Chapter 38
Lily
The best of the 70s blares through the pub. Sammie and her husband appear to be beating Isla and her fiancé at an ultra competitive game of darts. Meanwhile, Faith and her man are on the dance floor making out and slow humping the heck out of each other, giving zero fucks about the fact that they’re creeping out the other patrons of Flynn and Murray's Irish Pub.
This is how the good folks of Reyfield get down on a Saturday night.
I sit alone at the bar sipping on club soda and feeling out of place. Just when I thought I’d found my spot in life, I realize that once again, I was wrong.
“Oh Jakob…” I mutter into my drink.
Something has changed between us since that fight we had the other night. I thought we had been growing closer. But now I'm starting to wonder if that was just wishful thinking on my part. I mean, did I really expect him to fall for me? As if relationships weren't complicated enough on their own, I'm carrying another man's child.
Maybe he had a pregnant woman fantasy or a stretch mark fetish for a minute. But whatever it was, it's waning now and he's drawing away from me.
He hasn't invited me into his bed in three nights now and he keeps his distance from me at the dinner table. I’ve felt too wounded to bring it up. What am I supposed to say anyway? "Hey Jakob, I know that I'm a gestating whale but aren't you interested in seeing me naked anymore?"
Pregnant ladies begging for sex? That’s not a thing.
I’ve wanted so badly to tell him about what the doctor saw on the ultrasound but I can’t bring myself to do it. My baby has a heart defect. I’m terrified and sad. I lie in my bed at night, caressing my belly and crying. The doctor is suggesting heart surgery. He said that we can wait until the baby is born or we can perform the procedure in utero. He listed off a bunch of pros and cons. How do I make this decision? I hardly understand a thing that he said because I was so knotted up with anxiety.
How am I supposed to pay for this surgery? How am I supposed to work and care for a sick child?
How am I supposed to face this alone?
Things between Jakob and me have fallen apart and even if they hadn’t, I would never expect him to take on the responsibility of a sick child that isn’t even his. I can’t depend on him. I can’t depend on anybody. I’m in this on my own.
I’ve got to figure it out. I’ve got a little person in my belly who’s depending on me. So tonight is my night off and I'm here at Flynn and Murray's, drinking soda water alone in between pee breaks and stressing the fuck out.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a figure lean on the counter next to me. "Hey Lily."
I glance over and find myself staring into Daniel’s face. I still haven't gotten over how handsome my brother-in-law is. Too bad he’s obviously a dick.
Oh, you couldn’t honor your commitment to take your wife on a date but here you are at the bar on a Saturday night.
"Hey." I say uninterestedly, eyes straight ahead. I don’t know the guy but after the pain I saw on Grace’s face when he stood her up last week, I’m not interested in getting to know him.
“Enjoying your Saturday night?” he asks as he stumbles onto the stool next to me.
Eyes straight ahead. “Yup.”
He sort of chuckles when I don’t add anything else. “I'm not having a good time. I’m actually just heading out."
“Mmm…”
He leans close and lowers his voice. “Can I tell you a secret?” I lift a shoulder and let it slump back down, not really caring what he’s about to say. “I only came because I thought I might see Grace tonight."
My eyes shoot over to him and narrow in on his face but I don’t say a thing.
He sort of chuckles. “Don’t act to so surprised. I know I came across as a bad guy because I had to cancel on her at the last minute but I really did want to take her to the theatre that night.”
“Then you should have taken her to the theatre that night,” I state simply. I have a hard time imagining what client or project was important enough to keep this man from his wife when she agreed to give him the second chance he claims that he’s so desperate for.
“Fuck — I can’t believe I hurt her again…” he mutters woefully, “She won’t even take my calls now…She wouldn’t talk to me when I went to drop of Sebastian the other day…” The faint scent of beer on his breath wafts over to me. “I’m a fucking jackass.”
I glance over at him. He looks haggard and sleep-deprived. He shoves his hands into his messy brown hair then drags his fingers down his face looking absolutely dejected. Yes, he’s handsome but he looks miserable and tired.
“I keep fucking up when she needs me…”
I glare at him. “You say it like it’s something you have no control over. Like you have no choice but to disappoint her.”
He shakes his head. “I know it looks one way from the outside but there are things that have happened between me and my wife. Things nobody knows about. Things we haven’t shared with anyone. Things that were eating away at us.” My eyes soften on him. “I just want to move past this hard part and get back to the part where she loved me.”
