Chapter Twelve
The next morning I wake up with a splitting headache, bleary eyes, a sore throat and a tear-stained face. I can hardly bring myself to look at my own reflection and stumble out of bed to get myself a glass of cold water. I glance warily at my phone as I walk by it on the counter, it’s still where I left it last night and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve received any more messages.
From him.
I didn’t read any of them last night and I chose to ignore every single one of his calls after he left. His persistence infuriated me to the point that I turned my phone off and went to bed. It took me hours to fall asleep and that’s why I feel so groggy and lifeless this morning. I gulp down my water, appreciating the cool liquid as it glides down my throat, soothing the rawness of my throat.
The urge I have to check my phone is unbelievable. It’s enticing me, begging me to switch it back on. I even turn my back on it, hoping that once it’s out of sight it will leave my mind. It doesn’t. I’m reaching for my phone before I can exert any more control over myself, ignoring the butterflies in my stomach as I turn it back on.
I’m bombarded by missed calls and unread messages whilst waiting for it to load up. Two of them are from Jason but the rest are all from Zack. I quickly scan through some of his texts, refusing to acknowledge the gratitude I feel knowing that he didn’t forget all about me as soon as he left.
Zack: Samantha, I’m so, so, so sorry I had to leave like that. You know I didn’t want to and I would have given anything to spend the entire night with you. I’ve just dropped Rachel home, she was a little tipsy so I’m glad I didn’t ask her to get a taxi home by herself. If you’re still awake… please text me. I need to know you’re ok.
Zack: Ok, I don’t know if you’re asleep or if you’re just choosing to ignore me. Your phone keeps ringing so I know you haven’t switched it off yet. Please don’t be mad at me, Sam. You know I didn’t want to leave you, it tore me apart to see you so sad before I left. Tell me how I can make this right. I’ll do anything.
Zack: Don’t do this to me. I’m so tempted to come round there and check on you, I can’t bear the thought of you being by yourself. I can’t even sleep because I know the second I close my eyes you’re going to be there, just like you always are.
Zack: Ok, I’m going to call you one more time. If you’re phone is switched off then I know you’re alright and just don’t want to speak to me right now. I’m going to hate that decision but I will respect it. I’ll try calling you again in a few minutes. Zack xxx
I check the time he sent that final message and realise I did in fact turn my phone off just three minutes later. He must have thought I did it on purpose and decided to keep his promise by leaving me alone after that. He will have no idea that I didn’t actually read any of his messages last night.
A startling and sudden knock on the door makes me jump, yanking me out of my deep contemplation. I consider ignoring it and going back to bed but Jason’s voice ordering me to let him in forces me to change my mind. I really don’t have a choice. There’s no way my best friend is going to give up and leave me alone, especially after I ditched him last night to go home with Zack.
I really don’t care what I look like but I know Jason will be able to see right through my false smiles and reassurances. I wish I had enough time to drag a brush through my hair and wash my face, unfortunately I know my friend and his persistence knows no limits. The best thing I can do right now is speak to him and get this confrontation over with. I unlatch the door and open it for him, certain he’s going to barge right by me anyway.
“We need to talk.” He says gruffly, stalking past me into the living room.
“O…kay.” I say uncertainly, instantly filled with dread.
“It’s about last night.” Jason replies sombrely, turning around to face me, a grave expression on his face.
“What about it?” I ask, trying to act nonchalant and indifferent.
“Why would you go home with that smug bastard and leave me with your sister?” Jason snaps, an angry gleam in his eyes.
“Zack is not a bastard and you know why I went home early, Jason. I was tired and Zack wanted to discuss something with me about the wedding. He doesn’t want Rachel to know about it yet.” I lie, remembering what I told Jason last night before I left the restaurant with Zack.
“What surprise?” He demands.
“Does it really matter? It’s just honeymoon stuff. Were you still with Rachel when Zack picked her up?”
“Of course. I wasn’t about to leave her by herself. She wasn’t exactly what you would call sober. I can’t believe he left her like that.” He says bitterly, taking a seat on the sofa.
“So how did you get home? Did you get a lift from Zack?” I inquire, pretending that the whole thing doesn’t really matter to me at all.
“Hell no, I got a cab. It was far too late when I got back home and that’s why I didn’t call around.”
“Its fine, I would have been fast asleep by then anyway.” I shrug, struggling to hide how relieved I am that he didn’t actually come by here last night.
“And now onto what you told me in the taxi on the way over to the restaurant.” He says boldly, oozing confidence as he narrows his eyes at me in scrutiny.
He has a dark look on his face and it unnerves me, I’ve never witnessed this side of Jason before and I don’t know how I should take it or how to handle the whole situation.
“Oh… that.” I murmur softly.
