CHAPER THIRTEEN

I woke up early this morning and crawled out of Kanye’s arms and off the sofa bed easily. Kanye’s always been a heavy sleeper. I stayed watching him sleep a bit. He looks so peaceful. His hair mussed, face soft and slightly pouty lips. He really is the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.

An hour later and I’m in the dining room trying to figure out what I’m going to do when I focus on the pictures of Lily and Jake on the table.

They’re beautiful together and it has nothing to do with looks; it’s how their love for each other shines through their eyes. Just one look and the whole world can see how much they mean to each other. My brother's arms are wrapped around Lily possessively. He’s going to protect her forever. Lily’s smile up at Jake says how happy she is, how she’s going to make my brother happy forever.

“As hard as it sounds, you need to let go of the past and embrace your future.”

Argh. How is it my past when it affects me every day? Just last night. That’s my present and that’s why it’s always going to be my future. I need control; that’s what I need to do. I need to step back from Kanye or I’m going to hurt him more. I love him, so much, but he’s going to want things I can’t give him, children, to become a family, but I can’t do that. I’m too damaged to ever become a mother. My future holds me being alone. I’m doomed to watch as Kanye receives that gift from another woman. My heart splinters, but it’s the only way.

My head whips as I hear footsteps. I see Kanye walk into the entry hall from the living room. He sees me and then pins me with his eyes and there’s fire there. I know why. I remember.

“Emmy, I’m pretty sure you haven’t forgotten this, but I will remind you just in case. I fucking hate waking up and finding you gone from the bed. That has not changed, just to be clear,” Kanye says with raised eyebrows.

He takes a step toward the dining room and I raise my hand, “Stop.”

Kanye freezes on the spot and narrows his eyes on me.

“Last night was amazing and,” I pause to find the right word, “scary,” I say softly. “But it was a onetime thing. I’m sorry if I led you on to think it would move you and me to an us, because it won’t. I need you to know it won’t happen again.”

Kanye stays silent for a moment while his eyes continue to pierce mine. Then he abruptly laughs.

My brows drop as I’m trying to figure out what the hell he thinks is funny.

Kanye steps toward me and I take a step back.

“Emmy, this is what’s going to happen. I’m moving back in. This,” Kanye points his finger between him and me, “is happening. Fuck, I’ve been waiting for you to make the first move for three goddamn months and last night you did; that’s all I needed. I know you want me. I know you love me. Now it’s my move and, baby, I’m taking a huge fucking step right into your life and there is nothing you can do about it. You're mine, always have been. Only sweet days ahead for us, Emmy. I’m going to show you that.”

Shock radiates through me and my mouth dries up like the Sahara desert. My lips part but no sound comes out. I shake my head, trying to signal to Kanye that this is not happening. This is your Kanye. How could you not realize this is what he would do? That thought alone stops my head shaking. I should have known. I do know. Nothing is going to stop Kanye from moving back in, and I have no money to move out. You don’t want to. No, I don’t. Goddamn, I’m weak. I want this. I want him. I just need to fight harder. Fight harder for his future.

Kanye steps up to me and cups my cheek. He’s smiling. A full, bright smile. The first I’ve seen in five years. My thoughts and doubts come to a halt. I melt into his hand and stare at his beautiful smile.

“For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo,” Kanye softly whispers before he gently kisses my closed lips. “That’s us, baby, but we win. We turn our nightmares into a beautiful dream.”

And with those devastating beautiful words that I want to come true so badly, Kanye turns and leaves the house.

I’m still staring at the door when I hear his truck leave the driveway and drive to where, I’m not sure. Then I’m zapped out of my bubble realizing he’s probably gone to Dom’s to retrieve his things. Damn it!

***

I’m sitting in my therapist's room watching her jot down her notes as I’ve just told her about my night with Kanye and explained how impossible the man is, and that he’s now moving in. She smirked. Everyone is against me!

“So what made you want to kiss Kanye last night?”

I’m used to her direct questions by now. If a person off the street asked me personal questions, I’d have been shocked and I would imagine slapping them in my mind. Only in my mind, though. I could never actually hit a person just over words. Donovan on the other hand, well, that man has a whole world of hurt coming his way. Let’s see how much he likes me when I’m not locked in a room with only a bed and a huge man guarding the door.

“Emily?” I hear Dr. Zeek say, trying to grab my attention.

“Umm, sorry, what was the question again?”

“How about we talk about what was just on your mind?”

“I was thinking about Donovan. About what I would do to him if I wasn’t locked in a room.”

“Okay, and what would you do?”

“Torture and kill him,” I say without having to think for even a second.

“Hmm.” Dr. Zeek begins jotting down more notes.

I sigh, “Why don’t you buy a recorder instead of writing it all down?” I’ve wondered this during every session. It would save her a lot of time and probably arthritis in her wrists.

“Because I only need to remember the important parts. Now, why would you rather torture and kill Donovan instead of sending him to prison for the rest of his life?”

My breath stalls and I gasp Dr. Zeek with astonishment. “That would be too kind. Plus, there’s no way to say that would happen. What he did, he did in another country. The places and evidence are gone, burned to the ground. He would get off and do this to someone else. I can’t let that happen. I’m not going to let that happen,” I end with a shout, moving to the front of my chair, my chest rising and falling fast.

