Chapter Nine
Samantha
I had a wonderful weekend with my sister. We visited York on Saturday and had a fabulous time. The sun shone, the temperature was warm and my mood was lifted. I know this seems impossible but it’s the truth. I feel better somehow, now that I’ve arranged the night I’m going to spend with Zack on Friday. It’s almost a release to know that it’s actually going to happen, we’re going to be together and there’s no turning back. I won’t go against the choice I’ve come to make and neither will he.
I forgot how incredible it was to spend some one on one time with my sister and I vow to make more of an effort with her from now on. I want to enjoy every single second I have with her before she throws herself right into the preparations for the wedding in the August.
I spent Saturday night with Rachel but today I’m back home. Knowing my mum was due home was reason enough for me to get the hell out of there before she got back.
“Thanks for a wonderful weekend. I had the best time.” Rachel said to me, giving me a tight hug before I left.
“You’re welcome. We’re definitely doing it again sometime.” I assured her, trying to ignore the devastating guilt which was already threatening to tear me apart.
“I can’t even remember the last time I had so much fun.”
“That can’t be right.”
I spoke with certainty. My sister has a thousand friends, each and every one of them far more exciting than I am.
“Seriously. I’ve missed you.” She confessed, the honesty in her eyes convinced me she was telling me the truth.
“I’ll see you again soon. You can call me anytime.”
I gave her another hug before I turned to walk down the driveway.
“Are you free on Friday?” She blurted out after me, an expectant look on her face.
“This Friday?” I asked nervously, praying to God my deception would not show.
“Yep. Zack’s going away for the night. He’s catching up with some old work buddies of his who are coming up for the weekend. I’m going to be on my own if you fancy doing something just let me know.”
“I’m actually busy on Friday. Jason and I are going away for the night. We haven’t spent much time together lately so we thought we’d get a cheap hotel and enjoy the weekend together.” I lie, averting my gaze from the trusting one that belongs to my sister.
“That’s so sweet. Although… it sounds like a romantic mini break or something. You sure there’s nothing you want to tell me about the two of you?” She raised her eyebrows at me, clearly hoping there was something going on between us.
“There’s nothing going on. We’re just friends.” I promise her.
“If you say so.”
I spend the rest of the evening with Jason. He apologised for being bad tempered on Friday and I forgive him straight away. There’s no point in holding grudges and to be honest, I have far too much on my mind right now to even think about the little spat Jason and I had.
“Are you sure you’re ok, you’ve been really quiet since you got back from Rachel’s.” Jason asks, turning the volume down on the TV.
“I’m fine. I didn’t get much sleep over the weekend, I’m probably still a bit tired.” I explain, shrugging it off as though it’s no big deal.
Jason knows me so well, it’s getting more and more difficult to conceal my secret from him. I know he wouldn’t approve and he’s always been so overprotective of me. Sometimes he’s more like a big brother than he is a best friend.
“Are you sure? It’s as though something’s been bothering you for a few weeks now.” His concern is touching and a part of me really does want to confess everything. The burden on my shoulders is growing heavier each day, the guilt is already eating me alive and I know it will only be worse after Zack and I spend the night together on Friday.
“I suppose I’m just a bit anxious at the moment. I’ll be ok.” I force a smile, hoping he’ll be like my sister and accept my answer.
“Your therapy starts soon, right?”
“I’m on the waiting list.”
“Well, at least that’s something.”
“Yep.”
“You know… I really am sorry for the way I spoke to you on Friday. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I just missed my best friend and handled it very badly.”
He’s so apologetic and sincere, I really don’t deserve someone as special as Jason to be my friend. He’s extremely loyal and refuses to let his pride interfere with him saying sorry.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” I take hold of his hand and squeeze it, wanting to reassure him.
“Listen, let me make it up to you. We can go out on Friday night, maybe to the cinema or we could go out for a meal? Just the two of us.” He grins at me expectantly, clearly excited about the prospect of us going out together.
Shit. I’ve already told Rachel that I’m going away with Jason for the weekend, now I’m going to have to deceive my best friend as well.
“I’ve got plans on Friday. Rachel’s fiancé is meeting up with some old friends of his so she asked me to do something with her that night.” I lie, despising my newfound level of deception and betrayal.
