Chapter Sixteen
Today. Today is a day that changed my life forever. It was a day I am now certain I will look back on in years to come and remember the exact date of it. It was the day that everything changed.
I rock back and forth on my bathroom floor, hugging my knees against my chest as I pray for the harrowing pain inside my body to go away. Tears cloud my vision as I sob violently, gulping for oxygen when my weeping becomes too intense. My phone has not stopped ringing since I walked through the door and I purposefully cover my ears with my hands in an attempt to blot out the shrill noise my ringtone emits.
I guess I best start at the beginning and rewind twelve hours, back to waking up in Zack’s arms this morning, blissfully at ease and almost hopeful for a future alongside the man sleeping beside me…
After the sensational moment we shared on the sofa last night, there was no question about Zack going home. He insisted on spending the night with me and refused to take no for an answer.
“I’m not leaving you, baby. It’s not happening.” He spoke decidedly, resolute in his decision to stay.
“But don’t you have to get back?” I asked him timidly.
“No, I’m staying right here. With you.”
We were both sat next to each other on the sofa, our fingers interlaced as he took hold of my hand.
“I’m so exhausted, Zack. I feel emotionally drained and all I want to do right now is fall into bed and go to sleep.”
“That’s fine by me, so long as you promise you won’t sneak out on me in the morning.”
I knew he was referring to the first night we spent together in the hotel and felt a sudden pang of guilt for the way I snuck out that night without saying a word to him.
“I-I’m sorry about that, I really am.” I apologised sincerely.
“Shh… that’s in the past now. All that matters is the present and the fact that we’re together now. Nothing and no one is going to tear us apart.”
“Everything will be ok wont it, Zack?”
“Sweetheart, I promise you it will be. I’m going to take care of you from now on and don’t want you to worry about anything.”
He leant in towards me, placing a gentle kiss against my lips. I moaned when I realised I was tasting my own arousal on him. The intensity of our kiss increased until we were both breathless, moaning and undeniably intoxicated with one another.
“Zack, I need you.”
“I need you too, baby. I need you so fucking bad.”
He picked me up from the sofa with zero amount of effort, carrying me into the bedroom before gently placing me on the bed. I was partially clothed seeing as I had put my underwear back on as soon as my earth-shattering and explosive orgasm left my body. I’m still somewhat self-conscious when it comes to being naked around Zack. His body is similar to a magnificent sculpture, exquisitely carved and moulded. He is the epitome of masculine beauty and it’s not hard for me to fail in comparison.
None of this seemed to matter when Zack yanked the tiny scraps of material from my body, gazing at my naked self in adoration and reverence.
“You are so beautiful.” He whispered, trailing his mouth across my neck as he continued to support his powerful weight above me.
I could feel myself start to blush, unfamiliar with such a direct compliment. Something else was bothering me too, something which I was struggling to ignore and did not wish to acknowledge.
Rachel.
My mind could not erase the image of them together, knowing that they had slept together just twenty four hours before was tormenting me and I was warring with myself over my mixed up feelings about it. In that moment I felt as though I were being torn in half. One side of me wanted him to continue, relishing in the exquisite sexual responses he awakened from my body. The other half of me wanted to tear his hands from my body, enraged and incensed that he had actually placed them on another.
“Stop!” I exclaimed loudly, firmly pushing my palms against his solid chest.
“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He asked, allowing me to shove him backwards and put some space between us.
“No it’s just… Rachel.” I whispered her name, scarcely able to speak it.
“Sam.” He sighed wearily, his shoulders drooping as he cradled his head in his hands.
“I know you’ve explained it all to me, I just can’t forget the fact that you made love to her last night.” I admit, feeling the temperature rise in my cheeks with embarrassment.
“I did not make love to her.” He wailed, landing his fist against the mattress in frustration. “It wasn’t like that. What happened last night was a mistake, one which I will not be repeating ever again. I was drunk and I was desperate, Sam. You have no idea how dark things were for me during the week you were gone. I was dangerously close to insanity because I truly believed I had lost you. You gave me no explanation for your disappearance, you just took off and left me. What the hell was I supposed to do?”
“Not sleep with her!” I cried, angrily wiping away my tears.
“I know! I know I should never have done it but I can’t erase what happened, Samantha. It will never happen again, I can assure you.”
“How can you promise me that?” I asked him, glaring at him incredulously.
“Because I’m not going to marry her. I’m going to call off the whole engagement.”
A silence fell between us as we continued to stare at one another, awaiting the other person’s next move.
“W-what?” I stammered, unable to come up with anything else.
“You really think I’m going to go ahead and marry your sister after all of this? After everything that’s transpired between us and the way I feel about you. You really think I would want to when…” He trailed off, averting his gaze from my own.
“When what?”
“When… I’m in love with you.” He mumbled softly, moistening his lips.
His stance was uneasy and it unnerved me. However, the transparency of his emotions was magnetic and I struggled to tear my eyes away from him. Vulnerability was not something I was used to witnessing from Zack and although it was disconcerting, it also intrigued me.
“Y-you love me?” I stumbled over my words, hardly capable of processing what he just said to me.
