CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I woke up in bed this morning still feeling full from the marinated steaks last night. They were as delicious as I remember them. Kanye and I ate in comfortable silence, and then we both silently cleaned up together. Kanye did the dishes and I dried. It was eerie, just what we used to do, only no touching, kissing and laughing. I could almost hear the echoes of our laughter through the silence. Kanye glanced my way many times, his intense stares on my skin, begging me to turn to him and what, smile, be the old Emily? I went to bed right after the last plate was dry. Kanye had finished washing and stood against the bench watching me. I had to get out of there. The old familiar sensation of heat was building between my legs, my body vibrating with need for him.

Now, I’m sitting in Kanye’s truck wearing denim shorts and a white blouse, my camera around my neck and Kanye and I are on our way to Jake and Lily’s house. Jake called early this morning and asked us to come. He wouldn’t tell us why, just said to get our butts over to his place by ten am.

When we arrive, I see my parents’ car there along with Nick and Dom’s cars.

“When did Dom arrive back?” I ask Kanye.

“Two days ago. His mission was unsuccessful and he won’t tell anyone why.”

“What does unsuccessful mean?”

“Either they found out he was uncover or he quit the mission. I’m not sure which one it is yet, but ever since he’s been back, he’s been an asshole. So I’m thinking he was found out. Which is dangerous if they find out who he really is.”

I rub my arms as goose bumps rise on my skin. I’ve known Dom since I was a little girl. I’ve known all the boys that long. Jake, Kanye, Dom and Nick have been inseparable their whole lives. Dom is the more dangerous one out of them all. He lives for dangerous situations, always has, from racing streetcars to battling in underground fights. But he always came out on top; it’s just who he is. He’s one of those lucky guys. No matter what he does, he comes out on top. I guess, you can’t be lucky forever.

We knock, but there’s no answer so Kanye tries the door handle and finds it unlocked. We walk in and the house is silent, so we head for the back door. We step outside to the back porch and find everyone out there, everyone but Lily. Jake sees us and practically runs over. He picks me up and hugs me tightly.

“There’s my little sister.”

I press my face into his shoulder and inhale. He smells like my brother, like home. I hug him tightly, wishing I never had to let go. My brother is so happy. I’ve never seen him this cheerful in all my life. I’ve seen him with plenty of girls before, but not like this, not content and at peace with himself and the world.

He places me down and kisses my cheek. “How’s my sis?” he asks softly.

“I’m good,” I say back.

Jake pulls back and looks down at me. “Still a way to go, Em, but I believe you will get there.”

My heart stops almost instantly. How can everyone keep seeing through me? I’m trying my hardest to fool them and yet it’s never enough. I just nod slowly and try to change the subject, which is easy when I mention the one person Jake can’t help but lose himself in.

“Where’s Lily?”

Jake’s smile widens to impossible lengths and answers, “I asked her to go to the Mall to pick us up some lunch.”

“Okay, what’s with the huge smile, big brother? You’re starting to freak me out.”

“You’ll see, little sis. Just don’t go anywhere, okay?” he says sternly, still smiling like a fool.

“Okay, jeez, not like I have any other place to be,” I say sarcastically.

I look up and see everyone staring at me. Kanye and my father are grinning. Jake and my mother’s eyes are wide and Nick and Dom both have their mouths hanging wide open in shock. Then I realized too late. I had a small smile on my face. I lost the smile and missed catching it. Everyone comes over and gives me a hug, telling me how well I’m doing.

“Even more reason to celebrate,” I hear my brother say.

The pressure to get better and be fixed weighs heavily on my soul. These are only small changes and I can’t promise I will ever be any better than what I am right now.

Half an hour later, my mother comes running out of Jake’s house like a lunatic, screaming, “She’s here! She’s here!”

“Jesus, Mom, keep it down. She’s going to think something bad is happening hearing you scream like that,” Jake admonishes her.

I quirk an eyebrow at them, feeling left out of the loop.

I peer up to Kanye, who’s standing beside me smiling. So it appears he knows or he’s just finding my mother and brother hilarious, which isn’t hard to do when it’s my mother. She’s unique to put it mildly. She’s excited easily and finds friends everywhere. Shops, restaurants, and movies, anywhere really, my mother will find someone to talk with for hours. Many shopping trips I’ve sat my butt down on a seat while my mom talked the ear off a sales assistant.

I look around and find my dad, Dom and Nick all with big grins as well. I stomp my foot. Yes, stomped my foot.

“Why I am the only one who doesn’t know what’s happening?”

Kanye answers me, “Baby, he didn’t tell any of us, but we’ve guessed. Think about it, Emmy, all the family is here. He’s surprising Lily. What do you think he’s going to do? Dump her?”

My eyes go wide and I look around to Jake as Lily walks out the back door. My brother gets down on one knee and extends his arms up with a ring box in his hands. I grab hold of Kanye’s hand tightly to hold me up. He’s proposing. My brother is asking Lily to marry him.

I release Kanye’s arm and quickly grasp my camera from around my neck and start taking pictures.

Lily and Jake’s smiles light up the backyard.

“Lily Morgan, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. Your strength has built the roads we are travelling on and they are smooth because you never give up.”

