Chapter Seven
“So how are things between you and Zack?” I ask my sister over coffee a few days later.
She just popped round to my place after visiting her friend who lives nearby and we’re seated on the sofa, one of us at either end.
“We’re great. Both of us are getting really excited about the wedding, we’re meeting with the wedding planner on Friday afternoon.” She says cheerfully, taking a sip from her coffee.
“Wedding planner?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with having a wedding planner?” She replies defensively.
“I just can’t think of anyone who would actually want to take on that role. You’re going to be a nightmare, Rach. You’ll be an absolute nightmare, you’re going to be the worst Bridezilla she’ll ever encounter. I think I better warn this planner of yours to back out now before it’s too late.” I joke, dodging her foot as she playfully tries to kick me with it.
“Stop it. I’m not that bad, am I?”
“Rachel, I remember what you were like when it was your prom. I can only imagine how unbearable you’ll be when it comes to your wedding.”
“It’s not going to be like that. I’m not going to be that way. That’s why we’ve decided to get a planner, she’ll be able to take on some of the load, help me get things sorted and take some of the pressure off me.”
“And Zack’s ok with this?”
“Of course he is.” She says confidently.
“He’s… he’s still staying with his parents?” I inquire warily, not wanting to arouse her suspicion. The last thing I want is for her to start questioning my interest in her fiancé.
“Yeah. I mean, I miss him and hate us being apart but I can understand him wanting to spend some quality time with them before we get wed.”
“He could still spend time with them, even if he does decide to stay with you.”
“I know but it’s not the same, is it? Besides, his brother is back home now and I really don’t mind giving them all the space to spend time together as a family.”
“That’s really considerate of you.”
“Well, it’s tough but we’ll get through it. We’re still house hunting, we could find something any day now.” She says hopefully.
I can’t help the sharp pang of guilt I feel when I see her being so optimistic. She has absolutely no idea about last Friday night, Zack picking me up, our visit to the lake or our plan. She hasn’t got a clue and I know I have to do everything in my power to keep it that way. I cannot risk losing my sister and that’s exactly what would happen if she found out the truth.
I haven’t heard from Zack since Friday night and that was five days ago. Today is Wednesday, a day I have off and the day my sister chose to turn up at my apartment unexpectedly. I was taken by surprise because I didn’t expect to see her. I’ve been avoiding her since Friday, making up excuses that would explain why I couldn’t meet up and faking tiredness when she asked to come over in the evenings. I know it’s a despicable thing to do but I just couldn’t face her. I was worried she’d be able to see right through me, recognise the deceit in my eyes and accuse me of betraying her and lying to her face. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened, Rachel’s been the only member of my family who continues to support me. She’s the only sister I have and I can scarcely believe the deception I’m already guilty of.
I’ve thought about what Zack and I discussed, I’ve barely slept since that night and know tonight won’t be any different. I feel like I’m silently going insane, I can’t sleep, eat, think or concentrate on anything and was so tempted to take some time off work because of my absolute exhaustion. I’ve gone to call him countless times, so close to going through with it before I change my mind and hang up. The only reason I’ve not gone through with it is because I don’t want to provoke anything. I’m starting to hope he’s changed my mind and I’m worried that if I contact him first, it might prompt him into changing his mind back again. He might think I’m pressurising him if I contact him first and I refuse to be that girl. I refuse to be clingy, desperate, weak and available. If Zack has something to say to me then he can be the one to get in touch. Until then, I’m going to assume Friday night was a mistake, an error in judgement and our sanity. I’m going to avoid him like the plague and do everything I can to keep myself away from him. I do not plan on following through with anything we talked about it. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have no idea what I was thinking.
“Sam, did you hear what I said?” Rachel’s question pulls me back to the present, reminding me of my surroundings and my innocent sister sitting before me.
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked if you would mind spending a few nights with me and mum at home. I’m feeling all left out. Zack is spending time with his family, it only feels right that I do the same.”
“You’ve got to be kidding. You think I’ll be able to spend the night under the same roof as mum? I’ll end up chucking myself out the window.”
“Don’t say things like that, Sam! Please just think about it. Mum’s actually going away for a few days over the weekend and I thought it would be nice for the two of us to stay at home together.”
Under normal circumstances I’d be thrilled by the prospect of spending some quality time with my sister but after everything that transpired last week, it just wouldn’t feel right. I’m in torment because of my guilt and spending time alone with Rachel will only make things ten times worse. However, I know I can’t keep evading her like I have been. She deserves so much better than my ambiguity and I need to start reaching out to her more. I should grit my teeth and help her out, ignore the agonising pain it causes me and show more of an interest in the wedding. It might even make me feel a little better, sacrificing my own feelings to help Rachel is the least I can do.