“You really have to ask?” He smiled, dazzling me with its brilliance.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.” He whispered, unable to keep the rejection out of his voice.
“How the hell is any of this going to work, Zack? She’s going to hate me. My own sister is going to hate me forever.”
“And yet I will still love you.” He claimed boldly, fixing those enticing brown eyes of his on mine.
“But I’m scared.” I told him, blurting out my fear.
“You never, ever have to be scared again.” He assured me, cradling my face in his hands. “I never want you to be afraid, Samantha. I promise you right now that I will always take care of you. We can move back to London together if you want and leave all of this behind. Fuck our bad reputations, get the hell out of here and be happy. I don’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks of me, the only opinion I value is yours. I know I only just moved back up here but my boss is fair, he will understand if I tell him my transition up here won’t work.”
“I don’t know if I could see myself living in London.” I admitted, trying to envision myself leading a whole new lifestyle in the capital city. “I’m not her.”
“Ok, that’s fine, we’ll go somewhere else. We can go anywhere you want, we can stay here if you feel comfortable or move someplace else if you don’t. We can either live together or I can find you your own apartment. That way you can have your own space but I still get to be close to you. Samantha, I’ll support you, I swear I will. You can have all the time you need to figure out what it is you really want to do and who you want to be.”
“You mean for a career?” I asked uncertainly.
“Anything you want. It’s not even essential that you have one, I can support the two of us.”
“Whoa, just hold on a second, Zack. All of this is going really, really fast. We don’t even know one other that well and you’re talking about us moving in together? You’re still engaged to my sister.” I complained, fighting the anxiety which had already begun to escalate in my mind.
“Not for much longer. I told you I’m going to call off the engagement.” He reassured me, placing a tender kiss on my forehead.
We were both naked within seconds, unable to get enough of one another. I banished the knowledge that the same hands that were touching me had been on someone else just twenty-four hours before and gave myself completely to the man I have somehow managed to fall in in love with.
“I need to be inside you.” He murmured softly against my ear, causing me to tremble with desire.
Our tongues intertwined as his mouth made love to mine, masterfully eliminating everything destructive about the evening we just shared. He stroked my hair, showering my face and then my neck with kisses. His hands found their way to my breasts, squeezing them gently as his thumbs drew circles around my nipples.
I gasped when his right hand slid down my naked body, finding its way between my legs. I felt incredibly self-conscious within that moment because I knew he would find me astonishingly aroused. This only seemed to turn Zack on even more and he groaned loudly, tightening the grasp he still had on my breast.
“God, you’re so wet. You’re so ready for me, baby.” He was breathing heavily, struggling to control himself.
His own arousal was pressing against me, stimulating my body in ways I cannot even begin to explain.
“Zack, I need you. I need you now.” I begged him, trailing my fingers down the entire length of his back.
“Fuck, I love it when you’re like this. I love it when you give yourself to me, when you become mine.” He growled, taking me by surprise as he thrust himself all the way inside me.
I felt so full and so complete, satisfied and… whole. All my life I haven’t been able to shake the fact that I have felt like an outsider, a spectator looking in and observing the events of my own life. With Zack, I no longer feel as though I’m on the side-lines, his presence in my life has allowed me to take centre stage and decide for myself who I am and who I want to be.
“Don’t stop.” I begged him, biting down onto the skin on his shoulder.
My action must have pushed him over the edge and he released himself inside of me just seconds later. I cradled him to me, wrapping my legs around his waist in an attempt to bring him even closer.
We fell asleep in each other’s arms, our limbs intertwined as he pulled my body against his. I slept soundly for the first time in God knows how long and woke up with a pleasant and care-free smile on my face.
All of this happened just twelve hours ago.
And now everything has changed…
Forever.
Zack and I had breakfast together once we actually managed to drag ourselves away from the bedroom. We had coffee together curled up on the sofa and for a couple of hours we could pretend. We tried ignoring the persistent phone calls from Rachel. We tried to act like we were a normal couple spending a regular Saturday morning together but it just didn’t work.
“You should go.” I told him, motioning towards his phone which had been going off for the last half an hour.
“I don’t want to, I want to stay here with you.” He complained, grabbing his phone before he switched it off in annoyance.
“I know you do but you need to get back, Rachel will be wondering where you are.” I whispered the last part, fighting the insurmountable jealousy swirling around inside me. “You planned on seeing her today, right?”
“We’re supposed to be going out for lunch with my parents. The table has been booked for ages.” He said reluctantly, sighing wearily.
“So you better go.” I smiled weakly, wanting to reassure him that I was strong enough to handle this.
The last thing I wanted him to know was how much it was killing me. The thought of Zack leaving me to go and meet up with my sister was beyond excruciating.
“I can always cancel. My parents will get over it and so will Rachel.” He spoke flippantly, as though none of it was a big deal for him.
“No, it’s fine. I need to spend some time with Jason today anyway.” I said casually, walking into the kitchen from the sofa we were sat on.
“What?”
“I haven’t see him all week, not since last Sunday.” I replied, busying myself with the washing up.
Anything to actually distract myself from the conversation I was actually having.
“So once I leave here you’re just going to invite him over?” He grabbed hold of my wrist, preventing me from carrying on with the task in front of me.
