Chapter Seven
I refused to wallow in my own self-pity, although curling up in my bed with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s sounded like a much better idea than having to be dressed in actual clothes and go out. I pulled my covers over my head. If you can’t see anything, it doesn’t exist, right?
I listened to The Notebook playing in the background, resisting the urge to chuck my ice-cream carton at the TV screen. It was all a lie. Romance. Love. The happily ever after. I felt another crying session coming on and buried myself further into my bed. I was safe here.
My phone dinged, and I groaned, fumbling outside the blanket to grab it. I squinted to read the message.
Ava: Put the Ben and Jerry’s down. Get dressed and try to have a good time.
I smiled and typed out a quick reply. I loved that Ava and I had such a great relationship to the point where she knew exactly what I would be doing even without me having to tell her. I rolled out of bed, my head spinning from all the crying. Looking at myself in the mirror, my puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks made me laugh.
“God, I’m ridiculous.” I shook my head at my reflection.
“The best kind of love is the kind that….” Those words from The Notebook made me scoff. There was no best kind of love. There’s the kind that knocked someone over and made them forget who the hell they were. The kind that caused people to lose themselves in someone who couldn’t give two shits, who fell in love with someone else and gave an excuse that the other person deserved better. It was all a load of horseshit, because I deserved not to be cheated on when I put my all into my marriage. All I had to show for it was low self-esteem and an empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s Coffee, Coffee, Buzz, Buzz.
After a quick shower, I threw on a pair of jeans and a flowy top that was dressy enough to look like I put in an effort. Hell, it was better than the ripped yoga pants and stained T-shirt I’d been wearing before. I then headed out.
***
I stood outside the bar and stared inside as all my coworkers laughed and had fun. I was sure I resembled some sort of crazy stalker looking longingly inside with a scowl on my face that could make a grown man cry. Everyone was laughing, dancing, and happy. I wasn’t. It felt wrong going in there and pretending. My face was getting sore from fake smiling.
“Are you going to just stand outside or are you going to go in?” I turned around and saw Levi, his normal paramedic uniform replaced with jeans and a plain white T-shirt.
“Probably just going to stand out here and pretend that I’m not ready to have a meltdown at any moment.” I turned back around and stared through the window. Levi moved closer and stood next to me.
“Yeah, looks awful in there. Everyone’s laughing, drinking beer.” I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “Horrific, really.” His lips curved into a small smile.
“Smartass,” I said with a grin.
“Want to go grab a coffee?” Levi shoved his hands into his pockets. It was a harmless question, but my mind wandered to the first date that Parker and I had together. When things were different, simple.
“I’m taking you on a proper date tomorrow,” Parker said.
I sat on my bed and curled my legs underneath me. I tried to contain my excitement as Parker talked about us going to the movies and dinner. Other than the English class I was a teacher’s aide in, that’s the only time we ever got to see each other. It wasn’t enough. Not anymore.
“Have you written any more? There’s a big assignment due in your English class on Monday.”
Parker laughed. “I’ll do it Monday the period before. That’s how I roll.”
I scoffed.
“You disapprove?”
“I don’t know how you do it. My anxiety would be sky-high if I started the weekend without all of my homework done.” I lay back on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.
“You need to live, Rainey. You’re a teenager, not a nun.” He sighed. “We only get one life. Don’t waste it.”
“Look at you getting all philosophical on me.” I giggled. “But you’re right. I’d love to live a bit more. Whatever that means.”
“Where’s your mom?” Parker asked.
“Working the overnight shift. Just me, myself, and I tonight.”
“Great. I’m coming over. No work today. Sleepover. I’ll bring snacks.”
I jumped up out of bed. “Wait, what?” I stared at myself in the mirror, my hair was a mess at the top of my head staring back at me, along with my splotchy face and the ever-cool retainer that lined my pearly whites.
“Living starts now. See you in about an hour.” Parker hung up the phone, and I stared in awe at the phone screen. He was coming over. Parker was on his way to my house for a sleepover. Instead of getting myself more presentable, I dialed Ava.
“Hey!” she answered. “What’s up?”
“Parker’s on his way over, and I’m freaking out!” I ripped open a drawer and rummaged through it to find a better set of pajamas or something.
“Holy shit, and your mom isn’t home? Bow Chicka Wow Wow.”
“Oh God. Do you think he’s expecting sex? I’m not ready for that. We haven’t even gone out on a date yet.” I groaned as I held up a T-shirt that said y+u=us from my boy band loving days.
“He’s Parker. Not ever sure what he’s thinking,” Ava said. “Girl, get to know him. Have fun. Relax.”
“But my mom. I should ask her first.”
Ava laughed. “Your mom’s cool, but she won’t be home until morning. She doesn’t have to know. And plus, if she said no, would you turn him away at your door? The tall, dark, and handsome boy who was your fantasy all summer?”
“Well, no.” Ava did have a point.
“There. So, it doesn’t matter what your mom says. I know you like to play by the rules, but tonight, try something different—and send me pictures!” I giggled. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach.
“Okay. I have to go find something other than my boy band T-shirts to wear.”
“Good luck with that. Don’t do anything I’d do!” Ava hung up, and I was left with my overflowing drawers and anticipation that was going to kill me.
***
I jumped when I heard the first creak of the stairs that led up to my fifth-floor apartment. It was a pain traveling up those stairs with loads of groceries, but it was ours. A place that my mother and I both worked hard to keep. I didn’t pay bills. My mother believed firmly that it was her job to take care of me, but I helped clean and attempted to cook as often as I could. School work and my part-time job kept me occupied. I liked to stay busy and have goals to strive for. I opened the door to the hallway before Parker even made it to the top. I knew it looked overeager, but the truth was, I was terrified. Looking down at my pink flowy top and yoga pants, I swear I expected to see my knees knocking together.
