After the doctor’s visit, things didn’t get on the right track again. He was quiet, despondent, and relished alone time in his office, writing his next book. He didn’t want to talk about the prognosis after that first night. He no longer cared about the media whores, and he cancelled the meeting with his publisher. I finally asked Anai to take Lincoln’s finished manuscript and drop it off at the publishing house. The following week felt like a month. He’d shut me out. We still slept together and spoke in passing, but he seemed uninterested in deep conversations or sex. He hadn’t touched me since we’d spent the weekend at my home.
“I didn’t expect you, but I’m glad you came,” Lucas said as I tossed my purse on a green cushioned chair.
I slumped on the sofa. “Frankly, coming here was a treat. Even escaping the paparazzi was exhilarating,” I exclaimed, removing my sunglasses. “Your brother treats me like a leper. We sleep in the same bed, but he hardly talks to me. It’s like two ships passing in the night.” I suddenly realized this was off-limits. “I’m sorry. I forgot this subject is taboo.”
“That’s okay; I want to hear about my brother’s progress.”
I threw up my hands. “Progress. What progress? It’s been days, and he’s uttered maybe five words to me. He won’t eat unless I bring him something. He’s smoking more—and you didn’t hear that from me.”
“How’s your personal life? I hate to ask.” He shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
“You mean sex? It’s been almost a week. And normally, this wouldn’t be cause for alarm, but in the past, he could barely go five minutes without touching me. He hates me. I know it.”
“It’s going to take some time for him to adjust to his reality, and the depression is part of that. Be patient, and regarding, you know, the…”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. It felt as though I hadn’t had the will to do it for a long time. “Gee, Dr. Bass, it’s only sex.”
“Yeah, but it involves my little brother, and for some reason, I find it hard to converse about the two. But evidently you two had a rather vigorous sex life, so I’ll go out on a limb and say maybe you should do the pursuing. I doubt he’d say no or push you away. You do know the little head has very little to do with the big head?”
“Well, your brother has—”
He put his hand an inch from my mouth. “Stop right there. You’re about to tell me something I don’t need to know. Ever.”
We both chuckled, then continued the session talking about my life in general and how I was handling the gossipmongers. My mind was solely focused on Lincoln. I hardly had time for the media whores hanging around the gate.
I was tired of him pushing me away and giving me the silent treatment. I hadn’t gotten a full sentence out of him since Monday night. All I heard every day was typing and dictation. Occasionally, I heard him on the phone. That alone let me know he was capable of speech, just not with me. He’d begged me never to run, but that’s what he was doing to me, only it was emotional punishment.
I’d promised I would stay, but it was becoming painfully obvious he didn’t want me there. I doubted he would notice except when he crawled into bed. I had to do something before I lost him in this spiraling depression. I knew something about that; it was only his love that had brought me to the surface again.
I could hear him working away when I got back to his place. I was tired of being ignored. I knew I should give him more time, but I’d had enough and I was afraid he would end up in a hole so deep he’d never be able to scratch his way out. I strolled into the bedroom and began pilfering through his closet. Even though I’d only seen him in shorts and T-shirts, he had many expensive suits. My fingers brushed across the lapels of custom-made designer jackets. At the far end were his ties. I pulled out the hanger they were on and looked through them, carefully choosing a black and red one, its texture soft and shiny. Lincoln was going to see me no matter what.
I stripped down and pulled out some of the lingerie I’d purchased earlier but never worn. I knew he couldn’t see what I was wearing visually, but he could through the touch of the fabric. He would know what it was. I sauntered into his office, closing the door behind me.
“I’m busy. Go away,” he barked without turning.
My body stiffened at his tone, but I’d heard worse in the beginning. I needed to save him, and I would do anything. Guilt had a way of pushing you to your limits. I rested my hands on his shoulders as I placed a kiss on his cheek.
“Please stop. I need to work. I don’t have time for this.”
His lack of interest made me step back. But my willingness to please him made me push forward. I spun his chair around. His demeanor was chilly. He couldn’t see my face, but he pierced me with a hostile stare anyway. I forced his fingers to trace the border of the lacy cups that were so demi my breasts threatened to spill out. Even though his expression showed indifference, his body responded.
“Dammit, Jensyn, stop. I don’t want this,” he grated out harshly.
He was fighting me. He was in conflict with his own body. I couldn’t control his thoughts, but I could manage his libido. And his cock definitely had the right idea. “You do want this. Quit fighting so hard and let me please you.”
