Chapter Four
Zack
I can’t believe I just did that. What the fuck was I thinking? What the hell was going through my mind? I know I’ve had a bit to drink but I’m nowhere near drunk and certainly can’t blame it on the small amount of alcohol I’ve consumed tonight.
Rachel and I went out with my parents as planned and the evening was a great success. My mum and dad fell in love with Rach as soon as they met her and I can’t say I blame them. We went to my family’s favourite restaurant and spent most of the night talking about how Rachel and I met and the wedding.
I honestly did not realise the amount of organisation and planning that’s involved when it comes to organising a wedding. It’s completely overwhelming and I seriously found myself questioning why the hell we didn’t decide on eloping instead. We could be married right now, we could have had the ceremony on an exotic beach somewhere thousands of miles away from here. Thousands of miles away from her.
My thoughts never strayed far from Samantha throughout the entire meal with my parents. I tried to take part in the conversation the three of them were having but could feel my phone burning a hole right through my pocket the whole time. It was tormenting me with the knowledge that her number was inside it, taunting me with the idea of being able to get in touch with her.
I know what I did was wrong. I can’t even begin to try and explain myself because it’s inexcusable. I really don’t know what I was playing at and can’t believe I sunk to the darkest depths of despair. It was devious, immoral and completely out of character for me to do something so sneaky. I’m at a loss when it comes to clarifying my actions, I had Sam’s phone in my hands and felt the inexplicable need to put my details in there. I wanted her number as well but knew I didn’t have the time to exchange both. I actually considered asking Samantha for it outright but realised how weird that might appear to her. I did think about asking Rachel for it but then decided that would only arouse her suspicion. She’d quiz me about it and I’d have no reasonable explanation to present to her. How could I explain why I wanted her sister’s number in my phone?
I suppose that’s what lead me to do it. I felt like I was in a hopeless situation and had no other choice. I didn’t allow myself to really think about it, I just acted. I put my name and number in her phone before handing it back to her and later on that night, I secretly managed to get a hold of Rachel’s phone at one point when she was out of the room and got her sister’s contact details from it.
I know how loathsome it is and I know how despicable that makes me. I’m a weak and pathetic human being who doesn’t even deserve the stunningly gorgeous girl I’m engaged to. I was sat across from her at the restaurant, watching her laughing and joking with my parents. She looked breathtakingly beautiful in the black dress she was wearing, so elegant and charming. I couldn’t understand how everything changed so quickly, how my whole world could be turned upside down in the space of twenty-four hours.
My gaze kept on gravitating towards her finger, the one that wore the ring I gave her. I was absolutely bewildered and perplexed by my own thoughts and feelings. My dazzling fiancé was right in front of me, captivating everyone around her and I was sitting there, hardly speaking and finding it absolutely impossible to think of anything else but Sam. She was in my head, overriding every single thought that invaded my mind. I was really anxious to get back home, I really wanted to be alone so I could stop with all the pretence and get away from the hectic noise in the restaurant. As terrible as it sounds, I wanted to be alone so I could at least think about the possibility of calling her.
I was hoping I could at least drop Rachel home without any drama or confrontation with her. She wanted me to stay with her at her mum’s house and practically begged me to go back there with her to spend the night. I knew I was seriously running out of reasons for us to keep on sleeping apart and it was really difficult trying to explain to her why I had decided to stay with my parents again.
I really don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me but I just can’t risk being alone with her right now. I know what being alone together will lead to and I can’t chance anything like that happening right now. How can I have sex with her when the thought of her damn sister is permanently carved into my subconscious? I really don’t trust myself to be intimate with her when someone else is dominating every single corner of my brain. I’d feel like such a bastard if I were to fuck Rachel right now, my body would be telling her one thing when I’d be feeling something else entirely. The only girl I want to be inside of right now is Samantha. I know how deplorable, contemptible and absolutely shameful it is but that’s the truth.
