The next few minutes felt like a lifetime for Nancy, and yet everything seemed to happen so quickly.
The first thing was the rapid movement of Jack’s arm swinging at the lady, catching her square on the chin as he flung both arms up when he felt his headphones being removed. Nancy couldn’t move quickly enough to stop the connection of his fist hitting the lady’s face. The woman recoiled in surprise and screeched which caused Jack to let out an almighty wail as he struggled to take in the sudden commotion around him.
‘Jack, no! It’s OK!’ Nancy called to him, reaching out her hands to try and stop the swinging of his arms as he became more panicked and unsettled. But in moments like this, Jack had an unbelievable strength that would challenge the world’s strongest man.
Nancy frantically tried to calm him, making shushing noises and reassuring him that everything was OK, but he was already in the meltdown zone. His anxiety had been building the whole time they had been at the kids’ club and the woman removing the comfort blanket of his headphones had tipped him over the edge. Nancy knew he was too far gone now to be pulled back easily. His face contorted with distress, bright red with a look of fear spread across it. He was holding his ears as though someone had hurt them, and it broke Nancy’s heart. She was so angry at herself. If she had said no at the start, then none of this would be happening. Instead, her little boy was frightened and distressed and it was her fault. She felt sick with frustration.
‘Nancy, what do you want me to do?’ Harriet called to her, but she barely heard her, her focus was now purely on trying to calm Jack down.
‘Here, Jack, have your headphones back.’ She held them out to him, but he batted them away with his hands, dropping to the floor and squirming around as his cry became a wail.
The woman who had started all this was standing open-mouthed, staring at him as she held the area on her face where he had whacked her. She looked from Jack, to Nancy, then back to Jack, unsure of what exactly was unfolding in front of her. She didn’t understand, nobody understood. It was an incredibly lonely place to be when you were parenting an autistic child.
‘I need to let him get it out of his system,’ Nancy said to Harriet, pleading with her eyes for her friend to not judge and just be there. Harriet had never judged her, but the scars from those who had were still raw. Harriet, true to form, just nodded and smiled, showing her unwavering support and this meant more to Nancy than anything she could have said. Words were nice, but it was the comradery of support shown in Harriet’s actions that spoke the loudest. She had her friend by her side and she was going to get through this. She hoped.
‘What an earth is going on out here!’ Another member of staff had joined them from inside the kids’ club and her gaze instantly went to Jack on the floor writhing about in distress. ‘Oh dear, does somebody not want to come in today? He’ll be fine once he’s in, Mum, go on, off you go and we’ll take little man in with us.’ The woman began to kneel down to Jack who instantly kicked out and just missed making contact with her face. She jumped back in surprise and made a comment about being unruly under her breath. This made Nancy’s blood boil because it was the conclusion that so many people came to without knowing anything about the situation. So many children were branded as misbehaving without anyone looking into why they were behaving in that way. Not only did she have to deal with the pressure of watching her son clearly distressed and inconsolable, but she also had to listen to people who thought they were child behaviour experts pass judgement on them.
‘He’s not naughty!’ Nancy found herself throwing the words back at the woman although she wasn’t sure why she bothered. People like that were never going to understand.
‘Oh no, I didn’t say that ma’am.’ The look on her face said different.
‘Come on, Jack, let’s go.’ Nancy said, trying to be more authoritative when inside she was feeling totally helpless. She just knew she needed to get both Jack and herself away from this situation. But as she moved towards him he lashed out at her too, grasping tighter at his ears, practically ripping them from his head. He was pulling at them so much they had turned a deep shade of crimson and looked so sore. ‘Jack, stop it! Stop pulling your ears and put these on!’ She shoved the headphones at him, but he couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything except stopping the feeling that was making him so uncomfortable. His wails became sobs and he curled up into a ball, rocking.
