Chapter Two
Zack
This is not normal. This is not fucking normal and I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do about it! I’ve been tossing and turning in bed for hours. I can’t sleep, I can’t rest, I can’t even think straight because of her. I turn to look at the time on the clock next to my bed, its 4.30 am and I went to bed three hours ago. I’m not even close to falling asleep and decide its time I get up or do something to relieve the tension that’s threatening to take hold of me.
I throw the sheets off my body, stalking out of my bedroom and down the stairs. I realise I’m being pretty loud and try to quieten my steps, I don’t want to wake my parents or give them cause to worry. Rachel’s staying at her mum’s house tonight. She made it perfectly clear that I was welcome to stay there with her but I declined her offer. It’s the last place I wanted to be after everything that happened tonight.
I make my way into the kitchen and switch on the cold tap, holding an empty glass underneath it. I gulp down the refreshing water in three large gulps, pouring myself another glass straight after. I close my eyes, trying to convince myself that the only reason I can’t sleep is because it’s my first night back home. I haven’t been under the same roof as my parents for a long time and it’s a strange and surreal feeling. Aaron, my younger brother will be back home in a couple of days and it almost feels like I’ve gone back in time. Its thirteen years ago and nothing has really changed.
I can try and fool myself that this is the reason for my sudden bout of insomnia. I can even try to convince myself that it’s the excitement from being back home or from meeting my fiancé’s family but I know all of this is a lie. The reason I can’t sleep is because of her.
I’d love to be able to say that I’m referring to my fiancé. I’d love to believe that it’s the idea of being separated from her, even for just one night that’s too much to bear and I’m missing her like crazy. Again, this is not the truth. I can’t sleep because I cannot get the thought, image, voice or face of my fiancé’s sister out of my God damn head. The idea of her has been etched into my brain with permanent marker, I don’t have a clue how to erase it or even if I really want to.
The truth is I spotted her as soon as she walked in. I was at the other end of the room, bored out my mind and stuck talking to one of Rachel’s uncles or someone equally unimportant. I was nodding my head, tuning out the words he was saying whilst trying to look interested when I first saw her walk in. My mouth opened and I couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped my lips. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her and watched her in fascination, studying every single move she made. I had no idea who she was at this point, I knew she must have been one of Rachel’s friends or relations but didn’t even consider the possibility that she was her sister.
I couldn’t understand why she looked so terrified. Her eyes were wide and her whole body was tense, no one made an effort to greet her or start a conversation but for some reason I felt like she didn’t really care. I saw Miranda, Rachel’s mum hurry over towards her and drag her into the corner. It was at this point that I made my excuses to the unknown relative I was speaking to and sprung across the room to Rachel’s side. She was involved in her own conversation and seemed oblivious to the frightened girl’s presence. I desperately wanted to interrupt her and demand she tell me who the girl was. I was starting to get the hideous suspicion that it could be Rachel’s younger sister but didn’t want to face such a possibility. She had captivated me in a way I couldn’t even begin to describe and it would make things ten thousand times worse if I found out she was going to be my sister-in-law.
I glanced over at her out of the corner of my eye and fought the anger building up inside of me when I saw the way her mum was treating her. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but it was obvious that she was being scolded for being late or something like that. I was so, so tempted to race over there and put a stop to it. I felt like I wanted to protect her and get her out of there, it made no sense but that’s exactly what I felt.
As soon as Miranda walked away from her, I thought I could relax. I noticed the tension leave Samantha’s body once her mother left her alone and that’s when I started to consider walking over there and introducing myself. Rachel was taking too long finishing up her conversation with her aunt and I just couldn’t control the undeniable urge I had to speak with Sam. I was about to make my way over to her when I noticed the horrified look on her face, I followed her gaze across the room towards a drunken Peter, a cousin of Rachel’s. I thought he was a dick when I first met him and that was when he was sober, now he was drunk I could imagine him being a lot worse. I clenched my fists when I saw him throw an arm around her neck, pulling her towards him. It was obvious how uncomfortable she was around him and I didn’t understand why no one was doing anything to intercept him and the dominating hold he had over her.
“What’s the matter, baby?” Rachel finally turned to face me and I wasted no time in spinning her around to face the girl on the opposite side of the room.
“Is that your sister?” I asked, pointing towards the girl that bewitched me the moment she walked through the door.
“Yeah, that’s Samantha. Oh, dear. Peter’s with her and she can’t stand him.” Rachel moaned.
“Go and help her, get her away from him. Do whatever you have to do.” I urged her, pushing her forward.
“Gotcha. See you in a minute.”
Rachel sped over towards them and I watched as she threw her arms around her sister’s neck, embracing her in a tight hug. Rachel had her out of there in seconds and I took the opportunity to observe them together. I didn’t know whether to be devastated or thrilled that the girl I was dazzled by was going to be my sister-in-law.
