Chapter Nineteen
I wake up early the next morning to find that Zack is already up and dressed. He brings me a cup of coffee before taking a seat on the side of the bed, resting his elbows on his knees as he lets out a heavy sigh.
“Zack, you look like you haven’t slept in weeks.” I tell him, sitting up to drink my steaming cup of coffee.
“I don’t think I have.” He smiles weakly. “Not properly.”
“You know I didn’t expect you to stay awake all night. I wanted you to get some rest too.”
“There was no point, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.”
He shrugs, making out like it doesn’t matter. Even though his mental and physical exertion is completely obvious to me.
“Have you spoken to Rachel yet?” I ask, eager to change the subject.
“I just phoned her a couple of minutes ago. She said she’s got the house all to herself for the day so I’m going to go round there in half an hour.”
I try to ignore how jealous this makes me, knowing that Zack and my sister will be together and talking about their baby. Something which has absolutely nothing to do with me, something I will never be a part of.
“You’re not supposed to know that she’s even pregnant.” I caution him. “What exactly are you going to say to her?”
“I don’t know, I’ll think of something. I can’t plan or rehearse what I’m going to say to her or I’ll just mess it up.” He groans, walking over towards the window.
“But you’re not going to tell her about us, are you?”
The idea of him hurting Rachel any more than he already has to is agonising for me. She will be irreparably heartbroken when she finds out that he wants to call off their engagement, let alone anything else.
“I promised you I wouldn’t… not yet.” He says quietly, rubbing the centre of his forehead as though he’s in pain.
“She’s going to be absolutely devastated.” I murmur softly.
“I know she is and that’s why I’m going to tell her as gently as I can.”
He reaches down to place a soft kiss on my head, inhaling deeply.
“Will you give me a call when you’re done?”
I hate how my question makes me sound so needy and pathetic. I also resent how vulnerable I am feeling now I’ve come to acknowledge how dependent I am on Zack. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, reminding me of a time when I felt even weaker than I do right now.
“I won’t need to call you.” He replies, casually picking up the jacket he left discarded at the foot of my bed the night before.
“Why not?”
“Because I’ll be coming straight back here.” He assures me, trailing his thumb along the length of my jawline. “As soon as I’ve made sure that she’s going be ok, I’ll be right back here with you.”
“Do you think that’s such a good idea?” I question him, full of doubt and uncertainty.
“I don’t care if it isn’t. I can’t be apart from you again, Samantha. I just can’t.”
“But we can’t stay here with Audrey and we can’t go back to my apartment either. Where are we going to go?”
“I want you to pack a few things whilst I’m gone and be ready for me by the time I get back. We need to get away from here, even if it’s just for a few days. We need some time alone together so we can figure out what we’re going to do next.”
“I can’t just leave? What about Rachel?”
“You really think you can keep the truth from her? She’ll be crying on your shoulder, begging you for an explanation as to why all of this has happened and why I’ve called off the engagement. It won’t be any good for you to stay here. Besides, it will only be for a few days.”
“Ok.” I acquiesce, realising there’s no point in arguing with him about this when his mind is made up.
He kisses me goodbye and walks out the door. I hear him call out his thanks to Audrey who must be downstairs and closes the front door behind him. I suddenly remember that he doesn’t have his car with him and how we had to get a taxi back here the night before. I race over to the window and spot him getting into black cab which is parked up the road.
I sigh deeply, preparing myself for the next couple of hours I have to wait. Hours which I know will be the most agonising of my entire life.
My phone rings two hours later, rousing me from the trance-like state I managed to fall into. I clamour off the bed and grab my mobile, failing to even check the caller ID on my phone’s screen.
“Hello?” I answer breathlessly, waiting to hear Zack’s voice on the other end.
“Samantha, it’s me.” Rachel sobs, sounding frantic. “I really need you.”
My heart rate accelerates as my palms turn sweaty. I clasp the phone to my ear, trying to ignore Zack’s warning he gave me earlier when he reminded me how terrible it would make me feel if I were to see Rachel right now, so soon after him breaking up with her.