I truly thought my inappropriate feelings would disappear. I’ve noticed beautiful women before, I’m a guy and guys inevitably notice other women. I’ve been out with Rachel plenty of times before now and saw a gorgeous woman but I’m respectful of her and never allow my appreciation for anyone to become apparent. It means nothing and it’s something I’ve never taken seriously before. I would never, ever act on the impulses that some people choose to explore, I don’t cheat and I’ve never felt the need to do so in any relationship I’ve been in before.
I’m mindful that the messed up situation I’m in now is completely different to anything I’ve ever experienced before. The distinction is I actually want to act upon the unwarranted and desires that continue to invade the dark recesses of my mind. I want to pursue my depraved inclinations towards her and that’s what makes this whole scenario so twisted.
I ended up giving another excuse to my fiancé and made sure I dropped her off first before going with my parents back to their place. My mum and dad seemed a little confused, wondering why I didn’t want to spend the night with the girl I’m newly engaged to and I can’t say I blame them. They told me they would have been fine with Rachel staying over with me at their place, wondering why I insisted on us being separate. I somehow managed to convince them that everything was fine, I explained that I just wanted to spend some quality time at home with my family, especially since my brother will be back home in a day or so and we drove the rest of the way home in silence.
My mum and dad went straight up to bed when we got back and I was left alone, contemplating my next move and struggling to control the blazing, all-consuming desire that I had to contact her. I took a shot of whiskey, tried to watch TV and seriously considered taking Rachel up on her offer of spending the night with her. Maybe that was exactly what I needed, it could be the only thing that would work and I was willing to try anything. Sex with Rachel would definitely make me feel better, relieve all of the tension I was carrying around and hopefully abolish my ridiculous obsession and infatuation I had with Sam.
One hour later and I was still in turmoil. My fists were clenched and my eyes were fixed on the phone right in front of me on the table. I went to reach for it several times, warring with myself over what I should do. I remembered the conversation Samantha had with Rachel earlier on in the car, Sam told her she planned on spending the evening with Jason and I angrily recall how angry that made me feel. I had absolutely no right to feel jealous but that’s exactly what I felt. Just the thought of them together was enough to make my blood boil with fury and I was desperate to quiz Rachel about the nature of their relationship. Picturing them together was driving me insane and I the relentless images of them being intimate with one another kept bombarding my brain.
I looked at the clock and noticed it was after midnight, did that mean he would have left already or would he still be there? I didn’t give myself another second to think about it, I grabbed the phone and hastily typed out a text message, sending it before I changed my mind.
Those first few minutes were utterly excruciating. I received no response and started to feel like the world’s greatest fool. I thought about all the possibilities and why she might have chosen not to respond to it. She could have gone to bed, she might not have heard her phone, she might be unnerved by it or worse… she could still be with him. He could be touching her, kissing her, fucking her and there was nothing I could do about it.
I jumped up from the sofa and started pacing. The thought of them together was too much, it was messing with my head and I didn’t know how to eliminate her from my thoughts. I was tormenting myself over the decision I’d already made to contact her, petrified that my idiocy would ruin everything and berating my fucked up self for reaching out to her in the first place.
I jumped out of my skin when I noticed the screen on my phone light up, letting me know I had a new message. I grabbed it off the table with trembling hands, tugging on my hair in frustration. Please let it be her, please let it be her, please let it be her. They were the only words that kept on swirling around inside my head. My despair would have been immense if it hadn’t have been her.
Her message asked me if I knew who she was. She obviously couldn’t understand why the hell I was texting her and she also asked me if I’d put my number in her phone earlier on that day. I knew I had no other choice but to come clean. I had to be honest with her if I had a hope in hell of persuading her to hear me out. God knows what I planned on saying to her, all I wanted at that point was to hear the sound of her voice. I had to know what was going on inside her head, I had to know if w were we on the same page or if I had completely misunderstood the situation and misread the signals.
