CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

It’s been a month since Kanye caught me cutting myself. I haven’t cut since. I’ve felt the need. My body raged at me the first few times I craved to clear my mind of my thoughts and memories. It was an easy way to achieve some peace. But the feeling of letting Kanye down weighs heavier on my heart than the painful memories in my mind.

Kanye and I have been taking each day slowly. We’ve formed a sort of new friendship. One where Kanye constantly pushes my boundaries with words and touching, and one where I gently step away or ignore him. The man is a mountain of steel when he wants something; there is no budging him.

My resolve is a thin sheet of glass with cracks all the way through it. I’m just waiting for that one moment where it all shatters and I’m lost to it.

I’m sitting at a bar, dressed in a one-shouldered black short dress with ruched sides and single flutter sleeves. Best of all, I’m drinking vodka and lemonade. Damn, I’d forgotten how good alcohol tasted. And the wonderful warm, tingly feeling it gives as it runs through your body and lightens your mood.

It’s Jake and Lily’s engagement party. They arrived from Australia four days ago and Mom surprised them with a party to celebrate their engagement. I turn in my chair and look at all the people standing around in the beautifully decorated gold and black function room. Women in stunning dresses and men in trousers and buttoned-up shirts.

My eyes drift over the dance floor, they fall on Lily and Jake swaying, holding each other, and staring into each other’s eyes. I’m so happy for my brother. He really did find his one true soul mate.

A man catches my attention when he sits next to me at the bar and smiles brightly at me. With his dark hair and expensive looking suit, the similarities of him and Donovan have me moving away from him instantly. His expression turns to confusion as I retreat backwards and slam into a hard body, a body I know all too well.

One of Kanye’s arms wrap around my waist while the other extends to the bar between the man and me.

I peer up at Kanye but he isn’t looking at me. No, he’s staring down the man at the bar.

“You need to back the fuck off, now,” Kanye growls.

The man stands and mutters angrily as he moves away from the bar.

I sigh. “Kanye, what the heck was that?” I question him not nearly as angry as I should be. No, I’m thankful. Thankful Kanye will get rid of any man who comes near me.

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to, Emmy. You're mine, every fucker in this room will know that when they come near you.”

Jesus, at this point, I’m so confused where Kanye and I stand. I’m trying to save him yet he’s desperate to drown with me. I’m not strong enough to actually leave him like I should. Move out of our home. Our home. I’m so weak, yet this man loves me at my weakest.

I move out of Kanye’s arms and my body screams at me in protest.

I step up to the bar and down the rest of my drink. I signal the lady behind the bar and ask for another. I think it’s my third or fourth?

“Take it easy, Emmy. When was the last time you had a drink? Have you even had a drink in the past five years?”

My eyes go wide and they dart to Kanye. My palms sweat and my heart flutters with anxiety. A question, the first question he’s asked me about the past five years. This is it. The first small step before he wants to know everything, all the gory details and then he’s going to know what they did to me, what I was too weak to stop.

Kanye must notice me panic because he rounds my body and looks straight into my frightened eyes.

“What happened just then? What did I do?”

The woman places my drink in front of me and I pick it up quickly, I stare down at the ice floating in the drink and try to calm my racing heart. I glimpse up to Kanye’s face trying hard to hide the fear I have inside myself.

“Jesus, what is it Emmy?” It appears I failed.

“It’s nothing. And no I haven’t had alcohol since—” I stop mid-sentence, trying to remember when my last drink was, but I can’t remember. “I can’t remember when,” I end softly.

“Baby, it’s okay. You deserve to have some drinks and enjoy yourself. Just take it easy, okay. You don’t want to be sleeping next to the toilet bowl tonight.”

I nod, step away from him, and move among the people in the room to find my parents. I need space away from Kanye.

I find my parents and stand by my dad. In all this, he is the one person I know won’t ask me the questions I never want to answer. My dad is a tower of strength, but I guess since everyone can see straight through me, I get that from him because I can see straight through him too. Every time he looks at me, I see his world turn dark. If I could change that I would. If I could tell him honestly that I’m okay, then I would, but I can’t. I’m trying my hardest, but it’s just not enough to save the ones I love around me and stop them from hurting.

I stand next to my parents for most of the night. A few hours later, I spot Kanye talking and laughing with a woman. My hand instantly reaches up and holds my rose necklace. I rub my thumb over the glass orb and my heart calms. Kanye must sense my stare because he looks up at me, then his eyes fall to my hand holding my rose petals. The woman continues to talk to him while he stares at me. She places her hand on his arm to grab his attention back and it works. He turns back to the woman and their laughs and chatter echo around me.

Suddenly, I feel warm. I place the back of my hand to my head and feel sweat there. I walk back over to the bar and order a tequila shot. I stopped drinking earlier and feel fine, but if I have to keep hearing the annoying, scratchy female laugh, then I’m going to need more alcohol.

I down the shot, and then notice a familiar arm stretch out beside me and lean on the bar. Kanye’s warm, minty breath floats across my cheek as he says, “We need to talk, now. Privately.”