“Rachel, are you ok? Where are you?” I ask, eagerly anticipating her answer.
“I’m at mum’s house and Zack just left… he knows about the baby.” She cries hysterically, struggling to vocalise what must have just happened.
“Do you want to come here? I’m still at Audrey’s but she won’t mind you coming over.” I encourage her, understanding how desperate she must be feeling right now.
“No, I really don’t think I could drive right now. Can you come and see me?” She pleads, sounding so desolate and alone.
Her simple request tug at my heart strings, leaving me with no other choice.
“Is mum there?” I inquire, resolute in my decision to never set foot in the same room as that woman ever again.
“No, she isn’t. She won’t be back home until later.”
“Ok, I’m on my way. I won’t be long, Rachel. I promise.”
“Just hurry.” She begs me, disconnecting the phone line before I have a chance to respond.
I race down the stairs, calling for Audrey to phone for a taxi. I’m frantic in my urgency to get to Rachel, surprised by how protective I suddenly feel over my sister and her sadness.
“I’ll take you, it will be much quicker than waiting for a cab.” Audrey advises me, grabbing her car keys before we head out the front door.
I didn’t think to bring anything with me in my haste to leave the house so fast, not even my phone which I dropped as soon as Rachel hung up on me.
“What do you think she knows?” Audrey asks, concentrating on the road ahead of her as we weave in and out of the Sunday afternoon traffic.
“Zack said he was only going to break off their engagement. We both thought it would be too much for her to handle if she were to find out the truth about us as well.”
“You’re probably right.” Audrey agrees, taking a sharp corner which she claims will make an excellent shortcut to my mother’s house. “And now there’s the baby to consider too.”
“I know, I know.” I wail despairingly. “God, this is such a mess, a complete and utter mess.”
“It is but there’s nothing you can do about that now, the damage has already been done. The most important thing now is helping your sister.”
We pull up outside a few minutes later, thanks to Audrey’s reckless driving. She doesn’t even get the chance to switch off the engine before I’m out the door and tearing down the long driveway. I already told her during the journey over here not to sit and wait for me, seeing as I have no idea how long I’m actually going to be here. I watch her drive away before I knock on the front door, announcing my arrival. Battling the terrible memory of the last time I stood out here like this.
The day I found out the truth about why my own mother despises me.
I inhale sharply, willing myself to forget everything about that dreadful day, reminding myself how important it is for me to direct all of my attention on Rachel and what she needs.
After several minutes I decide to try the front door and see if it’s unlocked. Under any other circumstances, I would simply call Rachel and let her know I’m outside but seeing as I’ve left my damn phone at home… I’m out of luck.
“Rach?” I call out. “Rachel, it’s me, Sam.”
There’s no response… just silence, making the house feel empty and eerie. I quietly tip-toe down the hall, checking the kitchen and the back garden before I search the dining room and then the main one.
“Rachel!” I call, raising my voice in case she’s in the shower or something.
There’s still no reply and the solitude I’ve come to find myself in is starting to scare me. Where the hell is she? I only spoke to her on the phone half an hour ago. Realising I have no other choice but to check upstairs, I take a deep breath and brace myself for the worst.
Every single step feels like a flaming marathon, heightening my fear as well as my heart rate. The first place I decide to check is Rachel’s bedroom, the nicest room in the house with the most gorgeous view. When we were kids we would always choose to hang out in there. She would tell me about all the boys who fancied her at school and all the girls who wanted to be her friend. I would listen and nod along, agreeing with every little thing she said, so desperate to be like my big sister. Despite it all, despite every wonderful thing that has ever happened to her, I have never envied her. I’ve never wanted anything that belonged to her… until now.
“Rachel, where are you?” I ask, opening the door to her bedroom.
Nothing.
No one is in here and there’s not a sign of anyone else being in the house. I sigh, taking a seat on the edge of her king size bed, wondering what I’m supposed to do next whilst praying that my sister is ok.
“So you finally made it?”
