Present
It’s been nearly twenty-four hours since I moved all of my things back up to my apartment, and it feels strange being in here. It doesn’t even really feel like home anymore.
I’m not sure if Pax is home yet from his meeting, but I walk down the stairwell to Laney’s apartment.
Instead of knocking, I use my key to go in because if he’s not home, I’m just going to wait for him, but when I enter, I hear him talking in the living room. He sounds nervous and a little upset.
I walk quietly through the foyer, stopping at the edge of the living room.
He doesn’t hear or see me because his back is to me; he’s on the phone and he’s pacing in front of the window.
“Mitch, I know you gave me an extra day, but I need more time to consider your offer,” he says into the phone. He sounds upset so I remain quiet. “Of course, it’s exactly what I always wanted, I just thought I had a few more years.” An uneasy feeling settles in my stomach. What is he talking about? I should let him know I’m here, but I remain quiet. Paxton pauses then says, “I only just moved home, I…some things…yes, I understand you need an answer. Yes…Yes…No, of course not. When do I need to leave?”
I don’t mean to do it, but my hand flies to my mouth and a loud gasp slips past my lips.
Paxton swivels around, his eyes widening when he sees me. He starts to walk toward me. “Cass…”
Dropping my hand, I take a step back. I feel like I might throw up when the question leaves me. “You’re leaving again?” I take a step back and turn for the door. I need to get out of here.
Paxton matches every step of my retreat and I hear him say, “Mitch, I need to call you back.” As I pull the door open, his voice is almost right behind me. “Cass, please wait. Let me explain.”
I run out the door, slamming it behind me. I don’t wait for his explanation. I only know I need to get away from him. How could I do this to myself? How could I let him in again?
“Cass!” I hear him shout as I run up the stairway—he’s just behind me.
When I enter my apartment, I shut the door, locking it behind me and sliding to the floor. That’s when the dam breaks and the tears flow. I wrap my arms around myself, trying desperately to hold myself together.
A moment later, Paxton tries opening the door, and when he realizes it’s locked, he begins banging on it. “Cass, please let me in!”
“Go away, Paxton. Please just go away,” I beg through my tears.
“Let me explain. It’s not exactly what you think. I was going to tell you tonight, was going to talk to you,” he pleads with me.
“Go away, please,” I cry, a tiny sob escaping.
“Jesus, Cass.” I hear him slide down to the floor on the opposite side of the door, and his voice sounds closer when he speaks again. “Please, let’s talk about this. They offered for me to head the office in London.” His confession pierces my heart; it’s exactly what I thought.
Through tears, I ask, “When did they offer you this job, Pax? Before or after?”
“God, what does it matter?” he asks, desperation clear in his voice.
“It matters,” I say plainly.
“After our first night and before our second. I asked them for time to think. I wanted to talk to you about it, but when I came home and saw you lying on the couch, I just wanted another moment without big decisions between us. I wanted to enjoy just being with you. I wanted…I want you so badly. I’ve wanted you for years, and I finally gave in to my attraction to you. I just wanted it without being pulled in a different direction, even if it was just for one night. I planned on talking to you tonight.”
I hiccup, putting my face in my hands. After a moment, Pax says my name. “Cass?”
Standing up, I open the door. Paxton jumps up and rushes me, pulling me into his arms, but I don’t hug him back. When he pulls back, he looks at me questioningly and says my name again. “Cassandra?”
Shaking my head, I pull away. “It’s your dream.” More tears quietly stream down my face.
He reaches out for my hands, taking them as he tries pulling me toward him. “So are you. In some strange way, you always have been.” His confession sparks a little hope, but the reality of our current situation and our past doesn’t allow it to become a flame.
“No, you were always mine.” My confession is real and raw. It hurts because I know I’m not going to let him give up this job for me, and he’ll be thankful that I don’t ask him to. “Take the job, Pax. It’s what you always wanted, and I can’t let you resent me for making you choose.”
“God, Cass, no,” he chokes out, tears forming in his eyes.
“I want you to leave—please leave,” I ask him, almost begging. He shakes his head no, denying my request. “Leave!” I shout, pushing him toward the door.
His shoulders fall when he realizes he isn’t going to convince me. Turning for the door, he only looks back when he goes to close the door behind him. He looks like he might say something, but then starts to shut the door. He stops just before it’s closed and whispers through the crack, just loud enough for me to hear him, “You felt like home, Cass.” Then he’s gone.
A sob escapes and I stare at the closed door, trying to remember how to hate Paxton Luke instead of loving him.