Present
I almost did something foolish. It felt like someone took a knife and gutted me when I walked in on Cass kissing that dipshit, Richard. I don’t even know him, but I hate him already.
It started my first night back in town when I saw him pawing at her, but tonight it was worse. I hated the way he touched her. Kissed her. Looked at her. Talked to her. Jesus, what is my problem? I knew she was with him, and it’s Cass—why does it even matter?
Picking up my phone, I tap the screen and wait for her to answer.
“Hello.” Her voice echoes from the other end of the line. Thank God.
“Laney, tell me about this Richard guy.”
“Pax, what in the hell are you talking about?” She sounds confused and distracted.
Feeling annoyed, I huff out, “Tell me about Richard. Tell me who, what, when, and especially, why Cass is with this guy.”
She whispers to someone, her voice muffled, and then she speaks to me. “What is going on Pax? Why all the interest in Richard? I mean—oh my god, are you jealous?” There’s a bit of shock and excitement in her voice.
“What? No! It’s just…I want to know because I don’t think I like him.” I’m trying to explain myself to her but am failing miserably.
“Dude, you are acting weird, but here is what I will tell you: Richard is a guy—nice when he wants to be, but mostly an ass. For whatever reason, Cass has put up with his shit for the last five years, and he has put up with hers. It’s been an on-and-off thing. As for why? That’s not a question I can answer, so grow a pair and ask her yourself.” She sighs. “God damn, this is weird. I’m hanging up now. Don’t ever call me again. Mkay. Love you. Bye.”
I hold my phone out and stare at it. She told me everything and nothing. What I heard is that Cass has history with this Richard guy, even if it has been inconsistent. History… Sitting on the side of the bed, I place my hands on my knees then lie back and stare at the ceiling.
The look on Cass’s face when I walked in was guilty; I can’t imagine what she saw on mine. It felt wrong seeing her kiss him, just like before, but tonight it physically hurt. Whatever it is I’m feeling, I can’t do it. I don’t want it.
I hear muffled voices coming from the living room and I can tell he’s angry. It appears Cass didn’t let him know I am staying here too; I wonder why. Squeezing my eyes shut, I remind myself that the why doesn’t matter. This is Cass.
Their voices grow quiet, muffled, less angry sounding. I shouldn’t be here. Why didn’t I turn around as soon as I walked in? Because I am an arrogant asshole, that’s why. I tried to make them uncomfortable. Dammit. She always does this to me.
Suddenly, I hear the door close. They must’ve left. Thank God. Now I can breathe again. I need to think about why I felt the way I did meeting him and how I’ll deal with it the next time I see him, because there’s no way in hell I’m going to be hiding out in my room every time he’s over here.
After a few minutes, there’s still no sign of them.
Deciding to head into the kitchen to make dinner, I get up and walk out of my room. As soon as I walk out, I see Cass, standing in front of the couch, facing me.
“Oh, I thought you and Dick left,” I say nonchalantly, taking a jab in the process. I never said I was mature.
“Stop calling him that,” she insists. “You’re doing it on purpose to get under his skin—I just don’t understand why when this is the first time you’ve actually met him.”
Neither do I. “Why would I do that?” Now I’m acting like an asshole to her, and I can’t even explain it.
She throws her hands in the air and starts to walk away. “Great, there’s the Pax I know. I can’t say I’m glad to see you again.”
“Whoa, whoa, what the hell is that supposed to mean?” Her words rub me the wrong way. I position myself a few feet behind her.
Whipping around, she steps toward me, pointing her finger at my chest. “It means I was beginning to think you may have grown up at least a little. I decided to let go of how you acted that night at my birthday party then again at Christmas, but you just can’t seem to let me be. It’s like you’re incapable of actually respecting me.” She is breathing hard, full of frustration and disappointment, and a bit of sadness clouds her eyes.
“Give me a break!” I shout. I can’t even explain why because I can see I’m hurting her and making things worse, which is what I want to do least in the world.
It’s like I lit a short-fused bomb—she explodes. “Aaaaahhhhhh, you’re such an asshole!” Her finger is now poking me in the chest, only annoying me more. The worst part is I don’t even think any of what I’m feeling is directed at Cass. Out of control is all that comes to mind.
Grabbing her wrist to stop her, I yell back at her, “Cass! Stop it! I’m sorry.”
“What is it? What? For some reason, I felt sorry for you having to see me kissing Richard, and I don’t know why. Why should it matter?” Cass’s voice starts to lose its fire and she relaxes her hand in mine.
Reaching a hand up, I place it on the side of her cheek, caressing it lightly. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I act like such an asshole sometimes.” It’s an apology, but it’s a bit halfhearted.
“It felt like we came to a new understanding this week. Things have been good,” she remarks.
Dropping my hand, I glance away before I reply, “I guess it bothered me a little, but he’s your boyfriend and—”
“But he isn’t,” she states, talking over me.
My head swivels back in her direction. She’s looking right at me, and now I’m confused. She can see it, and she sounds like she regrets saying those words.
“Richard and I are complicated. We’re not exactly together, and we’re not exactly apart,” she confesses. “We have a history, and right now we’re in an on period of our on-again, off-again relationship.” Cass explaining this to me is worse than Laney’s account of their relationship. It’s quiet in the room around us and she takes my hand again. My chest burns. “Why would it bother you, Pax?”
I don’t say anything, just allow my gaze to roam over her, hoping for the right words, hoping for some sort of justification for why seeing Cass with Richard felt wrong. Cass waits, her eyes begging me to find the right words too.
“You know what, let’s just forget it. I was just a little taken off guard. It didn’t bother me, I misspoke.” Her eyes lose some of the light shining in them. “Let’s not fight, Cass, okay?”
She peers at me beneath her lashes, her gaze never leaving my face.
“Yeah, sure…okay,” she replies, her voice sounding unsure.
“I was just going to make dinner, want some?” I ask her, hoping we can just pretend this conversation never happened.
Shaking her head slowly, Cass takes a step back. “Thanks, but no. I think I’m going to just go to bed.” Turning, she walks toward her room. “Good night, Pax.”
“Uh, yeah, good night, Cass,” I reply, a bit stunned and unsure of exactly where we stand now. It’s always two steps forward, one step back with us.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care, because damn if I don’t feel like shit right now.