I whirl around towards the doorway to see Rachel stood there, leaning against the wall in front of it. As expected, she looks dreadful. Her hair is a mess, as though she’s been running her fingers through it and her mascara has ran, leaving black smudges across her face. Her eyes are swollen and her entire demeanour is fractured. She’s a shadow of her former self and the sight of her is enough to shatter my own heart into a thousand pieces.
I did this to her. Me.
“I’m so sorry, I came as quickly as I could.” I tell her, slowly making my way across the room. “Listen, I know this is a stupid question but how are you feeling?”
She starts to laugh, chuckling to herself at first until it turns into a hysterical and disturbing type of laughter.
“How am I feeling?” She repeats my ridiculous question, making it sound heartless and insensitive.
“I know it sounded stupid, Rachel. I just don’t know what else to say to you.” I confess, trying my best to handle the situation as tactfully as I can manage.
“How about sorry?” She questions me spitefully, narrowing her eyes at me in revulsion.
“Excuse me?”
“How about you try apologising to me.” She repeats, staring at me with hatred in her eyes.
“F-for what?” I stammer, taking a step back from the intimidating stranger in front of me.
“For screwing my fiancé behind my back.” She snarls contemptuously, circling around me like a predator eyeing up its prey.
I inhale sharply, covering my face with my hands.
She knows.
How long has she known? I wonder, unable to control the million and one thoughts spinning around inside my head. What exactly does she know and who told her? Surely not Zack? Not when he promised me that he wouldn’t.
“Rachel, I… I… don’t know what to say.” I whisper, hardly able to formulate the words inside my head, let alone speak them.
“Aww, fragile little Samantha is at a loss for words?” She taunts me, shoving me into the wall across the room. “Don’t worry, little sister. I have plenty of things I want to say to you.”
“How long have you known?” I ask, resisting the urge I have to rub my arm which got hurt when she pushed me.
“About thirty minutes.”
“Zack told you?” I gasp, struggling to believe that he would do such a thing.
“Oh, no. He was too much of a coward to tell me the whole truth. All he said was that he was no longer in love with me in the way that he should be and that he thought it would be best if we were to call off our engagement. He also gave me some spiel about wanting to raise the baby with me but I pretty much stopped listening as soon as he told me it was over.”
“So… who told you?” I ask again, trying to remember how she sounded on the phone when she called me.
There was no sign that she knew anything about me and Zack then, all I remember hearing is her absolute devastation and her request to see me as soon as possible.
“I did.”
My head jerks at the sound of her voice and my mouth falls open in shock when I notice my mother standing outside the bedroom in the hallway.
“Why?”
“Because my daughter had a right to know. She has a right to know what a conniving, deceitful, manipulative little bitch she has for a sister.” She concludes vindictively.
“Mum overheard our phone conversation when I was begging you to come over and see me after Zack left. She had come home early and heard me pouring my heart out to you, making a complete and utter fool out of myself for believing that you were going to be there for me.”
“And that’s when I decided to tell her the truth.” My mum interjects, glowering at me in complete and utter abhorrence and detestation.
“She told me that you and Zack have been having an affair.” Rachel states coldly, continuing to stare at me with her lifeless eyes. “Is that true?”
“It’s not like that… I mean, it’s not as simple as that.” I stutter, unable to look her in the eyes, choosing to gaze at the floor beneath my feet instead.
“Is it true?!” She screams, slamming me back against the wall behind me again.
The pain in my back is excruciating, the blow winding me as I’m left feeling breathless.
“Yes!” I cry, finally raising my eyes up to meet with her own.
“And how long has it been going on for?” She demands, purposefully invading my personal space to scare me.
“A while.” I reply vaguely.
“How fucking long? If you don’t tell me, I swear to God I will kill you with my bare hands.” She threatens, completely certain that she will follow through on her actions.
“It was just over three weeks ago.” I admit, speaking quietly.
My mum is still in the doorway, observing her two daughters destroy one another. No doubt she has a malicious smirk on her face, triumphant when it comes to watching my annihilation.