“OK, what about the three of us? We could still go out together.” He suggests, making it difficult for me to think of another excuse.
“I’m afraid its girls only. Sorry.”
I pick up our empty coffee cups from the table, hurrying into the kitchen to rinse them out. I need to get away from Jason for a second, I feel like he can see the deceit written all over my face and I can’t bear it. He would be appalled if he found out the truth, there’s no way he would understand why I have to go through with this, why I feel compelled to be with Zack and experience one night with him.
“Need any help?” Jason asks, wandering into the kitchen and leaning against the countertop.
“I’m pretty tired. I think I’m just going to go straight to bed if you don’t mind leaving early?”
“Sure but you’re not at work tomorrow and you want to go to sleep so early?” He frowns, glancing at me in concern.
I only work part time at the nursery. I have Monday and Wednesday off and work the three remaining days. I forgot all about this and chastise myself for my negligence. There’s no reason why I should want to go to bed so early and I know Jason will be able to see through my lie.
“I’ve had a hectic weekend with Rachel. I just want an early night.”
“Ok, I’ll go.”
He gives me a hug, leaving me alone in the kitchen whilst he lets himself out of my apartment. I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I hear him leave, cradling my head in my hands as exhaustion really does start to take over. The sound of my phone buzzing distracts me from my contemplation, forcing me to go in search of it. I half expect it to be Jason sending me a goodnight text or something.
It isn’t.
It’s not Jason.
It’s Zack.
A million different thoughts race through my mind when I see his name on my phone’s screen. Has he changed his mind? Does he want to forget about the whole thing? Has he confessed everything to Rachel? Has she found out? The suspense is killing me and I can’t take it anymore, I have to know. Opening the message, my eyes widen with surprise as I read it.
Zack: I just thought I’d check in with you to make sure you’re ok. I’m glad to hear you had a great weekend with Rachel, she said you two had a fun together. I also thought I should let you know that I’ve told her I’m meeting up with some friends of mine on Friday and I don’t want you to think I’ve changed my mind about our arrangement. I haven’t.
Rachel already told me about your plans on Friday night. I had to lie to her as well, I used Jason as an excuse. It felt horrible to deceive her like that.
I hit send and wait for this reply. It comes within seconds.
Zack: I know, I’ve felt guilty about it all day but we don’t have a choice, we both know we need to do this.
Don’t worry, I realise we can’t back out now.
Zack: Good. I thought you were going to tell me you had changed your mine. I’ve booked the hotel for Friday. I’ll meet you there at eight.
He tells me the name of the hotel which leaves me speechless. It’s the grandest place I know and I can scarcely believe it’s the venue he’s chosen for us to stay.
Are you serious?
The hotel he’s booked is beautiful. It’s a historical and ostentatious hotel, somewhere I’ve always wanted dreamt about staying. I’ve frequently browsed through the photos online, fantasising about which room I would choose and who I would go with.
Zack: Yes.
Zack: Is there a problem?
It’s just… a little extravagant. I was expecting something different.
Zack: I’ve stayed there before, it’s really nice. I’m sure you will like it. Although, I can cancel the reservation if you want me to and book somewhere else?
No. No, it’s fine.
Now that I know it’s the place he chose for us, I can’t imagine staying anywhere else.
Zack: Good. I can’t wait.
I’m nervous.
I regret my reply as soon as I send it. What possessed me to admit that to him? Now he’s probably going to change his mind and cancel the whole thing.
Zack: There’s no need to be.
Ok, that doesn’t help.
Zack: Listen, I’m not going to deny how much I want you but I’m not going to force you into anything. We don’t necessarily have to be confined to the hotel room all night. We can go for a drive, talk, grab some food or take a walk. I realise we need to discuss things. You’re going to be my sister-in-law and we’re always going to be a part of each other’s lives.
I stare at his message for several minutes, contemplating everything he just said. He’s right. Zack is always going to be there, he’s going to be my sister’s husband and there’s nothing I can do about it. One day they will go on to have children, I’ll be their auntie and still have to live with the fact that I slept with their father before he married their mum. It’s beyond disgusting and if I thought for one moment that there was another way out of this, I would take it.
