CHAPTER ONE

Found, saved, released... freed.

Should I have a smile on my face? I should be happy, right? I’m going home. I’m going to see my family and I’m going to be safe from now on. No more hands touching me. No more bruises to watch fade away from my skin.

But I’m broken, ruined, and worthless. What can I offer them? I’m tainted. Darkness has touched me more times than I can wrap my mind around.

This suburban family doesn’t know what true evil is. I’ve laid beside the devil countless times and he’s turned me black. Inside and out.

The world around me grows louder and I come out of my thoughts, staring at the ground. I turn my head to look for Kanye, who is standing behind me. We just stepped off the plane that brought me home. He’s watching me, again. Each time I glimpse a look at him, my breath catches. He hasn’t changed at all in the last five years. Still the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. His wild, short blond hair and deep blue eyes that tell me he’s so much more than just a pretty face; his thoughts are always deep and meaningful. His body is still fit and muscular. My head still only comes up to his eye level.

Shouts distract me from my examination. I look around and find my parents sprinting toward me. Across the airstrip not listening to any of the men screaming behind them to stop. My mother drops her handbag, items spilling from it; however, she doesn’t stop to pick it up.

Time slows for just a moment as I watch my parents. My mother’s short brown hair whips in the air. Her eyes wide with tears falling. I can see one of the teardrops hit her red shirt, and there it sits, a lone wet tear, a teardrop for me.

My father’s cheeks are puffing in and out heavily. His arms pumping hard, I watch as each vein pops up as he pulls and pushes his arms backwards and forwards.

I tilt my head to the side. They’re running toward me, to embrace me. To comfort me? How long will it take them to realize their Emily is gone. How long until they realize I’m repulsive. And I will lose them, all over again.

I’m scared of their touch. Light, loving, forgiving.

Oomph! They’ve crashed into me and time sets back to present and harsh reality.

My dad picks me up, circles his arms around my body, and cries into my neck. My mother hugs me from behind. I feel her tears soaking through my shirt.

I’m scared. My chest feels heavy. My heart begins to swell. It expands and the ice around my heart starts cracking, breaking off in tiny pieces.

My mother’s sobs turn into screams at my back and larger pieces of ice break off. I’m left with just a swollen heart, who just let everything in. Pain, suffering, torment, relief, love. I can feel it all and it’s too much. But I can’t turn it off.

My chest starts heaving, but my mouth refuses to open and let out the cries that are now clawing at my lips to let them have a voice. A voice... they’ve never had a voice. Someone who cared what they cried, someone who would fix the hurt they were feeling.

It’s happening. My body melts into my father’s. My eyes sting and blur. Slowly, I open my mouth and there they are. The cries. They’ve gone ignored and unwanted for so long. They are mine. My cries of pain, torment and my relief.

My father jolts at the agonizing sound that’s ripped from my throat. My mother stands back and repeats my name on a whisper.

Hands wrap around me from behind and I know whose they are. The one person who at this moment is going to send me over the edge. Kanye.

I fall into him, his warmth, and strong arms. We collapse to the ground and he holds me to him. My head to his neck and his hand under my knees.

Kanye repeats on a whisper while rocking us on the ground, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I continue to let my precious cries go, while the man I love and the man I cried out for so often apologizes for the pain he didn’t inflict. Pain I can see he has inflicted on himself.

I’m letting my pain go and sharing it with the world. Now everyone around me knows just how much agony I’m in. And they’re listening; they will try to help. They can’t. But at least someone cares. That’s all I ever wanted.

Moments later, my breathing becomes erratic. I know next my sight will blur and the world will disappear into darkness. I started getting panic attacks at the beginning, before the parties. But I learned how to stop them.

Inhale through the nose, exhale out the mouth, inhale through the nose, exhale out the mouth.

My crying stops and my chest slows. I look up and meet Kanye’s eyes staring down at me. I’m unsure of what to do. I didn’t plan on showing them my pain. I calculated the best scenario would be to hide my suffering and move on with them all, with my pain, just hiding in front of it.

Now I’m unsure what this will mean. I’ve calculated every step I’ve taken for the last three years. I’ve had to. Each wrong step could have meant death. Meant someone else close to me disappearing.

I need to regroup. I’ve longed to come back to my family, but not to hurt them.

I look over at my parents, hanging on to each other tightly. Both on the edge of despair. That’s what the devils gave me: pain, torment and despair. But I refuse to share it. I refuse to pass it on. It’s mine to bear and I will carry it alone.

My plan is to save my family and Kanye from me. I won’t taint them with my broken mind and my scarred soul. I’ll be okay. I’ll be normal. I’ll hold them at arm’s length and leave them there. It’s safer that way. They won’t find out just how worthless I am and they won’t leave or discard me.

I look back to Kanye and feel his strong as steal grip on my body.

“I’m okay,” I state.

We stand and I move away from him. I step to my parents. “I’m fine.. I lost it for a moment. But it’s okay. I’m going to be alright..”

My parents both look to each other, then my mom steps toward me. “Don’t ever apologize for being lost or broken.”

Tears sear down my face. They see straight through me. My mother’s eyes shine with hurt and it breaks my heart. I want to save them. But how can I save them from me when I can’t even save myself.

I nod. “Okay.”

My father embraces me once again and says, “My baby girl is home.”

I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him hard, while meeting Kanye’s eyes.

No, she’s gone. She will never be coming home.