“Hey.” Looking up, I fought back a giggle at the sight of him. He wore a ratty T-shirt and plaid pajama bottoms that looked a little too small. They were high waters and showed the white of his socks. “Like my outfit?” He spun around.
A giggle escaped my lips. “I would have kept on my band T-shirt had I known this is how you were coming over.” I opened the door and motioned him inside.
“Depends. What band?” He quirked up his left eyebrow.
“Maroon 5. I never got to see them in concert, but Ava did and bought me a shirt.”
“Nice. Where should I put these?” Parker held up his hands, the two shopping bags overflowing. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I got a bit of every snack food there was. I have chips, chocolate, fruit just in case you want an apple instead of peanut M & M’s for some unknown reason….” I watched him empty the contents of the bag on the coffee table, how he put the candy in one pile, the chips in another. Everything about him seemed so carefree, yet there were parts that were structured, organized, thoughtful.
“What? Do I have a booger in my nose?” He flared his nostrils in the most ungodly way that allowed me to see straight up his nose.
“Ew, that’s nasty. No booger.” I snickered.
“Ah. I’m handsome, right? It’s the plaid high waters.” He stretched out his long leg, further hiking up the pants. “I knew they’d make you fall for me. My devilish plan succeeded!”
Fall for him? My mind raced with hope, possibility, and straight-up lust. It was a mishmash of emotions. I didn’t know whether to tell him I had fallen for him in an I-want-to-lick-your-face-off sort of way since that day in the diner or to tell him that I hoped we could maybe explore something more between us. My mind, ever so active as it was, frantically searched for a response as he stared at me, a Snickers bar in one hand and a bag of Doritos in the other.
“You’re all right,” I squeaked out. Smooth. Real smooth. After toying with what to say, that’s what I came up with? Ava would have a fit.
“All right? Damn, way to make a man grow a complex.” With a frown, he threw the Snickers and Doritos on the table.
“Oh, I didn’t mean just all right. I didn’t want to sound too eager. Like damn, Parker, I’ve thought about you since I first saw you at the diner. Or that I love the way you’re honest and kind without being fake. And how you’re not just all right, you’re the most superbly handsome man I’ve ever met.” I took a breath and felt my cheeks heat. Well, I’d done it again. Spouted off more than necessary. I’d turned to walk into the kitchen to compose and probably scold myself when Parker grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.
“Don’t run. Stay.” His words caressed my body and enveloped me in warmth. The insecurity was still there, but more subtle, masked with the comfort that his hand on me brought.
“I didn’t mean to say all that. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
He released my arm and sighed. “The only thing that’s made me uncomfortable these past weeks is wanting to be with you and not knowing whether to just say it.” Parker smiled at me. “But I think you feel something, even if a small piece of you. It’s drawn to me. Isn’t it?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. He wants to be with me? I nodded.
“Let’s stop pretending that we aren’t interested romantically in each other. I’m not seeing anyone else or interested in dating anyone else, are you?”
“Not at all. I haven’t dated in forever.” I mentally smacked myself. Way to make yourself look cool, Rainey.
“So, what do you say we call this what it is, a date. Our first official date as boyfriend and girlfriend.” Parker held out his hand to me, and I wanted nothing more than to jump up and down.
I placed my hand in his; it fit perfectly.
We sat down on my couch, and he kept his hand in mine. Our fingers intertwined and some nonsense show that kept him laughing played in the background. Nothing could make this night more special.
“Rainey?” Levi’s voice brought me back to the present. “Are you okay?” I brushed a tear that streamed down my face.
“I’m not. I’m so sorry. I can’t have coffee right now. I can’t do this right now.” I flung up my hands, motioning toward the bar where all my coworkers were hanging out. “I’m not ready.” I rushed back to my car without as much as a goodbye to Levi. There was nothing wrong with him. His intentions were pure, but me? I was hurting. Damaged goods.
Finally making it to my car, I pulled out my cell phone and called Ava.
“Hey, my sister from another mister,” Ava answered.
“My marriage is over. I’m getting a divorce. How is this my life, Ava?” I propped my head on the steering wheel and cried.
“Oh, sweetie. No one plans for this to happen when they get married, but you’ll be better for it. I promise. There are so many amazing things in your future. I can feel it.”
“I’m glad you can feel it, because right now I feel like I’m breaking into tiny pieces. I know he cheated. I know that this is for the best, but why does it hurt so bad?” I wiped my eyes on my shirt.
“Because you’ve been together your entire lives. You guys were high school sweethearts, and you’re starting over, and that can be scary.” She paused. “Listen to me, Rainey, you’re strong. You don’t give yourself enough credit sometimes for all the amazing things that you’ve accomplished in your life. Stop selling yourself short. Pick up those broken pieces and put them back together. It might look a little different, but that’s the point. Not everything is going to be the same, but that’s the beauty of life. Even when it seems like we can’t go on any longer, something exciting happens and we push on and become a better version of ourselves.”
“Since when do you speak like that?” I laughed. Ava was always there for me, but her words were usually more about getting off my ass. Not quite so poetic.
“I may have read some inspirational shit on the Internet to help you out. Now, enough of that. Go back to the bar, have a drink or two, and try to have a good time.” There’s my best friend.
After we said our goodbyes, I walked back to the bar and headed straight inside. Everyone greeted me with open arms. I looked around for Levi, wanting to apologize for running off when he asked me to go grab coffee, but he was nowhere to be found.
“Here. Have a beer!” Jean shoved a beer into my hand.
“Thanks!” I yelled over the music.
I nursed the same beer all night. I had a good time just being out of the house and attempting to bring myself closer to who I was before, although I had no idea who that was anymore. One piece was firmly put back in place. Only a few more to go.