Chapter Twelve
Nothing could prepare you for picking up your soon-to-be ex-husband at the airport after not seeing him for months. I knew I should have let him take a taxi, or walk for that matter, but that wasn’t me. God, why couldn’t that be me? I was always nervous when I saw Parker after a long time away, but this was different. The anxiousness and dread in my stomach made me want to vomit. There was a part of me that would love Parker forever. We had been through so much together that I knew those feelings wouldn’t just wash away. A part of us would always be connected. Maybe we’d be friends. Maybe someday it wouldn’t hurt so much, but right now, the pain was poignant.
Parker came down the escalator, his assault pack on his back, accentuating his muscles. He always bulked up more during deployments, spending all his free time in the gym. His usually pale skin had a tan with a hint of redness. My eyes followed him all the way down, and I couldn’t help the smile that flitted across my face. I remembered one of our homecomings and how excited I was to see him.
I swore my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I never imagined loving someone could feel like this, that I could feel both anxious and excited at the same time. I’d waited a year to see my husband. When we eloped, no one supported us, no one believed in us, but we would make it. I knew we would.
People started cheering; the sounds of voices thanking soldiers for their service traveled through the airport. I pulled down my dress, cursing myself for choosing one that was a little more revealing. After a year apart, I wanted to look my best.
Parker rounded the corner, and despite everyone being dressed exactly the same, I could pick him out of a sea of soldiers. He was tall, his chiseled features distinct from everyone else’s. Then his eyes found mine and locked on me. The sparkle and desire I saw made my knees buckle, and before I could blink, he dropped his bag and we ran toward each other.
The embrace was even better than any Hollywood movie. My legs wrapped around his waist, and he held me up with a satisfied grunt.
“You look beautiful, Rainey. I missed you so much.” I couldn’t find the words to tell him how much I missed him, or how hard this year had been; instead, our lips met and our clashing tongues did all the talking that I couldn’t.
My husband was home. We were whole again.
It was a good memory, one of my favorites of Parker and me. He didn’t drop his bag this time, his eyes didn’t sparkle or linger over my body. They were filled with regret, loss, even confusion. I offered a small smile, which he returned, albeit reluctantly. Gone was the passion and love. All we had were our memories.
“Hey,” Parker said, shuffling his bag between his shoulders. “Thanks for picking me up. I appreciate it.”
“Of course.” I smiled wide, trying not to show my sadness. If I could fake it enough, maybe I would believe it.
“Are you okay?” Parker stared at me, squinting. That was the thing about being married for so long, there wasn’t much I could get past him.
“Yeah. It’s just hard to see you. After everything.”
He nodded. “Let’s go home.” He snapped his mouth shut, realizing what he’d said. It was home once, but now it was just another place. Another memory.
“We’re going to have to work together this next week. Emily needs us. The focus should be on her, okay?” I said the words out loud, but they were more for me, to remind myself of the mission at hand. Emily. Her drug addiction. Not Parker and me.
“Roger that.” Parker grinned and took the keys from my hand. “I’m driving.”
I led the way to the car and stole glances of Parker. We were both so different now. He was hardened from his times at war, the poetry that used to seep from his gorgeous lips now replaced with curse words, regret, and hate. I’d forever hold on to those poems, the words that made me fall in love with him. Because that reality was much better than the stranger that stood before me.
***
We drove home in silence. It wasn’t awkward, but we both were just lost in our minds. I was anxious to see how things were going to go once we were under the roof that we shared for many years, the place that he came home to after countless deployments.
I helped Parker carry in his bags and thought of all the places we made love, and the mornings I’d burn breakfast and Parker would smile and eat the scorched toast and tell me how great it was. That didn’t last long, but I held on to it, something that kept me attached to a marriage that had ended years ago.
We went to our separate areas of the house. I caught Parker grabbing boxes and starting to pack up some of his belongings. I didn’t know where he was going to go. I honestly didn’t want to know, because I was sure it would be to her. Where they could make memories, ones that should have been ours.
“Ha ha.” I heard Parker laugh, and a loud plop fill the air. I walked down the hallway and peeked into the spare bedroom.
“What’s that?” I pointed to the box Parker sat next to, pulling out papers.
“You saved all of these?” He shuffled through more folded notes from high school.
“I saved everything. Every note passed in school. Every letter sent during basic training and deployments, before video chat became a thing.” I sat next to him and tucked my legs underneath me. Riffling through the box, I found tons of old pictures. “I saved pictures too. I haven’t looked at these in forever, but I thought someday maybe our kids would like to see them.” I sucked in my breath. “But that won’t happen now.”
Parker didn’t say anything or even look at me. It seemed he was in denial of what was happening between us, or just didn’t care. Either was totally plausible.
“Wow. This is the first note I ever wrote you. I remember Emily complaining that I didn’t just call you.”
