How to be a better mum
Harriet pressed enter on her Google search and watched the links appear on the page.
How to be a better mum in five easy steps
She clicked on the link and checked over her shoulder to make sure Isla was still sound asleep. She could see the top of her head poking out from underneath the bedcovers and one of her toes escaping out the side. Turning back to the page, she scrolled down.
‘Read daily to your children, eat a nutritious diet, ensure they get regular exercise…’ She read out the points as she came across them. ‘So, I’m failing on at least two of those so far,’ she said out loud as she thought of the ready meals she often grabbed and the fact that the last time she read to her children was off the takeaway menu.
She closed that link and opened another titled: Are you being the best parent you can be?
‘OK, let’s try this one.’
1/ Spend time with your children – not just when you can, make sure you allocate sufficient time with your children to learn about them and for them to learn about you.
‘Yup, definitely failing that one too – this is a good start.’ She continued scrolling.
2/ Cook all meals from scratch, ensuring complete nutritional value for the age of your child is being met.
‘Oh for fuck’s sake – who has time to do that? I do have to work, you know,’ she hissed at the computer.
3/ Make sure your children are spending enough time with both parents – even if the parents are not together.
‘What if one parent is a complete dick who wants nothing to do with their children? Where’s your answer for that, Google, huh!’ She angrily closed the tab and opened another. ‘OK, last one, come on, please give me something to hold onto before I lose my mind.’
She scrolled down. Time, meals, listening to your children but not letting them dictate. Letting them make decisions. Spending more time with them, spending less time with them, sending them to nursery, not sending them to nursery … it was all so confusing. Why wasn’t there a handbook to follow to make sure you got things right? Some of the articles she read were so incredibly critical, it made Harriet wonder how anyone got it ‘right’. No matter how hard she tried, or how well she thought she was doing, there was always somebody one step ahead of her telling her she was doing it wrong.
She angrily closed the browser and opened up her email inbox. Where she was comfortable. Where she knew what she was doing. If there was one area people couldn’t tell her she was doing badly, it was her job. This was her safety blanket, her sanity. If she didn’t have this, she wasn’t sure she would cope.
***
‘A neonatal surgeon?’
Cameron nodded. ‘Not what you expected?’
‘No, not at all.’ She pondered on this for a moment. ‘So, you operate on really tiny babies?’
He nodded. ‘Newborns, premature babies… ‘
‘Wow,’ Nancy found herself gasping. ‘That’s a pretty impressive job.’ She felt like after this revelation, Cameron looked totally different to her. He seemed so much … hotter! This guy was not only cute, a hands-on loving father and single parent, but he also spent his days working with babies and saving their lives. I mean, if perfect had a human form, she was pretty sure he was it!
He laughed. ‘Not quite your fireman or army cadet, but I technically wear scrubs when at work so it’s a uniform of such.’
‘Definitely, no, I agree. I just … wow, I would never have guessed that in a million years. I bet it’s an emotional job at times?’
‘It can be. But I try not to think about those times – you get to a point where you have to cut off emotionally from it all otherwise you just go crazy.’ There was sadness and compassion in his face; he had obviously had some tough times with his job.
‘Yeah, I can imagine. So I guess your workload is pretty stressful then – you must have full on hours?’
‘Some weeks can be full on, but my sister is an amazing support and she has Aiden for me when I’m at work. I couldn’t do it without her.’ He was back looking at his son, watching him wiggle his bum to Chocolate.
Nancy laughed. ‘I’m pretty sure every single holiday resort plays this song at some point – I always find myself singing it for weeks afterwards.’
‘Chocolate – a choco choco – chocolate – a choco choco!’ Cameron sang, bouncing his arms up and down like a chicken, copying the resort staff who all looked like they were high on drugs.
‘Are these your moves? Is this why you won’t be on the dance floor?’ she teased, mimicking his chicken arms and pulling a face.
‘Alright Miss Smooth Grooves, let’s see what you’re made of?’ He displayed his hand out to the dance floor, goading her to get up. Luckily, she was saved by Aiden approaching the table.
‘Daddy?’
‘Yes dude?’
‘Aunty Becca is going back to the room now and said for me to come and tell you, so you know where we are.’ Aiden hopped up and down on the spot, flashes of blue slushy on his tongue giving away his secrets as he spoke.
Cameron looked over to his sister who waved from the other side of the room to him. Nancy noticed just how alike the two of them were. She had the same smile as Cameron, warm and friendly, and her hair was the same blonde shade, just a lot longer than his. She was sporting a tidy little baby bump underneath a very stylish maxi dress which draped over the bump nicely, making her look blooming. Had Nancy worn that when she was pregnant, she would’ve looked more like she was carrying a watermelon. She hadn’t had the most stylish pregnancy – comfort, ease and necessity had been more her aim. She would maybe try out the stylish look next time … if there was ever going to be a next time. As she felt right now, she couldn’t see it ever happening and she found herself feeling disappointed about that, which surprised her.
He responded to Becca’s wave with a salute and Aiden gave him a kiss. ‘Goodnight Daddy, night lady!’
