Chapter Four
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ava, my best friend since high school, my rock, my voice of reason, had called me every day for the past three weeks since Parker left. Every night ended with the same question. Was I okay?
That’s such a weird question, considering “okay” was rather relative. Parker still hadn’t called me. I’d gotten a few emails, some missed messages on Skype, but I’d been working and trying to keep going without falling into the common theme that deployments brought for me.
Depression.
It’s something I’d suffered from since adolescence, and living the military life hadn’t made it much easier. I threw myself into work and school and anything else I could to try to fill the void that Parker left. With the way we left things, I was even more gutted. I knew that considering divorce or separation was for the best, but when someone was your entire life, it still hurt.
“I’m fine. I promise.” I poured my coffee into my mug and sealed it off. Checking my bag to make sure it was packed with my lunch and dinner, I headed out for my twelve-hour shift at the hospital.
“I’m a plane ride away.” She laughed. “Don’t make me bring myself and my three kids all the way down to North Carolina.”
I laughed, although a visit from Ava and all her children would be amazing. “You’re the best,” I said as I started my car.
“I know.” A loud thump and a cry vibrated through the phone. “Shit,” Ava muttered. “I got to go, hon. I love you and do what’s best for you. You deserve to be happy. Even if that means moving on. Sometimes things aren’t meant to last forever. You tried your best. Gave it your all.” There was a pause. “Holy shit, Amelia, what did you do?” I sniffed and wiped the tears away.
“I love you.”
“Love you, girl. Chat soon.” I was left with what I’d known deep down all along. Everything was in my control. It always had been. I could move on and live life, or continue to hope that Parker would come around and that he’d realize that my love for him was so strong and I’d do anything to make him happy. The question was whether he’d do everything for me?
***
The night at work started off slow enough, which was unheard of as an ER nurse. I was usually running from place to place with emergency after emergency. I actually got to eat the dinner I packed tonight.
“Rainey!” My coworker Melissa ran down the hall with a cart. “Teenage gunshot victim, ETA two minutes.” I ran toward her, the adrenaline flowing through my veins. It wasn’t subtle. It was intense, coursing through me and giving me laser focus. This was what I lived for, where I was in my element. Parker had said he felt the same at war. The difference was I never left him behind. I chose this career so I could start a family. Build the home I so badly wanted with him. He chose to leave when I wanted him to stay.
We waited at the emergency room doors, the sound of the incoming ambulance deafening. I swayed from leg to leg as the kid was rushed out of the back of the ambulance and into the hospital.
“Gunshot to the right side. Extreme loss of blood.” I took in all the information as Melissa and I went to work. We stabilized him enough that the bleeding stopped, and he was whisked to surgery.
Everything started to die down. The adrenaline melted away, and I was left with the aftermath of a trauma. As I cleaned the blood from my hands, I felt confident, in control, powerful. As a calmness came over me, I couldn’t help but realize how much I loved my job.
“Great work out there. You sure you aren’t a doctor?” I turned around and saw the paramedic leaning against the doorframe. I laughed and dried my hands.
“My student loans are horrific enough. I’d be scared to see what they’d look like for a doctor.” He laughed. It was deep and traveled through me, sending shivers down my spine. I shook it off and chalked it up to frazzled nerves.
“Cold? They do keep these hospitals pretty chilly.” He walked into the room and held out his hand. “I’m Levi, by the way.”
Shaking his hand, I replied, “Rainey.”
“That’s an interesting name.” He smiled and cocked his head to the side, studying me a bit more.
“My mom liked the rain,” I added. For some reason, I was feeling funny. I needed a good laugh.
He laughed for what seemed like forever. I remained stoic and serious, my face never showing that I was joking.
“Oh shit.” He squared his shoulders. “You’re serious?”
“Yes. I’m serious. My sister’s name is Snow.”
He shook his head nervously. “I’m sorry. I’m an asshole.” He ran his fingers through his light brown hair. I stared at it for longer than necessary; the loose curls highlighted his chiseled features. He had a beard, which I normally didn’t care for but suited him, close-cut and tight to his cheeks and chin. He had to be only a couple inches taller than me because I didn’t need to crane my neck to look up at him.
“I’m kidding.” I laughed. “My mom liked the name, and I’m an only child.”
He let out his breath. “Jesus. I thought I was batting a thousand on my first impression. Way to impress the ladies.”
I gulped at his response. He was trying to impress me? The banter back and forth was harmless, but guilt spurred in me and I thought about Parker. Although things were still left in limbo between us, I drew the line at innocent flirting.
“I’ve got to get back to work.” I slid past him, purposely trying not to touch him. “Nice to meet you.”
I rushed down the hall before he could respond.
“Raindrop!” he called after me as he hustled to catch up. I grinned to myself at the nickname. “I hope you didn’t take offense to anything I said back there. I was trying to be funny.” He ran his fingers through his hair again. “Which isn’t really my strong suit,” he mumbled.
Okay. I was overreacting. He wasn’t asking me out or doing anything inappropriate. Other than a few coworkers here, I didn’t have many friends. Ava was about it, and a few army wives I was forced into relationships with. It kind of came with the territory.
“No. You’re fine.” Awkwardness swarmed around us. I glanced down at my phone. “This is usually when my husband e-mails me or gets on Skype. I don’t want to miss him.” That’s right. Mention Parker. Your husband. Lay it all out there so there’s no funny business. Even though he hasn’t called you in days.
“Husband?” I caught a hint of disappointment. “How long have you been married?” he asked.
“Eight years,” I said as I clutched my phone. I knew Parker wouldn’t call me, but holding my phone made me feel safe and connected to him.
“Wow. So, what, you got married as an infant?”
I smiled. Levi’s jokes really were horrible. “No, when I was eighteen. He’s in the military.”
“Ah.” Levi nodded. “You guys are one of those.”
My back went stiff. “What does that mean?”
He shrugged, and then his eyes got large. “I didn’t mean anything….”
“No. You don’t know me, Levi.” I moved closer to him and pressed my finger against his chest. “You think you know why I married my husband at eighteen, because of some stereotype?” He opened his mouth to respond, and I shook my head. “Don’t bother trying to explain yourself. Sure, my marriage isn’t all rainbows and butterflies, but what marriage is? Yes, I got married at eighteen, but it wasn’t for extra money in the paycheck or some other stereotypical army family bullshit story. We loved each other.”
Levi put up his hands. “Listen. I honestly didn’t mean anything by it. I give you credit for staying married. My marriage lasted six months before my wife slept around on me.” I loosened up a bit at his confusion. “Some women can’t hack the man who works and is away from home for too long. I was in the army for four years. I know how it can be.”
“It’s a difficult life, but I don’t regret it.” The words sounded flat because I wasn’t sure if I meant it anymore, but this stranger in front of me didn’t need to know that.
Levi’s pager sounded, and he glanced down. “Duty calls.”
“Yeah,” I said. Levi turned on his heels and walked away, and I headed in the other direction. Shaking my head, I felt like an asshole.
“Rainey?” I turned to face Levi one last time. “Just remember you said that you guys loved each other.” And with that, he was gone.
It was true. I’d said we loved each other. Not that we were in love with each other.
As if sensing my turmoil, my phone vibrated in my hand with an incoming e-mail from Parker. Pulling it up, I took a minute to read it.
Rainey,
I won’t be available for a while. Going on a long mission without access to Internet or phones.
I needed reassurance, and this e-mail didn’t help my already whirling mind with the doubt that plagued it. I heard my name being called and saw people running toward the ambulance bay. Shoving my phone in my pocket, I refocused on my job, because that was the only constant that I had right now. My work and Ava. Everything else was in limbo.