Chapter 49
Lily
I sit on the porch bench and yank on my boots (which isn't as easy as it sounds since my stomach has ballooned over the past few days). I waddle down the stairs and along the dirt path toward the pig pens where Jakob holds the gate open for the swine to wander off into the pasture. “Go on. Go on, boy,” he prods a lazy one with a playful slap on the back.
The stench of animal poop travels on the air and I smile to myself because, despite the horrendous stink, it still feels like home.
When he looks over and sees me coming, he takes off his gloves and rinses off his hands before turning off the water. I watch him pull off his hat and trudge up the grass-framed lane toward me.
His eyes are guarded and his demeanor is restrained. One look at him and I can tell he's ready for a fight. A realization hits me square in the chest. He's changed his mind. About us. About being a family. He's going to fight me off.
No. Please. Let me be wrong.
When we’re arm’s reach apart, he holds out one hand as if to keep me at bay. "Look, Lily. I'm sorry, okay?"
"No, Jakob..." I already feel the tears tingling at the corners of my eyes.
"It was a mistake for me to come out to Philadelphia and make promises to you, promises I can't keep —"
"No, Jakob. No."
His voice rises above mine. "I'm neck-deep in shit over here. Literally." He gestures at the pig pen. "My bills are piling up. My grandmother is gonna need a physiotherapy and rehabilitation. The hospital is probably going to sue me for her healthcare bills. I have nothing to offer you, Lily. Nothing. I’m sorry.” Emotion bleeds from his eyes as he speaks. He looks away, snatching a tall blade of grass and ripping it to little shreds.
My heart is bleeding, too, because I just don't understand it. "Don't you still want me?" I ask in a hushed tone.
He comes closer. "Of course I want you," he whispers back and there's so much pain in his voice.
If he’s hurting as much as I am then I don't get it. "Why can't we just be together?" I reach for his hand and he pulls away. It hurts so much.
"Lily..." he groans, his eyes rolling upward in frustration. "I can't give you a life here. I thought I could but I can't. Keeping you here would be selfish of me. It wouldn't be good for you or for the baby."
"But you love me," I remind him. "You love me."
"It's not enough."
"It is."
Tears drip down my cheek. My heart is laid bare. I just want him to see that we can make this work. We’ll find a way to pay for the baby’s surgery. We’ll find a way to take care of his debt.
I know it cut him deep when I left and went back to work at Hectic. I was scared. I couldn't see my future so I ran back to what was familiar. That was a mistake. But right here, right now, standing on this plain in waist-high grass with my cowboy right in front of me, I’m confident that we can work through all of our problems. The only thing I'm scared of is not having this man in my life.
"I promise you, Jakob. I won't leave again." I clasp my hands over my heart, begging him, begging him to believe me. "I'm here. No matter what happens. You and Mini and this baby, we can be a family. Just say ‘yes’. Tell me you want this."
"It's not that simple."
"Yes, it is."
"I don't have health insurance. I don't have savings."
"We'll figure it out."
"What about daycare and baby monitors and car seats and all that?"
"I don't care."
"I can't afford designer purses and all that stuff you like."
"So what?”
"Lily!" His roar rips through the air.
I freeze before him, crying and trembling.
He throws his arms wide in complete abandon. "This is it, Lily," he yells gesturing at the farmland around us. "This is all I have to offer. Nothing else. No fancy cars or jewelry or any of that shit. All I have is this farm. And these dirty hands. So if that isn't enough—"
My heart pounds as I take wide strides closer to him, grabbing his wrists. "This is enough! Even if you lost this farm, if you lost every chicken and every tomato wilted on the vine. As long as I could have these dirty hands on my body—" I place a hand on his chest.”— and feel this big heart beating just for me, I'd be the happiest woman in the world."
He takes a long, shaky breath. “You’re not thinking clearly.” He looks away from me, unable to hold my gaze without breaking. “It must be your hormones.”
Don’t you bullshit me, Jakob Wilkinson. My hand goes to his face, forcing him to look at me. “You’re the one who said that family isn't about blood. Well, it isn't about money either. It's about love and being there for each other. I'm here, Jakob. I'm not going anywhere.”
His chest rises and falls roughly as a range of emotions cycle over his features. I should give him some time to think.
“I‘ve laid my heart out on the line. Now it’s up to you to decide if my love is worth a leap of faith,” I say quietly. “I’ll be in my bedroom. When you’ve made up your mind, let me know.” I turn, heading back up the path toward the farmhouse.
My knees shake under me. I put a hand on my belly and whisper soft words, reassuring my child that whatever Jakob chooses to do, we’ll be fine, we’ll make it. Because yes, I need him but I’m independent and strong and that’s not going to change.
When I’m halfway to the house, I feel his fingers circle around my wrist. He spins me around. My heart palpitates as I wait for his words.
He pulls me against his body and his lips come down on my forehead. “Of course you’re worth it, Sunshine. You’re worth it. And I love you.”