I persisted and eventually managed to convince her to accept my call. I closed the door leading into the hallway so many parents wouldn’t overhear anything and sat back down on the sofa, taking a deep breath before pressing the call button.
“Hello?”
Fuck. She sounded terrified and that’s when I realised I had absolutely no damn right to make her feel afraid. I despised myself for doing it to her and wanted to rip out my own tongue before I openly confessed everything I was feeling for her.
I suppose on some psychological level I did want to punish her. It’s almost like I wanted to make sure that she was in as much torment as I was, I wanted her to suffer just as much as me and sending her those ambiguous, mysterious texts was my way of doing it.
“Samantha.” I paused, breathing heavily. “Thanks so much for not freaking out on me. I know how crazy this must sound and I realise how late it is.”
“What’s going on, Zack?” She demanded, clearly frustrated by my cryptic text messages.
What the fuck was I supposed to say? Where the hell was I meant to start?
“I don’t even know. I don’t know what to say or where to start. I just wanted… I guess I wanted to know if you…” I trailed off, at a loss for words and violently enraged with myself for being a selfish bastard. I was putting my own needs and desires above anyone else’s and that made me worthy of such a name.
“If I what?” She challenged me, obviously wanting to bring an end to our conversation.
I felt like such a fucking idiot. I’d acted impulsively and went behind Rachel’s back to sneak her sister’s number out of her phone and I even tricked Samantha, surreptitiously typing my name into her phone. I’d made a mess of the whole thing and was already having to deal with the consequences of my thoughtless, insensitive actions.
“God, I’m so sorry. This is so fucked up and just plain wrong. I should never have called you, can we just pretend like this happened? Ignore everything I’ve just said, Samantha. Please?” I begged her, anxious to put the whole thing behind me and forget the fact that I’d tried to reach out to her.
However, there was another part of me that didn’t want to do anything of the sort. The last thing I wanted was to put even more distance between us, I was inextricably drawn to her and a fucked up part of me did want to explore the magnetic pull I felt towards her, I had a yearning to find out more. I has this exasperating need to delve right inside this girl’s head and uncover all her darkest secrets. I wanted to be the one she told them to, the one she would choose to confide in and the one she felt compelled to be with. I know all of this is ridiculously insane and immoral but that doesn’t make it any easier to deny.
I had to end the call before she had a chance to reply. I caught a brief glimpse of the metaphorical EXIT sign and made a dash for it, almost flinging my phone against the wall in front of me in frustration. My breathing was laboured and my heart rate accelerated, I was desperate to burn off some energy and take my aggression out on something. My old gym in London would still have been open if I was there but all the local one’s around here close early, there was nowhere for me to go and no way I could unleash all of the tension building up inside me. I thought about going for a run but knew it wouldn’t help, it would only give me a boost to heighten the adrenaline already coursing through my veins.
I dragged my sorry ass to bed that night and couldn’t fall asleep for hours. I was so sick of all the shit running through my head and feeling like crap for craving someone I will never be able to have. I had no idea how to go about rectifying the situation or how to cure myself of the relentless compulsion I seem to have to be near her.
That night I dreamt about Samantha for the first time. In my dream she was waiting for me in my bedroom, uneasy and nervous.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, joining her on the bed where she was sitting.
She lowered her head and wrung her hands together. I noticed they were trembling and took one in my own, giving it a gentle squeeze to reassure her.
“I don’t know where to start.” She whispered, refusing to meet my gaze.
“Just tell me.” I urged her, tilting her face towards mine.
I had to see her face, I wanted her to look at me, knowing that I’d be able to read her expression if I could look into her eyes.
“I-I need…”
“What? What do you need, baby?” I spoke softly, closing the distance between us.
She moistened her lips and inhaled sharply. I could practically see her pulse flickering in her throat and longed to run my tongue over it. I wanted to taste her so badly, I wanted to hear my name spoken from her lips. I wanted her to beg me to give her pleasure. I couldn’t help imagining all the ways I could make her come, each thought I had seemed to be more explicit than the last and the things I knew I could do to this girl was going to drive me insane.