I couldn’t explain or deny the magnetic pull I felt towards her. My feet started moving of their own accord in her direction as I ignored every single person who tried to engage me in some sort of conversation. I had one aim and that was to reach her. She still looked uneasy but less uncomfortable than she did a few minutes ago before she saw Rachel. I overheard Rachel telling her that she should thank me for noticing her discomfort across the room with Peter and that’s when I came to a direct standstill right behind the girl I can’t remove from my head.
“Really? I’ll have to thank him when we’re introduced.” She said in a noncommittal manner.
Hearing her complete evasiveness and flippancy made me angry. She hadn’t even noticed me and here I was going out of my mind with concern for her, bewildered and dumbfounded by the immediate connection I felt to her.
“There’s really no need.” I said, standing close behind her.
I wanted her to look at me, I needed her to see my face and then I’d know. I had to know if I was alone in this, I had to know if she felt it too. I had no idea what was happening to me, all I knew was that I wanted her to see me. I needed to be close to her and speak with her more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.
I noticed the recognition in her eyes when she turned around. Whatever it was that had captivated me… she felt it too. She inhaled sharply, just like I’d done when I first saw her. I think she might have even stammered over her words as she spoke to me. Again, I didn’t know whether to be pleased or dismayed. It would have crucified me if she had looked at me and felt nothing but now I knew that she did… it just made this situation even more fucked up than it already was. I’m going to be her brother-in-law! I’ve been in a relationship with her sister for the past twelve months and when Rachel and I eventually get around to having kids, she’s going to be their aunt. The whole thing is so messed up, it makes my brain hurt.
I groan, cradling my head in my hands as I sit down at the kitchen table. I can’t believe this is happening to me, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and that’s what terrifies me. I don’t even remember feeling this way about Rachel when I first met her. I remember thinking how beautiful she was, I wanted her and relentlessly pursued her until she agreed to go out on a date with me but this… this is something different. I can’t even put what I’m feeling into words and I know that’s not a good thing.
It was like I was under her spell the moment she walked through the door. My breath hitched and my whole body froze, I was hypnotised by her before she even set eyes on me and that’s why I can’t even begin to explain the relief I felt to see that I elicited the same reaction from her. She felt something, I know she did. Her whole body language changed the second she turned around and I know that means something.
The thing that confuses me the most is the fact that she’s not even my type. I know we deny it but we all have a preference, especially guys. I never go for blondes, my inclination has always been for tall, brown eyed brunettes just like Rachel and Samantha is a complete contrast to her in every single way. She’s tiny, about five foot three and I’m six foot one. She’s fair skinned, has green eyes and her body type is petite. Rachel’s more curvaceous and everything I thought I wanted nine hours ago.
Jesus, what am I thinking? I still want Rachel. The fact that I love and adore my fiancé certainly hasn’t changed just because I find her little sister really attractive, right? I’m sure there are plenty of guys who have found themselves in a similar situation before now. They’ll keep it to themselves and won’t say anything but that doesn’t mean it’s never happened. No one is going to admit they have the hots for their one of their partner’s relatives. I’m sure this strange and newfound feeling will go away by itself, it’s bound to once I get used to her and get to know her a little better. I’m sure it will go away in its own time and the more emphasis I put on it is only going to make things worse.
That’s why I insisted on spending so much time with her this evening. I thought that being around her would help, I presumed that my abnormal feelings for her would fade as soon as we became more comfortable with each other. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It made things worse! I kept on waiting for my bizarre obsession and fixation with her to pass but it didn’t. By the end of the night I felt like it was out of my control and I started to panic. I didn’t know whether I wanted her to leave or stay, I didn’t know if I wanted to be near her or miles away and it was really starting to screw with my head.
Samantha seemed to be a little cautious and reserved throughout the rest of the evening and didn’t provide me with any more signs that she felt anything for me at all. Besides her initial reaction to me when we first met, I would have thought I hadn’t managed to disconcert her at all. She was perfectly polite but a little taciturn and it was as though she was wary of me when we were alone on the balcony together.
I constantly fought with myself over how I should deal with the situation, a part of me just wanted to grab her and demand that she tell me what was going on inside her head. I wanted to know if she was having the same thoughts as me, did she feel what I feeling? Was she attracted to me? Was she just as confused as I was? Did she want me? My list of questions went on and on, I just couldn’t find the courage to speak any of them.