“That’s when you first slept together?”
“Yes.”
“Where?”
“At a hotel.”
“What day? What time? And where the hell was I?” She yells, pressing me for information.
“A Friday.” I murmur softly. “We met at eight pm and I think you were just at home that night.”
“Was that the night you told me you were staying at the hotel with Jason?”
“Yes.” I say, nodding my head.
“The same night he told me that he was going away with some friends from work?”
I nod my head one more, turning red from the absolute shame and humiliation that I feel for my sinful behaviour. It’s unforgivable and despicable. I will never forgive myself. Ever.
“How many times?” She demands once again, her voice breaking with emotion for the first time since I stepped into her bedroom.
“What?”
“How many times did he fuck you?”
“Rachel, please.” I beg her, helpless against her relentless inquisition.
“Tell me!” She screeches, sinking her long nails into my shoulders.
“I don’t know!” I sob, attempting to hide my disgrace by concealing my face with my hands.
“Five? Fifteen? Fifty?!” She roars, violently shaking my neck feels like it’s going to break.
“No, I don’t know! Rachel, please. Please don’t do this.”
“Sweetheart, do try and calm down. She’s really not worth it and you have the baby to think of now. Zack’s baby.”
My mother’s acidic words, especially the emphasis she put on the part about Rachel carrying Zack’s baby did not go unnoticed. She knows exactly how to wound me, how to inflict her poison and decimate her youngest daughter.
She gives me a venomous little smirk before she turns and leaves, making her way down the stairs. I only realise that she has gone and chosen to leave the house completely when I hear the front door slam behind her.
“That’s right...” Rachel continues, ignoring the absence of our mother. “There is a little baby inside of me. His baby.”
“I know.” I mumble, refusing to wipe away the lone tear which has fallen and glides down my face.
“Do you remember that feeling, Sam?” She taunts me, slicing my heart open with her deliberate choosing of words. “Do you remember what it feels like to have an innocent baby inside of you?”
“You don’t have to do this, Rachel. I’m begging you, please don’t do this. I’ll get down on my knees if I have to but please don’t bring the past into this.”
“Why the hell shouldn’t I? You have taken what I love the most in this world and destroyed it. Why shouldn’t I do the exact same thing to you?” She cries, furiously wiping away her own tears that have now started to fall.
“I didn’t mean it to happen, neither of us did!”
“So what exactly happened?” She challenges me. “Because neither of you were drunk, you can’t even blame it on the alcohol and not thinking clearly. You actually planned it beforehand, you arranged to spend the night at the hotel and sleep together behind my back.”
“We… we both felt something for one another but couldn’t understand it. It made no sense to either of us and that’s why we thought that the night at the hotel would help. We thought it was the only way of making what we felt for each other disappear. We never wanted it to go any further than that one night. It was supposed to be a one time thing.”
“But it wasn’t?”
“No.” I admit, shaking my head.
“So when was the second time you slept together?”
I realise that she needs answers. She will not find any peace until she uncovers the truth and as shameful as it is for me to confess everything to her, I at least owe her that.
“The following day.”
“The Saturday?”
“Yes.”
“But that was the night we all went out, the evening we met up with you and Jason, right?” She asks, piecing it all together.
“I know.”
“So you had already slept together before you turned up at the restaurant?”
“No, it was afterwards. When he took me home.” I tell her, remembering the undeniable passion that existed between us that night.
“Wow… so you two were laughing at me the whole time, huh?” She chuckles softly, tugging her fingers through her long brown hair.
“I swear to you we weren’t. Not once.”
“And you really think I’m going to trust a dirty little liar like you?” She fiercely spits out.
“I’m not lying!”
“I know that’s what you are…” She whispers, pushing me back into the wall behind me. “You’re a slut, a liar and a messed up little freak who spends more time in therapy than she does in the real fucking world! I know you lied to mum about Harry. She told me about all the disgusting things you told her when we were kids.”
I inhale sharply, unable to breathe and catch my breath.
“She told you?”
