Chapter Eleven
I never got sick, but of course on Senior Day I was holed up in my house fighting off the flu. I could barely get up to use the bathroom, let alone shower. If my nostrils weren’t clogged and I didn’t sound like a congested pig, I was sure what I smelled like wouldn’t be pleasant.
A knock at my door made me groan, and I stumbled out of bed. In my oversized nightshirt and fluffy bunny slippers, I opened the door, blowing my nose.
“Parker?” I sneezed, my hair, which was on the top of my head, escaping from the hair tie and falling not so gracefully around my face.
“I brought you soup and flowers.” He stepped forward and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Jesus, you’re burning up. Come on, I’ll take care of you.”
“No!” I held up my hand and backed away. “I’m contagious.”
Parker smiled and closed the door behind him. “I don’t care. I’m going to give you some medicine and let you curl up against me while we watch TV. I’m freezing. We can put that heat to good use.”
I looked at the window and noticed his car wasn’t parked outside.
“Where’s your car?”
“It needs a new battery. I walked.” He moved around my apartment like he lived there. He pretty much did now. My mom had grown fond of him, and since he lived on friends’ couches versus living with his abusive parents, he was here a lot.
“That’s like seven miles!” I screeched.
Turning toward me, he handed me a few pills. “You were worth every one of those miles.”
Maybe it was the fever and I was delirious, but I was going to marry this boy. We were going to have babies and be madly in love, because he was perfect and I loved him.
***
Parker was able to get emergency leave, but with travel time and everything, he wouldn’t be home until the end of the week. That left me to ensure Emily was adjusting to her rehab facility okay. I didn’t mind lending a hand. Emily wasn’t aware of what was going on with her brother and me, and with all that was going on with her, she didn’t need that on her mind right now. She needed to focus on getting better.
I wasn’t sharing my and Parker’s business with everyone. It wasn’t that I was hiding it; it just wasn’t the best conversation starter. “Hey so, I’m getting a divorce. Do you want to go grab burgers?” Plus, although I knew it was the best thing for us both, I was still trying to adjust. Although now that he’d posted a new picture on Facebook, I was sure I’d have to do some explaining sooner rather than later.
Walking into the rehab facility, I checked in at the nurses’ station and walked down the long, narrow hallway. I never paid much attention to hospitals. Everything was sterile and white; there was no color, no vibrancy. The ER was much different. I suppose the hustle and bustle distracted me enough that I didn’t pay much attention to the ambiance. I didn’t understand how this could be seen as a healing environment. To me, healing was all about exposing yourself to life, stepping outside of what had been comfortable your entire life and just living. Like the beach and creepy sea creatures.
I headed to the group room where visitation was allowed. The door was propped open, and the sound of people talking traveled into the hallway. Once I rounded the corner, I saw Emily. She sat in a chair in front of a wooden table that looked worse for wear. Scratches lined the surface, and all the chairs looked like they’d buckle at any moment. A puzzle was in front of her, partially done. She clutched a puzzle piece in her hand and something else in the other, and stared down, seemingly lost in thought. The chair squeaked as she turned to face me, bringing what was in her other hand to my sight. It was a printed email. Tears streamed down her face as her eyes bored into me.
“What’s wrong?” I said quietly as I pulled a chair next to her. The few other families that were in the room were focused on each other, for which I was grateful. I wanted as much privacy with Emily as possible.
“Parker wrote me an email, and the nurse printed it out for me.” She fisted the paper tighter, turning it into a ball. I didn’t say anything to coax her into telling me more, I waited. “You can imagine I was surprised when he mentioned you guys divorcing and how he met someone else. When were you going to tell me, Rainey?” Her words were cold as ice. Fuck. I didn’t want her to feel like I was keeping something from her. I was just trying to protect her, keep her mind focused on her rehab and not Parker and me. I reached out to take her hand in mine, but she snatched it away.
“It’s complicated,” I said with a sigh. I hadn’t wanted her to find out like this. “I wanted you to focus on you. Not on your brother and me.”
Placing the balled-up paper on the table, she turned to face me. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face a ghastly shade of gray.
“You and my brother were the last hope that I had in this fucked-up world.” She let out a breathy laugh. “I thought that with you two, and all that you’ve been through and accomplished together, that love conquered all. Guess I was wrong.”
I felt tears pressing against my eyes and pushed back my emotions. I wanted to let it all out, to tell Emily that I felt what she did and was so incredibly confused, but I couldn’t. I had to be her reassurance even when the idea of love, the forever kind, seemed like a load of shit right now.
“Why can’t you guys just make it work? This isn’t like returning a shirt you don’t like. This is your marriage.” Emily’s voice rose, and people started staring.
“Sometimes people just grow apart. We’re both so different. Even when we met in high school, that was glaringly obvious. The distance kept things exciting, and when things got choppy, Parker would leave again, and the honeymoon stage would start again, but the honeymoon stage isn’t enough for either of us anymore. He’s married to the army, and that’s okay. That’s what he loves. That’s what he’s good at.”
“He said he loved you in the email. That he always will.”
Of course he did. He could never say that stuff to me.
“And I will always love him. Your brother was my first love. Something like that doesn’t just go away.” Even though I wanted it all to. The young love that Parker and I had was so painful. It was a part of my identity. It grew with me. It became a part of me and made me lose parts of myself.
Emily picked at her fingernails, drawing blood from her thumb. “What about us? Where does that leave us?” She let out a whimper. “Everyone leaves. My mother left. My dad left. Parker leaves. I’ll be more alone now than ever. Drugs numb all that.” If my heart wasn’t already broken, it would have shattered into pieces. She didn’t deserve the shitty cards life had dealt her. No one did. But hearing that she turned to drugs to try to make it all disappear was difficult.
Bringing Emily in for a hug, I whispered against her shoulder, “I’ll never leave you. You’ve become my sister just as much as you’re Parker’s. I’ll always be here for you.”
Emily pulled away and stood up, the legs of the chair scraping against the floor.
“Everyone leaves. That’s reality.” Standing in the doorway, she added, “I’ll stick with what I can count on.”
I stayed at the table, finishing the puzzle and getting lost in my own thoughts. I wanted so badly to be there for Emily, and I would be, but something she said stuck with me. Everyone leaves. Nothing lasts, no matter how hard you try, and I was living proof of that.