‘Hari…’ Nancy sobbed, looking to her friend. Generally over the years, Nancy had built up a good coping strategy for dealing with Jack when he was like this. However, being in a new environment, she found herself panicking and becoming stressed a lot quicker than she would do in the comfort of her own home. Seeing Jack in a state was proving too much for her. She was so grateful to Hari, who instantly went into leader mode and took control of the situation.
‘OK, what needs to happen right now ladies,’ she addressed the two kids’ club staff members, ‘is that we need you both to step back and give Jack some space. I’m sure we don’t need both of you out here so if you wouldn’t mind…’ She nodded towards the second woman who had joined them and indicated that she return to the crèche. The woman didn’t appreciate being told what to do but the receptionist surprisingly backed Harriet up and said, ‘Perhaps you should go back inside, I’m fine out here.’
‘Right, Nance, put the headphones next to him on the floor so they are there when he calms down.’
Nancy did as she was told, sniffing back the tears that were now falling down her face.
‘And just FYI,’ Harriet addressed the receptionist, ‘Jack has autism, so this isn’t just a child having a tantrum, and we would appreciate some support as opposed to the judgemental looks.’
The woman looked away, half embarrassed and half fuming at being addressed in this way but Nancy didn’t care right now, she just needed Jack to calm down. She was annoyed at herself for failing to cope in Jack’s moment of need. It was day one of their holiday and already she had crumbled. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was more wound up about this holiday than she realised. She knew Jack would struggle but she had coping mechanisms in place at home and she thought she’d be able to cope with anything he threw at her. But for some reason, she’d struggled today. It could be tiredness from the travel or worry about what might happen. Either way, she needed to get a grip on things if she was going to make it through this holiday with her sanity. She needed to refocus … and then she needed a drink.
***
‘Here, I think you need this, hey?’ Harriet passed Nancy a glass of sangria and watched as she gulped down half the contents in one swift movement. ‘Are you OK?’
Nancy exhaled, her gaze fixed on her glass. ‘Not really.’
Harriet felt incredibly sorry for her best friend. This last year had been so hard for Nancy, and she’d watched her friend slowly but surely lose her identity and a little bit of her sanity since Jack’s diagnosis and her marriage break up. Harriet tried to be there for her but there was only so much she could do and with work getting increasingly busy she knew she hadn’t been there for Nancy as much as she perhaps could have, which made her feel guilty. She’d wanted this holiday to be a positive break for them all, but she hadn’t envisaged Jack struggling with it. She hadn’t even thought about Jack if she was honest, which pretty much summed her up as a parent – useless.
‘It wasn’t your fault – she shouldn’t have taken Jack’s headphones.’
‘Yeah, but how was she supposed to know? How is anyone supposed to know? It’s so fucking hard, Hari.’
‘I know it is, but you can’t beat yourself up about it. This is going to happen, you just need to learn ways to get past it and help Jack to get past it, that’s all.’ She sipped at her own sangria.
‘But what if he doesn’t, Hari? What if he never improves and I spend my whole life one step behind him apologising for what he does and the chaos he creates when people do things he doesn’t like. I can’t constantly be there for him.’
‘You won’t have to be—’
‘How do you know? Does your child have bloody autism?’ Harriet froze at Nancy’s sudden outburst. ‘Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.’ Nancy exhaled and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m just fed up with getting it wrong – I don’t know what I’m doing, why is this so hard!’
‘You’re doing great! You’re doing a hell of a lot better than I would. Jeez, Nance, I can’t even look after my own children without getting it wrong and they’re a piece of cake in comparison.’ She held up her hand in apology. ‘Not saying Jack is difficult … I just meant—’
‘It’s fine,’ Nancy smiled. ‘I know what you mean.’ They sat there quietly for a minute before Nancy added, ‘And you’re doing a fine job with your children, stop putting yourself down.’