“Yeah, she did. Before you arrived. She didn’t want you to be able to feed me anymore of your lies.”
“Rachel, I swear… I swear to God it’s the truth. He did do those things to me. I would never, ever lie about something like that. You know I that!”
“My father would not touch you. I know he wouldn’t.” She claims boldly, unflinching in her disbelief of what really happened.
“Your father?” I question her in astonishment. “How long have you known?”
“Mum just told me. She told me everything before you got here, just in case you tried to twist things and distort the truth for your own selfish reasons.” She pauses, her eyes casting over me in disgust. “You might have been able to fool Zack with your tragic little sob story but you can’t fool me. I presume you told him about what Harry supposedly did to you? That has to be the only reason he screwed you. He felt sorry for you. It was pity.”
I flinch from the sharpness of her words, battling against the desire I have to tell her otherwise. Part of me wants her to know just how much Zack loves me but then I remind myself just how much she must be hurting right now. I cannot even imagine what is going on inside her head right now. She’s found out so much, it’s far too much devastation and heartache to take in one day.
“I thought I knew you. I thought you were my sister.” She weeps uncontrollably, suddenly springing into action by tearing about the bedroom in a state of turmoil and chaos.
She rips the cover off her bed, upturning the wooden chest of drawers beside it and throwing the solid wardrobe upside down. It’s like a violent scene from a movie, one I can do nothing to prevent. I can’t even bring myself to look away, it’s so horrific.
“Rachel, stop! You’re going to hurt yourself! I sob, covering my mouth with my hands in disbelief as I watch her destroy everything in front of her.
“You think I care? You think I care about anything anymore? I have lost the two people in the world who mattered to me the most. My life is over!”
“It’s not! Please don’t say that.”
“I can’t stand this! The pain… I could kill you with my own hands!” She screams, almost deafening me with the volume of her voice.
She flies across the room towards me, tangling her fingers in my hair before she attempts to yank it from my scalp. I choke back the tears, fighting every instinct that I have to protect myself. I deserve this. I deserve her fury and her wrath. I deserve everything.
Her nails scratch my face as her hands twist and pull at my hair. Her violent shrieking fills the entire house, eliminating the silence I walked into when I first arrived. Her slaps sting and her legs kick out at me. She’s frantic in her attempt to wound me, to hurt me as much as my actions have destroyed her.
An astonishingly loud noise interrupts her brutal attack, startling us both when Zack bursts into the bedroom. His eyes takes in the destruction before him, the state of the bedroom and the state of my appearance. He leaps across the upturned furniture, wrapping one strong arm around Rachel’s waist as he physically drags her across the other side of the room.
“Get the fuck away from her!” He growls menacingly, dumping her in a heap by the corner of the room.
“How can you protect her after what she’s done to me? She’s ruined my life!” She moans, breaking down completely.
Zack ignores her, striding across the room towards me.
“Are you ok?” He asks softly, stroking his fingers through my hair as he gently turns my face to examine the deep cut on my cheek.
“I-I’m fine.” I stammer, unable to gain control over body’s violent trembling.
“Baby, you’re not fine… what has she done to you?” He cradles my tear-stained face, gazing down at me in concern and adoration.
“Don’t touch her.” Rachel shouts, scrambling across the room in my direction.
“Stop it!” Zack yells at her, placing himself in front of me so he can take the brunt of my sister’s second attack.
“Don’t tell me what to do, I have the right to claw her eyes out if I want to.”
“You’re going to have to get through me first.”
The piercing sound of the slap she gives him reverberates off every single wall. It must have hurt him but he doesn’t make a sound, refusing to back away from her and the protective barrier he has placed between us.
“How could you do this to me? How could you sleep with my sister? How could you choose her over me?”
She breaks down once again whilst her fists reign down on him, pummelling against his chest until he eventually reaches out to restrain her.
“Rachel, stop it! You’re going to hurt the baby and I won’t allow you to do that.” Zack warns her, seizing hold of her wrists in an attempt to calm her.
