Even though we’d technically only slept together twice, waking up without him felt odd. It was hard to believe how attached I’d become in a short amount of time. I was sure Lucas would “shrink me” and say it had everything to do with me being complacent. My fears were diminished because Lincoln couldn’t see. And maybe that was partially true, but I had a feeling of peace, and that was definitely an emotion I hadn’t known for a long time.
“You missed your last two appointments,” Dr. Bass noted as I sat down.
“Your brother was more work than I expected. I apologize for not calling.”
“Judging from your appearance, I’ll go out on a limb and say things have been going well,” he commented, flipping open his notepad.
“I thought we agreed my time with your brother was off-limits here.”
His eyes grilled me. “Whoa. It was a non-intrusive observance. I just happened to notice you seem different. Let’s move on, then. How are you feeling?”
Sexually and emotionally fulfilled. Your brother can fuck. “Fine. I think having something to do with my time other than dwell on the past is good.”
He nodded while scribbling. “I concur. You appear much more relaxed.”
“Well, appearances can fool you. Still have a fucked-up face. Nothing’s going to alter that.”
He turned the pad over on his lap, crossing tanned legs. “I realize nothing will change that fact, but maybe things look a little less dismal for you.”
I knew I had to give him something. “I spoke to an old friend yesterday. We talked on the phone for over an hour.”
“That’s progress, Jensyn. What made you reach out to her?”
I hedged, shifting my legs. “Tiffany lost her sight at twelve. I just thought it might be helpful in dealing with your brother’s situation.”
“Was that the only reason? It must have been hard to pick up the phone and ask for advice after so many years. It seems she was receptive. That makes me quite happy.”
“I screwed up by cutting her out of my life. She didn’t deserve being put in the same pile with those assholes who shunned me. I abandoned her. I knew she tried reaching out for over two years after I was first injured. I forced her to give up by turning away.”
“Well, clearly she understood, because it sounds as though your call was a success. It’s real progress. You need someone.” He lowered his voice. “I think every woman needs a BFF.” He chuckled.
“She plans to vacation here next year. She’s married with kids. That was always her dream, and she achieved it.”
“And what was your dream? I mean, when you and she talked about the future,” he asked, pushing up his glasses.
I twisted my hands together before placing them across my lap. “My life had already been mapped out. I always thought after I got old—” I stopped, snorting. “I’d retire from the runway and get hundreds of offers to be the spokesmodel for a cosmetic line. Or I’d start my own clothing or perfume company. I had big aspirations. I also wanted to have someone love me and maybe children. I guess none of those were in the cards for me.”
Dr. Bass leaned toward me. “Jensyn, you still have time. Finding someone who loves you isn’t out of the realm of possibility. But in order to achieve a goal, you have to put forth effort. Love isn’t just going to fall into your life. You cannot allow your past to control your present.”
I shrugged. “I know. It’s hard to break that cycle. How do I get the masses to see the real me instead of the fractured shell? No one seems to get past my face.”
“Maybe that’s why you called Tiffany. She’s a safe bet. She can only see who you are inside, not cosmetically. I told you previously; beauty is so much more than physical. Your looks would have eventually faded anyway—”
I stopped him. “Are you telling me as I aged, my face would look like this?” I skimmed my hand over my scars. “That’s not encouraging for mature women everywhere buying expensive skincare lines. I’ll never be allowed to age gracefully because of these.”
“I’m going to keep saying this until you believe it. You are still a beautiful woman.”
“You’re wasting your breath, because the public and my own reflection tells me otherwise,” I retorted sarcastically.
“You’re being totally unfair to the millions who loved you. Those adoring fans, not the pricks in the industry. Did you know my brother had your ‘Perfect 10’ poster above his bed? Don’t ever tell him I told you this, but you were probably his first wet dream.”
I could sense my face losing color as I processed what he said. Lincoln had worshipped who I used to be. Knowing that one thing changed everything. I was furious. “You knew this and you asked me to help your brother anyway? What the hell do you think will happen when he finds out who I really am? He probably still has some fantasy about me stuck in his psyche.”
He sighed, removing his onyx-rimmed glasses. “Kind of overreacting, aren’t we?”
No, I’m having sex with your brother, and he has feelings for me. “You should have told me this when you asked me to help Lincoln. It was unfair to keep this information.”
“Jensyn, he was eleven or twelve years old. I doubt he even remembers. He had other posters, too. Your alarm is for nothing. The only way he’ll ever know the truth is if you decide to tell him. And I hope you do. My brother doesn’t have a judgmental bone in his body. He’d most likely be empathetic and probably do some fanboying.”