“No, it’s not like that. All I meant was I need to spend some time with him at some point today.”
“Really? And why is that?”
His words were spitefully sarcastic and cut through me like a knife. I flinched from the malice in his voice and wondered who this stranger was who now spoke to me so harshly.
“Zack, please don’t be jealous. There’s no need for you to be threatened by my friendship with Jason.” I reasoned with him.
“You sure about that? Why should I believe you?” He challenged me, tightening his fingers around my wrist in a vice-like grip.
“Because I’ve never lied to you before and I don’t intend to start now.” I told him, certain and assertive.
“But last week on the phone you said that Jason said something to you and you refused to tell me what it was.”
He leaned against the kitchen counter, studying me with his intense gaze.
“Oh… that.” I murmured, squirming with discomfort.
“Yes. Tell me what he said.”
“It was stupid, I’m sure he regrets it by now.” I assured him, trying my best to sound flippant and unaffected by it.
“Samantha, just tell me what he said.”
“He made some ridiculous suggestion about the two of us. I never took it seriously at the time and I still don’t.”
“What kind of suggestion?” He challenged me, resolute in his crusade to uncover the truth.
“It was nothing. He just mentioned something about us maybe starting a friends with benefits arrangement.” I shrugged it off, praying to God that my revelation would not make Zack suspicious.
“He said what?”
“Zack, I really didn’t take him seriously. He thought I’d spent the night with someone I hardly knew and I guess he thought it would be safer for me to… to be with him rather than meeting up with random people and risk my safety.”
“Oh, so he thought he should step in and offer to fuck you instead?” He snapped, slamming his fist against the kitchen counter.
“Zack!”
“It’s true, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not like that.” I spoke calmly, attempting to calm him and situation before it got out of hand.
“Please. I know how guys think and I know how their brains work. He fucking wants you and you know it.” He snarled venomously.
“So? Does that mean I automatically want him back? Does that mean I have no say in the matter?”
“Of course not.”
“Exactly.”
I turned my back on him, folding my arms across my chest in a defensive manner. I could not believe how he had just spoken to me. I was furious, indignant, incredulous and insulted.
“I’m sorry.” He eventually whispered, coming up behind me.
“So you should be.” I retorted harshly, unforgiving and resistant against his attempts to win me over.
“There’s something else I need to know.” He said, turning me around to look at him. “Why did you never tell Jason about what happened to you?”
I paused for a moment, considering for the first time why I had never done that and why I chose to keep something like that from my best friend.
“I suppose that after my own mother’s reaction… I never felt secure enough to confide in anyone else.”
“Not even Jason?”
“Not even him. He knows about the abortion and all of the other problems that I’ve encountered over the years but I never told him about Harry and what he did to me.”
“Don’t speak his name, baby. I never want to hear you say his name again.” Zack spoke firmly, tilting my chin up towards him.
“Fine by me.” I smiled weakly, trying to imagine a world where I would no longer be haunted by that man or what he did.
“I don’t want to leave you…” Zack groaned, trailing his lips across my neck.
“But… you have to.” I finished his sentence for him and pulled away, despising the fact that I was jealous.
“The last thing I want to do right now is go out for lunch with my Rachel and my parents.”
“But again… you have to.”
“I’ll phone you as soon as it’s done with. I promise.” He assured me, placing a soft kiss on my forehead.
I knew that Zack would still be insistent that we go to the police with the information about my uncle but I also knew I was nowhere near ready to even contemplate such a thing. For sixteen years I have kept this to myself, how on earth can he expect me to tell a whole bunch of strangers about what happened to me? He’s certain that the police will believe me but how can he be so sure? I’m certain that there must be loads of cases where the victim is not believed or there is simply not enough evidence for the law to convict the offender. I know they’re just going to ask me so many uncomfortable questions, they’re going to want to know why I didn’t tell anyone, why I didn’t go to the police and why my own mother refused to believe me when I eventually found the strength to open up to her.
I hardly knew what to do with myself once Zack had left. I considered phoning Jason and inviting him over but decided against it. I knew he would be able to see that something was troubling me and thought it was best to avoid him altogether for the time being.
I eventually managed to pull myself together, taking a shower and washing my hair. I couldn’t seem to tear my eyes away from the mirror, taking in my pale complexion and fair hair. I’m naturally a brunette but decided to go blonde a few years ago. I’m the complete opposite of my sister in every single way and I couldn’t help wondering how Zack could possibly find us both attractive. Rachel is tall, slender, olive skinned and has brown hair. It’s glossy and long, resting just above her waist, whereas mine is shorter and never seems to stay straight. I’m only five foot three inches tall and my skin is fair. I tried fake tan several years ago when I was convinced a darker shade would look good on me.
It didn’t.
It was an absolute disaster and since that day I’ve come to face the fact that I will never look like my sister. I know I’m not unattractive or anything, it’s just impossible to feel anything but plain and insignificant in comparison to Rachel. My mum used to say she thought she had one daughter with the beauty and one with the brains. However, when it turned out that Rachel was actually intelligent as well as beautiful… I was completely forgotten. My older sister is now an incredible actress on the West End stage and I’m… not. She’s everything I’m not and as I continued to stare at my reflection in the mirror, I realised that I simply failed to measure up.