The rest of the week is uneventful. I try to throw myself into my work, ignoring the anxiety which threatens to take hold of me every single day. I was suffering before I even made this arrangement with Zack, I must have been out of my mind to think that I could cope with this. I’m so tempted to make an appointment with my doctor, I’m desperate to find someone I can talk to, someone who won’t judge me and who can provide me with some helpful advice. Of course I know I can’t just blurt all of this out to a professional and expect him to tell me everything will be alright. I need to learn how to deal with things by myself, how to cope with difficult situations and my tumultuous emotions without asking for help.
On Thursday I can hardly concentrate, my mind is elsewhere and I know Audrey can tell that something is wrong. She keeps on giving me these looks throughout the day and I know she’s trying to figure out what could be troubling me. If only she knew…
By the time I get back home I’m a nervous wreck. In less than twenty-four hours I’ll actually be meeting Zack at the hotel and I still can’t bring myself to actually believe it’s going to happen. I’ve continued to dream about him every single night this week, he invades my mind, disturbs my sleep and penetrates my subconscious. I haven’t seen him since Friday but I still feel like he’s everywhere I go, his presence surrounds me to the point that I can’t concentrate or focus on anything else besides Zack.
I purposefully switch my phone off for the rest of the night, terrified that Rachel will text me and it will bring on another anxiety attack. I’ve been through hell this week and I know it’s all down to the agonising decision I came to make last week about Zack. I haven’t seen my sister since we spent the weekend together and I hope my absence over the past few days have not aroused her suspicions.
Jason and I have only hung out once since Sunday. I’m sure he knows something’s troubling me and I keep on catching him giving me these worried little glances when he thinks I’m not looking. I wish I could confide in him but Jason’s always been a little overprotective of me and I don’t want him to come to the wrong conclusion about Zack. I’m certain Jason would think he’s taking advantage of me when that’s not what it is at all.
I want Zack just as much as he wants me. I know we need to experience one night together if we have any hope of getting past this. Never in my life have I felt so drawn to another human being, it’s as though he’s awakened something inside of me which was sleeping and docile until now. It’s like I’m finally awake, alive, alert and captivated, captivated by him.
It’s gone seven and I’m restless. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and need to get out of the apartment before I go insane. This is when I hate not being able to drive, owning my own car would be amazing. I could just grab my keys and go, clear my head and stabilise my mixed up thoughts.
Wait. Why can’t I do that right now? I can still get out of here and clear my head, why should being without a car prevent me from doing that? I’m quick to make my decision once I’ve reached it, grabbing my keys and heading out the door.
The only place I can think of to go is the lake. The place Zack took me two weeks ago, where we sat and talked about the overwhelming and growing attraction between us. That was only thirteen days ago and yet it feels like a lifetime. I reach for my phone and call a taxi, knowing that’s the only place that will bring me any peace of mind right now. I hope to gain a sense of clarity as soon as I get there and know it’s where I have to go the night before I meet Zack.
My taxi doesn’t take long to arrive and I hop in the back, plugging my earphones in so I don’t have to make any small talk with the driver. I ask him to take me part of the way, letting him know he can pull over when we reach a small pub near the lake, wanting to walk the rest of the way by myself. It’s a fairly pleasant evening so I really don’t mind.
The lake looks exactly the same but I can now observe more of the surrounding scenery than I could the night Zack brought me out here. It’s much earlier in the evening than it was the night we came but the peace and tranquillity I absorbed from that night is exactly the same. I take a seat on the bench, exhaling loudly. This is the first time I’ve been alone all week without being observed and I plan on taking full advantage of the situation.
Selecting the first song that springs to mind, I breathe in deeply, trying to regain some control over my anxiety. This is the time of day when it’s at its worst and it becomes increasingly difficult for me to remember my rational way of thinking and calming strategies. I can relate to every single word being sung by Shania Twain as I listen to one of my favourite songs ‘It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing.’
The tears I’ve struggled all week to contain finally begin to fall, relentless and ongoing with no sign of stopping. I can’t help but think what on earth has happened to me? What have I become and where do I go from here? My life is an absolute mess, I have no idea where I’m headed or which direction I should choose. I can’t help comparing myself to my beautiful, accomplished and talented sister. She’s always been light-years ahead of me in every single sense and I know that will never change. She’s successful, sophisticated and ambitious as well as being everything I’m not. She even has the perfect fiancé, the man I plan on sleeping with tomorrow night. I know one night is all I will ever get with Zack. He belongs to someone else and that’s just the way it is.