Kanye pulls me by my elbow and we walk through the crowd and out of the function room. We’re in a hallway and I think he’s going to stop just here, but he continues down the hall and a set of stairs toward the front glass doors.

At the bottom of the stairs, Kanye turns us left and directs us into a room. It’s dark, but the lights from the golf course shine into the room, illuminating it enough to be able to see clearly.

I hear the door close and turn to see Kanye watching me. His jaw is clenched and his posture is stiff.

“Fuck, you're good, you know that? Christ, some days I’m scared shitless that your words are true, that you really do want me to move on. But seeing that,” he points to the room above us, “seeing you jealous, fuck, that feels good,” he says with a frustrated laugh.

I stare at him with a blank expression. I’m exhausted. Lying, pretending, it’s all so tiring.

“I saw you rubbing your necklace when you saw me talking to the woman. For one fucking second just admit it, Emmy. You want me as much as I want you. Stop pretending to be this person you’re not, and for one moment, you might actually remember what it’s like to be yourself, and not this woman who thinks she knows what’s best for everyone else,” he ends on a yell.

“Kanye, me touching my necklace means nothing. It’s just a necklace. You can talk to whomever you want,” I lie.

My necklace is everything to me. It represents who I was when I had a future. It’s a time in my life when everything was perfect and it reminds me that at some point in my existence, Kanye and I had a future.

“Bullshit, Emily. I know you. Your necklace means a lot more to you than you’re willing to reveal. Christ, just admit it!” Kanye shouts, frustration lacing his tone, but it’s the desperation that breaks my heart.

Argh! I hate he knows me so well. I want to prove him wrong, just this once. I rip the necklace from my neck and hold it out to him.

“Take it then. It means nothing to me.” I’m shaking. I’m not actually going to give it to him, I could never part with my rose.

Kanye jerks back as if I’ve just slapped him. Then quick as a flash it’s ripped from my hand; Kanye swings his arm back and my rose is thundering through the air straight at the wall. I don’t even hear the clash that should come with glass smashing against a wall. I feel my knees hit the ground, but I just keep staring at the shattered glass and ripped petals on the floor.

Kanye rushes to the glass and starts picking up the shredded rose petals. “Fuck!” he bellows to the shattered glass. Look what my doubts and fears have done to him. He’s on his knees picking up nine-year-old rose petals.

“Stop,” I whisper. “You’re right.”

Kanye’s eyes dart to me and I watch as anguish crosses his features. He’s ready for the rejection and that makes my heart splinter in two, once again seeing the pain I have put him through.

“You want the truth? Here it is. Yes, Kanye, I want you. I want you more than the dirt desires the rain. I need you. You give me reason to breathe, to live, to grow into the person I hope I can still be. I hope every day you can find the Emmy I used to be. I’m tired of running and turning away from you. I don't want to say goodbye to the only man I will ever love. I don't think I can live without you.”

“You don’t have to, Emmy. You will never have to say goodbye to me. Ever.”

“But I do. All I do is hurt you. Don’t you see, you just left a party where you were laughing and having a good time with a normal woman. And where are you now Kanye? With me in a dark room, hurting. Begging a broken and unworthy woman to give you a chance.”

“Stop!” he roars.

I shut my mouth shaking my head. He asks for the truth, yet he won’t accept it.

Kanye stands up from the broken glass and shredded petals, and comes to me. He kneels in front of me, his expression soft, however his lips are tightly pressed together with his brows creasing from the determination in his eyes.. “Our life will be filled with smiles. We will be happy, Emmy. Even if it fucking kills me, we will be. These are our dark days, baby, but they won’t last forever.” His tone is full of desperation and pleading.

“This darkness lives within me. It’s not going away, Kanye. If I let us happen, I’m committing you to the same horrible fate. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t want to scratch my skin raw to eradicate the feeling of those bastards on me. Do you want to see that for the rest of your life: the woman you love, struggling to breathe every day? Knowing you can’t help her.”

“I want whatever life you can give me, Emmy. You haven’t even let me try to help you. How do you know that’s not exactly what you need? I will save you every time you want to die. I will pick you up every time I see a frown on your beautiful face. I will tell you how amazing you are, every day for the rest of my life, until my dying day. There is no beginning and no end without you. I believe the dark will pass.”

I say the words I know will stop him from living in a fantasy world. “I won’t have children, Kanye.”

“I will sacrifice that for you,” Kanye speaks without missing a beat. His words are strained and his eyes go glassy.

A loud cry bursts from my mouth and it echoes all around the empty room. It bounces off the intense waves surrounding us as we fight for each other—me to let Kanye go, and Kanye to hold on to me.

“Can you see it now? That I will do whatever it takes to be with you.”

I nod. “I’m scared I’m dooming you to my nightmare,” I say through my sobs.

“I’m with you or I’m wasting my life away waiting for you. Just try, for me, Emmy, please.”

Sobs rip from my chest as my walls crumble and my well-constructed defense waves its white flag and I finally let Kanye in.