“That’s all you care about, isn’t it?” She snarls bitterly. “All you care about is this thing inside me. You don’t want me at all.”
The realisation of this and the fact that Zack failed to contradict her is enough to tip her over the edge. She collapses to the floor beneath his feet, hugging her knees to her chest as she sobs uncontrollably.
I long to help her. I long to ease just a fraction of the pain she is going through but know that any help or comfort from me would make it worse.
“I think I should go. You two still need to talk and there are things you both need to work out.” I whisper, lightly touching Zack on the shoulder.
“No, I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be by yourself right now.” He says decidedly, turning his back on Rachel to look at me.
“I’ll be fine.” I assure him, trying my best to sound somewhat convincing. “She really needs some answers right now and you owe her that.”
He sighs deeply, leading me by the elbow until we’re both standing in the hallway outside the bedroom.
“My car is outside.” He tells me. “Take my car keys and wait inside it until I’m done.”
“No, I want to go back to Audrey’s. I could really do with a friend.”
“Sam, I’m right here. I came back for you and the last thing I want is for us to be apart right now. I want you close by so I can make sure you’re safe.”
“How did you even know I was here?” I ask, confused as to why Zack would return here after he had just left.
“I left Audrey’s and picked up my car, coming straight here to speak to Rachel. Afterwards, I went straight back to Audrey’s like we had planned but no one was home. I waited several minutes and kept on trying to call you, growing more and more frantic by the minute. Audrey eventually came back and told me you had received a phone call from Rachel who was absolutely distraught and desperate to see you. Anyway, I raced over here as soon as she told me that and heard Rachel screaming as soon as I pulled up outside. Thank God the front door wasn’t locked or I might not have been able to get to you in time.”
“I see.”
I acknowledge his explanation, thankful for Zack turning up here when he did. God knows what might have happened if he hadn’t.
“How does Rachel know about us? Did you tell her?”
He looks really angry, as though he genuinely believes I would do such a thing.
“Of course I didn’t. My mother came back home whilst Rachel was on the phone to me and told her. She just left us to it just before you arrived.” I inform him bitterly, resenting my mother even more than I did before today. “She also told her that harry is her real father and that everything I told her about him is a lie. Rachel thinks I made the whole thing up.”
“That bitch.” He growls darkly, exhaling loudly.
“Zack, you need to speak to Rachel, I’m really concerned about her state of mind. She’s going to make herself ill and all of this stress could really hurt the baby.”
He glances back into the bedroom where Rachel is still crying, rocking back and forth on the bedroom floor. It’s as though she’s in agony, which I know she probably is.
And that’s all down to you. My vindictive subconscious gloats, goading me.
“You think she needs to see a doctor? Do you really think the baby is in danger?”
The fear in his voice and the panic on his face reveals just how much his unborn child already means to him, slicing my own fragile heart in two.
“Just try and calm her down.” I advise him. “And don’t upset her any more than she already is.”
“How are you going to get back to Audrey’s? She’s not waiting for you, is she? Because I didn’t see her outside when I came in.”
“No, I told her to leave without me. I didn’t know how long I was going to be here.”
“Ok, so how will you get back?” He inquires, frowning in concern.
“I’ll phone a taxi from the phone downstairs before I leave. Please don’t worry about me, Zack. You need to stay here and please don’t give her a hard time about this.” I’m referring to the scratches on my face and my sore scalp, knowing that the last thing Rachel needs is Zack having a go at her about her violent outburst.
“She had no right to do that to you.” He says sharply, clenching his fists in anger.
“And I had no right to sleep with her fiancé but I still did it.” I reply drily.
“Samantha…”
“Look, I really have to go. I’ll talk to you later, Zack.”
I take one final look at my sister before I go, taking in the sadness and despair of such a vibrant young woman, the misery and the heartache that I inflicted and the pain I have caused.
It’s only when I close the front door on the house I used to call my home that I realise something… something heart-breaking and extremely poignant. My intuition and every single instinct throughout my body knows that I will never see my sister again.
Never.