Chapter Sixteen
Two weeks later…
Fourteen days. That’s how long it’s been since my emotional breakdown on the floor of my bathroom. Fourteen days since I spoke to Zack and fourteen days since I last saw him. Fourteen days since the confrontation with my mother and fourteen days since I fled.
I’ve been hiding out at Audrey’s for the past two weeks, refusing to get in contact with anyone. It’s as though I’ve somehow managed to cut myself off from the rest of the world, I’ve isolated myself to the point that I’m now too terrified to return.
I left my apartment two weeks ago and came straight here. I turned up in the middle of the night on my boss’s doorstep, frozen, destroyed and utterly bewildered as to how I even got there. She ushered me in and ran me a hot bath before forcing me to eat something small. She then put me to bed and let me sleep for twelve hours. I woke up the next day around noon wondering where the hell I was.
Audrey sat with me for the remainder of the day, offering me her kindness, understanding, compassion and empathy. She proved to me what a remarkable woman she really is and I know I will never be able to repay her kindness. She eventually convinced me to send Rachel a text, letting her know that I’m ok and not to worry about my whereabouts. I really didn’t want to contact anyone but knew that if I didn’t there was every chance that Rachel or even Zack would phone the police and report me missing.
I made sure that the text message to my sister was concise and straight to the point, informing her that I once again needed some space and was staying with a friend for a few days until I figured things out. I told her not to worry and that I would be in touch when I was ready, I asked her to give me some space and respect my decision. I purposefully switched my phone off after I sent that text and haven’t switched it on since. I also knew that Rachel might turn up at my work asking for me and for that reason Audrey allowed me to take even more time off.
I’ve been spending the majority of my days indoors, watching daytime TV and waiting for Audrey to get home from work. We’ve been out for a meal and to the cinema a couple of times but that’s about it.
I dream about him every single night. I wake up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding inside my chest, sometimes even calling out his name. Most nights I soak my pillow from all the tears I’ve shed and deliberately refrain from looking at myself in the mirror the next day. My eyes are permanently red and swollen from the amount of hours I spend crying. However, the dream I had last night was the worst one yet.
I dreamt about the wedding. In my dream I was stood there in my dress, behind my sister as I watched her make her vows to the man I loved. I kept trying to make him look at me but refused, staring blankly ahead at his wife-to-be. It came to the inevitable and infamous moment when the registrar asks if there be anyone present who may show just and lawful cause why this couple may not lawfully be married. As the officiant asked the congregation to speak up or forever hold their peace, I tried my hardest to open my mouth and say something but for some reason I physically couldn’t. My lips were sewn together and I could not utter a single word to try and stop the ceremony. Zack was declaring his undying love for Rachel and I was powerless to stop it. My arms were glued to my sides so I couldn’t even distract him, I was completely invisible to him.
That was the moment I woke up, breathless and frozen with fear. My nightmare left me feeling exhausted and that’s why I haven’t done much today. It’s Saturday and I felt bad for Audrey being stuck indoors with me again and that’s why I convinced her to go out and meet up with a friend she’s been meaning to visit. We’re supposed to be going out to eat later on tonight when she gets back and even though I’m not entirely sure I can be bothered I’m determined to make the effort for Audrey’s sake.
I’m currently curled up on the sofa watching one of my favourite movies in the world, ‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.’ I’ve already watched ‘Moulin Rouge’ which I knew would reduce me to tears and of course it did. I’m completely lost in the movie when I hear the front doorbell ring. I glance at the clock on the mantelpiece, realising its far too early for Audrey to be back from her friend’s house yet. Deciding to ignore it and thinking it will only be a door-to-door salesman, I turn the TV up, wanting to block out the sound of the outside world. It’s only when I hear Rachel’s voice through the letterbox that I jump up out of my seat, my heart thumping against my chest.
“Samantha, it’s me. Please open the door. It’s really important.” She begs me, pleading from the other side of the door.
I pause for a moment, contemplating my next move. Do I answer? Should I ignore her and hope that she’ll eventually admit defeat and leave? Either way, she knows I’m here. She’s not going to give up without a fight and I know it’s far better for me to face her sooner rather than later.
“Hi.” I say softly, feeling timid and self-conscious when I open the door.
“Wow, your hair!” Rachel exclaims loudly. “It looks great.”
“Thanks, I got it done a couple of weeks ago.”
“Well, I like it. It suits you.” She compliments me warmly, allowing her gaze to wander up and down the rest of my body. “May I come in?”
“Of course, come on through.”
I step aside and let her pass, inhaling her expensive perfume as she walks by me. My sister looks immaculate as usual, dressed in a smart pair of black trousers and a matching jacket. It accentuates her slim figure, making her appear stylish and effortlessly chic. Her gorgeous display of perfection is enough to make me look down at my own choice of clothing. My casual stay-at-home attire fails to measure up the glamour that my sister exudes.
“Is Audrey home?” She asks, bringing me back to the present moment.
“No, she’s visiting a friend this afternoon.” I inform her, taking a seat on the sofa as I pause the movie I was half way through watching. “How did you find me?”
“It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. In your text you told me you were staying with a friend. Once I ruled out Jason and then found out you haven’t been going into work… that’s when I put two and two together.”