“I don’t know how to say it. This is so wrong.” She said tearfully, trembling beside me.
“If this is really wrong, why does it feel so right?” I murmured, lowering my mouth towards hers.
She was hesitant at first, returning my kiss with trepidation. I tried to be respectful of her, giving her time to adjust and accept the sudden advancement between us. Her whole body was shaking and I found myself smoothing my thumb down the side of her jaw, trying to coax her into submission.
“Relax.” I whispered, gently prising her lips apart with my tongue.
She moaned into my mouth, sinking her fingernails into my back. I groaned loudly, hungry for more. I wanted everything, I needed her to submit to me, surrender every single part of herself to my touch.
Our tongues tangled together, swirling and stroking, plunging and tasting. I wanted my actions to mirror the ones I would make if I were inside her. I wanted her to know that I would take her just as roughly, just as passionately if we were having sex. She had to know what she was doing to me, I wanted to make her feel the same way, desperate for her to feel the incredible intoxication that I experience whenever I’m around her.
“Zack, we shouldn’t be doing this.” She protested, trying to push me away from her.
“Yes. Yes, we should.” I grabbed hold of her hands against my chest, circling my fingers around her small wrists.
“What about Rachel?”
“I’m not thinking about her. It’s you I want.” I told her firmly.
“Why? Why do you want me?” She sounded fearful, needing to hear my answer yet reluctant to know the truth.
“I wish I could come up with a simple answer but I can’t. All I know is it goes beyond lust, it goes far beyond sex and wanting to taste you every single minute of every day. I want everything with you. I want all of you, Samanatha.” I grabbed hold of her face, gently brushing my nose against hers.
“But this could never work, it’s impossible.” She murmured, shaking her head.
“Don’t say that, it’s not true. Let me show you, Sam. Let me show you how incredible we could be together. You know I can make you feel good.” I groaned loudly and pushed her down onto the bed, relishing in the feel of her petite body beneath my own.
I wasn’t so gentle the second time, thrusting my tongue inside her mouth, demanding an entry to what I owned. Her legs parted and I slid in between them. My fingers were persistent, tugging on the tiny buttons on her blouse. I had to feel her skin, I needed to taste every single inch of her and the sooner she was out of her clothes, the sooner I’d get to do it.
The next thing to go was her skirt, a cute little thing that showed off those gorgeous legs of hers. She tried to wriggle herself out of it, softly laughing when I chose to yank it down over her slender hips. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was, I’d imagine her naked hundreds of times but it was an entirely different thing to actually see it with my own eyes.
I left her wearing her bra and pants and took a moment to just stare at her. Taking in the exquisitely irresistible girl before me. Her skin tone is extremely fair, reminding me of that fairy tale Snow White. Fuck knows why I thought about that but that’s exactly what she reminded me of. Skin as white as snow and all that shit.
“Promise me something? Promise me that you’ll never, ever deliberately tan this precious skin of yours.”
“I’m too pale.” She argued, trying to be modest by covering herself from me.
“No. You’re perfect. Your ivory skin makes you look so pure and innocent.”
“I don’t plan on being innocent with you.” She teased me, raising her eyebrows at me.
“Fuck. I love you being like this.” I confessed, trailing my fingertips around her small breasts and down her tiny waist.
I gently traced along the edge of her panties. They were a pink colour, all feminine and enticing, captivating even more of my attention to the delectability that was underneath them.
“Please, Zack.” She begged, arching her back and lifting her hips, craving the contact between her pussy and my fingers.
I planned on giving her exactly what she wanted, I needed to feel her just as much as she wanted me to make her come with my hand.
“Be patient, baby. I don’t plan on stopping, not unless you want me to?” I tortured her nibbling on her bottom lip before sucking it all the way into my mouth.