“Your brother is closing the hole more and more every day with his love and support.”

“I want to wake up and go to sleep next to you for the rest of my life. I want to keep showing you the best of me.” Tears fall from Lily’s eyes and she covers her mouth with her hand. But you can tell she’s smiling from the creases beside her wet eyes. “Your strong spirit and sassy attitude have me addicted to you, Lil. It would be an honor and a blessing to be able to create a life and a family with you. You breathe life into me, baby. So, Lily Morgan, will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?”

Lily releases her hand from her mouth and screams, “Yes!” Taking the ring, she jumps straight into Jake’s arms and they kiss.

Click, smile, click, laugh, click, kiss, click, smile, click, they are so happy.

I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder and glance up to see it’s Kanye. I look around and find everyone watching me. I must have gone a bit crazy with the pictures. Jake and Lily are still too lost in each other to notice.

My dad walks up to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. He’s warm and comforting. I lay my head on his shoulder and he kisses my hair.

My mom rushes to Lily and Jake to congratulate them. Same with Nick, Dom and Kanye. All with back pats for Jake and hugs for Lily.

Dad kisses my hair, long and hard, then releases me and goes to Lily, giving her a tight hug. Her face crumbles a little and then my mom joins in and I watch as tears fall from Lily’s eyes. Yeah, my parents have the best hugs. I know how much Lily appreciates them; anyone would after losing their own parents.

My mom and dad release her and tell her how happy they are that she will be joining our family. Lily’s eyes sparkle with excitement, yet she has a small smile and she’s rubbing her hands together roughly.

Jake wraps his arms around her, causing Lily to release her clutched hands. Her shoulders relax. The anxiety disappears and a content look washes over her.

Hmm, so love, it's love that gives you that feeling; the sensation that everything is going to be okay. I know this. I look over at Kanye talking to Dom. I know that feeling. I remember it.

For a split second, I think maybe I can’t feel it because I don’t love Kanye anymore, but I know it’s not about Kanye feeling my love; it’s about me accepting his. I haven’t felt love in five years. Have I forgotten how to appreciate it, how to receive it?

I turn away from them all and furrow my forehead as I rack my brain for those moments.

Kanye hugging me my first day of college. I was so nervous. One hug and I knew everything would be okay, because no matter what, I had him.

Before my final exams. A long hard hug from Kanye and I knew I was going to do my best and that’s all I could do.

My first day of teaching. One hug from Kanye and I knew everything would turn out just fine.

Kanye walks into my line of sight. His eyes are narrowed at me, as if he knows what I’m thinking.

“Emmy.”

I scan the yard for an escape, while shaking my head furiously. I’m on the edge of falling apart in front of everyone I care about.

“Emmy, don’t shut it out. Those emotions you're feeling, you need to experience them, to open your wounds and let them bleed so you can move on. You keep closing those emotions off, but you need to acknowledge them so you can move forward.”

“Please,” I beg. “Not here. I don’t want my family seeing how messed up I still am.”

“Oh, baby, when will you realize they can see it written all over you when you’re pretending to be someone you aren’t.”

I look up to Kanye furious. “I’m not pretending to be anyone,” I seethe. “This is me, Kanye. That’s what you don’t get.”

I turn away from him, calm myself, and walk to Lily and Jake, who are still talking to my parents.

“Congratulations you two,” I say and hug them both. “Look after my brother,” I whisper into Lily’s ear.

“Always,” she whispers back to me.

I say my goodbyes to everyone. My parents give me tight hugs and both whisper to me how happy they are that I’m doing so well. The cuts on my thighs choose that moment to throb, mocking me. I hug them back and then walk quickly through the house. I come to the front yard and see Kanye’s truck. I came with him. Footsteps come from behind me. I turn to see Dom.

“Leaving so soon, hey?” he says with a raised eyebrow and a grin on his lips.

“I was until I remembered Kanye drove me here. Care to help a girl out and give me a ride home?”

Dom huffs out a laugh. “And have the wrath of Kanye for taking you home, no way.”

I sigh. Great. I’ll just walk then. It’s not far from to house. I peer down the road and then a sliver of fear creeps up my spine as I see the isolated street with no people around. I think I might wait for Kanye.

“Emmy, I can’t begin to understand what you went through, but I want you to know, if you need to talk to someone, I’m always here.”

I nod. “Thanks, Dom, appreciate that, but I’m okay. Doing well,” I say with as much strength as I can.

Dom’s face goes soft and he gives me a smile. “You always did suck at lying, Em, but damn, you have actually gotten worse at it. Just do me one favor, hey?”

I narrow my eyes at him when yet again another person in my life can read me like a book; open me up and see all the gory and gruesome details.

I press my lips tightly together and nod.

“When you finally feel that smile before it happens.” He points to the corner of my mouth where I felt the smile earlier. “Grab hold of it and don’t let go. Remember why you smiled, store it, and repeat it again and again until smiling becomes effortless.”

I nod slowly. My eyes sting but I refuse to let any tears fall. Why can’t they be blind to my pain? Why can’t they not care?

Because you are loved. Grab hold of it and don’t let go.