I sliced my hand through the air. “This conversation is closed. We agreed to never discuss your brother, and I’m holding you to it.”
“You seem overly upset. I always want you at ease when you leave here. Would you like me to give you something?”
Yes, peace and quiet and maybe your balls on a spit. “No, I’ll be fine. I have to go. I have errands to run before I get back to work with your brother. See you at the end of the week.” I stood, snatching my purse and retreating toward the door.
“Jensyn, I’m sorry. Clearly, you’ve taken my concern out of context and overreacted.”
I turned and waved it off. “Just a bad day. Don’t worry about it. After all these months, I’m positive this isn’t the first time you’ve witnessed my distress. You should know me by now. It’s going to take more than a couple weeks working with your brother and gaining some aspects of normalcy to change years of behavior patterns.”
He grinned, then laughed. “Damn, you sound more like me than I do. Have you been reading Psychology Today?”
“I know you think I’m not listening to everything you say, but some of it resonates with me. Now, don’t get too cocky. I stated some; the rest of it sounds like rhetorical bullshit.”
He walked with me to the front door. “You’re making excellent progress. I’m very impressed you repaired the relationship with your friend. I think it’s extremely important to have strong friendships, someone you can turn to. You did well. I hope this upswing continues, and I promise no more chitchat regarding my brother. When you’re comfortable and you feel the need, then we’ll talk, but only if you want to. And, Jensyn, I won’t ever reveal your secret. I told you when I suggested helping him that you could trust me, and I don’t ever renege on my promises.”
I nodded, heading toward my car. Using the driver’s side mirror, I checked my concealer and adjusted my hat. I normally shopped online or had Anai do it, but I needed a few things. This would require me to accomplish a feat I hadn’t attempted in years.
I drove to a mall and sat in my car for twenty minutes while I tried to work up the courage to walk in. Hiding behind oversized sunglasses and a floppy sun hat, I clutched my purse as though it were a security blanket and began poking around a few boutiques. No one was really paying attention to me. I was just another shopper.
“Can I help you, miss?” I heard someone ask to the left of me.
I turned slowly, tilting down the tip of my hat. The male sales clerk was about Lincoln’s age, maybe younger. Attractive with kind eyes.
“Actually, I’m looking for a gift. Maybe cologne. I don’t know.” I laughed nervously. “I haven’t known him that long, so I don’t want it very personal.”
“Cologne is always a safe choice. Any idea what he prefers in a scent.”
I shrugged. “Not a clue.”
He guided me toward a glass counter where men’s fragrances were tastefully displayed. “So is your man a serious indoor one or an adventurous outdoor type?”
“Kind of both, but he really loves the water.”
“All right, we have a place to start. Theoretically, it’s more about you and what fragrance you like. Frankly, I don’t think the male species cares if it smells good to them as long as you love it. Try these.” He handed me three bottles.
The second one was definitely Lincoln. Light, fresh, and reminded me of our time on the beach. “I like this one very much,” I said, handing him the bottle.
He smiled earnestly. “Good choice. It’s one of my favorites. Did you want this gift wrapped?”
“I guess so. Why not?” I looked around the store as he brought out paper. There were some beautiful items. It had been years since I’d gone shopping in a mall. Even when I was famous, I could never just go anywhere I wanted without stirring up a crowd. But no one knew who I was now, and if they noticed my scars, they didn’t care. I’d allowed my insecurities of what others would think imprison me. Times had changed, but unfortunately, I’d stayed frozen in my past.
“Here you go. That will be ninety-three even. I hope he enjoys it.”
I paid and thanked him. I carried my boutique bag into the next store. I decided just this once, I was going to purchase a swimsuit in person. There were dozens and dozens of beautiful Hawaiian-print suits. I wasn’t even sure what size I wore. I’d always guessed. I grabbed four different styles and sizes. I felt giddy trying them on but became frustrated because the lighting made my face look harsh and emphasized my scars. I surveyed my skin closely, my nose pressed against the full-length mirror as I stood in my underwear. I removed my hat and used my hand to pile my long blond hair on top of my head. I turned from side to side.
My skin looked lightly tanned even under the garish lights, and my boobs were still upright. Gravity hadn’t totally fucked me over. After trying on the different styles, I chose the one-piece. Yellow with side cutouts, it was sexy as hell but still geared for a woman my age. It sure as hell would look better than the skirted ones I always wore. After that purchase, I bought a bottle of perfume, three large containers of bath crystals, and a pair of rhinestone-embellished flip-flops.