“OK. If that’s what you really want, it’s fine by me.”
“Thanks so much! I promise you we’ll have a great time together. I can fill you in on the last couple of years I’ve been away and you can help me out with all this crazy wedding stuff.”
“I’d love to. Just let me know what you need and I’ll try my best to help.”
“Thanks, Sam. You’re so good to me.” She squeezes my hand before offering to make us both another cup of coffee, taking our now empty cups into the kitchen.
I can feel my emotions are about to get the best of me and I have to close my eyes against the tears that threaten to spill out of them. My guilt is excruciating and I know I’m going to have to live with it for the rest of my life.
I smile at Rachel as she makes her way out of the kitchen, taking the steaming hot cup from her.
“You remembered I only take one sugar, right?” I ask, taking the steaming hot cup from her.
“Yes, I remembered.” She says irritably, curling up on the sofa beside me.
“Listen, I know it’s all been about the wedding since I got back but I know how difficult things for you have been lately. We can talk about things once you to come to stay, I know you told me a little when we went out for coffee but there must be other things you need to get off your chest. What I mean to say is… I’m here for you. I know I’m all excited about the engagement and a little preoccupied right now but that’s why I want to make some time for the two of us to reconnect. We’ve got the perfect opportunity now that mum’s going away for a couple of days.”
I can’t stand to see so much kindness in her eyes. I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve anything positive from her ever again.
“I don’t want to be a burden to you and I don’t want to ruin a single moment of your happiness right now. This is your time and your moment to be happy.” I assure her, painting an optimistic smile onto my face.
“When will your moment be, Sam?” She whispers, taking my hands in hers.
The look of concern she gives me pierces my heart. Her compassion is overwhelming and a part of me is screaming at me to run away from it. I’m not worthy of her kindness, support or understanding.
“I’ll be fine. My cognitive behavioural therapy will start soon and my anxiety is under control. I’ll be ok.” I speak confidently, trying to mask the underlying fear I have bubbling underneath.
“You never told me you were planning on starting CBT. Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“You’ve had so much to deal with, Rachel. It’s not that a big deal.” I shrug my shoulders, struggling to remain casual and unconcerned by it.
“Of course it is! It’s huge. How do you feel about it? You’re feeling positive, right?”
“I’m willing to give it a go. The doctor said it’s all about changing the way that you think, your negative thought patterns and the way you choose to handle your worries.”
“It sounds like he knows what he’s talking about.”
“He does. That’s why I trust what he’s saying and I’m prepared to try it. There’s a waiting list but at least I’m on it now.”
“That’s my girl! I’m so proud of you.” She beams at me with sparkling eyes and a buoyant grin.
“Don’t be. I haven’t achieved anything yet.” I murmur quietly.
“You have, Samantha. I think the world of you, you know that, don’t you?”
“Despite what mum thinks?” I raise my eyebrows at her, needing to know she doesn’t feel the same way about me as my mother. I couldn’t bear it if she thought me a failure as well.
“Listen, I don’t know what the deal is with you and her. Ever since we were kids there’s been a problem there but what you need to understand is her issues are her own, don’t let her force them onto you.”
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Good. So you’re going to come and stay on Friday night?”
“Friday?” I say in confusion.
“That’s when mum’s going away, she’ll be back on Sunday. I thought you could come over straight after you’ve finished work.”
“Won’t you be seeing Zack on Friday?”
The last thing I want right now is to see him. I’m absolutely terrified to find out what my reaction will be to him.
“Nope, just the two of us. Girls only.” She winks at me playfully, clearly excited by the time she wants us to spend together.
“I’ll be there.”
Friday comes around really fast. I’m an hour away from finishing work, ignoring the continuous vibration of my phone coming from my locker where my bag is. I don’t know who it is but they’re driving me mad with this incessant calling. I’ve got a child on my lap and I’m in the middle of reading ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ to her. The rest of the children have already been collected and her mother should be here any minute to pick her daughter up.
I’m completely in love with the little girl sitting on my lap. She’s a blonde hair, blue eyes angel and if I’m being entirely honest, she’s one of my favourites. She’s completely enthralled in the book I’m reading to her and I can only wish I was so enamoured with the story. I’m absolutely exhausted due to the fact that I haven’t been able to sleep properly since last Friday night, the same night Zack took me to the lake and told me about his proposition. I still haven’t heard from him since that night and I suppose that’s why I’m so anxious to find out who’s calling me.