“How do you know I haven’t been going?” I ask in confusion.
“I phoned them up and asked to speak to you. The receptionist told me that you were on holiday and she wasn’t quite sure when you’d be back.”
“And how did you find out where Audrey lives?”
“I dropped you off here once. It was a long time ago and I can’t recall the reason why but I somehow managed to remember her address and that’s what brought me here.”
“I see.” I reply quietly, lowering my gaze towards my lap.
“You’re not happy that I came, are you?” She says softly, the disappointment clear in his voice.
“Of course I am. It’s great to see you.” I lie, forcing myself to smile warmly.
None of this is Rachel’s fault and as awkward and uncomfortable as it is right now for me to see her, I also realise that she is the one and only person who isn’t responsible for any of this.
“Would you like a coffee or anything?”
“None for me, thanks.”
“Mind if I make one for myself?”
“Of course not.”
She follows me into the kitchen where I put the kettle on, reaching for a cup and fetching the milk out of the fridge. I’m willing to focus on anything which will work as a distraction, otherwise I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next few minutes.
“So, why are you here, Sam?” She inevitably asks, folding her arms as she leans back against the counter.
“I explained everything in my text.” I say brusquely, pointedly trying to evade further questioning.
“Not exactly. You said you needed some space and time away to clear your head.”
“Precisely.”
“Sam, what’s going on? I know you’re not happy here, it’s written all over your face.” She persists, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“I’m ok, I promise you.”
I shrug off her gentle touch, realising just how terrible it makes me feel with her being so kind and considerate towards me. She’s my sister and she’s trying to help, oblivious to the fact that I’m the one who could destroy everything, the route of all her problems and the one person in her life she could do without.
“You’re a terrible liar.” She perseveres, tucking a strand of my hair back behind my ear.
“Rachel, I appreciate you checking up on me, I really do. It’s just… I’m not ready to come home yet.”
“But why? What is it you’re running from? If you tell me, we might be able to work through it together. I’ll help you, Sam. Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”
Her patience and benevolence is enough to tip me over the edge. I bang down my empty coffee cup, cradling my head in my hands.
“God, Rachel. If you only knew the half of it.” I sob, unable to fight against the onslaught of emotion which overtakes me.
“Sweetie, what don’t I know? You can tell me, there’s nothing you can say or do that would make me think any less of you. You’re my baby sister, I’m here for you no matter what.”
“You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve you, none of us do.” I whisper.
“Well, I don’t agree with that statement when it concerns you but I might just understand where you’re coming from when it comes to that fiancé of mine.” She sighs ponderously, completely lost in her own thoughts for a moment.
“Zack?” I inquire, startled by the way his name sounds on my lips. “Are things still not right between you?”
“No.” She admits, glancing down at the floor. “But that’s not important right now. All that matters is you and what’s troubling you. I came here to help you, not talk about myself.”
“Rachel, you’re my sister too. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Are you sure you want to hear about it? I know you’ve got your own stuff going on at the moment.”
“One hundred percent. Come on, let’s take this through to the living room.”
I finish making my coffee and lead her back into the main area of the house. As wrong and twisted as this is, I am so desperate to hear any news about Zack. I despise myself for needing to know about him but I just can’t help it. I’ve always been powerless when it comes to that man and the way he makes me feel.
“I don’t really know where to start. The last time I saw you I was feeling really positive about things, Zack and I had slept together the night before and I truly thought that things were going to pick up from there.”
She sounds so helpless and forlorn. I long to reach out for her to provide her with some comfort but truly believe that I no longer have the right. I’m not even worthy of touching her.
“And they haven’t?” I ask, struggling to hide my curiosity and the desperation I have to hear about him.
“No. If anything, it’s gone from bad to worse. He barely looks at me, let alone talk to me and sometimes… I catch him glaring at me, almost with resentment in his eyes.” She confesses, wringing her hands together in distress and anguish.
“Surely not. Why on earth would he resent you?”
“I don’t know.” She exhales deeply. “I’m pretty sure it could be about the wedding. Ever since we came back up here things have been different between us. I actually had to get him drunk just to have sex with me two weeks ago.”
“What?”
I already heard this from Zack but to hear it from Rachel is something else entirely. I’m still hurt, jealous and extraordinarily sickened by the fact that the man I love slept with someone else but at least I know for certain that he told me the truth. He was drunk the night they had sex and he was only in that state because I had disappeared.
Which you have done to him again. My subconscious taunts me, piercing my conscience with guilt.
“I know it sounds awful and I don’t feel great about what I did.” She tells me, sounding guilty. “But I can honestly say that I have no regrets about what happened between us that night… not now.”
“What do you mean?” I ask uncertainly, not sure where she is actually going with this.
“Oh, Sam. I really didn’t plan on saying anything to you, not yet. No one else knows, not even Zack.” She murmurs, chewing on her lower lip apprehensively.
“Rachel, you’re not…?”
I can’t even bring myself to finish the sentence. Surely… surely she can’t be. It’s just not possible.
“Pregnant?” She smiles sweetly, unable to mask the unmistakable joy on her face. “Yes I am.”