“You say it like you are doing something about that, Emily. Are you?”

I dart my eyes straight to the window while I shake my head. I’m desperately trying to think of something to say when I hear her inhale sharply and my eyes dart straight back to her.

“Emily, I know the signs when people are lying to lie to me. This is what I went to college for eight years for. What are you into? What are you thinking? You barely escaped alive last time and you are trying to find this man?” she asks her questions quickly and panic is leaked all over her words.

“I found him,” I state and decide since I can’t lie to her, I will be honest. I know she can’t tell anyone what we talk about, only under oath in court. “He’s been looking for me, and eventually he will find me. I’m going to catch him before he gets to me. Before he can come anywhere near my family, near Kanye.”

“That sounds dangerous, Emily, and what you’re willing to do is going to change you more than you already have. Taking someone’s life, there is no coming back from that.”

“He’s not even a person. He’s a thing. I will only feel relief. I’ll be saving countless other women.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Emily. You will feel guilt. The relief you are so desperate for can only come from you learning to love your scarred soul. Killing Donovan will only compound your conscience and make it worse. This isn’t who you were or who you are, Emily.”

I shake my head repeatedly, not wanting to hear her words. I understand what I will feel. I will be saving others. That’s all I need to know. Dr. Zeek wasn’t there. She can’t fathom how much of a monster he is just from the words she hears me say about him.

I stand from the chair. “I’m done for today. See you on Wednesday.” With those words, I leave her office and her warnings behind.

***

Pulling into my driveway, I see Kanye’s truck and I spot his feet crossed and resting on the porch. I park behind his car and hop out. I slam my car door shut and see his head pop around the porch barrier. He’s on a phone call. His eyes bore into me, the heat and intensity from his stare has me rubbing my thighs together. No! Get a hold of yourself, Emily. Do not lead him in the wrong direction. Into a direction of never having a family and never truly being happy.

I walk up the steps and past him. All the while, he keeps his eyes on me. They travel my body slowly up and down. God, I need to stay away from him. I practically fall over my feet running into the house.

I walk through the entry to the dining room and notice my pictures are gone, not gone, stacked on top of each other and put in a pile on the cabinet in the dining room.

My chest constricts. I drop my bag to the floor, grab my pictures and spread them out on the table. First picture, Lily and Jake, Second picture, older lady walking past my house, third picture, a young man skating past the shops, fourth picture a teenage girl walking with her friends.

I sense Kanye enter the room watching me closely while I furiously place out my pictures.

“Emmy, I’m making dinner. I moved them so we would have room to eat.”

I don’t ignore Kanye. I just can’t do anything until I have all my pictures placed back out on the table. There are answers to my questions in these pictures. I need them kept out. I need to look them over. I need them left alone.

“Emily?”

I place the last picture on one of the chairs, as there is no room left on the table. I examine the last picture. It’s of a couple I spotted walking out of my therapist’s office. I followed them downstairs and almost missed my appointment all because I needed to capture their picture. For some reason, they need help with something, yet hand in hand, they walk out smiling. How? I’m lost in my own world when I feel Kanye’s warm hand on my elbow.

I snap out of my thoughts and look straight at him.

“Emmy, are you ignoring me?”

“No, I just need these pictures out at all times. Please don’t stack them again. When I’m ready, I will put them away. But that time is not yet, okay?”

“Baby, have you told Dr. Zeek about your pictures?”

I focus on Kanye confused. Why would I tell her I take pictures?

“Emmy, these, “he pushes his hand out to the pictures, “are a result of what you went through.”

“It's fine, Kanye. Really, this phase of mine will pass.” I walk out of the dining room before he can reply. The pictures are for me. They are a puzzle I need to work out. Dr. Zeek can’t help me with that.

I spot a tossed salad on the bench and steaks cooking on the grill. I inhale deeply when I smell the marinade. Kanye used to make it all the time for me. It was my favorite. I used to think about it in the collection house. When I was bored, I would try to re-create it, but could never achieve exactly the same result, or maybe I had just forgotten how it tasted.

Heat hits my back. I step forward and turn around. “Barbecue marinated steaks, hey?”

“I wanted to make you one of your favorites to celebrate us being back in our house tonight.”

I sigh heavily. “Kanye,” I say in a warning tone. “Nothing has changed between us. You may be forcing your way back into my life, but it’s not because I asked you into it.” The words are harsh and they sting as they pass my lips. I was never this cruel before. God, I don’t want to be this person.

“Oh, baby, we have changed. Maybe not as much as I’d have liked to by now, but for now, it’s enough. Now why don’t you go have a shower or bath? Dinner’s in thirty.” With that, Kanye goes to the grill and flips the steaks.

I know there’s no use fighting him on this. He knows where I stand. I know he will keep pushing and I need to be ready for those moments. To save him, I will deny myself what I want. In time, he will see I did what’s best for him.

Facing off against Donovan also looms over me. I may not come out alive, another reason to keep my distance from Kanye.