“Mummy’s here, Rosie.” Audrey announces cheerfully, causing the two of us to look up from our reading.
“I’ll see you later, Rosie. We can read the rest of the story next week.” I tell her, helping her off my lap before handing her the book to place back on the shelf.
“Bye!” She yells, racing over to her mum who’s standing by the door.
I grin at her and watch her go. She’s only three years old and has her whole life ahead of her. She’s completely sheltered and safe, I’m guessing her only worry is what type of cereal she’s going to eat in the morning and that’s exactly how it should be.
That’s not how it was for you. A nasty, heartless voice whispers in my ear, causing me to shiver. I hate that voice and I always have done. It’s been with me for years and there’s nothing I can do to get rid of it. Most of the time I simply try to ignore it but some days I find that really, really difficult.
“You ok, Sam?” Audrey asks, frowning at me in concern. She’s such a lovely lady, she’s a terrific boss and I’m so fortunate I got the job here. There’s no one else I’d rather work for.
“I’m fine, just a little bit tired. I’ve not been sleeping too well lately.” I say, dragging my fingers through my wavy hair.
“Something bothering you?” She asks softly.
“Nope. I’m good.” I lie, trying really, really hard to sound convincing.
“Sam, if you ever want to talk… I’m here.” She tells me, offering me a kind smile.
I glance over at her and nod my head, knowing that she means it. She really would be there for me if I asked for her help.
“Thanks, Audrey.”
The sound of my phone interrupts us again, forcing me to sigh irritably. This must be the fifth time it’s gone off in half an hour.
“Feel free to answer that, you finished work five minutes ago.” Audrey grins at me, carrying on with the tidying up she was doing before calling Rosie away from me.
“Thanks.” I say appreciatively, hastily grabbing the key for my locker out of my back pocket.
It’s probably just Rachel. She’s so excited by the idea that I’ll be staying over tonight. She’s gone on and on about it for two whole days, ever since she first suggested it to me on Wednesday.
I reach for my phone in my bag and frown when I notice that the five missed calls are from Jason. Why would my best friend be phoning me when he knows I’m at work? My overactive imagine kicks in, thinking of all the worst case scenarios it could be. Wanting to rid myself of such unpleasant thoughts, I eagerly phone him back.
“Jason, what’s wrong?” I press the phone against my ear and clutch it tight, choosing not to bother with the formalities of answering the phone.
“How come you’ve just ignored every single one of my calls?” He snaps angrily, also dismissing the typical protocol that comes with greeting your best friend.
“Huh? I didn’t. I’ve only just finished work. You know I can’t answer the phone whilst I’m working.” I tell him, wondering what the reason is for his surly attitude.
“Not even for your best friend?” He says darkly, breathing heavily.
“Not even for my best friend.” I reply coolly, struggling to control the surge of adrenaline that’s racing through my body.
“Oh, I see how it is.”
“Jason, I don’t know what’s rattled your cage but there’s no need to take it out on me. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, besides the fact that I haven’t see my best friend in what feels like years.”
The bitterness in his voice is astonishing. Jason has never, ever spoken to me like this and it’s utterly unnerving.
“Come on, it’s not been that long.” I say, attempting to placate him and his bruised ego.
“Yes it has.”
“I saw you on Saturday.”
“Exactly. Six days ago. That’s a lifetime for us and you know it.” He informs me, certain that I won’t be able to argue with him.
“I’ve been tired… I know it’s not a great excuse but I’ve been going to bed early.”
“Bullshit. I saw you head off to work this morning and you looked exhausted. You’re definitely not sleeping or going to bed early. I’d say you’ve been staying up half the night.”
“Wow, that’s just creepy. You watched me leave for work?”
I can’t help the small laugh that escapes from me. The idea of Jason peeking out behind his blinds to watch me leave is so ridiculous it’s funny.
“It’s only because I care.” He says gently, releasing some of the hold he had on his anger.
“I know you do but I really have to go now. Audrey’s waiting for me to leave.”
“Wait! Don’t hang up. I’m sorry.” He says quickly, his irritation leaving him.
“Apology accepted but I really have to get off the phone. I’m sleeping over at Rachel’s tonight.”
“With your mum there?”
The disbelief in his voice is comical. Jason knows I would never spend the night under the same roof as that woman.
“Hell no. Rachel said she’s gone away for the weekend, I don’t know where and I don’t care. So long as she won’t be there.” I assure him.
“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asks hesitantly.
“I’m staying over on Saturday night as well so it will probably be Sunday before we can meet up.”
“Fuck. I really miss you, Sam.” He whispers tenderly, instantly melting my heart.