I glance around at Grace’s group of friends. Isla’s eyes are on me and I suddenly feel really uncomfortable, like I’m intruding on my sister’s privacy. “Are you sure you should be telling me this?”
Daniel seems to snap back to himself, staggering back a little. “You’re right,” he says. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” He mumbles an apology as he slips into his jacket. “Sorry for putting you on the spot…” He raps his knuckles against the counter. “Yeah well, I might as well leave. I have a long walk home since Keeland snatched my car keys once I got to my fourth beer.” He chuckles.
He’s about to head for the door when I stop him. “Daniel — wait.”
He turns to look at me.
“How is it that a man can clearly be in love with a woman and still just fuck it all up?”
He sighs. “Loving someone is scary, Lily. Truly putting yourself out there and leaving yourself vulnerable. The prospect of having it all fall apart after you’ve invested yourself completely into a relationship, that’s scary…Even for a big, strong man.” He flexes his muscled arms in jest. I laugh softly.
Well, I can relate to that. I understand how terrifying it is to give your heart to someone and not know what they’re going to do with it. That’s how I feel about Jakob and, on some level, I think that’s how he feels about me too.
My heart fills with sadness. Not just for myself and Jakob, but for Daniel and Grace, too. “For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you…” I can’t help it. He’s a charming guy. And puppy dog eyes look good on him.
"Do you think it's too late for us?” he asks in a desperate tone. “Have I completely fucked up?"
I don’t know enough about their relationship to throw in my two cents and I definitely don’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing. “With the state of my love life, I really am the last person who should be giving an opinion on other people's relationships."
Curiosity crinkles his brow. ”What's the state of your love life?"
I cringe as I take stock of my life. "I'm pregnant by the biggest douche in the Western Hemisphere —"
He interrupts me. "That's a pretty big title. I know a few candidates in the running." He points both thumbs at his own chest.
I laugh. "No, my baby daddy is Lord of the Douches." I assure him.
Accepting defeat, he shrugs.
“He’s not interested in being a father right now, but what if this kid turns out to be some prodigy or a genius down the line? How do I know Trevor won’t pop up then?”
Daniel nods, instantly understanding my concern.
I continue my griping. “And I just found out that my baby is sick…”
His face goes solemn. “I’m so sorry, Lily. I am.”
Nodding, I fend off my tears. “Meanwhile, I'm in love with another man who shuts out the world and seemingly has no access to his emotions.” I sigh heavily.
“Who? Wilkinson?" he chuckles bitterly.
Surprise shoots through me. I cock a brow. “How do you know about—?"
He lifts his shoulder with a grin. “This is Reyfield. Word travels fast around here.”
I give him a weak smile.
“Can I make a suggestion?” he says. “And, I’m a lawyer by the way. Not just some drunk guy talking shit at a bar." He smiles, holding out a hand defensively in front of him.
I laugh. “What’s your suggestion?” I ask, taking the bait.
“Why don’t you get married?” he slurs.
Both of my eyebrows dart up. “Get married?”
He nods confidently. “Get married.”
“To who?” I ask incredulously.
His eyes narrow in on me like he thinks I’m stupid. “To Wilkinson, silly.”
“Uh, did you not hear the part where I told you that he’s been shutting me out?” I ask sarcastically. I rotate my swollen ankles, hoping to relieve some of the soreness. “And what would that accomplish anyway?”
"Illinois law states that when a married woman gives birth to a child, her husband is automatically presumed to be that child’s father. No questions asked. The child’s biological father would then have a hell of an uphill battle rebutting the presumption of paternity. With a sick baby, the last thing you need is your ‘Lord of the Douches’ baby daddy coming and sniffing around, just adding stress to an already stressful condition.”
I let the information roll around in my head. In an ideal world, it would be the perfect solution for me…Then again, in an ideal world, I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.
"Thanks for the inventive solution, Daniel. But I really don't see that as an option.” I bring my glass to my lips and take a sip of my soda water.
He teeters off of his chair, angling toward the door. “Hell, what do I know? I’m fucking drunk and depressed right now. I’d better get going before I give any more terrible legal advice. Good night, Lily. And good luck.”
I watch him as he staggers away. “Good night and good luck to you too, Daniel.”