Her eyes were closed, her breathing erratic as she clenched her thighs around my large hand, preventing me from prising her legs apart. I began to slide the flimsy material of her underwear from her body, inhaling sharply when I saw her. She was even more spectacular than I imagined her to be and seriously had to fight the uncontrollable urge I had to bury my face between her thighs. I was fucking desperate to go down on her for the next couple of hours. I had to slide my tongue inside her, so badly needing to taste her arousal on my face.
“So perfect.” I murmured reverently, breathing in her magnificent scent.
I was just about to touch her, I was just about to stroke the deliciousness of that sweet little pussy when my damn alarm clock went off, waking me up with a start. My heart is racing, it feels like it could leap out of my chest any second. Fuck, fuck, fuck! That dream was out of this world. It was crazy and utterly unforgivable, I know I’m going straight to hell for my elicit thoughts and am certain that I’m going to spend the rest of the day torturing myself with guilt.
The most despicable thing about it is the fact that a part of me really wants to go back to sleep. I want to finish that dream and see what happens next, I long to touch her, feel her and hear her moan my name, begging for my cock inside her.
I do seriously despise myself for being a typical bloke, for thinking with his dick and nothing else. I used to think I was so much better than the bastards out there who would cheat on their wives and girlfriends, I used to think I was superior to them because I’ve never done it. Now I know I’m just the same, fantasising about my fiancé’s sister is the lowest of the low. It’s despicable and I don’t expect anyone to understand it or tell me it’s ok.
I stay in bed for a while, reluctant to drag myself out of my room so I can pretend that everything is normal. I consider taking a shower before I go downstairs, I can’t remember being this horny before and my erection is straining against my boxers, begging for a release. It would be so easy for me to phone Rachel right now, I know it wouldn’t take much persuasion on my part to convince her to come over. We’re both used to sex first thing on a morning and I can imagine her being just as frustrated as I am right now. It’s been a few days since we’ve been together but I just can’t risk it, I’ve just dreamt about having sex with her sister and that’s exactly who I’d be thinking about if I were to be with Rachel. I won’t do that to her, it would feel like a betrayal and I refuse to do it. Emotional cheating seems to be even more devious than the physical kind.
I really don’t know how I’m going to get through this or how I’m going to fight the undeniable, indisputable temptation of constantly being around someone I can never have. I’m screwed. I’m well and truly screwed. If I don’t have that girl, if I don’t satisfy my curiosity soon… I’m going to go insane. I beat myself up about it for the rest of the day, I’m so close to the point of actually losing it, I can guarantee that things are going to get worse before they get better.
Twelve hours later… I’ve persecuted myself all day about this but I’ve finally come to a decision. It’s messed up, twisted and sinful but at least I’ve made a choice about what I’m going to do next. I love Rachel and want to make a go of things with her. I proposed to her and meant every word I said when I asked her to spend the rest of her life with me. I can’t afford to lose that and know that if I want to save my relationship… I have to do this. I have to know. I have no idea how Sam’s going to react to what I have to say, this could ruin absolutely everything, my whole world could crumble around me at any moment. Unfortunately, that’s a risk I’m more than willing to take.
I need one night with Samantha, one night to get her out of my system, one night to appease my desperation, the one which threatens to consume my whole being. One night. All I need is one night with her. I’m determined to get what I want and what I want is Samantha.
I’m going to make her mine, I’m going to find out what it feels like to be inside her. It’s the only way, it’s the only way I’ll be able to move forward and get past this. I know I’m going to have to convince her that it’s the right thing to do, I somehow have to persuade her that it’s the only solution I can think of to save my relationship with Rachel. It’s the only way I can keep everything afloat.
One fuck and she’ll be gone. One night with my dick inside her is all I’ll need to erase her from my head. After that it will be like she never even existed. Things will be back to normal and I’ll be able to focus on my engagement and my upcoming wedding without this girl invading my life.
One night.
One night is all it will take to forget her.
One night to find out.
One night to remove her from my mind.
One night to move forward. That’s all it will take and it’s exactly what I’m going to get.