As I returned to my car, I passed a Victoria’s Secret. I gazed into the window for a while before going in. Lincoln couldn’t see, but he could touch. Just once, I wanted to feel like the woman I used to be. I purchased several bras with matching thongs and a tank with boxers for sleeping. No one bothered me. No one stared. From the back, wearing a hat, I was just another woman buying sexy lingerie.
My final stop was the bookstore. I bought the rest of the Maxwell Swan series I didn’t have. I smiled, wondering what Lincoln would inscribe if he could see. I dumped five large bags into the car, then stopped at Kalani’s drive-thru for a coffee. I hadn’t felt this free since my twenties. I was in a happy place, at least for now.
When I got home, I asked Anai to help me with my packages.
“Miss Jensyn, what has gotten into you? First, you go away for the weekend, and now you’re shopping. It’s nice to see you doing things, but it makes me curious what’s made you change. There’s only one reason a woman shops for these,” she observed, fingering the Victoria’s Secret bag and pulling out a black thong.
My cheeks went pink as I rushed her in the front door.
“I knew it. Who is this man?” she asked, plucking the matching black bra out of the pink bag. I groaned. “Merciful heaven, it is true. Oh, tell me. Is he handsome? Well built? You know what I mean,” she said, elbowing me.
“Anai, you have a husband. You’re religious. Shut up about this. Do you think I want the entire household staff to know? Besides, I neither confirm nor deny your nosiness.” I chuckled the reprimand.
“Oh, Miss Jensyn, I’m the only one here. It’s Monday, remember? The rest of the staff gets today off. Besides, they would have a parade if they knew you’d gotten lucky.”
What is it about today? Everyone seems to enjoy these uncomfortable conversations. Ugh! “Can’t I just buy things for myself?” I asked, snatching most of my bags from her.
“I suppose you could, but since when do you shop at a men’s store and have it gift wrapped?” She stopped to wave her hands in front of my face. “Okay, I won’t pry. Maybe you’ll tell me later. I’m dying to know who this mystery man is. I’m so very happy for you,” she declared, throwing her arms around me.
I smiled but stayed silent. I didn’t want to jinx what I might have. Besides, who knew what the future would bring? Anai would take it personally if he broke my heart. No matter how nosey she was, she always had my best interests in mind, and I could tell she was genuinely happy for me.
I took a quick shower, then put on a long T-shirt. I padded down to the kitchen. She’d left me a plate in the microwave. Chicken fried steak with green beans and garlic potatoes, my favorite. I poured a glass of wine and balanced the plate in the crook of my arm as I went back upstairs. I tried to eat my dinner while watching the news, but my mind was clearly on other things. After finishing, I walked back to the kitchen and rinsed off my plate. Drinking the last of my wine, I returned to the bedroom and turned off the television. I was exhausted. I’d done many things today I never thought I’d do again. I’d stepped outside of my comfort zone. The reasons were plaguing me. I had no idea what caused me to venture out, other than Lincoln. He had aroused my confidence.
The man was making me more comfortable in my own skin. I still had conflicted thoughts, but being around him made me feel free. He didn’t have any idea about the misery I’d endured and how afraid I really was. But I knew for certain if his sight never returned, I would have to help him navigate the waters. For him, it would be easier because he hadn’t lost his beauty, only his vision. And as horrible as that was, he would never be judged. His readers would rally around him and devour everything he wrote. Lincoln Bass would never be ridiculed or analyzed as I had been. Maybe society as a whole had changed.
The truth was when I modeled, I surrounded myself with self-centered, egotistical people of wealth. They regarded themselves above others. Had I been one of them? I shook my head, getting into bed. There was no way I’d been part of their philosophy. This was just another internal argument I had with myself, justifying how they treated me. I wanted to believe I deserved their rejection. Of course, Xavier had led the brigade. No one even looked at him with disdain. He was encumbered with a disfigured wife. I gladly signed the divorce papers and had movers put my belongings in storage. It didn’t matter because I would be living in the hospital for years.
If I kept dwelling on the past, I’d never get to sleep. I looked forward to tomorrow. I knew I was in trouble because I missed him. I had yearned, even prayed for just a single day of what it used to be like, and he’d given me that. But fear still niggled at me. At some point, I needed to come clean and confess who I was. I wanted to believe it wouldn’t make a difference. After all, Lucas had endorsed his brother’s character. I had to believe Lincoln was legitimate. He’d professed real feelings for me, but would he still feel the same when he found out my physical beauty didn’t match the interior?