. It was cheesy, she knew it, but the idea that this event or tonight’s social might have a hand in changing someone’s life forever gave her a sense of satisfaction that it was a possibility, however remote. Meg smiled, truly proud to be part of this night, this community, something so much bigger than the sum of its parts.
“That is a great smile.”
Meg recognized Sasha’s sweet voice before she turned to face her. She met her deep blue eyes and felt her heart pound as she tried to keep her voice steady. “Sasha.” She took in all of her, from her dark wavy hair, down to her tiny ballet flats. Her skinny jeans highlighted her slim figure, and the cowl-neck sweater perfected a casual, sexy look. She had to stop herself from staring. “Hi,” she managed, with a subtle shake of her head.
“Hi.”
“You’re early.” Meg stuffed her hands into her pockets. “The social doesn’t start for another hour or so.” Sasha’s face fell a little, and Meg realized her gaffe immediately as she stuttered out the words. “Shit. Sorry.” She swallowed past the sting in her throat. “You’re here for Mix and Match.” She reached for a name tag and started writing out Sasha’s name in black Sharpie.
“Meg, stop.” Sasha put her hand on top of Meg’s, momentarily stilling her action. “I’m not here for the dating thing.” She pulled her hand away and clutched her purse. “I wanted to see you. I thought we might get a few minutes alone before things got crazy.”
“Oh.”
“We haven’t talked at all since the luau.”
Meg put the cap back on the marker. “I’ve been busy with work,” she said, even though she knew the explanation was weak.
“I heard you got promoted. Congratulations.” Sasha’s smile was genuine and Meg felt her guard immediately soften.
“How did you know?” Meg asked, suddenly curious.
“I had lunch with Anne earlier this week. She told me all about it. She’s so proud of you, Meg.”
Meg knew she was blushing, but figured the dim lighting saved her. She looked at Sasha still standing in front of the table. “Why don’t you come in,” she said, tipping her head to the side as she waved her through. Despite their last interaction, Meg couldn’t resist the urge to talk to Sasha. Also, she thought an apology was probably in order. “I’ll get you a seat,” she said, trying to come up with the right thing to say, when something occurred to her. “Unless, I mean, you could go mingle if you want.” Meg shrugged as she sat down. “There’s no rules.”
Sasha sat down next to Meg, crossing her legs lazily. “No, I’m good.”
“Do you want a drink? I can text Sam to bring one from the bar. Or I could grab you one if you watch the door.” She started to get back up but Sasha put a hand on her thigh.
“Meg, stay.” She kept her hand where it was, giving her leg a gentle rub. “I just want to see you.” She licked her lips and smiled. “I missed you.”
Meg almost echoed the statement, but Lexi and Jesse appeared next to them, sliding into extra seats they brought with them, breaking the moment as they gave Sasha an enormous welcome. Sasha asked Lexi how she was feeling and Lexi took her hand in response, placing it on her belly so she could feel the baby bouncing around. For the next few minutes they made small talk about babies, and parenthood, and the holidays just around the corner before Jesse turned the conversation to Meg’s ascension up the corporate ladder at Sullivan & Son.
“Did you hear the kid here is now a senior associate?” Jesse said with a squeeze of support on Meg’s shoulders.
“I heard,” Sasha responded with a sincere grin. “Are we really surprised, though?” She pushed her hair off her shoulders. “You forget. I got to see her in action for over a year. She was basically running Sullivan back then.” Her eyes twinkled and Meg felt her pulse quicken at Sasha’s obvious affection.
“Here too,” Jesse said, taking a quick sip of her drink before she continued. “Between her and this one”—she winked at Lexi—“they’re set to take over this place.”
“Watch out, ladies, we’re just getting started.” Lexi clapped enthusiastically at her own statement. “I’m just kidding. It is fun though, isn’t it?” she crinkled her nose at Meg.
“It is,” Meg answered with a smile.
