CHAPTER NINETEEN

It’s been a three weeks since I gave into Kanye. The first week was full of passionate sex and heated arguments. At times, I shut him out. I didn’t mean to. It’s just wired into me to deal with my own problems and process the nightmares on my own, and Kanye can easily see when some moments are a struggle for me.

Three days into our new relationship, the urge to cut was great. I found myself in the bathroom begging myself not to pick up the razor. I noticed Kanye come into my vision on the left and I tried to relax my body, looking around the bathroom pretending to search for something.

“Emmy, what’s going on?” It’s easy to hear his anxiety.

I cross my arms, rub my biceps and say, “Nothing, I’m just going to have a shower.”

I extend my arm out and swing the bathroom door closed but I hear a thump and then the door opens back up. Kanye stands there in the doorway, narrowing his eyes at me.

“Bullshit, Emmy, tell me what the fuck is going on? You looked like you were about to rip the fucking basin from its stand.” His voice goes from anxiety to concern quickly.

“I just need a minute,” I say softly.

“Fuck that. You promised you would try, Emmy. Tell me what’s going on up in that beautiful head of yours.”

I move back two steps and sit on the toilet lid.

“I’m just having a bad day, that’s all,” I say.

“I can see that, Emmy,” Kanye states gently. “But you have to tell me when you have these moments, baby. I need to be here to help you. If not for you, then do it for me, Emily. It kills me to think of you going through this on your own.” Kanye’s voice is thick with emotion and the sound tears at my heart.

I nod slowly. Anxious at speaking the words that have been locked up in my mind for so long. Every night in the dark, Kanye has asked me to tell him something about the last five years. I’ve kept it to mostly how I felt during those times and not what was actually done to me. But the nightmare from last night and the memories swirling in my mind right now are far from what I want Kanye to know about me. Something I never want him ever to have to visualize.

“Tell me, baby. Tell me so you can get it out.”

I look up to Kanye. My vision blurs from my glassy eyes, but I hold strong and don’t let any fall.

“I love you,” I say with trembling lips.

Kanye cups my cheeks with his warms hands and says, “I know you do, Emmy, and I love you more than anything in this world.”

I take a big breath in and my lip quivers. “Then you need to understand I can’t share it all with you. I don’t want you knowing it all, Kanye. I don’t want these memories or thoughts in your head.” I tap his temple. “I want to share with you how I felt, how I dealt with it. But I need you to trust me when I say telling you what was done to me, won’t help me move on. It will only hurt us both.” I look into his eyes and observe as he processes my words.

“I understand, Emmy. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I just want to help you, and if that is the best way to help you, then consider it done. I’ll listen to you and not push for more.”

I let out a huge breath.

“Thank you,” I softly say before kissing him. We end the kiss and I see the question in his eyes; am I okay? Has the moment passed?

“I had a nightmare last night. They aren’t nightmares which have me waking up in a fright. I just wake up in the morning and those memories associated with the bad dream are the first thing I think of and they stick with me throughout the day.”

Unwelcome tears fall down my cheeks as I explain to Kanye the feelings these memories evoke in me.

“The thought of being left to the dark all on my own... the belief of being deserted... the knowledge that no one is listening... desperation to give up... it’s all so familiar and I know how easy it is to go numb. It’s much more bearable than feeling the pain.”

I dash my tears away roughly. “I lie to myself too easily. Telling myself I was coming to our room to stop myself from cutting. Yet I ended up in the one place I knew where the razors were. I’m desperate to clear my mind of these memories and cutting does that for me. But remembering the hurt on your face when you saw how far I had gone, that stops me every time. Still, I want to learn to stop for myself, not for someone else.”

“Emily, you saying this shows how far you have come. I want you to do this for you, too. Not for me, for the strong Emily I know is right here.” He places his flat palm over my heart.

My lips tremble as tears continue to fall. “I’m trying so damn hard. I promise, I am.”

“Oh, baby, I know it. I watch my strong Emmy re-emerge a little more every day.”