“Yes.” He persists, relentless in his inquisition.
“What do you want to know?”
“I want to know who the hell you were with on Saturday night.”
“I told you already that you don’t know him.” I lie, shifting uncomfortably beside him.
“And how well do you know him?” He retaliates sharply.
“Look, it was a mistake Jason. One I won’t be repeating again.”
I purposefully fail to mention that it did happen again last night or the fact that I want it to in the future.
“Why would you even get involved with someone who has a girlfriend? That’s not like you, Sam. You’re not like that.”
I can hardly stand to see the disappointment in his eyes. He’s never looked at me like that before and it truly hurts.
“It was a mistake. A sexual lapse in judgement.” I confess, wringing my fingers together in anguish.
“Have you heard from him since then?”
“No.” I say firmly, deceiving him again.
“Are you lying to me?” He scowls, practically glaring at me from across the couch.
“Jason, you have to stop. This whole conversation is making me feel really uncomfortable. I didn’t sleep well last night, I’m exhausted and all I want to do right now is go back to bed.”
“You do look pretty rough.” He chuckles, playfully ruffling my already messed up hair.
“Gee, thanks” I reply sarcastically.
“I’m sorry, I just mean that you look a little tired.”
“You want a drink?” I ask, practically leaping up from the sofa in an attempt to put some space between us.
I’m so eager to change the subject, Jason’s inquisition has made me really nervous and I’m actually scared he’s going to see through my lies and call me out on it.
“Sure.”
He follows me into the kitchen whilst I’m pouring him a glass of fresh orange juice. It’s the only drink Jason will touch this early in the morning and after so many years of friendship, I know I don’t even need to ask if he wants anything different.
“There you go.”
I hold the glass out to him and he takes it, lowering his gaze towards the floor.
“I can’t believe you slept with him.” He whispers.
“What? Where the hell did that come from?” I ask, wondering why he would blurt something like that out.
“It’s just… I’m not sure how I should react. You’ve never done anything like this before. You’re so much better than that, Sam. You’re so much better than a one night stand.”
“Jason…”
“You know it’s true. I haven’t known you sleep with anyone besides Paul.”
“I’m twenty-three, Jason. I’m not a child.” I berate him, angry with the judgemental way in which he seems to be treating me.
“I know that. I just don’t like to think of you in that way.” He rakes his fingers through his hair, a clear sign that he’s struggling to get his head around all of this.
“I’m sorry. I know you view me as your vulnerable little sister who needs protecting.” I joke, nudging him light-heartedly.
“Not exactly…” He mutters, placing his glass back on the counter.
“What do you mean?”
“God, this is really difficult for me to say. I-If you ever feel the need… or the urge to…”
“The urge to what?” I ask, raising my voice.
“What I’m trying to say is that I’m here. I know you’re a grown woman and I know you must have all the impulses and desires that comes with being a woman. Fuck, I’m not explaining this well. What I mean is if you do find yourself needing somebody, I don’t want you to go out and pick up a random stranger. It’s far too dangerous and I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you.”
“Are you really suggesting what I think you are?” I say incredulously, on the verge of disbelief.
“I think so.” He finally lifts his gaze, locking eyes with me.
“You want us to be friends with benefits?”
I can’t help the scepticism from leaking into my voice. What on earth is going on inside his head? Jason’s my friend. We’ve never, ever discussed being anything more than that and that’s one of the reasons why I trust him.
“No! I don’t think that’s what I’m saying. I just don’t want you to put yourself in a bad situation. I would much rather you feel comfortable enough to come to me instead.”
“Wow. You really think I’m going to start sleeping around just because I finally had sex?” I yell, shoving him hard in the chest.
“Please don’t freak out on me. I’m not declaring my undying love for you or anything like that. I’m not saying we should be together or that I want to change the nature of our friendship. I just want you to be safe and if that means you and I spending the occasional night together instead of you seeking out a complete stranger… then that’s more than ok.”
“I don’t believe this. I cannot believe you’re saying these things.” I turn my back on him, curling my fingers in my tussled blonde hair. “I think you should go, Jason. I need some time to process all of this and want to be alone.”
“Sam, please don’t do this. I didn’t mean to upset you, please look at me.” His hand grabs my shoulder trying to turn me around to face him.
“You didn’t upset me, I’m just surprised and a little taken aback.” I admit, moistening my lips.
I’m resolute when it comes to my decision about making Jason leave. There must be ten thousand thoughts whirling around inside my head right now and all I really need is to be by myself so I can process some of them.
“Shit, I shouldn’t have said anything, I should have kept my bloody mouth shut. Samantha, tell me how I can make this better? What can I say to put this right?”
“You can leave.” I insist, walking towards the front door.
“Sam…” He argues, leaning back against the kitchen counter, hanging his head in defeat.