He opened the letter, and I sat and listened to him read it out loud
Hey, Rainey,
I was hoping that you’d get to know me first before I showed you things about me that I’m not proud of. My life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and dreams of going to college. It’s about surviving, wondering if I’ll have dinner tonight, or a warm bed to sleep in.
At this point you’ve met Emily, my sixteen-year-old little sister who’s pregnant by Adam. I shouldn’t have touched him, but he hits her, so I figured I’d show him what a man hitting another man feels like. I know you’re probably sitting there feeling sorry for me and Emily. She can dish it out as good as she gets it, don’t let her fool you. And me, well you saw what I can do.
I’m a scrapper. I do what needs to be done in order to survive. I wear a ROTC uniform because the army is the only way I know how to get out of my current situation and start my own life. College isn’t an option for me like it is you. You’re smart. I can see it. Plus, I may have asked around about you.
I have no idea why I’m telling you all this. Maybe so there’s full disclosure between us? I don’t know. You don’t owe me anything, but from the moment I saw you at the diner, I knew I’d see you again. So, you know what I did? I walked out and threw away your number, and here I am, at your school.
I’ll be back in school tomorrow. Here’s a number to reach me. In case you can’t wait that long.
See you tomorrow.
Always,
Parker
We sat in silence for a moment just taking in the letter.
“I sure had a way with words, didn’t I?” Parker chucked the letter back into the box. I didn’t know why he was getting so angry all of a sudden.
Bringing my legs close to my chest, I answered. “You did. It was one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. Your words were magical.”
He snickered. “My fucked-up past offset that. My anger destroyed my love for words and sent me straight into the army. Now look.”
I stretched out and thought about what he said. I was looking, right at a man whose life could have ended up just like his sister’s. Our marriage might be ending, but what his life could have been was a lot worse.
“If you think of where you could have ended up, this is a much better alternative.” I tried to offer a reassuring smile.
“You always encouraged me, even when I was an asshole, which was more often than not. Thank you for that. For believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself.” He fiddled with the outside of the box, avoiding my eyes. “I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you needed. The way you deserved. I hope someone comes along and makes you forget all about the shit I put you through.” He finally stopped picking at the box and looked up at me, tears glistening in his eyes. “I’m so sorry for failing you. For failing us.”
My heart was crushed. Parker was damaged, much more so than I ever imagined. Our life didn’t turn out how we planned, but all of this was making me stronger, wiser, and more in tune with who I was as an individual. So much of my identity had been tied to Parker since finding him at such a young age. I lost parts of myself when I fell in love with him. I was finally becoming the person I was destined to be. But as much as it was wonderful to know that I was healing, becoming whole, and I knew I was going to be better because of this divorce, Parker was hurting, and despite our marriage not working, I wouldn’t just give up on him.
“Oh, Parker.” I brought him in for a hug. It wasn’t a quick embrace; it was long, full of all the emotions that we had battled with for years. I felt all his fears, hesitations, and struggles, and it damn near broke me. “It’s going to be okay. Life has a funny way of working itself out.”
“How can you forgive me?” He wiped his tears on his shirt. “I cheated on you because I was too weak to put in the effort that our marriage needed to survive. You did everything for me, and I let that all go because I thought something shiny and new wouldn’t make the demons I face every day as real. That maybe someone else wouldn’t notice. I was an asshole husband, and you still find it in you to comfort me like I didn’t do anything wrong.”
I thought about the spot I was in a few weeks ago, drowning myself in ice cream and tears. I hadn’t forgiven him then, I never thought I could. I was angry that he threw away our dreams for someone else, but it all made sense now. People grow apart. Even epic first love like Parker and I had.
“I knew we were meant to be from the first moment I saw you in that diner. I made the mistake of assuming that meant forever. That we’d grow old together, raise kids, and sit on our porch sipping coffee chatting about the good old days. That we’d look forward to our grandkids coming over for sleepovers, and I’d bake cookies, and we’d give them too much sugar then send them home. But forever isn’t always in the cards. I know that these past years were meant to be. We were meant to cross paths and guide each other to this point. I’ve learned so much from you, Parker. What I gained from you, how to live in high school when all I was obsessed with was my GPA and books, how to kiss, how to make love... those are the things that will stick with me forever. Those are the parts that I’ll always cherish.” I took a breath. “So, forgiving you is a small price to pay to know that the lessons you taught me will be with me forever. I wish you all the best in your life, and I will be here for you—always. We have something many people can’t say they have, first love.”
“Jesus, and you struggled with writing in high school?” Parker laughed. “You’re amazing, Rainey. Some guy will be lucky to have you someday. I hope he’s everything I wasn’t.”
“And I hope she’s everything I’m not,” I whispered.
Silence hung in the air. Promises that weren’t kept. Love that was lost.
“Where do we go from here?” Parker asked as he stood.
“We live.”