My decision was made in an instant. I pulled myself out of my reverie, reached for the phone, made my appointment and was out the door in ten minutes. I could hardly believe that I was going to do it but felt resolute in my decision. I wanted to leave my past behind, I knew I had to change the deep-rooted opinions I have about myself and thought it was the only way within that moment to achieve it.
I left the hair salon two hours later. My wavy blonde hair was a thing of the past as I stepped out of the door with straight, sleek brown hair. I looked completely different and was startlingly surprised with the results. I couldn’t help myself from thinking about Zack and what his reaction would be to my transformation? Would he like it? Would he hate it? Would he ask me about my reasons for doing it?
I was so lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t even notice the person in front of me and collided right into him, dropping the contents of my handbag in the process.
“Gosh, I’m so sorry.” I apologised, bending down to retrieve my belongings.
“Don’t worry about it, let me help you.”
I lifted my gaze, wondering why I found the man’s voice so familiar and gasped when I noticed who it was I had bumped into.
Aaron. Zack’s younger brother.
“Hey! It’s Samantha, right?” He asked, gazing down at me.
“That’s right.” I murmured softly, absolutely mortified that he’s the one I had to barge into.
“How are you?” He asked, beaming down at me as he offered me his hand.
I took it as he helped me up onto my feet, struggling to ignore how nervous I suddenly felt being face to face with him again.
“I’m ok thanks.”
“That’s good.” He continued to stare at me, narrowing his eyes in contemplation. “Wow, I knew there was something different about you. I love the new hair. It really suits you.”
“Really?”
I could feel myself blushing, unfamiliar and somewhat uneasy when it came to receiving compliments.
“Yeah, I like it a lot.” He assured me, his eyes twinkling and bright.
“I only just got it done. I’m not exactly used to it yet.” I explain, raking a trembling hand through it.
“Seriously, it looks great. Awesome choice.”
“Thank you.” I moistened my lips and looked away, hoisting the strap of my handbag back onto my shoulder. “Well, I best be going. I’ll see you later.”
“Wait, you don’t fancy hanging out for an hour or so, do you? I’m kind of at a loose end this afternoon and could do with the company. Zack’s out with my parents and Rachel for some boring dinner thing. I wasn’t invited of course. Thank God.” He joked, rolling his eyes in a playful manner.
“Me neither.” I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice but I’m sure it must have been noticeable to him.
“Guess the two black sheep of the family have been left out in the cold, huh?”
“I’m definitely the black sheep when it comes to mine.” I replied, folding my arms across my chest.
“Me too.” He sighed, placing his hands in his pockets. “So… what do you say? Fancy hanging out for a little while? I have no ulterior motives, I swear. Besides, it will give us a chance to get to know each other a little better. Your sister is going to marry my brother and that’s practically family. It will also make the wedding day a whole less awkward if we know each other a little.”
His argument was compelling and made a lot of sense. I had no other plans for the rest of the day and knew that Zack could be held up with his dinner engagement for a while longer.
“Sure, ok then.” I acquiesced, smiling faintly.
I spent the rest of the afternoon with Aaron hanging out in my apartment and I was really surprised by how much fun I had and how great his company was. He made me laugh, he made me smile and he actually succeeded in helping me to forget most of my problems. I could hardly remember the last time I simply relaxed and enjoyed myself, savouring the exuberant and rejuvenated feeling it brought me.
“How often do you come up here to visit your parents? Rachel mentioned something about you living in Manchester?” I asked him.
“Yeah, I’ve been working down there for a couple of years now. I like it but try to come back up here every couple of weeks or so to check in with my folks.” He paused, glancing at me for a moment. “So how come you’ve always been the outcast in your family? What makes Rachel the ‘golden’ child?”
“Come on, you’ve seen her, she’s absolutely perfect. She’s successful, beautiful, kind, funny, witty and just… dazzling. She sparkles.”
“And you…?”
“Don’t.” I stated in a matter of fact tone.
“Now that is just crazy talk, Sam. You are every bit as beautiful as your sister. Of course you’re both different when it comes to your appearance but that doesn’t mean you’re unattractive or anything less than stunning.”
He spoke sincerely but I still found it difficult to believe him. The only person to ever compliment me in that way is Zack and it was disconcerting for me to hear his brother do the exact same thing.
“Aaron…”
“Look, I’m not coming onto you, Sam. I’m really not. I can’t deny the fact that you’re gorgeous but I’m not hitting on you right now.” He turned to face me on the sofa, zoning right in on me with a pair of brown eyes similar to Zack’s.
“But the last time I saw you I remember you being very flirtatious towards me, Aaron. Why should I believe you’re being any different now to how you were that day?” I asked him, placing my empty coffee cup on the table in front of me.
“That’s just the sort of guy I am to be honest. I had just caught a glimpse of you in a towel, dripping wet and looking sexy as hell. I really couldn’t help myself.”