“Now, Jason.”
He reluctantly leaves, apologising profusely on his way out. He’s still standing in the hallway when I close the door on him and I only wish I could lock the rest of the world out as well as my oldest friend and his ludicrously insulting suggestion.
I lean against the door and close my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing instead of what just happened. The sound of my phone ringing distracts me and I drag my exhausted body into the kitchen to retrieve it. One glance at the screen confirms the intuition I had about who is calling me.
Zack.
“Hello?” I answer timidly, trying really hard to keep the tremor out of my voice.
“Sam… thank God you answered.” He exhales loudly. “I didn’t think you would, not after you ignored me last night.”
I can hear the exhaustion in his voice and how weary he sounds. I wonder if he’s had a sleepless night like I did and then chastise myself for being concerned about him.
“I just couldn’t face it, I’m sorry.” I admit, grappling with the whole idea of being entirely honest and therefore leaving me so vulnerable and exposed to someone else.
“Don’t apologise. I’m the one who left. I’m the one who should be apologising.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. None of this is fine and I don’t know what to do about it anymore.” He says despairingly, sounding hopeless and desolate.
I imagine him sitting there, cradling his head in his hands. His eyes all red and swollen from lack of sleep and misery.
“Me neither.” I whisper, closing my eyes in an attempt to stop even more tears from falling.
“Listen, can we meet?” He asks. “I really need to see you.”
“Erm… not today.” I reply, panicking at the thought of being in such close proximity to him again. I don’t think my heart could take it.
“Why not?”
“I’m really tired and there’s a load of housework that needs to be done.” I tell him.
I know they’re really lame excuses but I honestly couldn’t think of anything else to tell him.
“And you can’t spare an hour? I really need to see you, Sam. I can come over to your place, we don’t even have to leave the apartment.”
“It’s too risky. Jason might see you and he’s already suspicious about why we left together last night.”
“I don’t give a shit about Jason or what he thinks about us.” He practically growls down the receiver, reminding me of the possessive way in which he cornered me at the restaurant the night before.
“Maybe you don’t but I do.” I snap at him.
“Oh, really?” He taunts sarcastically, unable to prevent his jealousy from seeping out of his harsh tone.
“Yes… although I probably shouldn’t after what he just said to me.” I accidentally let slip, instantly wishing I could take back what I just said.
“What do you mean? What did he say to you? Have you just seen him?” Zack continues to fire questions at me down the phone, relentless in what feels like his interrogation of me.
“He came by here for some answers about last night and what I told him before we arrived at the restaurant.”
“And what happened?”
“Nothing. It really doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Tell me.” He demands.
“He’s just concerned about me, he doesn’t want anything bad to happen like it did before.” I blurt out, unintentionally disclosing even more information to him.
“What’s that supposed to mean? What happened to you, Sam?”
“Look, I can’t do this right now. I really can’t. I have to go, Zack.”
I hang up on him before he has chance to say anything else. I meant what I said to him, I really can’t do this right now and most importantly… I refuse to. My mind is racing and there’s absolutely nothing that will help me to clear my thoughts. There’s no one I can talk to, no one I can confide in and I know if I don’t share all of this with someone soon then I really will explode.
With my mind made up, I pick up my landline phone and dial the only number I can think of. When you reach rock bottom it’s time to start fighting and that’s exactly what I intend to do. I need someone to help me before it’s too late…
I walk into the coffee shop two hours later and scan the crowd of people who are already seated. I don’t know if I’m the first one here and decide to grab the table by the window before placing my order.
I thought I would be nervous but I’m not. I actually feel a whole lot better now that I’ve decided to do this, now that I’ve decided to confide in someone else. I just hope they don’t judge me too harshly and condemn me to the mess I’ve managed to get myself into.
“Sam? Are you ok?”
My head jerks in the direction of her voice and I come face to face with my smiling boss, Audrey. It’s so wonderful to see a friendly and familiar face that I practically leap up out of my seat to embrace her.
“Thank you for coming.” I say it sincerely, truly grateful for the fact that she’s here.
“Of course. I knew it must be pretty important for you to call me on a Sunday.” She assures me, tilting my face up to look at her.
“It is.”
“Well, how about I go and order our drinks and then you can tell me all about it?” She suggests, making her way over to the counter.
“That would be great. Thank you.”
“You want a latte, right?” She asks, scurrying back over to our table.
“You know me too well.” I smile, remembering all the late night coffees we’ve had after a tiring day at work.
Audrey places our steaming hot drinks on the table several minutes later, settling herself down in the armchair across from mine.
“So, do you want to tell me all about it? You were pretty upset when we spoke on the phone.”