‘I don’t know, Nance, I know it’s nothing in comparison to what you have to deal with daily but I feel like I’m wading against the tide all the time. The children expect so much from me and I don’t have a clue. Put me in a boardroom with seventeen directors from multimillion-pound companies from around the world and I’m a pro, stick me in a play centre with my two children and it’s like they speak a different language to me!’ Hari laughed to lighten the comment. Whilst she was trying to make Nancy feel better about what had happened, there was more truth in what she was saying than she liked to admit.
‘You’re too hard on yourself.’
‘Nancy, the other week the nursery had to call me because I was over an hour late to pick up Tommy. I was too busy replying to emails. And then I did it again the day before we left.’ She lifted an eyebrow. ‘My own child, Nance, and I forgot!’
‘You’re under a lot of pressure with your job and everyone drops the ball every now and then, that’s just parenting. It’s shit.’ She clinked her glass with Harriet’s. ‘Welcome to the Shit Mums’ Club.’
‘Welcome? Are you kidding? I think I qualify for the presidency role at that club!’
‘Oh shush!’ Nancy waved the comment away. ‘It does make me think, though, Hari.’
‘What’s that then? Share your pearls of wisdom with me, oh wise one.’
‘Well, we can’t be the only parents in the world feeling like this. Maybe this is just what parenting is: a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the very high to the very low on a daily basis with the constant need to self-criticise every single action you take – or don’t take.’
Harriet nodded. ‘Sounds pretty accurate to me.’ She sipped her drink again.
‘I just wish more people spoke about it and owned up to struggling instead of putting on a filter and pretending. It makes it so much harder for those of us who are genuinely pulling our hair out because we feel like the only ones. But, we can’t be.’
‘Well, I am totally on your side, Mrs, I certainly can’t say I’m acing parenthood. Screaming, crying, tantrums, poo on the floor, broccoli in the DVD player… it all happens at my house.’ Harriet’s confidence began to wane as she listed all the things her children did, the more she spoke, the more vulnerable she felt. Maybe the sangria had loosened her tongue a little too much. But Nancy was her friend, so if she couldn’t talk openly with her, then who could she talk to?
‘See, this is why mums need to stick together, this is why we should talk about these things because once you realise that every single parent is feeling this shit, it doesn’t feel so bad!’ Nancy slapped her knee as though she had had a revelation.
‘Another one for the road?’ Harriet asked, not waiting for an answer and making her way over to the bar. Laughter aside, Nancy had a point. Surely they couldn’t be the only parents out there struggling in some way? So why did she feel so alone?
***
Nancy watched Harriet leave and moved her attention to Jack who was sitting with his feet dangling in the pool, headphones firmly back on. It broke her heart to see him so isolated from everyone else. All she wanted was – dare she say it – a normal child. Whatever that was. She loved him with all her heart but being his mum was so incredibly difficult, she wasn’t sure she was cut out for it. When Pete had left her, it had broken her heart, but if she was completely honest, she’d been a little jealous of him too. Jealous that he had escaped the daily turmoil of meltdowns and the unknown. It wasn’t just the physical stresses of it all that she was finding difficult, it was the emotional side too. Parenting was hard, regardless of whether you had one child or ten, hyperactive or shy, disabled or not. The actual act of parenting itself was gruelling both physically and mentally and she really missed having another person to bounce off when times were tough. She was jealous of the fact that Pete didn’t have to watch his son when he was feeling sad or frightened and as a result, endure hours of horrendous guilt and shame that you couldn’t make it better. Pete didn’t have to deal with numerous wakings in the night and he didn’t have to go through the turmoil when you forgot to take Jack’s Calm Cards out. She couldn’t ever imagine being without Jack but equally she longed to share the worry with someone who understood.
She glanced down at her leg where a bruise was beginning to form where she had tried to restrain Jack earlier. The way the staff member had looked at Nancy, like her son was a monster, made her feel devastated. She was failing as a parent right now and it felt horrendous.