“Aw, you’ll get to see me soon. Come over on Sunday, we can spend the evening together watching ‘Braveheart’ or something.” I joke.
“Again? I swear your fascination with that movie is just plain weird.”
“Shut up. You love Mel Gibson’s Scottish accent just as much as I do.” I respond sassily.
“Alright, I’ll see you Sunday.” He says reluctantly.
“You will.”
“Bye, Sammy.”
“Ugh, you know I hate that.” I moan.
“Yup. See you later, Sammy.”
Argh, I know he’s only trying to antagonise me and it works.
“Do you need a lift again like last week? I don’t mind.” Audrey asks me kindly, opening her own locker to get her coat.
“Thank you but I’m fine. I don’t mind walking.”
“Have you seen the rain outside?” She leans over to the window, opening the blinds.
The rain outside is heavy, falling down against the hard concrete in the playground.
“I have my umbrella and I don’t mind the occasional walk in the rain. It helps me think.” I tell her, pulling on my coat.
“And what could a young girl like you have to worry about? You’re young and you have the whole world at your feet.”
If only she knew…
I smile, unwilling to divulge any of the reasons I have to worry. I like to keep my private life private, not many people know about any of the issues I’ve been dealing with lately and I intend to keep it that way.
I send Rachel a quick text to let her know I’m leaving work, say a quick goodbye to Audrey and brace myself against the downpour I’m about to face outside. I need to go back to my apartment so I can grab a few things I’ll need for the weekend and want to get there before Jason gets home from work.
I know it sounds awful but I just can’t be dealing with him right now. The phone call I just had with him was really unnecessary and I don’t understand his anger and frustration. I frequently miss out on seeing him when he’s involved with someone and don’t complain about it. I don’t know what his problem is and for now, I don’t really care.
I hastily gather some of my things from my apartment, eager to leave and get back on my way. I reach for my iPod, selecting ‘Far Away’ by Nickelback to listen to on my walk over to Rachel’s. The rain has slowed down a little so I should be ok. Besides, it should only take me a few minutes to get there.
Rachel texts back, letting me know she got my message and I can’t help smile when I read her the text she sent me. She’s so excited about me staying over. I have no idea why but I have to say, her enthusiasm is infectious. Tonight I aim to forget everything. Last week, my conversation with Zack and the things we discussed will be erased from my mind. It’s not like something actually happened and his silence over the past week goes to prove he regrets his proposition. From now on I’m going to concentrate on being there for my sister, I’ll get through the wedding as best I can and I won’t have anything more to do with him. They’ll both miss London sooner or later and want to go back there, once they do that they’ll be gone for good and it will feel like none of this ever happened.
I don’t know why the idea of this makes me feel so… sad. It’s the right decision and one I plan on seeing through. I make my way up the long driveway, quickening my steps to get out of the rain. I had my umbrella with me but I’m still soaked, all I want to do now is take a hot bubble bath, get into my comfy clothes and watch a movie with my sister. Rachel and Zack would have met with the wedding planner earlier this afternoon and I’m sure she has lots to tell me about it.
“Wow, you’re soaked! Why didn’t you get a taxi?” My sister asks, taking my dripping umbrella from me as she opens the door.
“I thought a walk in the rain would be refreshing but I think I was wrong.” I laugh, removing my knee high boots.
“You poor thing, you seriously need to dry off before you get cold.”
“All I want right now is a hot bath. Will that be ok?”
“Of course! You don’t need to ask. I’ll put the kettle on whilst you get changed.” She playfully ruffles my wavy hair before walking down the hallway into the kitchen.
I wrap myself in a warm towel after my relaxing bubble bath, sitting on the edge of my bed as I tug a hairbrush through my wet hair. I didn’t want to have to wash it again but I had no choice, it was too messed up from the rain. I decided to use the en suite in Rachel’s bedroom and feel a bit strange about sitting on her bed right now. My mind inevitably pictures the two of them together on this bed, cuddling, kissing and making love. It feels like a knife has been plunged straight into my heart and the pain is indescribable. I should not be feeling that way about Zack, I should be happy for my sister and pleased that she’s found the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.
I groan in frustration, throwing myself back onto the bed. I turn to face the double doors which open out onto my sister’s personal balcony. I’m so tempted to open them, I know it would let all the cold in but I’m seriously craving some fresh air. It’s far too stuffy in here and I feel as though I can’t breathe properly. It’s like there’s a weight on my chest and it makes it hard for me to take a deep breath.
