Present
Walking slowly through the dark living room, I fight the urge to turn back. With every step, I consider turning around and asking him the one question I need an answer to, but with each step, I keep moving forward, afraid to move too fast and even more afraid to run away from him.
I took the chance. I looked into his eyes and begged him to see the question in mine, the one I couldn’t find the strength to ask out loud. Was I kidding myself? I said it meant nothing so I have no right to have expectations, but it felt so good, so right being with Paxton.
Part of me hoped he would follow me, tell me not to go back to my room, to stay with him—only part of me though. The other half is glad he didn’t stop me because it would only make it harder to walk away later.
When I reach Laney’s room—my room for the last few weeks—I close the door behind me.
I drop my clothes to the floor, pull back the covers, and crawl into bed. I’m unable to hold back the tears that have been threatening to fall since I turned my back on him, and they stream slowly down my face. I’m not crying because I slept with Pax; I’m crying because I saw only confusion in his eyes when I walked away.
I close my eyes, and the tears fall until I fall asleep.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep, but it feels like hours and no time at all when I feel someone slide into bed next to me. I know it’s him because I’d recognize the woodsy spice smell of Paxton anywhere. I don’t move or open my eyes, not even when his arm slides over my waist and he pulls me back into his chest.
His breath whispers against my ear. “Don’t ask me to leave, Cass. Please just listen.” I don’t say anything. I wouldn’t even if I could because having him hold me feels so good. When I don’t say anything, he continues, “My god, Cass, when you just got up and left, it didn’t feel right, but being with you did…does. I don’t know what that means, I only know I lay there wishing you were with me still. I’m trying to respect your wishes and accept that it meant nothing, but I’m not sure I can.” He kisses my neck then the top of my bare shoulder.
It feels so good, it’s making it hard to think, but I know I need to say something. His heart beats against my back, and I feel the quick rhythm of it—he’s nervous, and so am I. Paxton doesn’t move when I turn over to face him. I can tell he’s holding his breath, waiting for me to respond.
“Pax, this is scary. There are so many what-ifs between us and it scares the shit out of me. You make me crazy. I’m not sure—” He interrupts me with a brush of his lips. I’m stunned at first, but when he moves closer and we’re face to face, skin to skin, my reaction is automatic, natural.
His lips move down my neck and between kisses, he murmurs, “It’s scary for me too. I don’t know what any of this really means, I only know I want you. What happened between us didn’t satisfy a curiosity, it only made it worse.” Pax’s lips cover mine again and he deepens the kiss. I willingly accept it, so perfect, so gentle. Every touch makes me feel alive.
His hands begin to move over my body, over my hips, until they slide between my legs. I open willingly, allowing them access to the spot they were searching for. He teases me with his fingers to give him more access and a moan slips from my lips. “Fuck, Cass, you’re so wet,” he murmurs as his fingers slide in, finding the spot and making it impossible to have a coherent thought. His name sounds like a demand when it leaves my mouth, a demand he willingly fulfills as he moves faster at my most sensitive spot. My fingernails dig into his back as I pull him closer, wanting him closer, needing him closer. Then, suddenly, I’m falling apart, panting his name over and over. It’s like his name is the only word I know.
At the same time, with his face buried between my neck and shoulder, he repeats my name. “Cass…Cass…Cass, that’s it baby, let go.” His voice is reverent. I clutch him to my shaking body, and we both hold on to one another.
When I start to move my hand down his body, taking his hard length into my palm, he sighs. I begin moving my loose grip along his shaft, listening for cues from him to be sure it feels good to him. It feels almost as good pleasing him as it was being pleased.
“Faster, Cass…I’m so close,” he groans. I slide my hand faster as I press my lips to his, kissing him deeply, loving the feeling of connection. I don’t stop until he shouts my name one last time. “Cassandra!”
It’s only a moment before he pulls me back against his chest once more and kisses my forehead softly.
“What is this?” he asks out loud. I’m not sure he expects an answer, and I can’t give him one even if he does. We don’t say anything else, just hold each other until we both fall asleep.
The next morning when I wake up, Paxton is no longer beside me. I feel a little deflated, but I knew this would happen. It’s the reason I said all of this meant nothing. Pushing the comforter aside, I slowly get out of bed and pull on my robe from where it’s lying across the chair in the corner.
Padding across the floor, I go in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I think about showering, but decide I need coffee first. As I walk into the kitchen, I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to act around Paxton after all that happened between us last night. I come to a dead stop when the very person I’m thinking about turns around with a huge grin on his face.
“Good morning,” he says, walking over to me and placing a light kiss on my lips. “How’d you sleep?” He turns, picks up a coffee cup, and places it in my hand.
Still stunned, I manage to answer him. “Umm, good. Better than good.”
“Me too,” he admits, placing another kiss on my lips. “Sorry, I told you I didn’t think I’d be able to get enough.” His smile widens. He looks happy.
A loud, boisterous laugh erupts from me.
“What is so funny?” he asks, taking a sip of his coffee and smacking me on the ass as he walks past me. “Are you naked under there?” he asks before I have time to answer his other question.
“Nothing is funny, it’s just…” I begin to tell him this all feels so surreal, but change my mind. “Yes…maybe I am naked.” I take in his body. He’s only wearing boxers, and the V of his torso sends chills along my skin. Why does he have to be so damn good-looking?
He sets his mug down, takes mine, and places it on the counter next to his before wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me against him. When I look into his eyes, I notice they’re shining in a way I’ve never seen. I barely have time to notice though because he’s covering my mouth with his, teasing my lips apart so he can deepen the kiss. Will I ever want to kiss anyone else?
The kiss is hard but brief. When he pulls away, he looks at me. “Damn, I wish I didn’t have to leave for a meeting at the building site.” His voice sounds a bit husky and full of regret. He gives me another quick kiss on the lips. “I have to get going, see you later tonight?”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. What is happening? I realize he asked me a question and I haven’t said anything. “Uh…yeah, yeah. I’ll see you tonight.”
With one last grin, he disappears into his room, leaving me standing in the kitchen alone, confused, and a little worried that we didn’t really resolve anything last night. It feels too fast—or maybe I’m thinking too much.
It’s Paxton. This is what I’ve always wanted, or at least close to what I’ve always wanted…I think. Really, I’m not even sure what this is.
I realize my heart is beating fast, as it always has when I think about Paxton. This time I just don’t know if I should remind it that he isn’t ours.