She was snapped out of her thoughts rapidly when she saw a young boy approach Jack from behind, pause and then sit down next to him, dangling his feet into the pool just like Jack. Nancy froze with an overwhelming fear that the little boy would touch Jack’s headphones. She moved to stand up to warn the child but then paused as she watched Jack take off his own headphones and look at the young boy. She sat back in her chair, anxiously waiting to see what happened next. Time stood still as she watched the two of them staring at each other, not moving. Jack had never done this before. He didn’t usually take his headphones off to interact with another person – it was only when Nancy asked him to or when he was ready. Nancy wasn’t sure how she felt about this. She wanted to be happy – this was progress, surely? But a small part of her brain was nervously asking questions like why? and what will he do? She wanted to intervene, to make sure this encounter went smoothly and positively, but she knew in her heart that he was never going to make the progress he needed to socially if she was always one step behind doing it for him. She waited patiently, her breathing shallow and fast.
Then the little boy with the mousy brown hair said, ‘Whatcha watching?’
Jack didn’t respond, and Nancy could see him clasping the iPad tight against his chest, his knuckles their usual shade of white. Nancy’s heart was racing, willing him to reply to the boy who was staring at him, waiting for an answer, the sweetest little smile on his face.. She fixed her eyes on her son, praying for him to say something – anything – but still he stared back, unwavering.
‘Is it YouTube? I like that; I watch stuff on it all the time – what’s your favourite?’
Still nothing. Oh God, this was torture. That poor little boy wanted to make friends and have a chat and Jack was just sitting there, frozen.
Then, Jack stood up and walked back to Nancy, leaving the boy sitting in the pool by himself, watching as his new friend just walked off without so much as a goodbye. Nancy’s heart broke for him and if she was honest with herself, she was a little frustrated at Jack too. When these social challenges arose, Nancy always wished for the same outcome: for Jack to engage. And every single time she had to accept that this wasn’t going to happen overnight. But it was difficult to not let the frustration seep in. She suppressed the feeling, as Jack sat down at the base of her chair and resumed his watching. Nancy walked over to the little boy. Sitting next to him she took Jack’s place and put her legs into the pool as he had done.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ she said. ‘Jack struggles a little bit with talking to new people.’ She smiled at the boy who smiled back, his whole face lighting up and Nancy couldn’t help but warm to his friendly nature.
He shrugged. ‘That’s OK,’ he chirped. ‘I just saw him sitting on his own so didn’t want him to be lonely.’
Her heart melted. ‘How old are you?’
‘Seven.’
‘Seven? Wow, you are very grown up for seven.’
‘That’s what my dad says; he says I’m like an old man sometimes.’ He giggled, and the sound was fresh, carefree and just how little boys should sound.
‘Well, I think it’s lovely that you wanted to make friends. Jack just finds it hard sometimes.’
‘Does he have friends at home?’ The little boy swished the water with his feet.
‘Not really.’ She shook her head. He had children he played with – or should she say, alongside – but that was because Nancy was friends with their parents. And at school he just kept himself to himself.
‘It’s OK; some people just like to be on their own.’
Nancy looked at the boy, lost for words. How did this seven-year-old have such a mature outlook on life? She moved her gaze back to her feet in the pool, her brightly painted pink toenails making shapes beneath the water.
‘Is this a private party or can anyone join?’
Nancy jumped slightly at the male voice behind her and glanced over her shoulder. She stared for a second at the tall man peering down at them and then realised she was staring at his chest which had some kind of tattoo on it. She coughed to regain herself as she diverted her eyes towards his face. He had a nice face with a cheeky smile, made slightly sexier by the small amount of stubble around his mouth – standard holiday stubble. He had the most gorgeous full head of blonde hair which was long enough for her to run her hands through. She batted away the thought the instant it fell into her head. Embarrassed, as though he could read her mind, she averted her gaze nervously.
‘Daddy! I was talking to this lady’s boy as he was sitting on his own, but he didn’t want to talk so the lady is talking to me now.’ He swished his feet again.