“Stop!” I exclaimed loudly, playfully slapping him on the arm.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.” He chuckled mischievously. “That day was also about me pissing off my brother.”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“I guess can’t help but get sick of him being my parent’s favourite, the blue eyed boy who can’t do anything wrong, you know? I act out sometimes, I make mistakes and I feel like my mom and dad just don’t get that.”
“Wow, I’m sorry, Aaron. I had no idea.” I whispered, resisting the urge I had to reach out and comfort him.
I remembered the night I spent at the hotel with Zack when he told me that his mum and dad have always treated him and his brother the same and couldn’t help from wondering what made him believe this when Aaron was vehemently denying that it wasn’t the case.
“Yeah, well… it is what it is.”
All traces of humour had disappeared, leaving him somewhat desolate and sombre.
“But you’re successful, you no longer live with your parents and you have a job. I don’t see how that would make you inferior to anything that Zack is doing.” I argued.
“He’s the first born, he’s an accomplished architect and I guess my job fixing cars can never measure up. He always was the golden one, even when we were kids. He got the good grades, dated the best girls, he was awesome at sports and never let his free time distract him from what had to be done. He works hard and plays harder, a balance which I’ve never managed to get right.”
Aaron’s sincerity and the honesty in which he confided in me was completely overwhelming. The first time I met Zack’s brother was two weeks ago and at the time I labelled him as nothing but a harmless flirt and the honest truth is I couldn’t have been more wrong.
“Jeez, it sucks living in their shadow, doesn’t it?” I sighed deeply, trying to fight the increasing impulse I had to break down in tears.
“That’s for sure.” He paused, taking a moment to reflect on everything we discussed. “It’s going to be even worse now they’re married, you know.” He spoke casually, as though the knowledge of this should be obvious.
“What makes you say that?”
“‘Favourite son weds favourite daughter.’ It’s just too damn perfect. You just know that even their kids are going to be absolutely flawless.”
“You think they’ll have kids?” I asked, unable to control my surprise.
“Sure, why not? Zack’s always wanted to be a dad, there’s no way he would marry someone who doesn’t want to have his children.” He said confidently.
My heart almost stopped as soon as my brain managed to process what Aaron had just told me. I was unaware that being a parent was so important to Zack and the fact that I’m still entirely unsure when it comes to having another baby could turn out to be a damaging issue between us. The idea of children absolutely terrifies me and it has done since the end of my own pregnancy. Before that, all I ever wanted was a baby and I could not wait for the day that I would finally become a mum. I don’t know what happened to me but the devastating destruction my termination brought me has scarred me for life and the main consideration when it comes to scars is they don’t fade. Ever.
“Oh… I never knew that.” I murmured, fighting to conceal my trembling emotions.
The sound of my phone ringing from the other side of the room jerked me right out of my contemplation. I made my way over to my bag on the table and reached for it, glancing down at the screen to see Zack’s name flashing up at me. I immediately switched my phone off, knowing it would be impossible to speak to him in that moment.
“Anyone important?”
“No.” I lied, dropping the phone back into my bag. “Listen, I’m just going to use the bathroom real quick, back in a sec.”
I made my exit from the living room, hoping to keep my composure until I could be alone. I closed the bathroom door behind me, struggling to gain control over my erratic breathing. I could hardly believe that I had Zack’s brother in my sitting room. What the hell possessed me to confide in him like that? And why did I not feel uncomfortable or self-conscious when I did it? Talk about surreal.
I stayed in there for several minutes, battling the anxiety I could feel building up inside of me. The sound of Aaron raising his voice eventually coaxed me out of there, curiosity forcing me to go and find out what was going on.
“What the hell is up with you? You seriously need to calm the fuck down, Zack.” Aaron spoke angrily, pacing back and forth in agitation as he clutched the phone he was speaking on to his ear.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered softly, gently tapping him on the shoulder.
I couldn’t understand what was happening. I’d only been gone a few minutes… how could things have escalated in such a short space of time?
“That’s her, isn’t it? Put her on the phone right now.” Zack demanded loudly, sounding furious and beyond enraged.
“Why should I? She might not want to speak to you right now.” Aaron challenged him, clutching the phone even tighter.
“Just fucking do it.” Zack growled.
I swallowed nervously, offering my hand out for the phone. I was incredibly bewildered but knew I had to try and diffuse the situation before things went from bad to worse.
“I’ll talk to him.” I said, holding out my hand for Aaron to pass me his phone.
“Sam, you don’t have to. I can handle this.” He assured me.
“You heard her, she wants to talk to me. Put her on the damn phone.” Zack barked resentfully.
I took Aaron’s mobile from him with a trembling hand and made my way into my bedroom, closing the door behind me.
“Zack, what’s wrong?” I asked, fighting for breath as I struggled to get the right words out.
“What the fuck is Aaron doing there?” He asked, firing the question at me in fury.
“Excuse me? Who do you think you’re speaking to?” I chastised him, refusing to back down and apologise when I was so sure I had done nothing wrong. “I bumped into Aaron just over an hour ago and he was at a loose end. He asked me if I wanted to hang out and I said yes.”
“Why the hell would you agree to that when you know what he was like with you the last time he saw you? You knew how it would make me feel and that’s exactly why you did it.” He spat out accusingly.