I peer up at Kanye in shock. Can he? Sometimes I catch myself doing or saying something the old Emmy would have done, but I’m scared to believe it’s happening; that I’m actually healing. But he can see her? Hope surges through me like wildfire.

The end of week one, was also when I smiled for the first time in five years. That’s right. I did it. I smiled. And while I remember the moment, tears pool in my eyes because I didn’t just smile; I did a hell of a lot more.

I’m upstairs sorting through my pictures I took last night. Kanye took me out to dinner, our first date in five years. Afterwards, we went for a walk through town. I grabbed my camera from the car and spotted many couples holding hands, smiling, laughing and kissing. I snapped any pictures. Kanye didn’t mind. He actually helped me spot the exact moment on someone’s face he knew I was looking for. That sincere expression when you know the person is thinking how lucky they are, how perfect their life is for that one precious moment.

So I’m in my bedroom sorting my pictures because Kanye asked me to stay upstairs for the morning. He said he had a surprise for me. I have no idea what it could be and I’m desperate to look out our bedroom window because I can hear him moving around the outside of the house. However, I stop myself, continue sorting pictures and decide which ones I will print to have downstairs.

“Emmy! You can come down now!”

Straight away I jump from the bed and race down the stairs. My heart’s pounding in rhythm with my excitement. I reach the bottom of the stairs and watch Kanye say goodbye to Jake, Dom & Nick through the open front door. I didn’t even realize they were here.

Kanye jogs from the front into the house, a huge grin on his face. I see the sweat of hard work on his white t-shirt and what looks like dirt on his black board shorts.

“What were they doing here?”

“You’ll see,” he says with a wink.

My confusion must show on my face because Kanye laughs out loud and says, “Come on, Emmy. Time to take you out of the dark.”

His gaze on me intensifies and I sense his words mean more than just to let me in on the secret.

Kanye reaches out for me and I see and feel the specks of dirt on his hand as I take his fingers and entwine them with mine. What the heck? He’s covered in dirt?

He walks me through the dining room, past all my pictures through the kitchen and straight to the back door.

Before opening the door, he turns to me and says, “Close your eyes, Emmy.”

I furrow my brow and try to look around him, but he moves to the side and blocks my view.

“Nuh uh, close those beautiful brown eyes, baby, now.” His voice is sweet but firm.

I bite my bottom lip, cross my arms over my chest and close my eyes tightly.

Kanye’s hands grasp my shoulders and then I sense his face move to me. He’s so close I can smell his aftershave. Then his warm lips are kissing my neck, up to my ear.

“Emmy, you cross your arms and push those beautiful tits up, and how am I supposed concentrate on leading you anywhere.”

Kanye’s kisses move down and across my jaw and I melt into his body with a sigh.

I love his hands and mouth on me, so tender and loving. Heat spreads between my legs just as Kanye pulls away and I let out a whimper in protest.

Kanye chuckles. “Later, baby, I promise. Now keep your eyes closed,” he whispers against my cheek before kissing each of my eyelids softly.

Kanye gently pulls me through the backdoor. I visualize my backyard.

A large white fence that goes around our half-an-acre of beautiful, green grass. Our garden shed in the left back corner of the yard, and I can imagine each and everyone one of our five tall trees that give great shade in the afternoons.

A cool breeze hits my legs and arms. Wearing only denim shorts and a black tank top, goose bumps form from the gust of wind.

My feet leave the cemented pergola area to the cool grass. I love the feeling of soft just-cut grass between my toes.

My lips tip up and for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel it and release a small smile. It doesn’t disappear as soon as I notice it because I’m distracted by hearing birds.

I tip my head up as if to see them, but I just want to hear them once more. While doing that my ponytail blows in the wind, the breeze caressing my neck.

We walk into what I sense is the middle of the yard. I scrunch my face together when I think I can hear water.

“Kanye, did you buy me a pool?” I ask sarcastically.