‘It’s Nancy,’ Cameron corrected as Aiden ran off. ‘Sorry.’
‘That’s OK, there are worse things he could call me to be fair.’ She looked over to Jack who was still in the same place.
‘He loves his iPad, huh?’ Cameron said, pouring the remains of the Sloe Screw cocktail into Nancy’s glass.
‘Yeah,’ she replied sadly. ‘I’m trying to get him to be on it less but … it’s hard.’
‘Without stepping out of line, can I ask you something?’
Nancy felt the apprehension drape over her as she looked at him. ‘O … K …’ she said, tentatively.
‘Is Jack autistic?’ Nancy hadn’t been expecting him to say that, and the nature of the question threw her. Instead of playing it cool, she suddenly seemed to freeze, unable to answer. ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to pry.’ Now she could see the panic on his face.
‘No, sorry it’s not that, you just threw me that’s all. I wasn’t expecting you to ask that.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But yes, he is.’ Cameron nodded in acknowledgement. ‘How did you know? Is it that obvious?’ She felt the frustration begin to build. Because if it was that obvious to strangers, why the hell had it taken the doctors so damn long to diagnose him. Was he getting worse as he got older?
‘No, not at all. My cousin’s son is autistic and he displays some of the same characteristics that Jack does. I spotted it when I first saw you at the poolside and the more I see Jack, the more he reminds me of Archie.’ Cameron smiled fondly.
Nancy forced a smile but felt her barriers begin to spring up. It wasn’t that she minded Camron talking about it, but she felt incredibly vulnerable and now even more open to judgement. His cousin probably knew what they were doing, managing to raise their autistic son with ease. Whereas Nancy, well, she was struggling, massively.
‘I hope I didn’t offend you by saying so?’ he pushed, after Nancy sat quietly for a few minutes. ‘We don’t have to talk about it.’
‘Its fine, it’s just – you know, we haven’t had an easy ride with it.’
‘I can totally appreciate that. My cousin found the first couple of years after diagnosis the hardest. Having to come to terms with an official statement telling you your child is struggling can’t be easy to hear as a parent.’
‘It isn’t.’
‘Do you get a lot of support?’
Nancy shrugged. ‘Some, not a lot.’ She was waiting for the question – where he asked about Jack’s dad. She wasn’t ready to discuss him, she was still too mad about Pete leaving. But clearly Cameron had the same thoughts as her when it came to asking about spouses because he skirted around the issue too.
‘So what does Jack get anxious about?’
‘He doesn’t like people.’ Nancy laughed. It was strained but it was the only way she knew how to talk about it. Cameron smiled and nodded, gently willing her to continue. ‘He’s fine if he knows the person, but he doesn’t like talking to new people. They’re like a blank canvas to him, I suppose, and that frightens him. He also hates his ears being touched – we had a bit of an … incident at kids’ club here the other day.’
‘What sort of incident?’
‘The woman was talking to him and she tried to take off his headphones without warning him.’
‘Oh dear…’ Cameron pulled a face and instantly Nancy felt like he understood better than most about her situation with Jack. Their connection was deepening the more they spoke about it. It felt so refreshing to have someone on her side, someone who really knew. Harriet was an amazing support and she was so grateful to her friend, but she didn’t understand. Cameron’s knowing someone who was going through a similar thing helped, and instantly Nancy felt the relief pour over her. She noticed her chest relax slightly and she didn’t feel so strained. She wasn’t making excuses for Jack and trying to explain him and his behaviour, she didn’t have to say anything and Cameron just knew.
‘Yes, big oh dear,’ she replied, cringing at the memory.
‘What happened?’
‘Let’s just say a few people were left with bruises and the woman was just as traumatised as Jack was. I don’t think they will be inviting us back anytime soon.’
‘Did she apologise?’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘The woman, did she apologise for setting Jack off?’
‘Don’t be silly, it was of course all Jack’s fault,’ she said, mockingly. ‘No one ever stops to think why he’s behaving the way he is. They just see the bad behaviour and judge him – judge us.’ She looked away, embarrassed.
Cameron put his hand over hers on the table and she felt an almighty surge of feelings that she couldn’t describe. ‘I totally get what you mean,’ he said. ‘My cousin had years of the same thing.’
Nancy felt an overwhelming urge to cry. She didn’t know why. It felt so surreal for this man to seemingly understand what she felt and after years and years of people blaming her parenting for how Jack behaved, it was strange having someone say to her: actually, it’s not you; you’re doing a good job. She stood up. ‘It’s my turn for the drinks this time.’ She grabbed the jug and left before Cameron could say anything. Talking about Jack’s autism was so liberating but, at the same time, the sudden rush of release was a bit overwhelming. Cameron clearly understood and was being the perfect gentleman but the more time she spent with him, the more she liked him. And she knew having Cameron in her life wasn’t an option because of Jack. He would not cope well with that kind of change right now. She had to look at her priorities and make sure she was keeping him at the forefront of her mind instead of giving way to these silly feelings like a schoolgirl with a crush.