CHAPTER FOUR

I open my eyes and look around the room. Straight away, I clench my eyes closed tightly. Not this dream again. Tears pool behind my closed eyes and I will myself to wake up. The knock comes on the door like it always does¸ and then I hear my mother’s sweet voice tell me to wake up for school.

“Em, are you awake? Your father and I are having breakfast. Will you come down and join us.”

My wet eyes fly open and I sit up ramrod straight in bed. I look around wildly. They aren’t the words my mother always says in this dream.

“Em, honey, are you okay?” Mom asks as she walks into the room toward me. I look up at her and then I remember. Jake. Kanye. I was rescued.

I curl my fingers into the comforter at my chest and lower my chin. A guttural sob rips from my chest as I realize this isn’t the ill-fated dream I’ve had for the last five years. This is real. My mother places her hands on my shoulder and I scream out a cry at having another piece of reality prove to me that I am safe.

“Emily.” My mother whispers my name in a tortured voice.

I hear my dad before I see him, his heavy footsteps enter my room.

“Kenny, I don’t know what’s wrong. She’s shaking badly,” my mom says in a panicked voice. I’m shaking?

My dad picks me up and puts me in his arms. I heave in and out trying to calm myself, failing miserably as the feel of my father’s arms sends me spiraling into another sob. They’re comforting, loving arms. I’ve dreamt of these moments for so long yet they never came. Nobody saved me in the moments that took the most from my heart and soul. I want to scream at them and ask where they were. I want to demand they explain why they didn’t find me in time to save Emily. She needed them. She needed someone. And now she’s gone. They looked. They tried. They did eventually find you. Not soon enough.

Please, God, don’t take this away from me again. Don’t let them see me for who I have become.

While trying to calm my breathing, I hear the doorbell and my mother races from the room to answer. A moment later, thundering footsteps are running through my parents’ house. I look up and watch Kanye race into my room. His eyes find mine immediately. My heart squeezes tightly when I see the agony cross his features. Why won’t he stay away? I’m only going to keep hurting him.

My body relaxes and I calm as my father gently whispers, “Breathe, Em, Breathe,” in my ear.

I hiccup once and whisper to my father, “I’m sorry, Dad. I thought I was dreaming. When I realized it wasn’t a dream...”

I’m not able to finish. My father’s chest expands and a broken sob erupts from his mouth. He squeezes me painfully tight and then places me on the bed, leaving the room without another word or look in my direction.

My mother comes to me, sweeps my dark brown hair behind my ear, and kisses my temple.

“This will get better, Em. I promise.”

She leaves the room and I know she’s going to find my father. They need each other right now. More hurt to the ones I love and it’s all my fault.

After I watch my mom leave, I find Kanye standing at the window. Bent forward with his shoulders slumped, he’s holding himself up by his clenched fists. Head down, he looks defeated.

God, I love him. He’s here again, the next day, early in the morning. Touch him. With these filthy hands? No.

He sighs and then turns his body toward me. “You need to come home. We both need to be at home. I want to take care of you. I want to be the one who holds you when you need it.”

My breath quickens and my heart double beats at the thought of waking up in Kanye’s arms. Heaven. Until he sees what you have become. Used. Worthless.

“Kanye,” I say and shake my head.

“I don’t want to push you, Emmy. But fuck, I need you.” My heart breaks at his words. “Going to bed last night, knowing you are in the same fucking town as me. Not being able to see you, have you at home with me, in bed with me. It killed me, Emily. How am I supposed to survive that every night?”

My chest collapses in. How much more can I take?

My pulse speeds up as anger bubbles inside me. Rage at Marco and the men who did this to me. They turned me into this person. Someone who can’t have what she wants.

I move out of the bed and run my hands roughly through my hair.

“Why are you doing this to me?” My chin trembles and I inhale deeply and continue. “It’s been five years since you’ve seen me. I’ve been touched a million times in that time. Is that what you want? A whore for a girlfriend, because that’s what I am, Kanye. A whore!” I end with a shout.

Kanye’s eyes widen and his head jerks back as if he was just struck.

“What. The. Fuck,” he angrily whispers. “Why the hell would you call yourself that, Emily?”

Is he blind? No. He just sees the old Emily. “Wake up, Kanye. The Emily you knew is gone. I’m used, worthless, pathetic, defiled. You will see in time how tainted and revolting I truly am now.”

I ramble off every name I’ve ever been called. Do I believe I am these things? I don’t know. But what if they are right? What if I am those things? Those names are always there, in my head, banging on an invisible door. Never ending knocking and reminding me it’s possible.

I flinch as Kanye roars, “Stop!” He punches a hole straight through my faded lilac-colored bedroom wall.

My parents race into the room.

“What the hell is going on?” My dad shouts at both Kanye and I.

My head shoots to Kanye and with my eyes, I beg him not to tell my parents my true feelings about myself. I know he understands when he shakes his head, removes his hand from inside the wall, and says, “I need to go.” He sighs heavily and looks to the hole and then to my parents. “I’m sorry. I’ll come round later on and fix it up, Ken.”

My dad gives Kanye a sharp nod.

Kanye shakes his wrist and begins rubbing his knuckles. “I moved my stuff to Dom’s. The house is free for you to move into now.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a black square device. He throws it on the bed, points to it and says, “Keep this on you. When I call, pick up. I mean it, Emmy. Pick. It. Up. I went five years without hearing your voice. I won’t do another day. Do you understand?” His eyes pierce mine. His face shows determination, but his eyes display just how devastated he is at my words.

I press my lips together and nod in agreement. Kanye leaves the room, and a few seconds later, we all hear the front door slam closed.

“Emmy, what was that about?” Mom asks.

“Kanye wants us to be together again. I said no. He didn’t take it well. It’s done. We are done. I’m going to change and then can you please drive me home? I want to settle in and start moving on with my life.” My voice is devoid of any emotion. Setting my feelings to numb right now is the only way I will stop myself from running after Kanye and begging him to love me anyway. Promise never to leave me when he sees how vile I really am.

“Oh, okay, sweetie, have some breakfast first and then I will drive you over.” With that, my parents leave the room and I wipe the memory of their concerned looks from my mind.

Day two and I’m failing already. I have to do better.