I’m off the bed within seconds, hurrying over to the glass doors so I can throw them open. I need air, I need oxygen. My hands are frantic, desperately seeking the latch so I can unlock them. Where is it, where is it, where the hell is they key?! I eventually find it and turn it roughly, hurting my hand in the process. I fling the doors open, inhaling deeply, greedy for the cool air to invade my lungs. It’s still raining so I don’t go out onto the balcony, just being able to get some fresh air is enough.
“Feeling hot?” A deep, powerful voice asks from behind me.
I whirl around, letting out a loud gasp when I spot Zack standing in the doorway across the room.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” I squeal, tightening the towel I have wrapped around my body.
“Rachel let me in.” He answers calmly, completely unfazed by the fact that he’s walked in on me half naked.
The only thing that gives him away is his eyes. They’re practically smouldering with want and desire as they leisurely wander up and down my body.
“And she told you that you could come up here?” I ask in disbelief, wondering where on earth my sister is.
“No. She just left.”
“Left? Why? Where did she go?”
“She went out for coffee, she found there was none left when I arrived just a few minutes ago.” He reluctantly drags his fiercely intense gaze back up to my face, crossing one ankle over the other as he continues to lean against the door frame.
“Did she tell you I was in the bath?”
“She did.” He smirks, locking those mischievous brown eyes upon my own.
“So why did you come up here?” I tremble, unable to keep the trepidation out of my voice.
“Because I wanted to talk to you.”
“Whilst I was in the bath?” I say incredulously.
“Well, I would have preferred it if I’d caught you when you were getting out of it but I guess I missed that opportunity.”
“Get the fuck out. I have nothing to say to you.” I turn my back on him, unwilling to observe his perfection for a moment longer.
“Maybe you don’t but I have plenty to say to you.” He strides over towards me, placing his strong hands on my shoulders so he can spin me around to face him.
“We can’t do this. Not here.” I argue, pulling away from him.
“Then where?” He persists, following me across the room.
His presence is overwhelming. His masculine, intoxicating scent surrounds me, infiltrating my senses until I’m enveloped by his presence.
“What are you talking about? I haven’t heard from you since Friday. Seven days of silence means there’s obviously nothing for us to talk about.”
“I wanted to give you some space, I knew that if I pressured you it would only make you run in the opposite direction and that’s the last thing I wanted.” He grabs my arm, pulling my body against him.
The only thing left between us is my towel. One tug and I’d be naked against him, that’s all it would take and it’s the one and only thought that keeps swirling around inside my head. It appears to be the same for him as his arms encircle my waist, relentless in the hold he has over me, refusing to allow me to put any distance between us.
“Zack…” I whisper softly, desperate for him to relinquish the grip he has on me.
“You’ve thought about it, haven’t you? Tell me how many times you’ve pictured us together? How many times have you made yourself come whilst you were thinking of me? Tell me, I need to know. I can’t stop thinking about the two of us together and I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing! I feel like I’m going insane. Help me, Samantha. Please, I’m begging you.”
He circles my face with his hands, lowering his mouth towards mine. He hesitates for just a moment before making his decision, crashing his lips against my own. It only takes me a couple of seconds to respond to him, moaning into his mouth as he tongue separates my lips, demanding an entry. He walks me backwards, placing his hand on my lower back to support me as he starts to push me down onto the bed. I almost let him, just as his powerful weight is encouraging me to submit to him and lie down, I come to my senses.
“We can’t do this, Zack! We have to stop. She’s my sister and I love her. As much as I want you… I can’t do it to her.”
“So you do want me?” He growls, nuzzling into my neck and inhaling deeply.
I can’t believe he actually asked me that question.
“Of course I want you! I wanted you since the first moment I saw you. My body aches for you and regardless of the fact that every single one of my instincts is screaming at me to say yes… I just can’t do it to her.”
“Fuck! This is madness. Absolute madness.” He yells, stalking away from me towards the open doors leading onto the balcony.
The rain has now stopped and I watch him with caution as he goes out there. Today he’s not wearing a suit, he has on a black pair of jeans and a light grey T-shirt. It accentuates his toned physique and I can’t help admiring the muscles in his arms as he leans against the railing outside. I’m still wearing my towel and quickly hurry back into Rachel’s en suite to grab a dressing gown instead. Rachel could be back any minute and I don’t want her to find me in a compromising position with her fiancé, especially in a towel.
Zack is back in the bedroom by the time I open the bathroom door, sitting on the edge of Rachel’s bed with his head in his hands.
“Rachel should be back by now, shouldn’t she?” I enquire hesitantly, slowly making my way back into the bedroom.
“She went out for coffee. She only left a few minutes ago.”