They were joined immediately by Sam who came equipped with a fresh bankroll of cash as they prepared to open the doors for the nine p.m. surge. The crowds came right away and both Sasha and Jesse stayed to help process the early rush of partygoers. Almost an hour had passed before there was a break at all, and Meg took the opportunity to secure the initial profits in the makeshift office downstairs in the Commons.
After counting out the cash and updating Kam’s old-fashioned ledger, Meg locked the money into a small gray box and put it away in the bottom right-hand drawer. She rolled her chair back from the desk, checked that the drawer was locked, put the keys in her pocket. She’d gotten up to return to the social when she saw Sasha in the doorway.
“Hey, you,” Sasha said with a small wave.
“Hi,” Meg said with some question in her tone. Why was Sasha here?
“I just thought I might steal you for a minute.” She leaned on one shoulder holding onto the doorway, almost lolling her body halfway in.
“You look exactly like when you used to come by my office at Sullivan before we’d cut out for lunch,” Meg said, her voice full of nostalgia at the memory.
Sasha met her smile. “Those were good days,” she said dropping her gaze to the floor.
“They were.”
Sasha nodded as she ran a finger along the metal door latch. “The party seems to be a success. Pretty crowded up there.”
“Definitely a good turnout.” Meg stepped around the desk but instead of leaving the tiny office, she leaned her butt against its front edge, less than two feet from Sasha. “Sam’s really on top of the marketing stuff, which is half the battle. Plus she had an in at Ladies First. She put me in touch with her connection and we got the whole thing off the ground. I think it’s going really well.”
“I’ll say.” Sasha turned her body so her back was flush against the door frame as she leaned on her hands. “I was watching some of the action upstairs though.” She sighed heavily. “When we were all chatting.” She fixed her eyes on a ceiling tile.
“How come you didn’t want to participate tonight?” Meg toyed with a pen from Kam’s desk. “In the Mix and Match.” She knew why she was asking. Something deep inside her needed to hear Sasha say it.
Sasha arched her eyebrows dramatically and waited a beat. “Are you really asking me that?”
Meg shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe?”
“I guess I could have.” She perched one foot on the back wall. “Technically, I am single.” She slid her hands in the front pockets of her dark jeans. “But I’m not on any dating apps. Because”—she lifted one shoulder—“what would be the point?” She smiled a little. “I came here for one reason tonight. One.” She held up her index finger in support of her statement. “So I’m not going to waste my time, or anyone else’s, going through the motions or pretending to be interested. I can’t fake it anyway.” She puckered her lips and shook her head. “I don’t want to. All my friends know. All yours do too. Probably half the people upstairs can see it. But in case it isn’t clear, Meg”—she looked right at her—“I choose you. Every time.” She tipped her head and smiled, seeming confident in her words even as she continued. “I remember the exact moment I was sure of you.”
“Yeah?” Meg managed, hearing her own voice crack with emotion.
“The day we walked along the West Side together. From my apartment all the way down to Battery Park City.”
Meg felt the corner of her mouth hitch upward. “After our first night together?”
“Yes.” Sasha’s cheeks reddened at her confession.
“You walked me almost to the ferry.”
“I begged you to come back and stay another night.”
“You didn’t have to beg,” Meg corrected her.
“I didn’t want you to leave.” She hooked her body inside the room and pressed her head against the wall. “God, I knew. I just knew. I felt it.” She smiled, almost to herself. “I was so in love with you already. It scared me half to death. I didn’t know how to deal with any of it. So I self-destructed. I ruined everything.” A small laugh escaped her as she bit her lip. “I want a do-over.”
“Sash—”
Sasha put both her hands up as she swallowed a smile. “The funny thing is I keep waiting, hoping almost, for, like, a hero moment. A chance to swoop in and save the day, really show my level of commitment. So you would actually see how much you mean to me. I imagine something big and grand gesture-y, like in the movies. But, no luck.” She squinted one eye closed. “I’m assuming both your kidneys are in good shape?”
Meg couldn’t help but laugh in response.