What really pissed me off was the way that her mother kept on treating her. When I was first introduced to Rachel’s mum, I thought she seemed really nice. I had no issue with her at all until I saw the way her behaviour changed whilst dealing with Sam. First she cornered her when she arrived and then she placed her at the far end of the table, right away from Rachel and the centre of everything that was going on. I kept sneaking glances at her throughout our meal. I could hardly focus on anything anyone was saying, my eyes were just drawn to her. I was forced to look away a couple of times to answer a question or thank one of the waiters but my eyes went right back to her as soon as it was possible. I could barely sit still, I was itching to be near her, I wanted her close by but she was as far away as she could possibly me. Rachel said she couldn’t really do anything about where Samantha was seated and I saw her apologise to her sister when she first sat down.
When Rachel started to tell everyone how I had proposed to her, my sympathies were with Sam and how she must have been feeling. Her entire family were ignoring her, all of their attention was being focused on Rachel and I couldn’t help empathising with the daughter they treated so poorly. Don’t get me wrong, my own relations aren’t perfect but they would never exclude someone like this family were doing to her. It made me feel awkward and uneasy but whenever I glanced a look at her, Sam didn’t seem to be upset, she appeared to be proud of her older sister and I never noticed any bitterness or resentment in her eyes for what Rachel had. I started to think I’d misread her initial reaction to me. She had no feelings for me, she looked bored sitting at the grand dining table and was probably counting down the minutes until she could go home and spent the evening with her boyfriend. I froze, fixating my powerful gaze on her once again. Did she… did she have a boyfriend? Fuck, I hadn’t even considered that possibility and I felt stupid for not asking Rachel when I had the chance.
We were literally bombarded by Rachel’s relations after we finished the meal and it was a little overwhelming to say the least. By this point I was so ready to leave, I wanted to get out of there and needed to clear my head. I eventually managed to detach myself from the crowd of people surrounding us and made my way outside. I thought Samantha would be on the balcony again and went out there to check but she wasn’t there. I searched everywhere but she was nowhere to be found. I hated the idea of her leaving without saying goodbye but there was nothing I could do about it. It was probably for the best.
I was just about to make my way back into the lounge when I heard indistinct voices coming from the hallway. I recognised one of them to be Sam’s and paused, wondering if I could somehow ‘stumble’ across her before she snuck out. Miranda walked right by me a few seconds later but I purposefully hung hid behind the doorway so she couldn’t spot me and drag me back into the party. She’d just finished her conversation with Sam so I knew if I was quick I might just catch her before she left.
I used the excuse that she hadn’t said goodbye and then insisted on taking her home. I think I even suggested the idea of us walking, knowing it would give me a few extra minutes to be alone with her. She was still incredibly nervous around me and I quickly wanted to dispel any of the concerns she might have about being alone with me. I wanted her to feel comfortable, I wanted her to feel like I’m someone she can trust and someone she can talk to. Lord knows she might need someone after the diabolical way her own family treated her tonight.
The journey in the car was full of awkward silences, it was clear that neither of us knew what to say to each other and to break the silence, I ended up offering to give her some driving lessons. I felt like an absolute idiot as soon as I suggested it, especially when she politely declined my offer.
My next attempt to engage her in some sort of conversation was when I tried to delve a little deeper into her relationship with her mum. She was reluctant to give anything away but revealed enough for me to understand the tension between them goes back a long way.
I was close to despair by the time I dropped Samantha home. My time with her was coming to an end and all I cared about was stealing few extra moments for us to be alone. I was scared of being alone because I knew I stood the chance of being entirely consumed by my mixed up feelings. I didn’t know what was happening to me but I knew it involved her, she was the route of my insanity and I needed to find out more.
The jealousy that coursed through me when she mentioned her friend Jason was indescribable. I’m normally not the envious or possessive type but all of that changed as soon as I thought there was another guy in the picture. I’m not even envious over Rachel, she’s always had male friends and it’s never been an issue for me before. I couldn’t comprehend why the thought of another man waiting for Samantha inside her apartment made me furious. I had absolutely no right to feel that way, I’m engaged for Christ’s sake! I knew it was wrong but it still mattered to me. I didn’t want my fiancé’s sister to be with anyone, I didn’t want there to be any other guy in her life. How messed up is that?
I relaxed for a fraction of a second when she told me Jason was just a friend. It didn’t last for long when I started to think about the possibility of a man and woman really just being friends. I wanted to ask if Jason was gay but knew how appallingly rude that would be of me. I hoped he was, at least then I wouldn’t have to worry about them being along together in her apartment. All these crazy thoughts kept whirling around inside my head. My hands were trembling and my heart was thumping violently inside my chest, making me hope she wouldn’t be able to hear it.
I watched her get out the car and walk away from me, she disappeared inside her building without giving me a backward glance and I let out a frustrated groan. I leant my forehead against the steering wheel as I attempted to regain some control over my unsettling thoughts. I could have stayed in my car for a bit longer but I knew how creepy that would make me sitting outside her complex and sped out of the parking lot in anger.