“Why are you even here? I don’t know why Rachel would invite you, she told me it was just going to be the two of us this weekend.”
“I know, she told me the same thing. That’s why I came here with some lame excuse, I wanted to see you.”
“You shouldn’t have come here.”
“You don’t think I know that?” He snaps, glaring up at me.
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Yes you do. You know exactly what I want and I’m not going to quit until I get it. Only then will I be able to get you out of my system, only then will I be able to focus on the woman I’m actually engaged to and until then… I’m screwed.” He sighs wearily, his shoulders slump as he hangs his head.
“Zack…”
“Look, Rachel’s going to be back any minute and I know we can’t discuss this here. I’d arrange to meet you again but I know we’re only going to go around and around in circles like last time. I need us to do this and I need you to be certain. I want you to pick a time and a date, wherever you want and whenever you want it to be. I’ll be there.”
“This isn’t happening to me, this isn’t happening.” I say to myself over and over again, wringing my hands together as I pace back and forth in front of him.
“It is happening and there’s only one thing we can do about it. Do you really think I want to be like this? Doing everything in my power to steal a moment alone with you, begging and pleading with my future sister-in-law to sleep with me so I can get some peace!” He jumps up and takes hold of my hands, holding me still. “Do you really think we will feel any worse than we do right now? Yes, we might feel guilty but at least we’ll know.”
“Know what?”
“What it will be like! I hope and pray I’ll be able to get some peace after we’ve spent the night together.”
“A whole night?”
“Yes. I want a whole night with you, Samantha. I don’t want anything less.”
He’s so insistent, tightening his grip on my hands, only releasing his grasp when we hear the sound of the front door downstairs. Two voices make their way down the hall and into the kitchen before we hear frantic footsteps making their way up the stairs. A tall, dark haired guy hurtles into the room, colliding with me and Zack in the process.
“Shit! I’m so sorry!” The stranger yells, coming to a halt in front of us. “I’m looking for the bathroom.”
“Get the fuck out, Aaron!” Zack shouts angrily, shoving him out the door.
Aaron… why does that name mean something to me? It’s as though I’ve heard it before but can’t remember where from.
“Calm down, bro. I’m bursting so tell me where it is real quick.”
“It’s the last door on the right.” I inform him politely, gently moving Zack to the side so I can get a clear view of the guy who just barged in on us.
“Thanks, gorgeous. Back in a sec.” He takes off out the door and speeds off down the hallway.
“Who is that?” I ask, turning around to face Zack.
“My brother.” He growls, folding his arms across his chest. “I don’t know what he’s doing here but I plan on finding out.”
“He seems… nice.” I whisper softly, feeling uncomfortable and awkward now that Zack and I are alone again.
“Trust me, he isn’t. Can you please put some clothes on before he comes back in here and hurry downstairs? I don’t want you up here alone with him.”
“Scared he might kiss me like you just did?” I joke, playing with the soft material of my sister’s dressing gown.
“Yes.” He says curtly, storming out of my room with his jaw clenched.
I have no other choice but to quickly get changed, blast my hair with the hair dryer and make my way downstairs. I can hear the three of them laughing and joking in the kitchen and want nothing more than to sneak out without any of them knowing. Of course I know this is impossible and tug my fingers through my tangled hair, hoping to make the best of my appearance before I make my entrance.
“There you are! We were wondering where you got to.” Rachel announces the second I walk into the kitchen.
“I was upstairs… changing.” I mutter quietly, hoping my sister will be the only one to hear me.
Zack is standing by the window, gazing out of it whilst keeping his back to us.
“I’m Aaron, Zack’s brother. It’s great to meet you, Sam. Although, you really didn’t have to bother getting changed. That dressing gown you had on looked fine.” He grins at me, his eyes twinkling with playfulness and fun.
“That’s my dressing gown!” Rachel scolds me, gently slapping my arm before switching her attention to the now boiling kettle.
“Erm… thanks. I’m Sam, Rachel’s younger sister.”
I hold my hand out towards him, expecting him to take it. He pulls me in for a hug instead, crushing his chest against mine until I can barely breathe.
“You’re the Maid of honour, right?” He whispers into my ear.
“Yes.” I answer, struggling to speak because he’s squeezing me so tight.
“That’s awesome. Save a dance for me, won’t you? I’m the Best man.” He winks at me flirtatiously, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
I can’t help laughing at him. He’s clearly harmless and only messing around. I don’t feel uncomfortable around him at all and that’s a very good sign. I always trust my instincts and my instincts are telling me Aaron is a good guy.
“That can easily be changed.” Zack makes his way over towards us, fixing an angry pair of eyes on his brother.