He bent his head back, closing his eyes. His body was still tense, but he was getting closer to submission.
My hand caressed his growing shaft. Then my fingers drifted along the waistband of his shorts. As two fingers slipped in, I heard the moan he was trying to suppress. I stopped and began tugging down his shorts. His cock sprang free, swollen and ready, as I pulled them past his ankles, removing them. His face expressed defiance. He was still trying to combat me. “You can pretend you don’t want this, but your dick begs to differ,” I said with determination. I kneeled on the soft carpet, balancing on my haunches, peppering his thighs with kisses, and my fingers brushed lightly across his sack.
I picked up the tie from beside me and covered my eyes with it, tying it tightly. My world was now as dark as his.
I blanketed my hand around his length and coaxed him into my mouth, allowing the crown to rest on my tongue. His body shifted as he spread his legs wider. I swirled my tongue, wetting it with saliva for extra lubrication as I began to suck greedily. I pulled back just enough to suckle the tip, encircling the rim with my tongue. I licked his shaft down to his balls, then rolled one gently in my mouth.
“God almighty, Jensyn…” He expelled a hiss, his hands suddenly going wild through my hair. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, palpitating the strip of satin around my head.
My lips left his cock as I looked up, seeing nothing. “I needed to experience what you see.”
His voice was thick with desire and his breathing erratic. “My world is nothing but black.”
“I know. But you once said I was your light. I need to be that for you again. Lincoln, don’t push me away, please.” A tear fell from beneath my blindfold.
He pulled me to my feet as he slipped off the office chair and stood, his warm breath in my hair as I bowed my head. I heard the rustling of clothes before I touched his bare chest. I hated I couldn’t see his naked body.
His hand dusted across my panties. With his thumbs, he rolled them down, sighing deeply. I chewed on my bottom lip because I wanted to believe he was forgiving me. Or was this a dissolution fuck? Had he tired of me as he had Kami?
A single finger ran the length of my drenched apex. I swallowed a sob, my pussy screaming. I could hear movement but had no vision. I had an epiphany of how his world appeared and the darkness he lived with. I fisted my own mouth to stop my anguished cries. There was no punishment that would be worthy of how selfish my thoughts had been. I would never want this for him. I loved him too much. But now that world of forever black was his reality, and I would fight to make it the best life ever for both of us. If he still wanted me.
He hoisted me up, my legs wrapping around him. And even though I couldn’t see, I could feel his cock was near. His breathing quickened as I guided him inside me, my fingers touching my vulva. He exhaled, combined with a quiet sigh, as his hands tightened the grip on my ass so he could thrust deeply.
“This is where I’m supposed to be,” he murmured under his breath. “So damn perfect…” His rhythm became desperately intense as he continued slamming into me.
Pain flashed beneath the blindfold as a shiver of need rushed through me. Maybe this wasn’t forgiveness, but retaliation. He ground into me until I expelled a whimper. My nails bit into his back as he continued plummeting into me. I felt a drop of sweat splash onto my chest as he groaned savagely. It didn’t matter what I was emotionally feeling; my physical body wanted this, all of it.
My legs began to tremble as my climax coiled through me explosively, hammering me so hard I saw stars. His dick began to throb as the thickness of his release filled me. He held on to me as he slowed the tempo.
Had I reached him? Was this enough to show him I was still here and my love for him was real?
His fingers worked behind my head, untying the makeshift blindfold, as he allowed my legs down. “One of my ties? The black and red, good choice.”
My throat was dry and my voice hoarse. “How did you know?” I asked, my hand clutching my neck as I stood on wobbly legs.
“My physical therapist put odds and ends into some of my belongings so I’d know. Now that you can see, if you look closely, there’s a staple toward the top. Hard to see but easy enough to feel.”
My eyes were still blurry from the tie; even the bright office light made me squint. I now realized how it must feel when he got flash headaches.
I was apprehensive about what just happened. Were we going to be okay, or had this been a good-bye fuck? I watched him as he pulled on his shorts, leaving the shirt on the floor. I picked it up gingerly, placing it in his hands. I stood, retrieving my panties and stepping into them. This now felt seedy and cheap, as though I had begged him. I searched for words.