“Not quite, Emmy. You can open your eyes now.”

I do, slowly at first, but when all the pink and red colors hit my eyes, they fly open immediately.

I gasp. My hand covers my mouth in surprise and tears cascade down my face. I take a step back and just stare. I gaze at the most beautiful rose garden I have ever seen. A rose garden in my back yard.

Four circles are filled with pink and red roses, and in between those four circles are four white pebbled trails which meet up in the middle to a gorgeous water fountain with birds surrounding it. It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I move my hand away from my mouth and step to the roses closest to me. I touch a rose and feel the silkiness of the beautiful petals, just like my rose.

“Emmy, I wanted to give you something that was as beautiful as you are and something which would always remind you of us.”

I tear my eyes from the roses to Kanye with what I imagine is shock and awe on my face.

Tears continue to fall as I speak, “In this moment, right now, I can think about that horrible time and all I can imagine is what I had to look forward to. This,” I extend my arms out, “and you.” I point to Kanye. “Every time you make love to me, every time you listen to me, every time you do something like this...” I trail off on a whisper, unable to continue through my clogged throat.

I clear my throat and speak more clearly this time. “I realize I was never alone. I know now why I chose to survive and not give up. Because you were always with me and I was never abandoned.”

A cry escapes from my mouth as I say, “I don’t know what to say, how to thank you for never giving up on me. You keep giving me hope and beauty in my dark world. You’re lighting it up. What used to be a small light in a corner is now so bright, it fends off the monsters all on its own.”

Kanye gives me a grand mile and it shows off his glassy eyes. “Love means never being alone, Emmy. If there is one thing in this world that is true and everlasting, it’s my love for you, and that means you were, and will never be alone.” Kanye reaches out to me and pulls me to him in an earth-shattering, passion-filled kiss. We detach breathing heavily and staring into each other’s eyes.

Kanye grins and says, “Wanna fuck in the rose garden?”

And that’s when it happened. The moment my whole life changed.

A loud laugh breaks from my mouth and releases into the world.

Kanye’s eyes widen and his smile grows impossibly big as he laughs with me, but his is one of disbelief.

“Emmy!” he shouts, surprised by my laugh and smile.

I remain smiling, watching him as he stares at the outline of my mouth as if studying the curves and memorizing my smile.

I pounce on him and grab the collar of his shirt, wrapping my legs around his waist, I kiss him hard and long.

Kanye bends at the knees and we fall to the soft green grass right next to my beautiful roses and we make love, smiling and laughing almost the whole way through.

Week two was bliss. I smiled and laughed every day. It was like opening a box you could never close again. I never wanted to close the box, but I thought my smiles would come back low, far and few between. However, once I realized I could give Kanye so much more than I thought I was capable of, everything made me happy, made me smile.

Color fills my world once again. I have a dark side, but the light in my mind is conquering the dark. Now the monsters fear my once small bright light. The dark still tries to invade, but Kanye does or says something, touches, kisses, holds or makes love to me, and the dark doesn’t stand a chance. Kanye is my bright light. He was always there in my mind; that small light, always fighting for me, even when I didn’t realize it.

I roll my head to the side and take in a smiling Kanye staring at me while he breathes heavily. Yep, it’s been a rocky three weeks, but it’s also been the best three weeks of my life.

***

Kanye

Breathing heavily, Emily is sweaty and stunning. She grins at me and it’s like an electric shock to my heart. I will never tire of her beautiful smile. I will never take her gorgeous, curved-up lips for granted. Sometimes I need to pinch myself to remember this is real; my Emmy is here. She’s smiling and she’s happy.

She’s still staring at me as I reach over and pull her up by under her arms. I sit her on my waist, her ass cheeks resting on my softening cock. Emmy shakes her hips on my cock and smiles a devious grin at me.

I groan, growing hard again. I’m exhausted from our morning activities already.

“Baby, give a man five minutes in between fucking. That one was... Jesus Christ, that time was amazing, but I need food for energy before I can go again.”