“That’s not true! Are you forgetting where you were this afternoon? You were completely preoccupied with your parents and my sister on your little dinner date.” I replied bitterly.
“You know I didn’t want to go! You’re the one who told me I had to.” He fought back.
“Look, it’s pointless arguing about it, Zack. I don’t like the fact you were playing happy families and you don’t like the fact I chose to hang out with your brother. We both just need to get over it.”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
“Well, you’re going to have to. You don’t have a choice.” I said firmly.
“I’m going to kill him.” He growled threateningly.
“Don’t say that, do you know how childish that sounds? Aaron has done nothing wrong.”
“He wants to fuck you, I know he does.” He snarled contemptuously.
“You’re wrong. I admit that I thought that at first but we’ve somehow managed to come to an understanding this afternoon. He’s not a bad guy, Zack.”
“Yeah, he really is. He’s trying to steal what’s mine and I’m going to fucking kill him.” He vowed, relentless in his rage and madness.
“As far as Aaron is concerned I’m not yours. Rachel is.”
“I don’t give a shit. I’m far too pissed off right now to see reason, Sam. I have to go.” He spoke dismissively, ready to hang up the phone on me. “Oh, and tell Aaron to get the fuck out of your apartment. I’m going to deal with him later. He’s going to regret this.” He promised me, disconnecting out call.
I was left gaping down at the phone in amazement, at a complete and utter loss when it came to what I should do next. Eventually, I knew I had to back and face Aaron, struggling to come up with some sort of explanation for Zack’s behaviour. I slowly crept back out into the living room to find Aaron with his back to me, gazing out the window.
“I’m so sorry about that.” I murmured, taking a seat on the sofa.
“Samantha, are you ok? What the fuck just happened? What did he say to you?”
“I-I really can’t explain it. I think I’m going to leave that to him.”
“I don’t need any sort of explanation from you, it’s him I have the problem with. Who the hell does he think he is?”
“What exactly happened, Aaron? When I left to use the bathroom you weren’t even on the phone.”
“As soon as you left the room I got the call from him. It was all pretty normal at first. He told me he had just managed to escape and bring an end to the most boring lunch of his entire life. He asked if I was free to go and play a round of pool and that’s when I told him I couldn’t because I was hanging out with you and he just flipped. He started firing questions at me and demanding that I put you on the phone. I refused and that’s when he really went crazy on me. What the hell is his problem?”
I had no idea what to say. I could hardly explain Zack’s behaviour to his brother and I also didn’t like the thought of deceiving Aaron. I was at a loss when it came to handling it all.
“Like I said… you should really talk to him.”
“Don’t worry, I’m going to.” He spoke decidedly, snatching his phone from me before reaching for his jacket.
“Aaron, please don’t start anything with him. He’s still your brother.”
“This is between me and him, Sam. It’s a confrontation that’s been on the cards for a while. I guess it’s going to happen now. I’ll see you later.”
He left me alone in my apartment, emotional and alone. I felt like I had no one to confide in and no one who would understand the pain I was going through. Little did I know it was about to get even worse…
My landline phone rang, startling me with its piercing noise. I knew it couldn’t be Zack because I’ve yet to give him my home number and the knowledge of this is what convinced me to answer.
“Hello?” I tried to sound normal, hoping the fragile tone of my voice would give nothing away.
“Samantha, I need to speak with you. Come over to the house as soon as you can.”
My mother’s shrill demand gave me chills. I had no idea why she was phoning me or why she suddenly wanted me to go and visit her.
“What? Why? What’s happened?” I asked, the panic rising within me as my mind raced with possibilities.
“I’ll explain everything to you as soon as you get here.” She replied coldly, hanging up the phone before I even had a chance to respond.
I stood still for several moments, wondering what on earth had happened to force her to summon me like she did. I knew I wouldn’t rest until I found out and hastily left my apartment so I could ask her for myself.
It only took me a few minutes to get there. I walked so fast I was practically running, adrenaline and anxiety providing me with the speed I needed to confront her. I hammered on the door with such urgency, certain that something was terribly wrong.
“I would really appreciate it if you didn’t cause damage to my front door.” My mum spoke dismissively, glowering at me in distaste.
“I’m sorry.” I apologised breathlessly, clutching my side which was developing a stitch.
“You best come in. What I need to say to you should be said in private.”
She turned her back on me and left the door open. I had to close it myself and follow her as she made her way into the kitchen. My own curiosity and fear increased with each step I took. There was no one else home and the eerie silence was enough to scare me. My mother’s high heels echoed against the hard flooring, forcing me to remember a time I used to hide underneath my bed. I only did this whenever I heard her coming, frightened of the verbal punishment I was about to receive.
“I’m going to make this quick.” She placed a hand on the kitchen worktop, turning to face me. “What I have to say to you is not pleasant, nor is it something I wish to repeat.”
“Ok…” I said uneasily, preparing myself for the very worst.
“I know about you and Zack.”
Her revelation stunned me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe I was so shocked.
“What do you mean?” I finally asked. “There’s nothing to know.”
“Don’t play games with me, Samantha.” She sighed impatiently, folding her arms across her chest. “You can’t fool me. I know the truth.”
