Epilogue
My hands are shaking, they’re actually trembling as I apply my make-up, struggling to concentrate as I focus on sweeping my mascara onto my eyelashes. He’s going to be here any minute and I’m not even dressed yet. I spent a whole hour deciding what I should wear tonight, unable to decide between three outfits I had already placed on my bed to choose from.
I still can’t believe I’m actually getting ready to go on my first date with Zack. I almost feel as though I’m in some parallel universe, one which I’m going to wake up from any second. I’ve literally pinched myself several times throughout today just to make sure I’m not dreaming.
It’s been six months. Six months since we met and in the space of that time, I cannot even begin to describe the turbulent journey we have been on. I think a part of me agrees with Zack, I truly believe a part of me did fall in love with him the first time I saw him, remembering the way my breath got stuck in my lungs and my heart rate increased. I recall the butterflies in my stomach and the way I could scarcely bring myself to look at him in case I said something dumb or idiotic.
Falling in love with Zack was not a choice, nor was it an option. I had no control over my feelings for him back then and I will continue to believe this for the rest of my life.
The guilt will always remain. I realise it’s not going to disappear anytime soon and I also know that my love for him has cost me my relationship with my sister. Things will never be the same between us and I’m not naive enough to convince myself otherwise. All I can do now is move forward. I could look back but I’m no longer choosing to live in the past. I’ve spent far too much time there and for now… I want to look forward.
Harry and what he did won’t ever go away. Again, I’m not naive enough to believe this is possible but I do know that I have to move on. The past is the past for a reason and the future is the one thing we can look forward to. The present is now. It’s the only thing we have that can be guaranteed. The present is a gift and I am determined to cherish it.
My friendship with Jason might be over. I have come to understand that a true friend would not have chosen to break my heart like he did when he told me those lies about Zack. He was the one who ruined what we had and until the day he decides to seek me out and apologise… I no longer wish to know him.
My mum was never what a true mother to me and although I wish our relationship could be repaired, I also know that she will never be able to let go of the past and for this reason, I have decided to let go of her.
As for my beautiful baby I once had… he is still with me every single day. I carry him within my heart and know that I will one day be able to see him in the future children I might have. I still cry for him, I still weep but know that you cannot truly lose what you hold so dear within your heart.
A knock at the door startles me into action, speeding up my movements so I won’t have to keep him waiting. I slip on my shoes and take one final look in the mirror. For the first time in my life, I choose to appreciate my reflection. One day I hope to see the beauty within myself that Zack does and I also hope to look beneath all of the sadness I have carried around for so long. I hope to find the light inside of me and the flame that I thought had died out a long time ago.
I walk across the living room and take a deep breath, slowly opening the front door in nervous excitement.
“Wow…” He exhales loudly, allowing his smouldering dark eyes to take in my appearance, lingering on my new dress before travelling back up towards my face.
“Do you like it?” I ask in nervous trepidation.
“You look incredible. Astonishingly beautiful.” He replies, flashing me one of his million dollar smiles.
The one that still takes my breath away.
“Should we go?” I ask, reaching for my purse which I left hanging by the door.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“No…” I say uncertainly, trying to remember if there is anything that slipped my mind.
“My name.” He replies simply.
“Your name?”
“This is our first date, remember? You need to ask me my name.” He rolls his eyes as though he’s dealing with someone who is purposefully being idiotic.
I decide to go along with it and try to suppress the smile that’s tugging at the corners of my mouth.
“May I ask your name?” I ask sweetly, struggling to keep a straight face.
“I’m Zack.” He grins at me and offers out his hand for me to shake, just like he did the first time we met when Rachel introduced us all those months ago. “Pleased to meet you.”
“Hi, Zack.” I take his hand in my own and smile. “I’m Samantha.”
For twenty-three years I convinced myself I was the ‘Wrong girl,’ and you know what? Maybe I was when we first met. Maybe I should be persecuted for the rest of my life for falling in love with my sister’s fiancé but that is not for anyone else to decide. No one has a right to pass judgement on the choices I have made or my mistakes. Right now I am his girl and that’s more than alright for me.