“Fine, have it your way.” She shrugged playfully. “You’ll just have to deal with me being around, then. Because Meg, I love you. I have for a really long time. And I’m not going to stop. I know, well I don’t know, but I truly believe that you love me too.” She pushed off the wall with her foot and her face wore an expression that was a little defiance mixed with hope. “I take it back,” she said. “I do know it. In here.” She covered her chest with one hand. “It’s you, Meg. You’re my person.”
She turned to leave, but Meg didn’t let her go. She reached out for her hand but caught her forearm. She let her fingers drift all the way down until they touched Sasha’s and she guided her forward. Meg said nothing, she simply leaned in and kissed Sasha gently over and over, until their lips parted and the kiss was real, and deep, lovely and emotional, brimming with the promise of more. Meg brought her hands up to Sasha’s cheek, touching it softly. She smiled, bringing their foreheads together, her lips grazing Sasha’s as she spoke.
“I love you.”
Sasha rushed both hands through Meg’s thick hair, grabbing on to the short top with a tug. “Thank fucking God.”
“Stop it,” Meg teased her with a kiss. “You knew it all along.”
“The hell I did.” Sasha raised her eyebrows and drew in her lower lip. “I wanted you to. I love you so much.” She shook her head emphatically. “I’m still sorry, Meg. For everything.” She peppered Meg’s face with baby kisses. “I’m going to spend forever making it up to you.” Her mouth brushed against Meg’s cheek.
“Starting now,” Meg said, turning ever so slightly so their mouths met in perfect accord.
They stayed right where they were, holding each other, as they made up for a year of lost kisses until an affected cough got their attention. When Meg opened her eyes, Kam Browne was at the door, so close that Meg could only wonder how much she had witnessed and heard.
“Sorry, girls,” she said through clenched teeth. “Just wanted to lock up some more money.” She kept her head down as she opened the desk. “This event is a huge success, Meg. The room is packed. Excellent work,” she added as she whipped out her ledger. She reached for a pen to make her notation as she talked. As if reading Meg’s mind she grinned. “I suppose now I’m going to have to give in to you girls and go electronic with my record keeping too.” She shook her head playfully and snapped the book closed. “I’d say we’re pretty squared away here. Lexi and Sam have things under control, if you want to cut out early.” She returned her pen to its holder and returned the book to its drawer.
“Thanks, Kam,” Meg said as she took Sasha’s hand and led her through the door. She tossed a look of gratitude over her shoulder as she exited and was genuinely touched by the sentiment in Kam’s smile and wink in response.
Despite their plans to leave, Meg and Sasha were met by their friends the second they reentered the main room. They dutifully made their rounds, and Meg checked in with all the girls to make sure they were settled before they finally made their way back to her house.
*****
“Are you sure you’re ready for this? It’s a big moment,” Meg said, sliding her key in the front door. “Make it or break it, some might even say.” Registering the slight trepidation in Sasha’s eyes, Meg smiled as she called out, “Spencer. Oh, Spencer,” but the cat didn’t come. “Cats,” Meg said with a huff as she closed the door behind them.
“Where’s her favorite spot?” Sasha asked. “I’ll go to her.”
“My room.”
Sasha headed up the stairs and Meg followed her into the bedroom, where Spencer was sprawled out across the spread, lazily stretching her legs as they entered.
“Look at you, gorgeous.” Sasha crouched down next to the bed and held out her hand for Spencer to inspect.
Spencer nosed her fingertips for a fraction of a second before pushing her jaw directly into Sasha’s hand. Sasha responded with ample petting and cooing as she moved to lounge next to Spencer on the bed. “I think I passed,” she said to Meg.
“What?”
“The test. Make it or break it?” Sasha added with a shift of her eyebrows. “I think I’m getting an A.”
“Oh, you think so?” Meg said, kicking off her shoes as she lay down in the spot next to Sasha. She moved her long hair and kissed the back of her neck, moving her hand under Sasha’s sweater to feel the smooth skin against the palm of her hand. Sasha turned onto her back and Meg leaned down over her. She kissed her, intending to be sweet and go slow, but Meg’s whole body got hot at once as she grazed her fingertips over the flesh of Sasha’s belly and watched her mouth drop open in response.