I could tell she was certain. There was no doubt about it… she knew the truth.
“How do you know?”
“It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. The stolen glances across the dinner table when you think no one else is looking, the tension in the air when either one of you comes within close proximity to the other. The way his eyes wander, seeking out your presence when you leave the room. I’m surprise no one else has noticed before now.”
“H-have you spoken to him?”
“No and I don’t intend do. This is going to stay between us.” She said decidedly.
“Why?”
“Because you’re going to put an end to it and you’re going to be discreet about it.”
“I can’t do that, Mum.” I confessed, fighting to remain strong and defiant.
I was not about to let her tell me what to do. I would not allow her to dictate my life.
“Oh, yes you can and that’s exactly what you’re going to do. I am not going to stand by and allow you to break your sister’s heart. It’s never going to happen.”
“I love him.” I whispered, mustering every single ounce of determination inside of me.
“Do you really think I care about you or your feelings in any of this? You don’t matter to me. You never have done. When are you going to get that through your thick head?” She grabbed a hold of my hair and pulled, twisting my neck until the pain of it made me cry out. “Look, at you, Samantha. You’re pathetic. You dye your hair the exact same colour as hers and you still fail. You don’t measure up and you never have done. She’s superior to you in every single way and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Why do you hate me?” I whimpered, grasping hold of the hand which was still curled around my hair, forcing her to let go. “What did I ever do to you to make you despise me so much?”
“Do I really need a reason to hate you?” She spat contemptuously. “Isn’t your pathetic existence enough for me to loathe everything about you?”
“You’ve always hated me, ever since I was a child. You’ve always disliked me and I want to know why! What did I ever do to deserve your contempt?”
This confrontation had been brewing between us for so damn long. I was resolute in my decision to find out the truth and knew I was close to hearing it.
“You were born.” she answered, once again turning her back on me.
“So was Rachel!” I cried, grabbing her by the shoulder, needing her to face me. “She was born first! Why didn’t she ‘destroy’ your life? Why is it me that ruined everything?”
“Because you’re not his!”
The silence that fell between us is something I will never forget. I’ll never be able to rid myself of that memory and I’m really not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.
“Because I’m not whose?”
She shook her head, refusing to answer my question. I was absolutely determined to force it out of her if I had to, even if that meant shaking her until she cracked. Luckily for us both, it didn’t come to that.
“Because you’re not Harry’s.” She whispered softly, meeting my gaze for the first time since her confession.
My stomach lurched as nausea consumed my entire body. My palms were sweaty and I felt faint, trembling uncontrollably as I tried to digest the life-changing information just told to me.
“Harry is Rachel’s dad?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yes.” She sighed wearily, slowly taking a seat at the kitchen counter.
“But how? When?” I demanded to know, shaking my head in denial. “Who knows about this?”
“No one. No one knows, not even Harry.”
“You slept with him? You slept with him behind my dad’s back?”
“I loved him.” She answered, lowering her head. “I still do”
Her words made me feel sick. How on earth could she love that monster?
“I don’t understand”
“He was my first love. My first and last.” She declared, nervously picking the loose skin on one of her nails. “I was only sixteen when we first got together, before I even knew who your father was. I was with him for a while but Harry was five years older than me and remarkably ambitious. I knew he wouldn’t stay around for long. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep a hold on him.”
“So, you got pregnant?”
I took a seat on the other side of the counter, refusing to back down from this, resolute in my quest to uncover the truth.
“Yes.” She finally raised her head, all of a sudden bold and fearless in our showdown.
“At sixteen?”
“No. I was nineteen by this time and knew that if I wanted him to stay then I would have to give him a reason to. I thought it was the only way to keep a hold of him. I remember I was two months gone before I worked up the courage to tell him about it. I had it all planned out, hardly able to contain my excitement. It was when I turned up at his house and asked to see him that his mother told me he had gone. He had left the country for work and hadn’t even told me he was leaving.”
“He walked out on you?” I said incredulously.
“He didn’t even know about Rachel.” She said quickly, trying to make up excuses for his behaviour.
“But he still left you!”
“I never told him about her. I never even came close. Your father eventually put two and two together and confronted me about the father of my baby. I broke down on his shoulder one night and told him everything. I was eight months pregnant at the time, emotional, terrified and alone. My own mother kicked me out as soon as she found out, I even had to stay in a hostel for a while.”
I could scarcely manage to absorb everything she was saying, confused, angry, indignant and… sad.
“What happened next?” I inquired, prompting her to continue.
“Your father offered to take care of me and take on the responsibility of the child. He said she was his niece and he wanted to do the right thing by her. We decided to raise Rachel together and never told anyone the truth.”
She wiped away the single tear that had fallen and stood, making her way to the cupboard before reaching for a glass.
“And that’s why you hate me?” I asked, preparing myself to hear the hideous truth.
“Your father eventually wanted to have his own child and refused to let the matter go.” She poured herself a glass of water whilst continuing to stare out the kitchen window with her back to me. “I didn’t want another baby. I was happy with my beautiful little girl. However, I eventually ran out of excuses and decided to go along with his idea about having another baby. I prayed for you to be a boy, needing to keep Rachel as my only daughter. Of course you weren’t the son I thought I could tolerate… you were the second daughter I never even wanted. Your brother came along a few years later, surprising us both. Especially me.”