I wanted nothing more than to be alone after that but knew I had no choice in the matter. I had to get back to Rachel who was still at her mum’s place, she was probably wondering where the hell I was and I’d left my phone behind before I took off with Sam. I switched on the radio, desperate to dispel the chaos going on inside my head. The Robin Schulz remix of ‘Waves’ by Mr. Probz came on and I drove through the empty streets and fought to control my own subconscious, battling to eliminate the intrusive thoughts of Sam that kept infiltrating my mind. The track is one of my favourites, it normally helps me to relax but for once it did the opposite. It intensified the fucked up thoughts racing through my head, increasing the speed with which I made it back. I figured the faster I drove, the sooner I’d manage to abolish everything to do with her.
I made it back in less than five minutes and reluctantly made my way back inside the house. There were only a handful of people left and I was glad that I’d be able to make my own excuses and leave soon.
“Zack, where have you been?” Miranda asks, walking over towards me.
“I just dropped Samantha home. I didn’t want her to walk home by herself this late.” I said sharply, scanning the room for Rachel.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that. She should have got a taxi.” Miranda replied dismissively.
“I told her not to. I was insistent that I drive her home. It wasn’t safe for her to get a cab at this time.”
“Zack! Where did you disappear off to?” Rachel interrupted us, throwing her arms around my neck.
“I took your sister home.”
“Samantha left?”
She looked genuinely bewildered which infuriated me. It was obvious that she couldn’t care less about her sister’s presence at her own engagement celebration and this left me feeling angry on Sam’s behalf.
“Yes.” I sighed impatiently, removing myself from her embrace. “She would have walked home by herself if I hadn’t stopped her.”
“That’s so sweet of you.” She cooed affectionately.
I could smell the wine on her breath and although she wasn’t drunk, she was no longer entirely sober.
“Not really. It was the decent thing to do.” I said quietly.
Rachel’s mum decided to leave us alone and walked away to say goodbye to some of her guests. Funny that it was supposed to be our engagement party but Miranda only invited the people she knew.
“Listen, mum said our room is all ready for us upstairs if you want to go up. She knows how tired we must be from the long journey this morning. The caterers can tidy up and mum doesn’t mind us making an early exit.”
“I’m actually thinking of going home tonight.” I told her, guiding her by the elbow so I could lead her back outside onto the balcony.
I didn’t want to have a discussion with her in front of the remaining people inside, her relatives seemed to watch our every move and it made me uncomfortable.
“You want to go to your place? Ok, give me a few minutes to get my things together and I’ll be right with you.”
She made to turn around but I grabbed her hand and stopped her, she misunderstood what I meant and I had to set her straight.
“Rachel, you’ve yet to meet my parents. Do you really want your first time seeing them to be tomorrow morning when you first wake up?”
“It’s not ideal but if you want to go back to your place tonight then I don’t really have a choice.”
“I meant that I’ll go back to my parent’s house and you can stay here. Spend some quality time with your mum whilst you have the chance.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” She asked doubtfully, appearing concerned.
“Nope, its fine. I’ll see you later.” I slid open the balcony door, half way out of it before Rachel tried to stop me.
“Aren’t you going to say goodbye to my mum and thank her?”
“Can you do it for me? I’m exhausted and don’t want to interrupt her just to say goodbye. I’ll see her tomorrow when I pick you up.”
I gave her a peck on the cheek before I turned and left. I know I was being dismissive and a little harsh but I was desperate to be alone. All I wanted to do was go to my own mum and dad’s and go to bed. I had to try and put the events of the evening behind me, hoping that I would wake up the next morning feeling refreshed and revitalised, Samantha a distant thought in my head. Of course that didn’t happen.
I arrived home late, surprising my parents who were almost on their way to bed. I told them all about my evening (excluding my deranged and insane fixation with my future sister-in-law) and went off to bed. I spent three hours tossing and turning, unable to sleep and unable to get her out of my mind.
The soothing sound of the kitchen clock is the only company I have. I’m restless, agitated, unsettled and anxious. These emotions are completely new to me, normally my life is good. I’m happy, confident, content and self-assured. I don’t have sleepless nights and I don’t torture myself like this. I thought I’d wake up tomorrow morning feeling foolish, I hoped I’d chastise myself for my inappropriate response to another woman and forget all about it. What I did not predict was this unimaginable feeling. It’s clawing its way inside my body, stealing every inch my freedom that still remains. She’s entirely consumed me and I don’t know why. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I’m lost and don’t know how to find myself, I don’t know where to start or how to understand what’s happening to me.
What I do know is very important. I have to see her again, I need to see her again soon. Until then… I hope the unbelievable emptiness inside of me will go away. I long for the ache in my chest to go away and forget everything that happened tonight.
The problem is I somehow instinctively know that this is not the end. It’s only the beginning…