“Chill, bro. I’m just playing. Sam knows I’m only joking, don’t you?” Aaron turns to look at me, rolling his eyes at his brother who’s standing behind him.
“Sure, its fine. Besides, I don’t mind promising you a dance.” I smile at him, ignoring the ferocious stare being directed at me by Zack.
“It’s great you two are getting on so well. Sam’s going to look beautiful in her dress, I’ll make sure of that.”
My sister adds, standing in front of Zack before placing his arms around her waist. She grins at me, her eyes sparkling with excitement. It’s obvious she’s already pinned all her hopes on Aaron and me getting together and there’s no chance of discouraging her when she gets an idea in her head.
“I’m sure she will.” Aaron replies, smirking at me.
His gaze wanders up and down my body, clearly checking me out. It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and I don’t know where to look or how to act. I’m not used to being the subject of such a blatant perusal and I’m not sure I like it. It felt different when Zack’s eyes were on me, I was startled to find him watching me from the doorway of Rachel’s room but after my initial shock, it actually felt good to know the smouldering intensity behind his eyes was because of me.
Zack’s glare switches to his brother, a fierce scowl transforming his breathtakingly good looks as he continues to glower at him in contempt and dare I say… jealousy?
“Anyway, I promised my little sister a man-free zone this weekend. You two need to clear off right now.” Rachel admonishes, moving away from Zack to throw a conspiratorial arm around my neck.
“Aw, do we have to? I was looking forward to becoming more acquainted with Sam. My brother is marrying her beautiful sister.” He beams at Rachel, clearly hoping his flattery will win her around.
“Nice try, Aaron. Now go.” She playfully ruffles his hair as though he’s a child and places a delicate kiss on Zack’s lips. “I’ll call you later, baby.”
“Will you call me later, Sam?” Aaron smiles, sauntering across the kitchen towards me.
He doesn’t make it very far, Zack grabs hold of his brother’s arm and practically marches him out the door.
“We’re going. See you later, Sam.” He only turns back to look at me once, locking those magnificent eyes of his upon my own. They linger for a couple of seconds before he’s forced to turn around, leaving Rachel and I alone.
“So that’s Aaron?” I try to sound casual about it, taking a seat at the kitchen table whilst watching my sister make the coffee.
“Yeah, he’s a bit of a handful, isn’t he? He’s harmless though, just a huge flirt. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.”
“I’m sure I will if he’s going to be Zack’s best man.” I say, thanking her for the coffee.
“He’s leaving in a day or so. He’s been staying with Zack and his parents for the last week or so. He was supposed to be at the meal we had with Zack’s parents last week, remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. Well, he seems nice.”
I really don’t want her to get the wrong impression. Aaron is really handsome but I’m just not interested. I’m not interested in anyone. Except him.
“He is. Although, Zack didn’t seem too pleased with him when he left.” She joins me at the table, flicking through a magazine absent-mindedly.
“I’m sure everything will be fine.” I murmur quietly, praying that my wish will come true.
I have a great night with Rachel, we spend the entire evening catching up with one another in a way we never have done before. I completely reconnect with my sister and it’s wonderful. We watch ‘Titanic’ for the three thousandth time and both end up crying by the time we reach the end of it which is sometime after midnight.
“I don’t think I will ever get over the death of Jack Dawson.” My sister chuckles, wiping away her tears.
“Me neither. It broke my heart when I was eight and it’s still not properly healed.” I agree, laughing at the state of us both, crying our eyes out and surrounded by tissues.
“Well, I’m official exhausted. I’m ready for bed, are you?” Rachel yawns, switching off the TV and gathering the empty plates from the take away we ordered earlier.
“Definitely. We’re still sharing, right?” I ask anxiously, grabbing hold of her arm.
“Sure we are. Come on.” My sister knows I would never, ever sleep alone in this house. She doesn’t know the exact reason why but knows it’s not a definitive condition of me staying here.
It’s so weird being here at night. I moved out so long ago, it made me forget what it was like to stay here. At least I don’t have to spend the night in the room I once called my own… the last place I want to revisit is the location where all my nightmares take place.
“Sam, can I ask you something?” Rachel turns over in bed to face me, a worried expression on her face.
“Sure, what’s up?” I mirror her actions and turn to face her, knowing she wants my undivided attention.
“What do you really think of Zack?” She whispers, staring at me with her unblinking eyes.
“What does that matter?” I shift uncomfortably, averting my gaze from hers.
“It matters.” She insists.
“He’s… nice. You make a great couple.” I say, trying to feign enthusiasm.