“Why? Because you actually felt something other than resentment for him?”
“Yes.” She admitted, turning around to face me. “You are the one I wish I could erase, the mistake that never should have happened. I was young and naive, foolish in my decision to listen to your father. I went against my instincts, ignoring them to the point of denial and agreed to have you.”
She stared at me with those dead eyes, narrowing them in disgust and revulsion.
“And Harry?”
“I waited for the day he would settle down, marry and have his own children. That day never came and that’s what makes my first born even more sacred to me. She’s my one accomplishment, the one thing I would not change.”
“Why did you never tell Harry? There was nothing to prevent you from being honest with him when my father died.” I stated, struggling to understand why she would have still kept it from him.
“I might have done if it weren’t for your lies.”
“Lies?”
“The disgusting lies you told me when you were twelve years old, the ones you made about him… the man I love.”
Suddenly it all made sense to me. I understood the reason why she chose to turn me away when I told her what had happened to me. It wasn’t because she didn’t believe me, it was because she couldn’t bring herself to. Knowing that someone has hurt your child must be agonising, an unbearable pain that no mother should ever have to experience… but to actually know that the man you are in love with is the bearer of that pain must be inconceivable, especially to someone like her.
“Mum, I’m not saying this to hurt you. Despite everything you have said and done to me I still love you… but you need to know that I wasn’t lying. Harry did those things to me and I think you know that. Deep down you know and that’s the real reason you can’t even bring yourself to look at me right now.”
“You’re wrong! I know him! I know he would never, ever do that.” She cried, throwing her glass of water in a rage.
The glass shattered, making us both flinch. I stared at the irreparable, broken glass, shattered and damaged beyond repair. Just like us.
“How old were you the first time you had sex with him?” I questioned her, standing up as I slowly closed the distance between us. “How old were you, Mum?”
“That doesn’t matter!”
“Doesn’t it?” I challenged her. “Because it matters to me. How old were you?”
I thought she wasn’t going to answer, I was convinced she would not dignity my question by telling the truth.
“Fourteen.” She eventually murmured, moistening her lips as she grasped onto the worktop for dear life.
“And you’re still telling me that an eighteen year old man who chooses to sleep with a fourteen year old girl is not capable of hurting me?”
For the first time in my life I saw her doubt. I saw it in her eyes and I have to admit that it did provided me with some comfort. She believed me, even if it was just for a single second. She knew.
“You could have been there for me when I found out I was pregnant. You knew how it felt to be alone and scared, desperate and lost. You could have helped me, you could have supported me. Instead, you left me to it and then accused me of murdering my baby when I was still grieving. What kind of woman does that make you?”
“And what about you?” She snarled viciously. “How can you stand there on your moral high ground and accuse me of failing you and being an immoral person? You’ve been sleeping with your own sister’s fiancé, the man she’s chosen to spend the rest of her life with, the man she loves.”
“You don’t think I know that?! You don’t think that I’m in agony every single moment of the day because I have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done? If I could change it, I would! I would do anything to change how I feel about him but I can’t! I love him, Mum.”
My warm tears fell, cascading down my cheeks in their unceremonious journey. The possibility of losing Zack was inconceivable, the ache in my chest was excruciating, unbearable and for lack of a better word… heart-breaking.
“Don’t call me that again, Samantha. From this day on we are through. I feel nothing for you now and I never will. If you want to do the right thing by your sister, the one and only person in this family who has ever stood by you then you will end it with him now. You will step aside and let them be happy.” She replied indifferently, cold and unfeeling.
“How can you ask this of me?”
“How can you even think that you and Zack would be able to make it work? You and him are hardly compatible, are you? I mean, he’s so far out of your league… it’s not even funny.” She scoffed, a heartless smirk contorting her face.
She was laughing at me.
“You are a cruel, heartless and bitter woman. You are someone I will never, ever turn into. I wish you weren’t my mother and if there was anything in my life that I would change… that would be it. You are beneath my contempt, you’re beneath my hatred and if I could have one wish it would be to never have to set eyes on you again.”
I shook my head, struggling to believe that the woman standing before me was really my mum. I walked away from him and did not turn back, resolute in my decision to move forward, away from my mother, my past and the person I used to be.
Remembering the events of what happened causes me to sob even harder. It’s been an hour since I left my mother’s house and an hour to comprehend everything that was said. My phone has been ringing since I got back home and I know it must be Zack wanting to discuss the argument we had earlier about Aaron.
How am I going to tell him about my mum? How am I going to tell him that she knows about us? It feels like my whole world is crumbling around me and all I can do is sit there and watch. I could lose everything, everything in my life that I care about. Zack and Rachel, even Jason when he finds out the truth.
With no idea where to go and with no idea who I should turn to, I decide to flee. I run. I get the hell out of there and run for my life.
For the second time that day I don’t look back. I keep my head held high as I make my escape and leave it all behind. I don’t look back and unfortunately for me, this turns out to be the greatest mistake of all…