She gives me a sympathetic look, increasing the amount of butterflies that are already in my stomach. It’s just like Audrey to dive right in. There’s never been any pretence with her and I was foolish to expect there would be right now.
“I don’t know where to start.” I confess, fumbling with the material of the skirt that I’m wearing. I desperately want a distraction from what I’m about to tell her.
She’s going to hate you. My unstoppable subconscious snarls, frightening me half to death. I don’t know what I would do if I lost the approval and respect of the woman sitting before me.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning? That’s always best.” She grins at me, promptly putting me at ease.
Audrey is not the sort of person to condemn anybody and that’s the main reason I chose to call her.
“Ok, I suppose it started several weeks ago. The night my sister introduced us to her fiancé…”
Thirty minutes later and I’ve told her everything. I explained all about the undeniable attraction we had for one another on the first night we met. The unquestionable yearning I felt for him during our journey home when he dropped me off. I told her all about the mysterious phone call I received from Zack the very next day and the proposition he made me just one week later when he took me to the river. I then admitted to the incredible night we spent together just two nights ago and what happened between us again last night.
I wait for the disgusted and disapproving expression on her face but it doesn’t come.
“Ok, I’m ready for it. Don’t hold back.” I lean back in my seat and brace myself for her verbal onslaught.
“Ready for what?”
“For the lecture, for you to tell me how revolted you are and how you want nothing more to do with me for being such a despicable human being.” I murmur softly, feeling wretched and despicable in the presence of such a kind and thoughtful woman like Audrey.
“Then I guess you’re going to be waiting a hell of a long time.” She tells me, folding her arms across her chest.
“W-what do you mean? Why aren’t you angry with me?” I stammer.
“Sweetheart, who am I to be mad at you? Who on earth am I to judge you and tell you what you’re doing is wrong?”
“But it is wrong… isn’t it?”
“Do I think its ok that you’ve slept with your sister’s fiancé? No. Do I think you had a choice in the matter? No.” She says decidedly.
“So, what you’re trying to say is that you can’t help who you fall in love with?” I ask uncertainly.
“You are in love with him, then?” She arches one of her eyebrows at me, forcing me to avert my gaze.
“I don’t want to be.” I mumble, staring at my empty coffee cup sitting on the table.
“But are you?”
“Yes.”
Wow, I can’t believe I just said that. It was like I had no control over the admittance that was spoken from my mouth.
“There are roughly seven billion people in the world. Seven billion people and I’ve somehow managed to fall in love with the only person I can’t have. The only man on this earth who I can’t be with and who I should never, ever want. He’s my soul mate, my saviour and the only man I need. He’s also my sister’s fiancé.”
“And what about him? Does he feel the same way as you?”
“He said he’s completely fallen for me but I don’t know if that’s the same thing.” I sigh wearily, dragging my fingers through my hair.
“Have you told him that you love him?” She inquires, leaning forward in her seat.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s wrong! What we’re doing is dangerous, it could ruin so many people’s lives if they found out and the last thing I want to do is hurt Rachel. I love her.”
There’s a moment of silence between us before Audrey starts to speak again and I take the opportunity to reflect upon my situation and what the hell I’m going to do with the shattered pieces of my heart. Do I really have the strength to put it back together again?
“Am I the first person you’ve told about this?” She asks me kindly, reaching out to take hold of my hand.
“Yes.”
“Samantha, what I’m going to suggest to you might seem a little unorthodox but I just want you to go with it, ok?”
“Ok…” I waver, swallowing nervously.
“I want you to imagine that you have three wishes, absolutely anything in the world. Pretend you have no limits. Now what would they be?”
I pause, my mind racing with possibilities.
“To be happy.” I state simply.
“And?” She prompts me, wanting me to divulge more.
“To be free, free from my past and the emotional chains that have restrained me for so long.” I proclaim, surprised by the honesty that’s been spoken from my own lips.
“And what about your final wish?”
I look her in the eyes and wait for her to say it. She doesn’t and that’s when I know I have to.
“Him.”
I slide my key into the lock and enter my apartment, closing the door behind me. It’s been several hours since I met up with Audrey and we spoke for even more hours after that when we left the coffee shop and she invited me back to her house. It actually felt really good to leave it all behind for a little while, to know that my phone was still in my apartment and that I was secluded from the rest of the world. Audrey was definitely the right person for me to call. She listened to me and allowed me to open up to her without interruption or intrusion and for that I am truly grateful.
I glance at the clock and take note of the time. Its eight o’clock which gives me just a couple of hours to organise my things and get ready. Audrey and I finally decided that there is only one option available for me right now and that is to go. I have to leave and get away from the dark situation I’m currently trapped in. I realised that what will benefit me the most is to gain some perspective and to put some distance between myself and the people clouding my judgement. That’s why I have to go, it’s why I must leave.
Tonight.