Nancy panicked; she didn’t want this man to think Jack was rude. She stuttered a little. ‘Sorry, um, he’s just not very good at talking to new people,’ she added hastily.
The man laughed and sat down on the other side of his son. ‘It’s not a problem, honestly.’ He smiled, and Nancy felt a twinge of attraction as he did. He had the most beautiful deep blue eyes. She was definitely an ‘eyes’ person, she was starting to realise. It was always something she noticed on people.
‘I take it you’re staying at this complex?’ He swished his feet in the water like his son and Nancy found herself smiling. ‘What?’ he asked, the smile spreading across his face.
‘You and your son do exactly the same thing in the water with your feet – the exact same movement.’ She realised she must sound like a right weirdo for noticing this fact, so she self-consciously added, ‘It was funny. And yes, we are staying here. Me, my son and my friend and her two little ones.’ She pointed over her shoulder and saw Harriet was back and sitting on the sun lounger next to Jack who still had his nose in the iPad. The guy’s face creased in confusion as he looked at them and Nancy added, ‘Her two are in the kids’ club. Jack, um, wasn’t too keen to go today.’
The guy smiled. ‘I don’t blame him; I think I would rather be out in the sunshine too.’ He gave Nancy another friendly smile and she couldn’t help but smile back. ‘I’m Cameron, by the way.’ He pointed at his son. ‘This guy is useless at introducing me to people. Call yourself my right-hand man!’ He nudged him and the boy giggled again.
Nancy found herself giggling. ‘I’m Nancy,’ she said as she shook Cameron’s outstretched hand. ‘My son is Jack and that’s Harriet, who is clearly listening to every single word.’ She pointed to her friend who looked up from her phone and waved, at which Nancy giggled again.
Harriet always managed to look stunning. Even now, her black swimsuit was styled in such a way that she looked like she was about to step onto the London catwalk and her hair was poker-straight, with not a strand out of place. Her designer sunglasses and a chunky necklace nicely finished the look. Nancy – on the other hand – had on her trusty swimsuit of the last two years, a deep shade of emerald, hair pulled up into her usual mum bun and zero jewellery on. She wasn’t really an accessories person. Simple and easy was her fashion style, if you could call it a style. Usually Nancy was comfortable in her own skin and was happy being the less glamorous one in their friendship, but she felt a tad self-conscious right now with Harriet looking so presentable next to her own Mrs Plain Jane look, as she was introducing this hot guy. Maybe she should make a conscious effort to dress up a bit more, look after her appearance now that Pete was well and truly off the cards.
‘I’m not, I just heard my name.’ Harriet poked her tongue out and Cameron laughed.
‘Nice to meet you guys. And this is Aiden.’ He tapped his son on the leg. ‘Right Mr, it’s time we made a move. We have a waterpark to go to.’
The little boy jumped up excitedly. ‘Yeah! Let’s go, bye!’ he called over his shoulder as he ran off to where his clothes and towel were.
‘It was nice to meet you, Nancy,’ Cameron said as he shook her hand again. ‘Hopefully I’ll bump into you again if you’re here for a while?’ Another huge smile, revealing a row of perfectly white teeth. He had one of those faces that instantly made a person feel relaxed and at ease.
Nancy nodded. ‘We only arrived yesterday.’
‘I’ll see you around then.’ He saluted and smiled before running off to where Aiden was. ‘Last one to the room has to pay for dinner!’ he called and Nancy could hear Aiden’s giggling again.
She pulled her feet out of the water to walk back over to Harriet, and she couldn’t help but smile.
‘Look at you all smiley. Does someone have a crush on the hot guy?’
‘Shut up,’ Nancy said as she plonked herself down onto the sun lounger.
‘I will not. I want to hear everything.’ She put her phone down.
‘I’m pretty sure you did – pretending not to hear and then making the rookie mistake of responding when we talked about you.’ She laughed and shook her head.