“I used to think so, until we came back home. Things have been different since we got back and I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s do distant and detached from me, we haven’t slept together since we came here and it’s really starting to concern me.” She confides in me softly. Her beautiful eyes start to fill with tears, breaking my heart just a little bit more.
“But he’s been staying with his parents, neither of you have really had the time to… be together.” I say, stroking her dark hair back from her face.
“That’s what I mean, why doesn’t he want to stay here with me and why doesn’t he want me there with him?”
“If it’s bothering you this much you should talk to him.” I tell her, securing my own VIP place in hell.
“You don’t think I’ve tried? Every time I try and broach the subject he just shuts down. I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe all the wedding stuff is getting to him, it could just be a little too fast for him.”
“But he’s the one who proposed to me. He’s the one who said he didn’t want a long engagement. I’m not forcing him into anything.”
“I know you aren’t. It’s obvious to everyone in the world that he loves you. Give him some time for things to settle down. I’m sure he’ll choose to confide in you eventually.”
“You’re probably right. Thanks for listening, I know I sound melodramatic and self-centered. It’s the way I’ve always been.”
“No, you’re not. You’re lovely.”
“So are you. The loveliest sister in the whole wide world.”
If only she knew.
Rachel’s fell asleep ages ago. I’m the only one left awake, struggling with the darkness and the shadows lurking behind every corner. I hate sleeping in a bed that’s not my own and I especially despite the fact I decided to spend another night in this house. It’s been years but the memories still remain. They always have and they always will. They will remain with me until the day I die and I know I’ll have to face an endless amount of sleepless nights before that day will come.
The gentle sound of my phone buzzing in the corner catches my attention. I left it on the table by the door and creep out of bed, not wanting to wake my sister. I expect it will be Jason, wanting to say goodnight and check I’m ok after our earlier conversation. I pick up my phone and tip toe into Rachel’s en suite, gently closing the door behind me. Glancing down at my phone’s screen, I realise it’s not Jason at all. It’s Zack. He’s still awake and he’s texting me. My sister was sleeping peacefully beside me and he’s reaching out to me. This is so wrong.
I take a seat on the edge of the bath, attempting to regain some control over my breathing before I read his message. Something which is easier said than done. My intense curiosity eventually gets the best of me and I open the text with trembling fingers.
Zack: I can’t stop thinking about you and all the things I wanted to do to you when I saw you earlier.
What did you want to do?
My reply is instantaneous and I regret it as soon as I send it. What on earth am I playing at? What possessed me to ask such a question? I’m a disgusting, diabolical human being and deserve to be ostracised by my family forever for what I just did. My beautiful, perfect sister is sound asleep in the room next door and here I am texting her fiancé, flirting with temptation and the merciless grip it has over me.
Zack: All sorts of things. You have no idea how badly I want to taste you, to explore your body and give you pleasure. I know how wrong that is for me to say to you, I know what type of person that makes me and I STILL don’t care. All I care about is being with you, even if it is for one night. I need one night with you so I can move past this, so I can get over the absolute fixation I have with you and I won’t rest until I get it.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply, counting to one hundred in my head before I reply to him. I now know what has to be done, I know what we both need to move on from this. I know what I must sacrifice in order for my sister’s happiness. I know this is our only option.
You’re right. I’m done trying to fight this thing between us. I’ll spend the night with you and hope to God that will put an end to it. I wish I could erase how I feel about you and I hope this will happen after we’ve… been together.
Zack: You mean it? You’re sure? You can’t change your mind, Samantha. You can’t do that to me. It will kill me if you decide to go back on this.
I won’t change my mind. I know how important it is for the two of us to put an end to this, to abolish these feelings. It’s the only way.
Zack: I’m glad you’ve finally seen sense. Tell me where and when. Anytime, and any place. So long as you can guarantee me a whole night with you.
I hesitate before typing out my response. As soon as I send this final message to him… there will be no going back. My decision will be final.
Next Friday. Book a hotel. Eight PM.
I switch my phone off as soon as my final message has sent, choosing to stay in the darkness of the bathroom so I don’t have to face the darkness in my mind. I should be feeling guilty, I should be repulsed by my actions but I’m not. There’s an odd sense of calm surrounding me, encouraging me that the decision I’ve just made is the right one. I realise that nothing about this situation will get better unless I do something about it, I need my sister to be happy and if this is the only way that can happen then so be it.
This time next week my time with Zack will be over. We will walk away and be able to put the last couple of weeks behind us. I can get on with my life, put my ridiculous obsession with him behind me and Zack will be able to concentrate on his engagement, my sister and their wedding.
At least that’s what I hope.