Present
When I wake up with a slight headache from last night’s shots, I can only think about one thing—Cass—and that’s unacceptable. I won’t be a fool. She’s with Richard—hell, he’s probably curled up beside her as I lie here. The thought causes a shooting pain through my skull, so I pull myself up and start my day.
My mom calls, and from what I can tell, there are no signs of Cass or her friend, no sounds coming from the living room, so I decide to venture out of my room.
I move around the apartment, listening to Mom tell me about the party the Fredricks had last night and how Dad and Mr. Porter had a few too many glasses of wine. Stopping in front of the window, I think about my own overindulgence and how I made a mistake with Cass. Sure, I’ve teased her with a kiss before, but this time was different. She knew it, I knew it, and neither of us can take back what almost transpired.
Now, all I can do is try to figure out a way to move forward, get past it, and still live with her. I will just need to start looking a little harder for my own place.
When I turn around to find Cass silently watching me, I freeze. My god, she is so beautiful. There is an awkwardness between us now. I wonder what she’s thinking, but I’m not ready to ask, not ready for that conversation to happen because I need to think. I need time to think. I can tell she wants to press the subject, wants to talk now, and more than anything, I can see the hope in her eyes for everything to just be normal between us—our new normal. I just don’t know if I can give that to her, so I point to the phone, smile, and turn back around as casually as I can.
I still feel her watching me and almost as soon as she goes into the kitchen, I go hide in my room, pretending I’m not hiding at all and pretending I’m not a coward.
Currently, I’m trying to keep myself busy doing completely trivial things to pass the time. I know Cass, and she’s waiting for me. She decided we need to talk—I saw it in her eyes—but I’m not ready.
Pulling me from my thoughts, my phone begins vibrating on the bed next to me.
Without thinking to look at it first, I tap the talk button. “Hello,” I answer, my thoughts still on this situation with Cass.
The voice on the phone is not exactly the ideal person for me to be talking to if I want to try to get my mind off the person I’m living with.
“Hello big brother.” She sounds like she’s up to something, and I don’t like it because it means I’m most likely going to end up with a bigger headache than I already have at the moment. “Happy New Year.”
“Hey, Laney.” I greet her with the hope we can divert the conversation from whatever direction she hopes this is going to take. “Happy New Year. How was your night?”
“I worked.” There is a bit of edge to her voice. “And yours?” she asks, quickly changing the subject.
Thinking about my night, I decide to keep my answer as simple as possible because this is Laney—she notices all, and she pounces like a lion hunting its prey until you’re completely incapacitated and under her control.
“It was good, low key—went out with Matt to a bar nearby,” I answer, hoping my answer will satisfy her. It doesn’t.
“Hmmm, well that seems incredibly boring and uneventful, yet I got the impression from Cass that I missed something big.” Her voice remains calm, but there are implications hidden behind every word. I need to think about who I’m talking to before I respond.
My answer needs to be calculated because she’s looking for a weak point in my apparently vague description of my night. Do I tell her I almost kissed Cass? Do I tell her it was different this time? That is wasn’t just to patronize and annoy her but something else I’m not willing to evaluate?
“Really?” Nope, that’s not gonna do it. She’s going to destroy me with a response like that. “I—”
“Jesus, Pax, what did you do? No wait, don’t tell me.” She doesn’t sound particularly happy to be talking to me.
“Lane, I—” I begin to say, but again she interrupts me.
Releasing a long sigh, she says, “What is going on? Don’t fuck up. This is Cass. I don’t think I need to say more to you. This. Is. Cass. And that’s all I’m going to say on the subject.”
“I know.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say. She doesn’t want me to say more anyway.
I can hear the unwilling smile on her face through her voice. “Yeah, I know you do, I just hope that’s enough.” We don’t speak for a moment then she finally says, “Bye Pax. Love you.”
“I love you too.”
I let her hang up first. Her call didn’t help; it only made the situation worse because everything I feel is at war. I need to get out of here. I need time to prepare for the battle.
Walking to my door, I peer out and see no sign of Cass—she must have finally given up. I quickly sneak through the living room and out the door. Avoidance is always best until you can find a way to deal, and I have no idea how I’m going to deal with this.
When I make it down to the street, I release a breath I’ve been holding for what seems like hours.
I walk on the sidewalk, trying to decide the best way to sneak in and out until I know what to do or until I’m over it. It shouldn’t take too long. Maybe a way to get over it is a night out with Matt. It’s midafternoon, but there’s no reason we can’t start early.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I pull up Matt’s number and tap it. “Dude, are you up for a little day drinking and some food?” Food sounds good. Drinking sounds great. Thinking doesn’t seem like a very good idea at all. “Yep, meet you at the same bar as last night in twenty.”
Hanging up the phone, I realize this is the only way I’m going to stop thinking. Thinking right now is dangerous, so I’m not going to do it. Instead, I’m going to drown the thoughts of Cass and me away, even if I regret it tomorrow.