Sasha must have felt it too because she pulled Meg’s shirt over her head and her hands were already working on her belt. Meg leaned back and stood up off the bed, taking Sasha’s hand and lifting her up too. She slid her hands under Sasha’s shirt taking it off and letting it drop to the floor. She kissed the curve of her breasts above her bra and unbuttoned her jeans, watching them fall around her ankles as she kissed along her collarbone, her neck, and up to her lips. She unhooked Sasha’s bra and took it off, covering both breasts with the palms of her hands before she bent down to kiss them generously. Then she finished taking her own pants off, stepping out of them, and pulled back the bed covers. Thankfully Spencer got the hint and sprang off the bed and into the hallway. Meg shut the door behind her and slipped into bed next to Sasha.
“You okay?” she asked, running her hand along the curve of Sasha’s side.
“Of course,” Sasha responded. “Better than okay.”
“Good.” Meg leaned forward and kissed her. It was deep and intense and before she knew it, she was on top of Sasha, the center of her body between Sasha’s legs, their remaining clothes scattered somewhere in the sheets. Everything was both familiar and fresh at the same time. Sasha’s scent, a sweet mix of expensive soap and pure desire, the little noises she made when they kissed, the baby moans she let out as Meg slipped the first finger inside which increased when she added another, and finally the loud moans she’d nearly forgotten about when Sasha climaxed. It was followed softly, so softly it was almost inaudible, by Sasha breathing out her name.
When Sasha whispered, “I love you,” it was new, completely welcome, and it made Meg gush with excitement and need.
When Meg flipped onto her back, Sasha went with her, her cool lips kissing the soft spot between Meg’s chest and shoulder.
“I love these freckles.” She nuzzled in and Meg could feel her smiling against her skin. “I missed them.”
“What freckles?” she said, recycling an old joke. “I barely have any.”
“Right, I forgot,” Sasha answered, going along with Meg’s denial. She traced her lips along Meg’s chest and abdomen, and lower, tipping her head up as she teased, “I’m just going to check if you have any new ones.”
Meg answered with a suggestive eyebrow raise.
“You don’t know,” Sasha said, playful as she continued her way down Meg’s torso. Meg didn’t stop her, she wouldn’t dare. She’d been fantasizing about this moment for a full year. Now that it was finally happening she hoped like hell she would last more than thirty seconds. Feeling her hips arch uncontrollably as Sasha’s mouth reached her, she knew it would be fast. It didn’t matter, she reminded herself with an indulgent smile. Suddenly, they had forever.
*****
“We should get some sleep.” Meg’s speech was slurred with exhaustion as she held Sasha from behind, dropping light kisses on her bare shoulder.
“But look at that sunrise,” Sasha said watching the sky change colors through the bedroom window.
“One of these days, you know, when we can actually walk again, we’ll go down to the beach and check it out for real.”
“That sounds perfect.”
The whole night was as easy as this. Cuddling and caressing one another and talking with ease about their future. They rehashed some of the past too, dissecting mistakes they’d both made and coupling them with promises of open communication and a level of commitment that felt honest and new. When they were together, insatiably gratifying one other all night long, it was intense and sweet and perfect. The road ahead likely wouldn’t always be as smooth as the last twelve hours, but Meg was sure of one thing: Sasha was her person. She hadn’t ever really thought about it in those terms before Sasha had said it so simply, so succinctly, the night before.
Sasha took Meg’s hand and rubbed her lips over her knuckles. The gesture was sexy and comforting and Meg could almost feel her heart rate slowing as she started to drift off.
“Before I forget,” Meg said, “we’re meeting the girls at Lucy’s at ten thirty.”
“Fun. Should I set an alarm on my phone?” Sasha asked, reaching for it off the end table before Meg answered.
“Mmm, yeah. Probably,” she muttered, losing the battle to stay awake.
“Good night, babe. Or, technically, good morning,” Sasha corrected herself as she put her phone down and curled her body into Meg’s, nestling in for sleep. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Meg smiled soundly as she fell into a world of dreams that didn’t hold a candle to her reality.