My phone startles me, vibrating in my pocket and pulling me out of my reverie. I reach for it and pull out my earphones, wiping away my tears as I glance down at the screen.
Zack.
Fuck. Has he changed his mind? Is he sending me a message to let me know he can’t go through with it? I can’t think of any other reason why he would contact me the night before we’re due to meet. I take a deep breath and open my message, preparing myself for the worst.
Zack: I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now but I have to know that you’re ok. I’ve been wanting to get in contact with you all week to see how you are but knew you wouldn’t appreciate me bombarding you with messages every single day. So… how are you? You feeling ok?
How do I even begin to respond to something like that? Am I ok? No. How am I feeling? Awful. I consider ignoring his message but know I’ll have to respond sooner rather than later.
I’m feeling… confused, scared, alone and terrified. Guess where I am right now?
Zack: Where are you?
The lake.
Zack: Are you serious? What made you go there? You’re by yourself?
I don’t know what possessed me to come here and yes… I’m alone.
My phone starts to ring within seconds, Zack’s name flashing up across the screen. My hands are shaking as I bring the phone towards my ear, moistening my lips before I answer.
“Hello?”
“Why are you there by yourself? You know how isolated it is. It’s in the middle of nowhere and it’s really not safe for you to be there on your own, especially at this time.”
“I can’t explain it but I just felt the need to come here. I’ll be leaving soon.” I tell him, raking my fingers through my hair.
“Will you text me and let me know as soon as you get back home? I want to know you’ve made it back alright.”
“You sound like you actually care.” I say drily.
“I do.”
There’s a prolonged silence and neither one of us are about to break it. I can’t stop thinking about what he just confessed to me. Did he just say that he cares about me? Did I imagine him saying that to me? Was it just wishful thinking?
“Zack…” I whisper softly, anxious to put an end to my wayward thinking.
“You know I do, Sam. That’s what makes this so difficult.”
“I still think we’ve lost our minds, what the hell are we doing?” I ask, feeling my eyes brim with more unshed tears.
“You know we don’t have a choice. We can’t carry on like this. I know I don’t have the strength to stay away from you for another second longer. Do you know how tempted I am to come and meet you right now?”
“You can’t. I’m about to leave and I thought you’d be spending the night with Rachel.” I murmur quietly.
Even the thought of them together causes me pain. I don’t know how I think I’m going to cope after tomorrow, I’ll be forced to witness their happiness for the rest of my life and I don’t know how I’m going to bear it.
“She wanted me to but I couldn’t face it, I just knew I’d feel too guilty.” He explains, lowering his voice.
“You really think you’re going to feel any better after tomorrow night?” I challenge him.
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I hope so but I have no fucking idea.” He groans in frustration.
I can’t help imagining him drag his own fingers through his hair, tugging on it in exasperation.
“Me neither. That’s what makes me so scared.” I admit, chewing on my nails with anxiety.
“Please don’t change your mind on me, Sam.”
“I’m not going to. I’ll be there, tomorrow night at eight.”
“I’ll see you then.” His tone is serious, determined and resolute.
No matter what happens… he expects to see me. I have half a feeling he will turn up at my door if I don’t show up tomorrow night.
I hang up the phone, clutching it against my chest. I sit there for a few more minutes before I phone another taxi, making my way back to the small pub I was first dropped off at. It’s difficult for me to leave the peace and tranquillity of the lake, to know that I’ll be returning to an empty apartment, a place I’ll have to spend the rest of the night alone, alone with my thoughts and fears.
I toss and turn in bed, unable to sleep and unable to think of anything but Zack and the hotel. I packed my overnight bag as soon as I got back home so have nothing to do now apart from sleep. I finally admit defeat and make my way into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water, it’s only when I’m in there that I realise there’s an awful howling noise outside. I peek out the kitchen window and gasp when I see the destructive thunderstorm that’s going on outside. I’ve never witnessed anything like this before, the trees are violently swaying, the roof tiles are rattling and the gale force wind is screeching.
A spring storm is the last thing I was expecting and I can’t help thinking it’s a sign of what’s to come. Destruction, disaster and demolition right before my very eyes. A warning that the calm before the storm will not last forever. We must all face the consequences, the rain and the thunder… eventually.