“Look, I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted. This would have been the eventuality whether or not you were here. I punished you for something that was always fifty-fifty. And your wish, well…” His lips puckered in his frustration. “I penalized you for being candid. I asked for the truth, and you gave it to me. I realize you didn’t want to, but I forced your hand and swore I wouldn’t punish you for it. But I did, and for that I am so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. You are fully in your rights to be pissed. I always believed you’d get your vision back, and when you didn’t, I might have been a little relieved, but seeing you like this, this past week, it gutted me. The guilt has completely eaten me up. I feel like such a horrible person, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or love.”
He reached out, his arms embracing me. “Well, you have both regardless. You can’t just quit love. Maybe I could have before, but not with you. We’re a matched set. I can’t see what you’ve been hiding all these years, but you can be my eyes. We can have a good life, Jensyn. Unless this surgery kills me.”
I cried out, distraught over his words and cavalier attitude.
His hand soothed the back of my head as he pressed me closer under his chin. “No guarantees with surgery. But then, only the good die young, so I’m probably okay,” he teased.
“Not amusing. Don’t ever leave me.”
“It will never happen, not of my own free will,” he responded.
*****
We made love another two times, then ate an early dinner. Every day for the last week, there had been some article about us in the papers and online. The internet was wild with speculation. Lincoln was attempting to elude the daily barrage of phone calls and faxes. For some reason, many of the prestigious news outlets wanted our story. Even television offered big money for an interview. Several had created their own tale about us. Showing my modeling photographs side by side with rare footage of what I looked like currently. They publicized his books and showed video clips of sky jumping, shark diving, and rock climbing, scaling huge mountains. His handsome picture next to mine. Some ridiculed the age difference along with my scars, and many questioned why we were even together.
“Okay, enough with the TV,” he said, reaching out for the remote, then fumbling with the buttons until it went off. “This right here”—he held up the remote—“almost makes me glad I’m blind. Fuck those people. And, you, quit watching that trash.”
I sprawled out in his bed, putting two pillows behind my head. “We’ve had some big offers,” I declared.
“And it only makes me happier that we both have money and aren’t subject to those temptations. Well, I’m wealthy, but you’re filthy rich,” he retorted, cocking his head with a chuckle.
“It wouldn’t hurt your career. I even read there are companies, big ones, willing to sponsor you on your next big adventure.”
He sat on the bed, shaking his head. “I think that time has passed. I’m lucky I got to do a hell of a lot of things before this happened. I don’t want to spend years adapting to my blindness just to be a thrill-seeker. You and I will travel. I thought maybe I’d buy a yacht, fully crewed, and we’d sail around the world. That way I can enjoy the water, and you can be my tour guide.”
My heart hurt. My eyes blinked with unshed tears, knowing he’d loved much more than just me. His life had been full of adventures, and he treasured every second of those adrenaline-pumping endeavors. He could still write, but his love of the outdoors would be perilous without someone by his side. I’d watched his emotions go up and down, and I knew most of the time that brave face was for my benefit. I had allowed myself normalcy. Now it was his turn.
“How about tomorrow we take out your kayak? It’s getting dusty, and it’s made for two. I checked with your doctor, and since he gave you new medication for the swelling and headaches, he feels it’s fine,” I suggested, sounding excited.
“The water’s too rough. It’s dangerous for us both.”
“Oh, come on. You’ve been in those waters for years. You know exactly how to operate in those waves, and I’m a proficient swimmer. I can take care of myself and keep my eye on you. Besides, we’ll have lifejackets on.”
I saw a flicker of elation in his eyes. “I guess we could, but we need to go early in the morning. The sea is calm and flat, and I don’t want any of the nosy media swine trying to follow us. Are you good with sunrise?”
I pulled him to me. He dropped the remote as I kissed him. Maybe tomorrow would be the beginning of Lincoln getting a taste of his old life.
*****
It was still dark when his watch alarm went off. “I’m up. I’m up,” I repeated with a yawn.
He’d already jetted into the bathroom. It was nice to see him excited about something. When he finished, he sat on the edge of the bed. “Wear sneakers. Nothing you care about.”
I chuckled, swinging my legs out of bed. That ruled out everything I’d packed. I hadn’t even owned shoes I never cared about. Typical man. I dug my Chucks out of my travel bag. They could be replaced if needed.
Once we got dressed, we snuck quietly onto his terrace and retrieved the kayak. It was fucking heavy as hell, but we managed. The sun was beginning to peek around the edges of the darkened sky as I grabbed our life vests. I strapped one on Lincoln, then did myself, and we stealthily began the trek down the walkway. I stayed in front to lead the way, but he kept bumping into me, claiming he couldn’t see. Funny man.
