Chapter Three
It was a place I’d been many times before, standing with weeping families as they clung to their soldier for dear life. I learned over the years and multiple deployments that no matter how tightly I clung to Parker, he’d still leave and I’d still be left here alone.
Parker and I sat side by side on the bleachers, our elbows the only part of us touching. Around us everyone wept and made promises of waiting forever, talking every day on the phone, and writing daily. Little did they know that what awaited them was sleepless nights, staring at their phone and computer waiting for a call, and letters that came less and less as the deployment waned on.
There were times I didn’t know whether Parker would make it home. I tried to avoid the news stations, but my sister-in-law, Emily, used to make it her mission to text or call me with every mention of an area remotely close to his. I lived in constant fear and agony, a shell of a person, because my heart lived outside of my chest—a part of it anyway. Parker always took it with him, wherever he went.
“Sergeant?” A young soldier I didn’t recognize stood in front of us at parade rest. “The commander said we’re getting ready to head out.” I took a deep breath as Parker nodded.
“Well.” Parker stood up and straightened his uniform. “I guess I better go.”
The familiar lump in my throat formed and the walls seemed to cave in around me. There was something so final about this goodbye. The air held an aura that wasn’t filled with the same familiar heartache. It clung to me, like wet clothes, dragging me down. This was it.
“Walk me out, Rainey?” He held out his hand for me. “Please, like we used to?” I closed my eyes and thought of the first deployment. How I held his hand until the absolute last minute. How he kissed me with such force and conviction. It was the kiss I held on to for the entire year he was gone. I wanted that again, to have the comfort of his lips against mine and have that memory restored.
I slipped my hand in his, and we walked in silence. No matter how hard we tried, things would never be the way they used to. When we were young, we had our entire lives ahead of us. Open hearts, free spirits. Now, plagued with war and hate, years apart and life that hadn’t always been kind, that youth, the freedom and hope, washed away long ago. All we were left with was distant memories of times when there was love.
We stopped in front of the bus that would take Parker and his soldiers to their plane. They were all piling on and waving to their loved ones. Parker and I were among the last ones to say goodbye.
I watched as a female soldier walked by and eyeballed us. I gave her a small smile, but she scowled and walked away. Parker squeezed my hand and redirected my attention.
“Will you wait for me?” His eyes were filled with the confusion and uncertainty that I too felt down to my core. He searched my face for my answer, but I didn’t know. Would I wait for him? Could I put the life I’d been promised on hold for another year while he chased whatever it was he needed? I wanted to say yes. That like all the other times, I’d be here. I’d send him packages and be ready for every call and Skype date that he wanted. But something in me this time wasn’t so sure. I loved Parker. He’d made me realize that there was more to life than books, school, and grades. Sometimes though, all I wanted was simple. A life where I didn’t have to worry about whether I’d be a widow before my thirtieth birthday. The price for that life, though, was not having his corny jokes, or him leaving the toilet seat up and his dirty laundry strewn all over the house. I didn’t know if I could live without those little things. I didn’t know if I could live without him.
“Rainey?” I crashed my lips down on his, willing those feelings of hope and love to swirl around with our interlacing tongues. Butterflies formed in my stomach, flitting with the anticipation of his departure.
Whistles filled the air, and I blushed at my display of affection. We separated, albeit reluctantly, panting with the passion that was felt in just those few seconds. It wasn’t hope that lingered in my mind, but dread that maybe this was it for us.
I trembled through the tears that were freely falling. I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say, because honestly, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Leaning in, I kissed Parker on the cheek. “Let me know when you make it there safely. I’ll always be there for you.”
He smiled that crooked grin that sent shivers down my spine even to this day.
My lips curved up slightly, and Parker chuckled at my attempt to try to remain solemn.
“You still love me,” he said wistfully.
I took his face in my hands and stared at him with such intensity that his breath stopped.
“I’ll always love you, Parker.”
He leaned in and kissed me softly. “I’ll always love you too.”
I waved as they drove away. I stood tall, wiping away a few stray tears as everyone else around me wept and huddled together. I was alone, my arms wrapped around myself for whatever comfort I could gather from my own arms.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” An older woman stood next to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. I smiled big and nodded.
“It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry.” I didn’t know who this woman was, but I was tired of being strong, composed, and thoughtful. She brought me close against her chest, and I bawled like a baby, just like the first time he left. I was brought back to all those years ago when I said goodbye for the first time, and the pain was as real as it was that day. Now, the difference was, I wasn’t sure whether he loved me anymore or if I’d just become a common thing in his life, like getting up and brushing your teeth. This woman thought I was crying for my husband, and I was, but not because he was going off to war; it was deeper than that. I was crying for my marriage. I was crying for a life that never quite became what it should have.