CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

It’s ten pm and Kanye still isn’t home yet. I received a text message from Lily two hours earlier telling me Kanye was still there with the guys, working on details for their travel to New York and finding Donovan.

I decide to text her and ask if they are still going. I’m anxious for him to come home. I need to make this right. I need him to know how sorry I am, how much he was the reason I never did leave to find Donovan on my own.

Hi Lil. Are they finished yet?

Five minutes go by before I get a reply.

Kanye, Dom and Nick left right after I text you earlier. I would have thought he would be home by now.

My heart grows heavy. Is he even coming home tonight? Is he staying with Dom and Nick? I can’t just wait around to find out so I dial Kanye’s number.

It rings four times before I hear Kanye’s deep voice over the line.

“Emmy, everything okay?”

As I’m listening to him talk, I can also hear music and what sounds like a lot of people in the background. Where the hell is he?

“Where are you?” I ask straight out.

“I’m at Dugarel's bar, having a beer with Dom and Nick.”

“So while I’ve been waiting for you to come home and wondering if you were coming home at all, you’ve been at a bar,” I end on a hiss.

I’m pissed. I’m beyond pissed. I’m not even sure if I should be, I just know I am.

“Emmy, I just need some space, that’s all. Time to think.”

That word space scares me to death. Worthless, used, pathetic. Those toxic words roll around in my mind but I push them away. No, that’s not what he thinks. They have nothing to do with who I am or this situation. I fight back the doubts and at the same time realize what he’s doing.

“Yeah, I understand. I hurt you and you’re trying to hurt me back.”

“Emmy,” Kanye whispers, his voice soft and sad as if he’s only just realized his actions have hurt me.

“Take all the space you need. Actually don’t bother coming home tonight. Why don’t you find some other woman who’s perfect in every way and forget all about me.”

I hang up the phone and stare at it. What did I just say? I close my eyes tightly. Damn it, I didn’t mean any of it. I’m so mad at him for leaving me hanging over this argument.

The image of a razor appears in my mind and I take quick steps to the bathroom. On my way in, I grasp hold of the sides of the entry with a death grip. “Don’t you dare do it, Emily,” I say out loud to myself. “You’ve come so far. Don’t ruin it. Be strong. If you do it now, every time after this will be harder and harder to stop yourself,” I mutter firmly to myself.

I move away from the bathroom and sit on the bed. My pulse thunders under my skin. My breathing comes out in ragged gasps. I don’t need to cut. I am strong. I can get through this moment.

This is just an argument. Couples have them all the time. This is normal; this is what I want. A normal life and a normal relationship where couples fight, because couples only fight as a result of caring so much about each other.

Ringing from my phone pulls me from my thoughts. I stand still and let the call ring out. I know it’s Kanye. I’m not sure what else he thinks we have to say to each other.

It’s rings again and this time I answer straight away. I want to hear Kanye’s voice. There’s no use even pretending.

I say nothing and wait for Kanye to speak. This time I hear no music, no people, just the sounds of the outside and cars.

“Emmy,” his voice is thick with emotion, but I’m not sure which one.

“I’m here,” I whisper.

“Why did you do that? Just throw me away to someone else so easily. Years ago my Emmy would have stormed down here and dragged my ass home if she thought I was getting hit on.”

“I didn’t mean those words, Kanye. I’m angry and hurt. I wanted you to come home so we could work this out, together.”

“And I want you to fight for us, Emily. I want you to want to be with me.”

“I do!” I shout into the phone.

“Yeah, ‘cause so far all I’ve seen is me fighting for us and you willing to leave me to get your revenge, and now you give me permission to go find some other pussy you know I don’t want.”

My eyes fill with tears. “I’m trying,” I plead into the phone. “I’m trying so fucking hard, Kanye.” I sink to my knees, sobbing into the phone.

“Fuck!” Kanye shouts over the phone. “Emmy, baby, I know you are. Jesus, I’m just so fucking pissed at you. When I saw those emails today, they killed me. You may as well have put a knife through my heart because reading you were going to leave me, killed me, Emily. It fucking destroyed me.”

“I fight for myself every second of every day. That means I fight for you, for us every second of the day. Please—” my words stall as my chest shudders through my tears. “Please understand, you mean everything to me.”

“Fuck, I fucked up. I fucked up, baby. I’m coming home now. I’m sorry, Emmy.” Kanye’s words come out strangled.

“I’ll see you soon,” I say softly.

Kanye curses into the phone right as the line goes dead.

I make my way downstairs and lie on the sofa to wait for Kanye. Only within a few seconds, sleep takes me.

***

I feel hands go under me and I’m being lifted. I open my sleepy eyes and see Kanye gazing down at me. His expression soft and his eyes apologetic.

He carries me upstairs in silence and I burrow into him, loving the sensation of his warmth. Home.

Instead of placing me on the bed, Kanye kicks off his shoes, sits on the bed and maneuvers his body backward, leaning against the headboard with me still in his arms. He adjusts his arms tighter around me and I find myself melting more into his body.

“Can you forgive me?” Kanye whispers into my hair.

“Can you forgive me?” I ask him back.

“Yes,” he breathes out. “Promise me you will never leave me. That you will never put your life in danger.”

“I promise,” I pledge firmly.

Kanye sighs and it feels like he released the weight of the world from his shoulders.

“I was worried you might cut,” Kanye says gently, his voice unsure.

I tilt my head back to meet his eyes. “I thought about it, but I stopped myself. I’m stronger now than I was before.”

“Emmy,” Kanye breathes out my name like a prayer, “I’m so proud of you.”

I smile up at the love of my life and he gifts me with a soft, beautiful smile of his own.

Finally everything is out in the open and we can move on.

“Things are looking up for the not-so-doomed Romeo and Juliet,” I joke.

Kanye’s soft smile turns into a blindingly bright one and he twists us on the bed until he’s hovering over me. He tickles me under my arms, I laugh out loud, and snort as well. Our laughter echoes around the room. He stops and we gaze into each other’s eyes, peace settles over me and a rightness in the world fills my soul. I’m staring at Kanye but in my mind I’m thanking God for sending me an angel of my own.