We reached the sand without incident. None of the paparazzi was the wiser. Lincoln had been right. The waves were flat, no wind, reminding me of a bay. I was happy as hell, finally setting down the kayak, pushing it into the calm water. I helped him in first, sitting him against the backrest. Then I got in. We both had paddles.
“Not too far out. Stay within sight of the shoreline,” he expressed, paddling.
As the sun rose, I knew he felt the warmth across his skin, as his smile widened. I had never seen this side of Lincoln. This was his element. He pulled in the paddle and brushed the water with his hand, tasting it.
“Um, you do know people most likely shit in that water,” I questioned.
His laugh was deeper than I’d ever heard. “So you’ve mentioned before. I don’t care. I want to feel it, touch it, and taste it. Like my women.”
“Very funny. You should probably down some antibiotics when we get back,” I joked.
“Yeah, I’ll do that. It’s so peaceful out here. I missed the smell and taste of saltwater. It’s different when you’re deeper, not like wading. What we’re in now is actual ocean.”
We used the oars to stay in place. The motion was soothing as we talked for a couple hours.
“Maybe we should go in and get some breakfast,” I said.
“Just a while longer. Being out here, now I’m sure. We need to buy a boat, a big one. I always want to be on the water. What are your views on houseboats?”
I snorted a chuckle. “That’s a big decision. What about your books?”
“I can write anywhere.”
I shrugged. I had no intention of dissing his idea. It was the only time I’d seen him genuinely at ease since he’d come back from the eye doctor.
We stayed for another hour, the water getting choppier and the wind picking up, causing the kayak to rock strongly.
“I don’t like this, Lincoln. We need to go back.” I spoke rationally but felt panic bubbling inside.
I was alarmed that the waves had gotten so big. He kept a straight face and began to paddle. Every time I positioned us to the shore, another wave moved us in the opposite direction. I was scared, not for myself, but for him. I was positive he could handle this, but not being blind. This had been a mistake.
“Don’t worry, baby. It’ll be okay. Just steer us toward the breakers.” He was only acting calm because he wasn’t seeing what I was. But because he was an avid water person, I knew he could sense the shift in the wind and water.
“Oh my God,” I screamed, watching a huge wave starting to roll toward us.
Lincoln’s facial expression stayed fixed as I watched the kayak turn over in slow motion. I gulped tons of water as I tried to acclimate myself to the choppy waves. I bobbed up and down, my life jacket keeping me afloat.
“Lincoln,” I yelled, not seeing him.
“Right here,” he answered from the other side of our capsized boat. “We need to flip her over. I’m gathering it’s too far too swim, especially hauling my ass. Swing it around. Then you take the bow, and I’ll grab the stern.”
The ocean was bouncing me around as I tried catching the front of the boat. My hand slipped several times. I was exhausted.
“I can’t grab hold. Fuck,” I yelled.
Lincoln had his hand on the back as he tried spinning the kayak, then going under it. I wiped my eyes of ocean spray, waiting for him to surface. Panicking, I dove and, in horror, realized he wasn’t moving. His lifeless body was floating underneath the hull. There was a bloody laceration across his head. He must have hit it when he tried to upright the boat.
I pulled him up by the life vest straps and allowed the device to do its job by keeping him afloat. I checked his pulse and leaned my head against his chest. He was breathing, his pulse steady, but he was unconscious. There wasn’t a chance in hell I could upend this kayak by myself, so I started swimming, Lincoln in tow.
It took what seemed like hours to get back to the shore. Every few moments, the water swelled, pulling us under but pushing us closer to our goal. When we finally reached the sand, my arms were so weak I could barely utilize them.
I didn’t have a choice. I screamed at the top of my lungs to any media lurking about as I cradled his head. The bleeding had subsided, but he was still out cold. I sobbed loudly as I heard people running down the path.
“Help me please,” I begged. Two men reached under his arms and dragged him to the sand. One of them undid his life jacket. “Someone call 9-1-1,” I yelled, crawling over to him, ignoring the camera flashes and video recorders.
I put my ear to his chest and heard breathing. “Oh, Lincoln, please, baby, wake up.” I began to cry hysterically as a host of onlookers watched. “I love you. Don’t you fucking leave me,” I whispered as if it were a prayer.