Harriet giggled. ‘I know! I could’ve kicked myself. But I didn’t hear everything; I was at the bar remember?’ Harriet picked up Nancy’s new sangria and passed it to her. ‘I think you’ve earned this.’
She took the glass, ‘What? For talking to some guy?’
‘Yes, for taking some time for you and enjoying yourself with a hot guy, something you haven’t done in I don’t know how long. It’s about time you forgot about that loser Pete and put yourself out there!’ She picked up her phone again and started tapping away.
‘Hari, I chatted to some guy, I’m not about to marry him. Or even date him. This isn’t an 18-30s holiday where I am looking to hook up and get my leg over. My marriage ended a year ago!’
‘Oh come on, you’re not exactly going to let Pete back in, are you? So why not explore your options?’
‘Hari, I am here for a holiday with my boy and my friend. Nothing else.’ She leaned back onto her sun lounger and pulled her sunglasses back down over her eyes. ‘And anyway, we’re too old for an 18-30s holiday.’
‘Hey! We aren’t that old! 32 isn’t old! 30 is the new 20!’
‘Still too old.’ She giggled and made herself comfortable. Just because she wasn’t going to act on anything with Cameron – didn’t mean she couldn’t fantasize about him.
She turned her attention to Jack who was still watching videos on his iPad. She hated how much time he spent on there but equally, she knew it was a source of comfort for him so she didn’t like to take it away. She shuffled on her lounger to be closer to him, placing her hand on his forearm. He looked up at her touch, his big blue eyes wide with interest. He slid off the head phones after pausing his video and waited for her to speak.
‘You ok, little man?’ She had really struggled with his meltdown earlier in the kids’ club but that must be nothing compared to how he must’ve felt.
He nodded.
‘Are you feeling a bit better now?’ She knew he didn’t really like to talk about it afterwards, but she tried anyway. He might change his mind one day, so she always kept trying. He shrugged. ‘What’s up? You feeling sad?’ Another shrug. ‘Didn’t you want to talk to that boy? He was just trying to be your friend.’
‘I don’t like it.’
‘What?’ she frowned. ‘The boy?’ No reply. ‘He was just being friendly.’
‘I don’t like it. I don’t know … he’s … I just don’t like it.’
She smiled at him. He looked so innocent, and with the sunshine beaming down onto his light blonde hair and making him squint just a little bit, he looked younger than his seven years. She didn’t know if it was just because he was her only child and because of the upheaval over the last year, but she felt so much more protective over him. He might be seven now, but he was still her little blue-eyed baby. She missed spending time together when life hadn’t always been so stressful. They had some great times together still, but a huge part of his everyday living – especially as he grew older and the social expectation of him – seemed to cause him more angst than happiness. She tried so hard to make his life easy, but she was still learning. It would take time, she knew this, but it was a hard pill to swallow.
She decided to change tactic. ‘What are you watching?’
‘A video.’ He seemed unsure. Nancy didn’t normally ask much about his iPad and what he was up to – mostly because she didn’t want to intrude on his down time and, if she was being honest with herself, partly because she was too stressed.
‘What’s it about?’
‘Building.’
Jack loved building programmes, and she smiled as she should have guessed that’s what he would be watching. She picked up her drink and shuffled closer to him. ‘Can I watch it too?’ she asked, hoping that he didn’t reject her. But instead he just shrugged and put his headphones back on.
She sat quietly with Jack as the video played, wondering how she was going to help him get through his life. Today had exhausted her and she feared that things were only going to get worse for them if she didn’t come up with a way to help Jack handle life better. She already felt like she had exhausted every avenue available to them to find solutions, strategies and coping mechanisms, but clearly there was a lot more work to do. Where was she to start? She wasn’t sure anymore.
As she rested her hand on his little back, she smiled at the fact that she couldn’t hear anything being said on the video, but at least Jack was letting her get close to him. It was a start. And everything has to start from somewhere.