Emily laughs in response.

I reach to the side table and pick up my phone. I find the camera icon on the home screen, press video, and start filming the most beautiful woman in the world. My Emmy.

“Do that again,” I ask Emmy.

She looks at me in confusion, and then gasps, saying excitedly, “You want to film me while I ride you?”

It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve filmed ourselves during sex. Emmy and I went through a phase of that in our early twenties.

I laugh loudly at her guess and say, “No, baby, smiling, laughing, don’t stop.”

I have this sudden urge to record her smile and laugh. I went without it for five years. Now I don’t even want to go a day. I need to film her so I can watch it whenever I want to. Need to, to remind myself this isn’t a dream.

She continues to smile, but she seems to do it out of confusion and thinking I may have lost my mind.

All of sudden, Emmy stops smiling and licks her lips seductively.

My eyes shoot from the phone to her lips. She begins to move down my body and past my waist. She lays soft kisses all over my dick. Emmy places my now painfully hard cock in her mouth and I can’t hold back the groan.

“Christ.” My voice comes out strangled.

I drop the phone to the bed, clasp Emmy’s hair, and lay my head back, groaning in pleasure.

After long moments of Emmy torturing me with her hot, wet mouth, I reach down, lift her up, and place her over my thighs. She balances on her knees as I place the head of my cock at her entrance.

I rub the head of my cock back and forth through her dripping pussy. Fuck. Before I let her sink down around me, I lock my eyes to hers and cup one side of her face.

“I love you, Emmy.”

With our gazes still locked, we both slam together at the same time. We shout out in ecstasy as our bodies join in an explosive way.

We grab hold of each other’s hands, entwining our fingers together. Emmy pushes hard against my arms as she rises and slams back down onto me. It’s brutal, hot, and fucking amazing.

The room is filled with Emmy’s whimpers and my grunts. Fuck, there is nothing in this world like my cock encased in Emmy’s warm, slick pussy. Heaven.

Her bouncing tits have me tearing my eyes away from her face. I push back on her arms, sit up halfway and take one of her nipples into my mouth. Delicious, soft, smooth, and fucking exquisite.

I moan against her breast as Emmy continues to ride me with her tight vise of a pussy. Fuck, I love being inside her. I never want this to end.

Emmy moans loudly and her walls blissfully contract and squeeze around my cock. Her movement becomes frenzied. She releases my hands and grasps my shoulders.

I take over, driving up into her hard, my cock begging for more of her. I want to go deeper, move closer. I want to crawl up inside her.

Her whimpers turn into screams of ecstasy. Her breathy, “Please, don’t stop,” has my balls growing tight and I know I’m close. Then it happens; I’m coming with her. My whole body vibrates and shakes as I explode deep within my girl, coating her insides with my cum.

Mine.

I fall back to the bed and Emmy lands on my sweaty chest. The only sounds in the room are our powerful breaths. I move her hair away and kiss her temple.

“Fuck, baby, you are going to kill me, you know that,” I say with a chuckle.

Emmy laughs into my chest and the vibration of her giggle travels straight to my heart. It double beats with pride. Emily owns me body and soul. God, I love her so fucking much.

Emmy’s tummy growls so I decide it’s time to feed my girl. I slap her ass and whisper into her hair, “Off, baby, I’m going to shower, then make us something to eat.”

Emily turns her head and stares up at me while leaning on my chest. Her face is flushed pink and her eyes sparkle with mischief.

“I already ate. I’m full,” she says with a wink.

A laugh erupts from my mouth as Emmy hops off me. She lies on the bed beside me. I give her a hard closed-mouth kiss and then I jump off the bed and head straight into the shower.

I make it to the door and turn back to Emmy. She’s facing the other way. My eyes roam over her naked back and her firm ass. My dick actually fucking stirs a little at that. I look down at it and think, holy fucking shit, again, really?

I turn around and walk into the shower laughing. Fuck yes! This is how every day is going to start for us from now on.